Whitney Houston has had a GIGANTIC amount of MONSTROUSLY LARGE hits. That one off the Bodyguard where she looks like she’s defecating in a forest for the key-change in the video. That one where she had a blonde perm. It’s Not Right, But It’s Okay.

Of course, there’s that one where she said that she believed that children were our future and that, should we teach them well, we could probably let them lead the way.

Well, it seems Whitney has been getting financial advice from a 6-year-old as her squillions of dollars have all but vanished from her purse, leaving her hilariously begging people for money. Crack eh? Easy punchline, but more pertinently, a Whitney Houston ruiner.

When Whitters is not getting thrown out of gigs by Prince, she seems to have been ingesting so much crack that she’s managed to make herself poor.

Properly poor. Poorer than Toni Braxton’s three-hundred-or-so bankruptcy claims.

Radar Online report that a source close to the singer has lost her fortune. They revealed, presumably for money which they ultimately won’t give to the struggling Houston:

“Whitney’s fortune is gone.”

“Music industry heavy hitters are supporting her and her label is fronting her cash against her next album, but no one knows when that will be released.”

It’s like Brewster’s Millions isn’t it? Seriously. If you need to spend $300m in 30 days, simply lend it all to Whitney Houston and it’ll be gone in half-an-hour.

The source added:

“She might be homeless if not for people saving her. She is broke as a joke. She called someone to ask for $100.”

Gah. Imagine. Ponytailed music execs all circling round Whitney with subs to lend, brandishing their members at her while the greatest love of all turns into a potential puke-kkake fest.

You have to hand it to Whitney Houston – she’s really great at being a mental famous person. While you have to acknowledge the power of her lungs, we all know damn well that she’s remembered for (alleged) crack cocaine use, throwing tantrums and being in a lousy relationship with Bobby Brown.

Oh, and that bit in the ‘I Will Always Love You‘ video where it looks like she’s taking a dump in the snow as the key-change kicks in.

So which one is she doing now? Well, it involves an aeroplane and a clear will to die.

The last time we heard anything from Whitney, she was being thrown out of a Prince concert by Prince himself after taking a little drink.

This week, she was nearly getting chucked off a plane. Why? Well the reasons are huge. Flying is the most jarring of modes of transport. The constant fear of dropping out of the sky. The irritating children that cry for entire flights. The dreadful food. The lack of leg room. Those bloody flight attendants with their fixed grins and orange legs.

However, Whitters wasn’t angered by any of those things. She was angry at her seat belt.

A source close to the star told E! News:

“She was not drunk or on drugs, she is in the middle of filming a movie and flew across country to attend a charity event and return to filming. She was exhausted.”

WHOA! Who mentioned drink or drugs? The source has done an excellent job of making us assume that Whitney was filled to the eyeballs with booze and narcotics. It’s so obvious! The source said she wasn’t, which makes us all go ‘Uh-huh… right’.

Delta Airlines are now looking further into the situation because they’re hoping that they can meet Whitney or get an autograph or something. Alas, they “cannot comment on passenger or itinerary information.”

To us, it is obvious that she didn’t want to wear her seatbelt because she’s tired of living. She just wants to die in a plane crash like many celebrities before.

It’s not right, but it’s okay.

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Former husband 0f Courtney Cox and alleged actor David Arquette was thrown out of a Prince concert recently for committing the heinous crime of taking photos of ‘The Artist’ in his true, lizard form.

The singer has a notorious ‘no photography’ rule at his shows designed to protect him from the damage his reputation could take if the wider public was to see him in his true form.

However, Arquette managed to get his silly self into an altercation with security at the singer’s ‘Welcome 2 America’ shows at the Los Angeles Forum when a young boy flouted the singer’s no photography rule. The real pain of Arquette’s story is that this ‘altercation’ came straight after Prince had told the crowd they were allowed to take pictures.

Unfortunately, the snapping of Arquette’s phone set off security’s ‘Automatic Camera Detector’ and they were all over him like a cheap suit within seconds.

