Sometimes, after a messy break up, it’s the broken woman who gets all of the attention. Just look at Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. Whilst she was going commando in clubs and giving herself weird haircuts, very few people spared a thought for poor Federline – alone in a big house somewhere, playing Toxic over and over again, gorging on chocolate bars and eating what must have been about nine meals a day. It was only when he emerged from his post-wedding grief the size of a house that anyone stopped and pointed their cameras at him again.

Yes sir, that man has been eating. So much so that the rumour zipping through Hollywood is that he’s going to sort himself out not by privately hitting a local gym, but by getting broken down and built back up again on VH1’s Celebrity Fit Club in February next year. He’s got guts. Quite literally.

The former backing dancer, one time appalling rapper, and provider of the potent seed that impregnated the popular singer, Britney Spears, not once, but twice, has really let himself go in recent months. Yet, weirdly the clothes are still the same size, it’s just that the man beneath them now fills them out. And like so many backing dancers who once married famous singers – like Cris Judd of was-temporarily-married-to-Jennifer-Lopez fame – the Fed is now branching out into the glamourous swishy world of reality television. Incidentally, for those who can’t quite remember, Judd was one I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here. He was the bald guy. He won the thing.

If further rumours are true, Federline will be sweating and groaning alongside a host of fellow celebrities, many, like Kevin, whom once felt the full heat of a dazzling spotlight that has since waned.  There’s Bobby Brown – another pop star divorcee, who has taken to scraping coins together through reality television. Nicole Eggert, who was once so taut and impressive in a Baywatch swimming costume, playing Summer, but now looks like just another woman in her late-30s who loves the sweet aroma of a good pudding. And, most dramatically, Kevin’s ex-girlfriend Shar Jackson - mother to yet another brace of handsome Federline offspring.

Britney has been allowed her phoenix-like rise from the smouldering ashes of her post-freak-out career. So now it’s Kevin’s turn to bask in some familiar glory. And who knows? The sight of her ex-husband wobbling unsteadily and wheezing on a set of scales, as his ex-girlfriend does some clumsy press-ups in the background, might just bring all of those old sexy feelings back. Watch this space.

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Whitney Houston got where she is today by following one rule – take so many drugs that you end up looking like wheezy cadaver.

Wait, no, that’s not right. What we meant to say was that Whitney Houston got popular by following one rule – give the people what they want. And this worked, because in the 1990s people wanted bad films and identical-sounding songs bellowed by idiots. And Whitney Houston still follows this rule.

Because Whitney Houston is still giving the people what they want – anecdotes about the time Bobby Brown went mental, spat on her and started drawing evil eyes everywhere. Splendid.

Thanks to the success of her new album Deliberately Familiar-Sounding Songs Performed In A Slightly Disappointing Way – or whatever – Whitney Houston is back on top. Well, alright, not completely back on top – when she sings live Whitney Houston still tends to sound like a octogenarian tramp having an asthma attack inside a metal dustbin – but it’s enough for now.

Because over the last few years Whitney Houston has faced a number of seemingly insurmountable personal problems. She was addicted to crack. She had to sell everything she owned. She was married to an idiot. She made a reality TV show primarily focused on the dehydrated faecal impactions wedged inside her rectum. Osama bin Laden wanted to hump her quite badly. You could pick any single one of those things and it’d be enough to wreck your life. But not good old Whitney Houston.

You see, Whitney has managed to drag herself out of the mire. She’s been gifted a second chance, a clean sheet upon which she can rewrite her life. Looking back on the bad old times would be preposterously ill-advised – sure, it might help Whitney sell a few more records, but the effect on her personal well-being could be devastating.

So, long story short, Whitney Houston has decided to look back on the bad old times. With Oprah Winfrey. On television. In forensic details. That’s the bad news. The good news is that Whitney Houston’s bad old times sounded hilarious! Especially the part where Bobby Brown became overwhelmed by a terrifying drug-induced paranoia and started painting evil eyes all over the house. Reuters reports:

Houston said that during the couple’s narcotics-filled days, Brown would break glass objects in their home, and at one point he began painting eyes in their bedroom. “Evil eyes that were looking at every point in the room… I’m looking at it and going, ‘Lord, what’s really going on here?’ Because I was getting scared.” … Houston recalled a time when Brown spat on her when he had been drinking.

