Remember Britney Spears bending over whilst sporting nothing but a short nightie, showing her meat to a security guard? Remember? She also sent him naked pictures of herself? Honestly. A security guard who worked for her said it, so it must be true.

That’s because, as Kevin Costner showed us, security guards are just about the only people you can really trust on this awful planet.

Britney’s old guard is so trustworthy that he’s been telling us all about Dirty Spears. She’s a bad apple. She pestered him for sex when he was just trying to do an honest day’s work. And there she was, flashing her stinking undercarriage at him and reeking like an ashtray. You think we’re making this up? Read on for the undeniable proof.

See, this man, who it is fair to say we can trust implicitly, has spoken about Britney more.

New court papers filed by Fernando Flores claim that Britney has poor personal hygiene as well as repeatedly hitting on him. The poor thing.

He stated:

“The sexual advances were unwanted for a variety of reasons. Spears had obnoxious habits, such as chain-smoking – making her smell continually of stale tobacco.

“She broke wind or picked her nose unselfconsciously and unapologetically and she was constantly and gratuitously loud and profane. She did not bathe for days, did not use deodorant, did not brush her teeth, did not fix her hair, did not wear shoes or socks.”

The filthy git! Although, in fairness, this could be a description of just about any of you readers.

And while Flores, who is seeking £6m in damages, may well be utterly trustworthy, it does seem like he’s the wettest security guard in the universe.

If he’s ‘suffered from depression, insomnia and anxiety whilst working for the singer’, mainly because of some nasty teeth, the odd bogey and fart, then what is he going to do when faced with a mad gunman?

Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s the battle we’ve all been waiting for! BO versus cowardice!

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You may think of Britney Spears as some kind of pop-star who made a handful of decent records (backed by astonishing, saccharine dross), but really, she’s a wedding machine. She’s in danger of being remembered like Liz Taylor – Mad as a hatter and a loft filled with wedding dresses.

That’s right! Ol’ Britters is getting married again, meaning that she possibly doesn’t take the whole wedding vows thing seriously at all (which should be applauded really – what a stupid, stupid institution marriage is) or, she really can’t get enough of the marzipan in wedding cake (it just doesn’t taste right on its own, obviously).

So now we approach wedding number three (and of course, imminent divorce number three), we can coo about her plans and try and figure out who it is she’s actually going with at the moment because we don’t recall anyone being mentioned outside of lawsuits and sexual harassment cases.

The last husband Spears had was the now very fat Kevin Federline who she had two children with called Sean Preston and Jayden James with.

However, that all went wrong and will be forever remembered by That Video which showcased a Britney quite clearly out of her box where she burped her way through a garbled missive about the possibility of time-travel and such…

…or alternatively, she was putting it on and the ‘leaked’ video did exactly what it was supposed to do and get Spears a lot of attention, cost-free.

Anyway, Britney is now engaged to someone called Jason Trawick who proposed to the singer by writing the pop star a romantic poem.

After filling the ground floor of the couple’s mansion with roses and candles, Jason reportedly presented Britney with a flower-shaped diamond ring, and said:

“There once was a singer called Spears

Who dances like a newborn steer

She showed her holes

To security proles

But I’d still like to marry you, dear”

So thrilled was Britney that she said yes, probably cried, then asked her family if she was allowed to get married because no-one trusts her to look after herself anymore, and promptly went about asking Jason to impregnate her as soon as possible.

A source says:

‘Britney is desperate to settle down again and have more children. But she is very traditional and didn’t want to start a family with Jason until they’d tie the knot.’

We can only hope that, for the sake of our collective amusement, this wedding lasts about as long as Britney’s first marriage to childhood friend Jason Alexander, which lasted an impressive 55 hours after a Vegas ceremony in 2004.

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Britney Spears has been called a lot of things in her time. Oh yes, insults ranging from ‘tuneless’ and ‘ fruiter’ to ‘baldy’ have been hurled in her direction over the years and no-one really cared to set the record straight as they were all probably pretty spot on.

However, one recent slur, cruelly branding Britney a ‘corporate puppet’ has outraged songwriter Savan Kotecha so much he opened his mouth and said something which sounded exactly like this:

“No.  I think these big artists don’t get where they are unless them and their team are running the show. Simple as that”. Is it? IS IT???