Prince still sells out arenas despite no-one truly knowing what he looks like. The mysterious singer is said to be able to hold his human form just long enough to take publicity shots but apparently hitting his stride during ‘Kiss’ renders it almost impossible not to revert back to the form which is natural to him.

Ignoring this obvious fact, David articulately said:

“Prince was like, ‘Alright, I’m about to play my hits, so get out your phones’. I didn’t take anymore pictures but the kid next to me was taking pictures and I still had my phone in my hand.

That’s not all though, folks!

“Security came to take this kid away and they said, ‘You gotta get rid of all those pictures on your phone.’ I said, ‘Prince just said we could take the pictures.’ And so I got kicked out of the Prince show.”

Unfortunately for Mr Arquette the usual response of ‘Don’t you know who I am?’ was greeting with bemused humming and frantic googling before they booted him anyway for having married that annoying tit from that awful sitcom. He was forced, like everyone else who has ever attended a Prince gig, to sign a non-disclosure agreement to ensure that the reptile-faced singer will never be discovered by the American government who would take him away and experiment on him.

Prince was said to be mortified by the news that yet another washed-up celebrity had been removed from his show. In 2006, Dustin Diamond (Screech from Saved by the Bell) was forcibly removed from a Prince show for attempting to ‘tea bag’ the singer from a great height and in 2008 Alfonso Ribeiro tried to revive his popularity as Carlton Banks by doing his famous dance on stage. He was beaten to within an inch of his life by security.

It was brutal.

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You may well think that Prince is some kind of mental freakshow who lives inside a sock made of gold, eating tinfoil all day while stroking his waxy skin… but he’s nothing compared to the complete train wreck that is Whitney Houston.

That’s right. If you consider that Prince has to live with his weird self every stinking day, you’d imagine he’d have an astonishingly high level of tolerance for people who might be considered to be a little bit… uh… eccentric.

However, so nutso is Whitney that even Prince can’t stand her. Prince is so peeved with Houston that he’s banned her from his shows, taking away all her ticket privileges thanks to too many demands and her weird, weird behaviour.

Apparently, Whitney dragged her sorry ass to several Prince concerts in the last couple of weeks. While there, sources say that our Whitters appeared to be “intoxicated” at each show.

It is worth pointing out, for legal reasons, no-one at these shows saw Whitney throwing drinks down her famous throat like they were going out of fashion, nor indeed, did anyone see her using drugs. Like crack.

However, this does imply that she doesn’t need booze or narcotics to be spectacularly batshit.

One thing we can speculate on (thanks to TMZ chattering about it with some authority) is that Whitney was pleading Prince’s staff to let her get up on the stage to presumably sing or prance around like a soon-to-be euthanised horse. However, the pint sized soulster didn’t want her on his stage because he “didn’t want her to embarrass herself.”

There’s a video of Houston at Prince’s show below where, at times, she looks a bit dead behind the eyes… but that might be something to do with the fact that she’s currently receiving treatment in an out-patient rehab program for her drink and drug problems.

Well done you.

Remember those Evian babies? They skated, danced and clung onto a wire mesh fence like they were performing adults… in nappies? Remember those guys? Well, they’re back – kinda – with a new dance routine, only this time, with adult heads.

Okay, that might sound a bit terrifying, but this isn’t some kind of Fly-style experiment gone wrong.

Rather, the babies are appearing in stop-frame animation and are looking for co-stars. That means you could appear with some gyrating toddlers. That’s right! All your dreams will come true!

A whole two years have been and gone since we last saw the roller babies and, in that time, it broke all kinds of records for being the most viewed ad online. Presumably, Evian are hoping for something similar with their new Live Young campaign.

And you, dear consumer, have a chance to become a part of the campaign.

You can create your own version of the video over at LetsBabyDance.evian.com. And people have already had a go (and half the time, don’t understand the whole ‘match your body up to that of the prancing toddler body’ thing, but that doesn’t matter as its supposed to be fun, right?). The whole idea is to make the longest music video ever, all soundtracked by ‘Wordy Rappinghood’ by Tom Tom Club, remixed by DJ Mehdi with Uffie.