And Whitney Houston gave all of that up to return to music? That woman is crazy, plain and simple. It’s Bobby Brown who we feel most sorry for – there he is, tired after a hard day of breaking glass, obsessively painting thousands of disturbing eyeballs across every available surface and spitting at things, and all he wants from his wife is a nice cooked dinner and a backrub when he’s finished. But is she there to do all that for him? No, because she’s too busy telling the entire world what an unsettling crackpot he is. For shame, Whitney Houston. For shame.

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Obviously by ‘it all’ we meant an out-of-control drug addiction, outbursts of domestic abuse, the worst reality TV show in history and a mutual love of manually removing constipated husks of turd out of the rectums of their loved ones with their fingers? Didn’t Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown almost have that?

Well, yes. Yes they did. But that’s all in the past now. Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown definitely aren’t getting back together, no matter how many reports you hear to the contrary. And that denial doesn’t just come from Whitney Houston, but all the imaginary demons she allegedly used to see during her gigantic crack binges as well. So, you know, it must be true.

Whitney Houston’s life has really taken off since she divorced Bobby Brown just over a year ago. Not only has she been hard at work recording her big comeback album and making herself look as completely unrecognisable as possible for said album’s artwork, but she’s also now free to date other men like, say, Osama bin Laden if she wants.

Yes, it looks like Whitney Houston has really managed to beat the odds and pull off what could be one of pop’s biggest-ever comebacks. The only thing she needs to do to stop her professional relaunch from becoming a hideous trainwreck of epic proportions is to stay away from Bobby Brown. That’s literally all. Whitney Houston needs to stay away from Bobby Brown.

So, needless to say, Whitney Houston was seen enjoying an intimate dinner in Georgia recently with, you guessed it, Bobby Brown.

Except she wasn’t. Or at least she says she wasn’t. Despite several reports to the contrary, Whitney Houston has firmly denied that she’s getting back together with Bobby Brown at all, because even she’s not that stupid. E! Online reports:

The 45-year-old singer’s publicist has issued a statement seeking to put to rest rumors of a romantic reunion between the formerly tumultuous lovebirds. Nancy Seltzer called a report in Wednesday’s Chicago Sun-Times “a complete fabrication.” The article said Houston and Brown, who divorced in April 2007, were seen in Georgia enjoying an intimate dinner.

It’s bittersweet news for us. Initially it seems like a good thing that Whitney Houston has denied rekindling her self-destructive relationship with Bobby Brown, but is it? After all, Bobby Brown was always there to keep Whitney Houston in check, either by clearing out her blocked-up colon with his fingers or by allegedly beating her up a little bit when she looked at him funny or whatever.

But let’s take Whitney Houston at her word – if she says she’s not getting back with Bobby Brown, then we have no choice but to believe that. Anyway, rumour has it that Whitney Houston has moved on from Brown anyway, and is currently enjoying the romantic attention of Ray J, the man most famous for being the male star of the Kim Kardashian sex tape.

So congratulations Whitney, that’s really a… um, what’s the word for when you think you’re getting an upgrade for something when really you’re just getting the same defective product repackaged differently? Anyway, that.

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It’s a typical (Bobby Brown-like) boy meets (Lindsay Lohan-like) girl story: They meet at a party. They both think ‘ooh, he/she’s fit’. Boy goes to the toilet for a piss. Girl, perhaps aroused by the potential to orgasm while simultaneously inhaling men’s stale urine, follows him in. They have sex. They are now primed to have their first conversation:

Lindsay: Pass us some tissue. Cheers. So, what’s your name and what do you do?

Brandon: My name’s Brandon. My official job title is ’son’. And you?

Lindsay: My name’s Lindsay. I was in a film once and became a celebrity – I played a squeaky clean sweetheart who became an icon for youngsters. Now I do things like toilet sex.