We don’t think so and to be honest we don’t trust anyone who’s written hits for Geri Halliwell and Westlife that didn’t include subliminal messages to make them mysteriously vanish off the face of the earth.

An insider from, presumably, ‘the inside’ said:

“From what I saw, she does nothing more than lend her name as celebrity to the production.  That’s all she seems either willing or able to contribute…Britney’s job is basically to follow other people’s instructions.”

“When Britney gets home, she does not appear to have much interest in music. The whole time I was with her, she would spend most of her free time doing nothing but watching  TV and smoking cigarettes. “

So she’d fit in tremendously well at the hecklerspray bedsit then.

We’re positive that anyone made from Uncle Walt’s  jam at a Disney factory, then ‘convinced’ to dance around as a schoolgirl in front of millions of one handed viewers, before kissing Madonna, shaving her head and going effing mental with a baseball bat is completely in control of their own destiny.

Probably.

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Britney Spears is a prisoner in her own home. Haven’t you heard? The enormous mansions she owns in California and Louisiana are basically ‘prisons’. Really large prisons where the chairs still have padding.

While we go and pick the neighbourhood locks in hopes of being thrown into A Britney Spears Prison of Awesome, you may like to know the latest on the singer. She’s being controlled by the people around her, according to the latest reports out of America.

She’s watched, monitored, followed, and still has to ask to spend her own money. Her calls are screened and she probably has to ask before she wees too. In Touch Magazine in the U.S. alleges that Britney is under a literal lock-down. She has to ask before spending time with other adults. And she basically interacts with no one outside her team.

The magazine alleges that conditions for Britney have worsened, since the 2006 meltdown where she spent the year alternating between coffee breaks and squatting for excitable paparazzi (yes, that pretty much happened).

The singer is under conservatorship, with little-to-no chance of it being lifted in the near future. In fact, it’s alleged she’s un-insurable without being under the thumb of her management – the same team working her until she’s dead behind the eyes and lethargically wheezing around stage.

Because it’s more important to milk the cash cow than give it a tea break, Britney’s going to be asking her father for pocket money right into her 40s at this rate.

InTouch Weekly print edition reports (via Celebitchy)

Three years after the meltdown that landed her in a mental health facility, Britney lives like a prisoner in her own home, with virtually every aspect of her life under the control of her father/conservator, Jamie Spears.

“She isn’t allowed to have a cell phone, and she’s not allowed to take incoming calls to her home unless security screens them first,” reveals an insider. “If she wants to make outgoing calls, security has to dial the numbers for her. She still has an allowance, and if she wants extra cash, she must submit a formal request…

Allowed contact with few people other than Jamie, her sons Jayden, 4, and Sean, 5, and her boyfriend, talent agent Jason Trawick – with whom she frequently fights – the onetime party girl is “incredibly lonely,” says the insider.

She has no privacy and yet at the same time, she has no time to herself. “Most people don’t know this, but Britney has a sober companion who is with her constantly, whenever Jason isn’t,” shares another close source. “The companion follows her everywhere she goes – even to the bathroom in restaurants or other public places – to ensure there’s no way anyone can slip her drugs.”

We’re done picking those locks, but the police are nowhere to be found. Slackers. While we pinch sweets from the local Tesco, would someone mind dialing 999 so we can bloody get thrown in one of these giant, luxury prisons already?

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, so three stinkin’ cheers for that.

Rihanna is no longer a mere popstar. By design, she’s become pop-culture’s newest Bettie Page. By flirting with a sado-mas0chistic image and talking about spanking all the time, she’s become the poster girl for those too shy to actually ever try it out in the bedroom themselves.

As such, this has seen spectacular idiots equating consensual slap and tickle with its safe words and boundaries to Chris Brown being dead-on for banjoing her in the face with his incredibly bony knuckles.

But let us not think about Chris Brown and his long, thin member. Instead, fill your mind with the thought of Rihanna spanking Britney Spears’ wobbly posterior.

Of course, whenever a popstar saying something vaguely sexual, there’s a section of people who can barely contain their glee at the notion, adding 2+2 and getting They Are Definitely Going To Do The Sexy Thing They Talked About.