Visit Facebook.com/evian for updates and stuff.

And all these prancing children got us thinking. Who are the best child performers like, ever, ever, ever? There’s a whole bunch of them knocking around at the moment and there’s been some fine ones from the past. And so, while these choices aren’t strictly babies, they may as well be.

Let us peek at some of the best child singers who ever graced a stage. And no, there’ll be no Justin Bieber.

Little Stevie Wonder

Little Stevie Wonder (or ‘Really Quite Big Stevie Wonder’ as he’s known now) was once a child singing sensation! Yes indeed! Many thought he’d be a flash-in-the-pan novelty act, like a mini Ray Charles (what with his penchant for shades), but how wrong they were!

Frankie Lymon

Frankie, lead singer with The Teenagers, was a young superstar in the ’50s, famous for singing the wonderful ‘Why Do Fools Fall In Love?’ (a question no-one has yet answered sufficiently). Alas, like a lot of young stars, trouble wasn’t far away and by the age of 25, he was found dead in his grandmother’s bathroom from a heroin overdose. Cheery.

Willow Smith

When people heard that Will Smith’s daughter was releasing a single, many expected a big fat pile of dross. However, Willow went and surprised everyone by releasing one of the most monstrous pop-singles of the last decade. There’s a very, very strong chance she’ll never top ‘Whip My Hair’.

Helen Shapiro

At the age of fourteen, Shapiro went to the toppish of the charts with the aptly titled ‘Don’t Treat Me Like A Child’ before getting a brace of number one hits in the shape of ‘You Don’t Know’ and ‘Walkin’ Back to Happiness’. That said, she was still a whole year older than Frankie Lymon who hit the top spot in ’56. The old biddy!

The Dilly Sisters

Ta-ra-ra Boom-de-ay! Ta-ra-ra Boom-de-ay! Ta-ra-ra Boom-de-ay! Ta-ra-ra Boom-de-ay! Ta-ra-ra Boom-de-ay! Sorry, these young scamps from The Banana Splits show will be going round your head all day now.

Michael Jackson

Perhaps the greatest child singer of them all. There’s no point talking about him because you invariably know everything you need to know about the Jackson family. Here he is belting out ‘Sugar Daddy’.

New Edition

Featuring a young Bobby Brown, New Edition were seen as an ’80s equivalent to the Jackson 5. They had a smash with ‘Candy Girl’ and… well… they pretty much vanished after that. Bobby, of course, went on to have a great but short career when he got older. Then, like all good child stars, went nuts.

Jimmy Boyd

Jimmy Boyd was a child-actor and singer, who had his first hit at 13 years old. He performed with country and western troupes before hitting it big with the first version of ‘I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus’, as well as performing with George Clooney’s aunt Rosemary.

Lil Bow Wow

The most potty mouthed of our child stars, Lil Bow Wow (presumably plain ol’ ‘Bow Wow’ these days) was a protege of Snoop Dogg and rapped his way into the hearts of youngsters, selling 3million+ of his debut LP. He then grew up and everyone lost interest.

George Dawes

He’s a baby! He’s a baby!

Poor ol’ Bobby Brown. Here we have a man who has had a reasonably successful career, hoovered up endless amounts of narcotics, babbled like a complete simpleton and lived the life of a particularly debauched king… however, he didn’t get the ironic kudos now enjoyed by Charlie Sheen.

And while Bobby Brown transfixes his cold, lifeless eyes on the papers, he will eventually gain clarity enough to focus on a picture that appears to show his daughter – the one he had with Whitney Houston – snorting cocaine.

Of course, Bobby and Whitney weren’t exactly squeaky clean, but as a parent, this kind of thing must be rather upsetting, presuming that he’s able to generate tears that is.

Whitney and Bobby’s daughter – Bobbi Kristina – has flatly denied using cocaine. The photos appeared earlier in the week and it certainly looked like she was hovering over a flat surface with lines of powder on it. That might have just been dried plaster that had fallen off her wall and she was merely inspecting it. It might be that. It’s probably that. Yes.