Brandon: We’re both quite dull and expendable in the grand scheme of things.

Lindsay: Yep. I wish I was doing something more worthwhile, like writing about the crap people like me and you get up to for a living.

And so boy realises girl’s personality is like Lindsay Lohan’s. Girl realises boy’s personality is a lot like Bobby Brown’s – relationship ends.

Little is known about Brandon Brown, aside from the fact that he carries half of the ‘Two can play that game’ maestro’s genetics. However, from this we can scientifically deduce that he is at least 50% bell end.

The reported seduction took place in a West Hollywood nightclub two years ago. Brandon Brown told The Sun:

Me and Lindsay got really, really close. She followed me to the bathroom during a private party, and, well, we basically got together. I think she knew who I was when she first saw me. We were just staring at each other and she walked by. I walked into the bathroom and she followed me in.

And who said romance was dead? But, Brandon, how on earth did this Romeo and Juliet story end? He continued:

It didn’t end badly, but it did end weird. I’m actually trying to get back in touch with her – really soon.

Weirdly. It ended weirdly.

Good story.

Kids, he's done it. 

You know how you think that Bobby Brown was the wife-beating idiot who helped plunge Whitney Houston into a spiral of hard drug addiction? Didn't happen. Bobby Brown has written a book where he claims that Whitney Houston was the one who introduced him to all the drugs. Which all seems so obvious now – what was Whitney Houston's pre-Brown dancefloor-filler My Name Is Not Susan if not the desperate shriek of a burnt-out husk with a debilitating antifreeze addiction? 

Here's a game – think of a portion of society that likes Bobby Brown. Quickly! You can't do it, can you? That's because everyone thinks that Bobby Brown is a bit of a bell-end. Look at the facts – the police dislike Bobby Brown and radio DJs dislike Bobby Brown and the other members of New Edition hate Bobby Brown and notorious Islamic fundamentalist terrorist leaders dislike Bobby Brown. Even Bobby Brown's own internal organs dislike Bobby Brown.

But Bobby Brown doesn't care what anyone thinks – he's Bobby Brown, the man responsible for a song on the Ghostbusters 2 soundtrack. Your words can't hurt him. Instead, Bobby Brown has decided to take all this hatred and throw the lot of it in the direction of Whitney Houston. Because, even though he was identified as a bad influence on her from the get-go right up until their divorce last year – and was also arrested for smacking Whitney about – Bobby Brown's actually the victim in all of this.

It's true – Bobby Brown's written a book about it and everything. And the book's called Bobby Brown: The Truth, The Whole Truth And Nothing But, so it's hardly likely to contain the bitter accusations of a deranged, universally-reviled recent divorcee, is it? Oh wait…

Anyway, in his book, Bobby Brown claims that it was Whitney Houston who turned him into such a drug-smashed dipshit. The New York Post reports:

"I never used cocaine until after I met Whitney. Before then, I had experimented with other drugs, but marijuana was my drug of choice," Brown writes… "At one point in my life, I used drugs uncontrollably. I was using everything I could get my hands on, from cocaine to heroin, weed and cooked cocaine." As far as his 15-year marriage to Houston is concerned, it "was doomed from the very beginning. Within the first year we separated, with several more to follow," Brown writes. "I think we got married for all the wrong reasons. Now, I realize Whitney had a different agenda than I did when we got married … I believe her agenda was to clean up her image, while mine was to be loved and have children."

It seems that Bobby Brown has deliberately written this book to coincide with Whitney Houston's big comeback. And if that's the case then he should be truly, truly ashamed. Not because he's taken something as intimate as marriage and sold it all out in a tawdry tell-all in return for a handful of coins, though. But because if this book really does sabotage Whitney Houston's comeback, we'll all have to suffer through another decade of lamely-repackaged Whitney Houston Greatest Hits records every year. 

If that happens, we're coming for you Bobby. We can only take so much.

Read more:

'WHITNEY DROVE ME TO DRUGS' – New York Post