However, the wise-money is on the fact that, when a popstar alludes to saucy activities, it is actually more akin to the girl in the schoolyard who uses her looks to wrap people round their little fingers, hinting at untold filth while getting everyone to scurry around them and pander to their every whim.

We should know. We’ve pander to dead-eyed people’s whims and got nowhere, apart from an endless pool of tar-coloured resentment which we can summon at a moment’s notice.

Anyway, where has all this talk of spanking come from? Well, Rihanna asked Britney to collaborate with her, expecting her to say no.

“It’s very strange. Britney never does features. It was really amazing that she really wanted to be part of this song.

“She really liked the song to begin with, but it was a different story when she had to sing it, and she really wanted to be a part of it. It made it really, really special, because you never see two pop female artists doing songs together anymore.”

So far, so not particularly interesting. The thing is, this new version of S&M will need a video and RiRi really wants to shoot a sexual promotional vid for it with Spears. She added:

“I want to spank Britney.”

In fairness, Britney has the look of a haunted shed at the moment, so she might just agree to anything Rihanna says. We suggests that she goes further and makes the most explicit video ever made, just for the craic.

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The world today is filled with Britney Spears fans who are very pleased with themselves. They’ve finished watching her ‘Till the World Ends’ video for the hundredth time and have finally tucked away their genitals, thrilled that Britney hasn’t let them down. Now it is time for them to scour the internet to pick a fight.

That’s because Britney’s fans are as devoted/mental as Michael Jackson fans and the vaguest hint of criticism sees them leaping to their feet and shouting angrily at the sky, unable to compute why anyone would say bad things about their idol.

So they’ll be made-up that there are allegations floating around, saying that Spears didn’t do the dance in the latest promotional video and that, it was actually undertaken by a stunt double called Tiana Brown who doesn’t move around like an aged canine waiting for God to take them and end this awful pain of ‘moving around a bit’.

Pictures have been shared online which shows someone in Britney’s outfit, busting moves and conveniently seeing their hair whipped across their face so no-one can see who it really is.

These shots certainly suggest that the woman doing the routine is not Britney. There’s no word from Camp Britney yet, and there isn’t likely to be either.

Of course, it makes sense to get someone else to do her routines for her because lately, Spears has looked about as agile as a horse trying to balance atop some step ladders. Still, at least she’s really good at product placement, eh?

Critics have also slated Britney for her “lazy” routines when performing her songs and Billboard’s Keith Caulfield said of her woeful routines:

“You expect her to dance ferociously. Because one can say, well you’re lip syncing and when you’re lip syncing, we expect you to dance.”

Quite. Britney’s crown is clearly slipping.

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While Britney Spears’ image has taken a hammering over the years, at least she’s still been able to knock out some half decent pop records right? And her next one, ‘Till The World Ends’ looks destined to be a dancefloor winner.

However, we’ve got a video to endure before then, which means we’ll have to watch her awkwardly stumble around like she’s punchdrunk amongst arm-snapping, hip-popping dancers who only serve to make Britney look like she’s suffering from Parkinson’s.

The poor love. And there’s a 30 second teaser of her new track which is all dystopian and that, like she’s been watching Janet Jackson’s ‘Rhythm Nation’ video.

Right on cue, grotty looking future plebs gyrate amongst dingy crap while Britney coos her little baps off in a tune that looks to challenge Kelis’ ‘Acapella’ for Most Immediately Gratifying Dance Pop Record Of The Last 10 Years.

This will be the second single from her new album Femme Fatale, which again, is being hyped up as a ‘comeback’.

The 30-second teaser comes ahead of the world premiere of the video tomorrow.

Sadly, this song, despite being rather good, was written for Britney by Kesha, which means that simply by being, we’re reminded of one of the most irritatingly pop stars in history.

Anyway, enough chat. Here’s the teaser.

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There’s no hiding from the fact that Britney Spears has made some of the most infectious pop records of the past 20 years, but crumbs and crikey, she’s looking a bit glassy eyed and lost at the moment.