Bobbi Kristina has actually spoken about the snaps on her Twitter page, saying that she was set up by an ex-boyfriend who wanted a quick buck.

“The pictures – a former very dear person to me did this. Set me up to make it look exactly what it looks like. God will smite them yes… But it’s really not what it looks like… People will do anything for money which is extremely sad, and I’m very hurt by this”

“Things people do these days to hurt others is a shame. All I can do now is keep my head up high, keep looking towards the lord”

The lord, it seems, has the best unspecified powder and the smoothest of surfaces in which to appear to brace oneself for a nice toot. Thanks Lord!

And, after that vaguely erudite confessional, what does her fine, upstanding father have to say on the matter?

Despite knowing absolutely nothing, Bobby Brown is absolutely certain of things.

He says:

“I don’t know anything about that…I don’t know anything. My daughter doesn’t do that”

So there you have it. This is a story about someone looking like they’re doing drugs, but they weren’t… and a story about a man who doesn’t know anything, but does.

Bobby Brown has an album coming out soon but no-one will buy it so there’s no point in us telling you what it is called and when it is released.

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Imagine being Bobby Brown’s wife – not a day would pass without you hearing the theme-tune to Ghostbusters 2.

It would be magical. More than that, though, Bobby Brown is caring and tender and vocally willing to pull dried-up constipated turds out of your rectum with his fingers for you. He’s the perfect husband. You know, apart from the drugs and the arrests and the domestic violence and the failure to uphold his child support commitments and – if we’re being honest – the finger-poo stuff. But apart from that, Bobby Brown is the perfect husband.

That’s something that his manager Alicia Etheridge will soon discover, because on Friday – live on stage – Bobby Brown proposed to her and she accepted. Not that we’re pessimistic or anything, but we’re going to write a ‘Bobby Brown and Alicia Etheridge Get Divorced’ story this afternoon, because it’ll probably come in handy in about July.

Let’s get straight to it – Bobby Brown has got engaged to his manager Alicia Etheridge, proposing to her live on stage in Florida on Friday. People reports:

Etheridge joined Brown on stage, holding their 11-month-old son Cassius, he got down on one knee and presented her with a ring. The crowd roared its approval as a beaming Etheridge kissed Brown, who remained kneeling. “We shouted, we screamed,” fan Carol Pearsall told the Florida Times-Union. “We supported him.” Added her husband, Paul, “Hopefully he’ll get it right this time.”

Oh really? It might just be us, but we smell something undeniably fishy here. There are just some aspects of this story that we can’t possibly believe. For instance:

1 - People actually paid to see Bobby Brown in concert.

2 - Alicia Etheridge accepted Bobby Brown’s proposal instead of repeatedly screaming the word ‘No’ into his face and running away as quickly as she could before he beat her up or tried to pull poo out of her bum with his fingers or whatever.

3 - People actually paid to see Bobby Brown in concert.

But you know what? If this is true, we’re thrilled for Bobby Brown and Alicia Etheridge. May the six weeks they spend together before the marriage dissolves in a flurry of crack addiction and squalor and violence and flat-out destitution be the happiest six weeks of their lives.

That said, there’s no reason why Bobby Brown can’t stay married forever this time. Alicia Etheridge just has to remember what he likes in a woman and she’ll be fine. For example, she should remember to fill her bathroom with drug paraphernalia and dildos, to attack imaginary demons with her fists at every opportunity and – most importantly – to always perform the big note at the end of I Will Always Love You in the style of a buffalo walking barefoot over Lego. Get that fixed and Bobby Brown will be the happiest man on the planet. Briefly.

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Sometimes, after a messy break up, it’s the broken woman who gets all of the attention. Just look at Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. Whilst she was going commando in clubs and giving herself weird haircuts, very few people spared a thought for poor Federline – alone in a big house somewhere, playing Toxic over and over again, gorging on chocolate bars and eating what must have been about nine meals a day. It was only when he emerged from his post-wedding grief the size of a house that anyone stopped and pointed their cameras at him again.

Yes sir, that man has been eating. So much so that the rumour zipping through Hollywood is that he’s going to sort himself out not by privately hitting a local gym, but by getting broken down and built back up again on VH1′s Celebrity Fit Club in February next year. He’s got guts. Quite literally.

The former backing dancer, one time appalling rapper, and provider of the potent seed that impregnated the popular singer, Britney Spears, not once, but twice, has really let himself go in recent months. Yet, weirdly the clothes are still the same size, it’s just that the man beneath them now fills them out. And like so many backing dancers who once married famous singers – like Cris Judd of was-temporarily-married-to-Jennifer-Lopez fame – the Fed is now branching out into the glamourous swishy world of reality television. Incidentally, for those who can’t quite remember, Judd was one I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here. He was the bald guy. He won the thing.

If further rumours are true, Federline will be sweating and groaning alongside a host of fellow celebrities, many, like Kevin, whom once felt the full heat of a dazzling spotlight that has since waned.  There’s Bobby Brown – another pop star divorcee, who has taken to scraping coins together through reality television. Nicole Eggert, who was once so taut and impressive in a Baywatch swimming costume, playing Summer, but now looks like just another woman in her late-30s who loves the sweet aroma of a good pudding. And, most dramatically, Kevin’s ex-girlfriend Shar Jackson - mother to yet another brace of handsome Federline offspring.

Britney has been allowed her phoenix-like rise from the smouldering ashes of her post-freak-out career. So now it’s Kevin’s turn to bask in some familiar glory. And who knows? The sight of her ex-husband wobbling unsteadily and wheezing on a set of scales, as his ex-girlfriend does some clumsy press-ups in the background, might just bring all of those old sexy feelings back. Watch this space.

Like this do you? Then read more of Josh’s stuff at Interestment.

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Whitney Houston got where she is today by following one rule – take so many drugs that you end up looking like wheezy cadaver.

Wait, no, that’s not right. What we meant to say was that Whitney Houston got popular by following one rule – give the people what they want. And this worked, because in the 1990s people wanted bad films and identical-sounding songs bellowed by idiots. And Whitney Houston still follows this rule.

Because Whitney Houston is still giving the people what they want – anecdotes about the time Bobby Brown went mental, spat on her and started drawing evil eyes everywhere. Splendid.

Thanks to the success of her new album Deliberately Familiar-Sounding Songs Performed In A Slightly Disappointing Way – or whatever – Whitney Houston is back on top. Well, alright, not completely back on top – when she sings live Whitney Houston still tends to sound like a octogenarian tramp having an asthma attack inside a metal dustbin – but it’s enough for now.

Because over the last few years Whitney Houston has faced a number of seemingly insurmountable personal problems. She was addicted to crack. She had to sell everything she owned. She was married to an idiot. She made a reality TV show primarily focused on the dehydrated faecal impactions wedged inside her rectum. Osama bin Laden wanted to hump her quite badly. You could pick any single one of those things and it’d be enough to wreck your life. But not good old Whitney Houston.

You see, Whitney has managed to drag herself out of the mire. She’s been gifted a second chance, a clean sheet upon which she can rewrite her life. Looking back on the bad old times would be preposterously ill-advised – sure, it might help Whitney sell a few more records, but the effect on her personal well-being could be devastating.

So, long story short, Whitney Houston has decided to look back on the bad old times. With Oprah Winfrey. On television. In forensic details. That’s the bad news. The good news is that Whitney Houston’s bad old times sounded hilarious! Especially the part where Bobby Brown became overwhelmed by a terrifying drug-induced paranoia and started painting evil eyes all over the house. Reuters reports:

Houston said that during the couple’s narcotics-filled days, Brown would break glass objects in their home, and at one point he began painting eyes in their bedroom. “Evil eyes that were looking at every point in the room… I’m looking at it and going, ‘Lord, what’s really going on here?’ Because I was getting scared.” … Houston recalled a time when Brown spat on her when he had been drinking.