If it wasn’t for the will to slice up and fast edit her videos, we’d see her dancing around like an aged pony padding around a field, listlessly chewing a farmer’s trousers leg before slumping to its knees and simply expiring through malaise.

Not surprising really as Spears has been in the press more frequently for her alleged antics away from the microphone, this time, over perfume. Is it scalding people and making their skin fall off?

Before you start ordering Britney’s perfume as a crude weapon to use against your enemies, take a moment. Sadly, her perfume range isn’t dangerous in any way, rather, this is a tale of fraud and deception!

The singer has just had a lawsuit volleyed at her by the company that helped her to secure a perfume deal with Elizabeth Arden. They’re called Brand Sense Partners and we’ve never heard of them either.

Maybe they’re pals with Spears bodyguard who keeps claiming that Britney keeps sending him pictures of her raw, shaven toot and spreading her legs for him so widely that he can see what she’s had for her dinner?

Anyway, the lawsuit was filed in LA and it is claimed that the marketing company was robbed of 35% of its commission from “any and all products” the singer worked on with Elizabeth Arden, which just happens to include her Radiance fragrance.

Apparently, it smells like TCP that’s been stirred with a sausage.

Rather thrillingly, the suit accuses Britney of “concealment and evasive actions” and that “Britney secretly made a separate deal with Elizabeth Arden in a sneaky underhanded effort to circumvent and evade its obligations to Brand Sense. Effectively, Britney improperly and illegally cut Brand Sense out of the Elizabeth Arden deal.”

That’s almost like spy talk!

It seems Team Spears didn’t want to pay the commission and are now looking at coughing up in excess of $10 million in addition to compensatory and punitive damages.

Lovely.

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It’s a good thing that Britney Spears and Kevin Federline separated; his Sperm of Steel would have wrecked her womb for good.

Britney filed for divorce from Kevin on 7 November, 2007; only days before her entire reproductive system would have caved in, from the constant sperm attacks and the overuse. We’re not even kidding. Somewhere in their legal papers, ‘tired womb’ is listed in crayon as the reason for the split.

Maybe we’re exaggerating. Maybe it’s not entirely fair to blame Kevin for knocking-up a third woman, with his fifth child, in eight years. He can hardly be expected to account for every individual one of his swimmers. That’d be madness.

Or, you know, cheaper.

Kevin’s spokesperson isn’t making an official comment about whether his client is going to be parent to a fifth child – a baby who’d be half-sibling to the sons of Britney.

However, it’s being reported, by just about every American outlet who enjoys schadenfreude as much as we, that Kevin impregnated his girlfriend-of-two-years, Victoria Prince. Add to that, pictures from the weekend of Britney’s eldest son protectively clinging to his father’s girlfriend’s stomach as the paparazzi looked on. And ba-zing! We’ve got a baby!

From People:

It’s Papa Zao time again for Kevin Federline.  The former backup dancer and onetime rapper is expecting his fifth child this summer – his first baby with girlfriend Victoria Prince, a source tells PEOPLE. Federline is already a father of four: sons Jayden, 4, and Preston, 5, with ex-wife Britney Spears; and son Kaleb, 6, and daughter Kori, 8, with ex-girlfriend Shar Jackson.  This will be Prince’s first child. Federline, 33, and Prince, 28, a former professional volleyball player, have been dating for more than two years.

We guess this is no different at all than Scary Spice, Mel B, getting pregnant by a third guy; already having children by Eddie Murphy and her first husband. But it’s still alarming.

Wait. Should we, at hecklerspray, all be breeding and producing babies with at least three of the other writers? Egads!

We’re getting no younger… we’ll be back in five minutes. No, six minutes. All that sexy turkey baster action isn’t going to botch itself.

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, who has thus far not had one of K-Feds babies growing inside her. So hurray to that then.

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Remember that bodyguard that Britney Spears hired? Now, you may be thinking that she’s got many, many bodyguards in her employee files. However, we’re thinking of the one who slapped her with a lawsuit for sexual harassment last year.

The wonderfully named Fernando Flores claimed that Britney would bend right over, in front of him, while wearing no scads, glistening beads of primal sexual arousal sparkling in the sun like jewels. Yes. He went into a lot of detail like he was ghost writing for Jackie Collins. Or The Sun’s problem page.