And Whitney Houston gave all of that up to return to music? That woman is crazy, plain and simple. It’s Bobby Brown who we feel most sorry for – there he is, tired after a hard day of breaking glass, obsessively painting thousands of disturbing eyeballs across every available surface and spitting at things, and all he wants from his wife is a nice cooked dinner and a backrub when he’s finished. But is she there to do all that for him? No, because she’s too busy telling the entire world what an unsettling crackpot he is. For shame, Whitney Houston. For shame.

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To quote one of her own bellowed-out power ballads, didn’t Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown almost have it all?

Obviously by ‘it all’ we meant an out-of-control drug addiction, outbursts of domestic abuse, the worst reality TV show in history and a mutual love of manually removing constipated husks of turd out of the rectums of their loved ones with their fingers? Didn’t Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown almost have that?

Well, yes. Yes they did. But that’s all in the past now. Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown definitely aren’t getting back together, no matter how many reports you hear to the contrary. And that denial doesn’t just come from Whitney Houston, but all the imaginary demons she allegedly used to see during her gigantic crack binges as well. So, you know, it must be true.

Whitney Houston’s life has really taken off since she divorced Bobby Brown just over a year ago. Not only has she been hard at work recording her big comeback album and making herself look as completely unrecognisable as possible for said album’s artwork, but she’s also now free to date other men like, say, Osama bin Laden if she wants.

Yes, it looks like Whitney Houston has really managed to beat the odds and pull off what could be one of pop’s biggest-ever comebacks. The only thing she needs to do to stop her professional relaunch from becoming a hideous trainwreck of epic proportions is to stay away from Bobby Brown. That’s literally all. Whitney Houston needs to stay away from Bobby Brown.

So, needless to say, Whitney Houston was seen enjoying an intimate dinner in Georgia recently with, you guessed it, Bobby Brown.

Except she wasn’t. Or at least she says she wasn’t. Despite several reports to the contrary, Whitney Houston has firmly denied that she’s getting back together with Bobby Brown at all, because even she’s not that stupid. E! Online reports:

The 45-year-old singer’s publicist has issued a statement seeking to put to rest rumors of a romantic reunion between the formerly tumultuous lovebirds. Nancy Seltzer called a report in Wednesday’s Chicago Sun-Times “a complete fabrication.” The article said Houston and Brown, who divorced in April 2007, were seen in Georgia enjoying an intimate dinner.

It’s bittersweet news for us. Initially it seems like a good thing that Whitney Houston has denied rekindling her self-destructive relationship with Bobby Brown, but is it? After all, Bobby Brown was always there to keep Whitney Houston in check, either by clearing out her blocked-up colon with his fingers or by allegedly beating her up a little bit when she looked at him funny or whatever.

But let’s take Whitney Houston at her word – if she says she’s not getting back with Bobby Brown, then we have no choice but to believe that. Anyway, rumour has it that Whitney Houston has moved on from Brown anyway, and is currently enjoying the romantic attention of Ray J, the man most famous for being the male star of the Kim Kardashian sex tape.

So congratulations Whitney, that’s really a… um, what’s the word for when you think you’re getting an upgrade for something when really you’re just getting the same defective product repackaged differently? Anyway, that.

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Bobby Brown’s son Brandon Brown has revealed he was once seduced by Lindsay Lohan in a bathroom.

It’s a typical (Bobby Brown-like) boy meets (Lindsay Lohan-like) girl story: They meet at a party. They both think ‘ooh, he/she’s fit’. Boy goes to the toilet for a piss. Girl, perhaps aroused by the potential to orgasm while simultaneously inhaling men’s stale urine, follows him in. They have sex. They are now primed to have their first conversation:

Lindsay: Pass us some tissue. Cheers. So, what’s your name and what do you do?

Brandon: My name’s Brandon. My official job title is ‘son’. And you?

Lindsay: My name’s Lindsay. I was in a film once and became a celebrity – I played a squeaky clean sweetheart who became an icon for youngsters. Now I do things like toilet sex.

Brandon: We’re both quite dull and expendable in the grand scheme of things.

Lindsay: Yep. I wish I was doing something more worthwhile, like writing about the crap people like me and you get up to for a living.

And so boy realises girl’s personality is like Lindsay Lohan’s. Girl realises boy’s personality is a lot like Bobby Brown’s – relationship ends.

Little is known about Brandon Brown, aside from the fact that he carries half of the ‘Two can play that game’ maestro’s genetics. However, from this we can scientifically deduce that he is at least 50% bell end.

The reported seduction took place in a West Hollywood nightclub two years ago. Brandon Brown told The Sun:

Me and Lindsay got really, really close. She followed me to the bathroom during a private party, and, well, we basically got together. I think she knew who I was when she first saw me. We were just staring at each other and she walked by. I walked into the bathroom and she followed me in.

And who said romance was dead? But, Brandon, how on earth did this Romeo and Juliet story end? He continued:

It didn’t end badly, but it did end weird. I’m actually trying to get back in touch with her – really soon.

Weirdly. It ended weirdly.

Good story.

The general opinion of Bobby Brown is that he's so impossibly unlikeable that it's beyond the realms of human thought to imagine him being much more of an arsehole.

Kids, he's done it. 

You know how you think that Bobby Brown was the wife-beating idiot who helped plunge Whitney Houston into a spiral of hard drug addiction? Didn't happen. Bobby Brown has written a book where he claims that Whitney Houston was the one who introduced him to all the drugs. Which all seems so obvious now – what was Whitney Houston's pre-Brown dancefloor-filler My Name Is Not Susan if not the desperate shriek of a burnt-out husk with a debilitating antifreeze addiction? 

Here's a game – think of a portion of society that likes Bobby Brown. Quickly! You can't do it, can you? That's because everyone thinks that Bobby Brown is a bit of a bell-end. Look at the facts – the police dislike Bobby Brown and radio DJs dislike Bobby Brown and the other members of New Edition hate Bobby Brown and notorious Islamic fundamentalist terrorist leaders dislike Bobby Brown. Even Bobby Brown's own internal organs dislike Bobby Brown.

But Bobby Brown doesn't care what anyone thinks – he's Bobby Brown, the man responsible for a song on the Ghostbusters 2 soundtrack. Your words can't hurt him. Instead, Bobby Brown has decided to take all this hatred and throw the lot of it in the direction of Whitney Houston. Because, even though he was identified as a bad influence on her from the get-go right up until their divorce last year – and was also arrested for smacking Whitney about – Bobby Brown's actually the victim in all of this.

It's true – Bobby Brown's written a book about it and everything. And the book's called Bobby Brown: The Truth, The Whole Truth And Nothing But, so it's hardly likely to contain the bitter accusations of a deranged, universally-reviled recent divorcee, is it? Oh wait…

Anyway, in his book, Bobby Brown claims that it was Whitney Houston who turned him into such a drug-smashed dipshit. The New York Post reports:

"I never used cocaine until after I met Whitney. Before then, I had experimented with other drugs, but marijuana was my drug of choice," Brown writes… "At one point in my life, I used drugs uncontrollably. I was using everything I could get my hands on, from cocaine to heroin, weed and cooked cocaine." As far as his 15-year marriage to Houston is concerned, it "was doomed from the very beginning. Within the first year we separated, with several more to follow," Brown writes. "I think we got married for all the wrong reasons. Now, I realize Whitney had a different agenda than I did when we got married … I believe her agenda was to clean up her image, while mine was to be loved and have children."

It seems that Bobby Brown has deliberately written this book to coincide with Whitney Houston's big comeback. And if that's the case then he should be truly, truly ashamed. Not because he's taken something as intimate as marriage and sold it all out in a tawdry tell-all in return for a handful of coins, though. But because if this book really does sabotage Whitney Houston's comeback, we'll all have to suffer through another decade of lamely-repackaged Whitney Houston Greatest Hits records every year. 

If that happens, we're coming for you Bobby. We can only take so much.

Read more:

'WHITNEY DROVE ME TO DRUGS' – New York Post