Well, he’s now claiming that Britney sent him naked pictures and he’s threatening to unleash some of these explicit naked photographs from his pay-as-you-go mobile phone.

Flores filed a $14.5 million sexual harassment suit against Spears and where he claimed the singer made

“repeated, unwanted sexual advances and harassment.”

He then signed off with a flourish and said that she also hit her kids with a belt. A belt made out of terror and pain or something.

Sadly for Ferdy Florist, the Department of Children and Family Services found absolutely no evidence of such behaviour after investigations.

And here he is again, telling anyone who will listen that he’s going to release “embarrassing nude pictures” of Britney that she allegedly sent to him.

Or he downloaded from Google images, complete with badly photoshopped Britney head on top of an adult actresses body.

A friend says:

“There are explicit images that will shock and disgust the majority of her fans. Fernando says he can prove the photos were taken on Britney’s phone and sent to his mobile.”

“He says she sent them last April when she was coming on to him on a daily basis. He left the following month.”

“Some of the pictures show Britney with the camera between her legs. Others show her in provocative positions wearing lingerie. There are a few where she is naked, exposing herself in a way that she clearly hoped would make him aroused.”

Britney, obviously, is saying that this whole thing is a crock of bollocks.

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A former bodyguard of Britney Spears, the most recent to expose her crazy, Fernando Flores, is a threat to the singer’s integrity and is trying to shake her down for an out of court settlement. According to the singer’s delusional team of minders.

It has been known for a while that Britney is not the most stable person to be around. And that’s completely ignoring the crotch-flashing and the head-shaving. Those are to the left of the point. We’re talking about stories from her own team about the erratic behaviours on display inside her own home.

For a better part of the time following her breakdown, there have been stories from her ex-minders. Stories that involved alleged drug use and sexual acting out. Then there were allegations she had neglected her children; she lost custody for a while, and then had supervised visitation, before settling where she is now.

The sexually inappropriate behaviours are some of the most disturbing. Mainly because they involve everyone on her payroll with a penis, and Britney being naked, and doing things like bending over in front of them.

Yes, really.

That wasn’t even the worst of it (allegedly luring Fernando into her Cheeto Chamber of Doom where he found her pleasuring herself… what in the heck?)

It’s that kind of behaviour that led to stories in the papers a few weeks back. The same that have landed Britney in court.

In civil court, if Fernando gets his way. Where the information revealed would become public. Britney’s team is asking for the case to be held in a more private probate court.

In a move we’re finding headache-inducingly contrived, Britney’s people are trying to make it appear as though they’re worried about Fernando essentially blackmailing her. Saying Fernando could use the threat of a public forum to extort a settlement claim.

From TMZ:

The people in charge of Britney Spears are asking a judge to protect her from a potential ‘shake down’ by a former bodyguard who they believe could release info that may put Britney in danger. It all has to do with a lawsuit filed by Fernando Flores, a former bodyguard who claims the pop star sexually harassed him by, among other things, walking around her home in the nude. Flores wants the case tried in civil court — but Britney’s conservators are concerned that Flores will use the public forum to release private information to extort a settlement out of Britney.

That’s less of a convincing argument, than her team not wanting further claims and any hard evidence revealed. Doing the already shaky singer more damage.

In new legal docs filed in L.A. County Superior Court, Team Britney begs the judge to move the case to a probate court, where all of the accusations could be kept from the public… and protect her from a ‘shake down.’ The conservators also believe, ‘There is a real possibility that Ms. Spears will be exposed to danger by the release of confidential and personal information.’ A hearing on the matter is scheduled for the end of the month.

Yeah. We’re going with the latter argument on this one. The legal documents, filed in L.A. County Superior Court, seem too self-serving to be about money alone. It strikes us, this is more about Britney not making an ass of herself again. Heaven forbid.

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, so hooray for that.

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Earlier today, we may have put you off your lunch by evoking the image of Britney Spears wafting at her undercarriage in an attempt to allure a security guard who really didn’t want to have sex with the singer.

Sorry about that.

Anyway, Fernando Flores made all manner of dodgy claims about Britney, which of course, she’s completely denying. Although, she’s leaving her studs showing in the tackle as she dismisses these claims as she says that this security guard is an attention-seeking liar who made-up the allegations to get some cash.

In a statement on Britney’s official website, it says:

“This lawsuit is another unfortunate situation where someone is trying to take advantage of the Spears family and make a name for himself”

The statement continues:

“The Department of Children and Family Services conducted a proper investigation surrounding Mr. Flores’ accusations and have closed the case without any further action. Ms. Spears and her attorneys have every expectation that this matter will be dismissed by the courts.”

If this story is indeed, all cobblers, then we have to applaud Flores for his vivid imagination.

He’s talked of being flashed at Spears hitting her children with one of his belts. The best claim yet though, is that he has been left emotionally scarred when she threatened to fire him over a Slurpee. Brilliant! What attention to detail! He’s also talked about the boys being fed some crabs, even though they’re allergic. This man, if he’s lying, should be given a scriptwriter job at Skins.

Now, Britney’s ex-husband is wading in, defending his all sparring partner.

His attorney, Mark Vincent Kaplan, says that K-Fed isn’t having it:

“He is satisfied that the allegations are a product of economic motives. They are as baseless as they seem.”

Well this is all very weird isn’t it. What do we do now? Stand around and wait for more news we guess.

So how are you keeping? Well? Good. That’s that then.

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Britney Spears once parped about all of the boys and all of the girls wanting to have their way with her in the thinly veiled If U Seek Amy. In fairness, there’s probably a fair number of people who would, given half a chance.

However, someone who really doesn’t want to bang uglies with Britney is a former bodyguard of hers who is suing the singer and claiming that Spears subjected him to “repeated unwanted sexual advances” and harassment.

Get that! He turned down the chance to shag a celebrity… a celebrity we bet is absolute filth in the sack as well. It would appear that making money from court cases is more lucrative than selling your story to a tabloid. Of course, there’s a strong chance he thought she was insanely minging and that he’d rather dry-hump a sleeping simian.

Anyway, the man in question is called Fernando Flores and he’s filed the sexual harassment lawsuit in Los Angeles, alleging that Britney intentionally inflicted emotional distress.

As such, he wants money from Spears as well as his former employer, Advanced Security Concepts Corp. And with that small detail, we’ve lost most of our readers who are now desperately flinging their CVs toward the security company in the hope that they might be on the receiving end of some sexual advances from a celebrity. If you’re in luck, your first celebrity job will be looking after master swordsman, Henry Kelly of Going For Gold fame.

So anyway, what kind of advances did Britney make? We need to know the details because you lot need to work out whether to be horrified or aroused. Or both.

The lawsuit claims that Britters would expose herself to Flores and summon him to her bedroom whilst naked. Picture that for a moment. Britney Spears wafting her under-carriage at a weeping muscle-man.

Mr Flores isn’t finished there though. He’s also claiming that he saw Spears engaged in inappropriate behaviour around her young sons and once borrowed his belt to discipline them.

Maybe she tried to ‘discipline’ Mr Flores with his own belt as well? Or, maybe, she just likes doubling leather belts up and snapping it together to make that ace whip-cracking noise?

Anyway, there we have it. Britney Spears, potential sexual predator and flasher extraordinaire.

Next week: Amanda Holden waps tit out in front of visiting gas man who fails to notice and gets on with his life.

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Being a bodyguard is one of those jobs that would be – as those kids tend to say – ‘awesome’.

It’s just a shame that you’d probably end up getting shot and killed. But wait! For you – yes you – can still be a bodyguard without having to put your actual, real life on the line! Plus you won’t have to get embarrassed should you decide to do a runner instead of looking after your VIP.

How? By playing Black Shades, the bodyguard game.

You are a bodyguard and you have to protect your VIP, playing about in an infinitely generated city full of blocky little people, half of which seemingly want to shoot the man in white you’re looking after. Kill them, disarm them, knock your VIP out of the way – you decide how to deal with the attacker.

It looks shonky but it still plays really well, and is oddly compulsive – as with a lot of freebies. It is a download, mind, and not a browser-based timewaster, but it’s well worth the 1MB file size.

Download Black Shades Here:

Black Shades