Yes, we know what you’re thinking and stop looking at us like that. You’re one of those Star Wars nerds that hate everything to do with the franchise after 1982, aren’t you? You don’t have any time for Ewoks or Gungans or modern, snazzy computer graphics. You want to watch monsters that move like they’re on rails and Anthony Daniels hamming it up without any interference from the modern world.

You know what? That’s fine.

Pretty much everything to do with Star Wars after ‘The Empire Strikes Back‘ (and maybe ‘Return of the Jedi’) was such a pile of complete dross that it’s enough to make Michael Winner consider re-releasing some of his films updated to HD. Those of you who groaned at the first appearance of the shambling Jar-Jar Binks would have found yourselves doubled over in agony by the time The Clone Wars hit TV screens.

Up until recently, The Clone Wars was all that any Star Wars fan had to give them an indication of what a TV series might be like and guess what: it was crap. It felt like a marketing tie-in designed to transmogrify character models so that Lucasarts could flog more toys to kids that had grown up at a time where Star Wars had become a laughing stock. Of course, as with all of Lucas’ cunning marketing ploys; it worked.

In the first decade of the new millenium, Sci-Fi fans saw its traditional rival ‘Star Trek‘ as the “cooler” option. Sure, a reboot by JJ Abrams is enough to help out any ailing franchise but Star Wars fans were left wondering what was to become of the franchise that reinvented Science Fiction in the 70s’. Would they get a cool reboot designed for the digital age or would George Lucas continually update and adapt the original trilogy until he had eventually replaced the leading cast with computer generated facsimiles of Shia LaBoeuf?

That disturbing image of a future where everyone looks like Shia LaBoeuf brings us back to The Clone Wars. It has long been mooted that the next step for the franchise was onto the small screen and it was understood that scripts were already in place to create a series set between Episode III: The Last Rubbish One & Episode IV: The First Good One. Nothing more was revealed and forums began to melt under the burning loins of fans’ expectations but at long last, producer Rick McCallum has revealed the name and the over-riding theme of the show to IGN.

Star Wars: Underworld

We hear your sharp, sexually excited intake of breath and we applaud you for it. Far from being another kid-orientated romp with all the familiar characters, McCallum & co want to delve into the murky underbelly of Galactic Society. We’re talking gangs, Imperial raids and, perhaps most importantly Bounty Hunters.

Suddenly the idea of a live action Star Wars TV series has merit. Could the main character be the man that has become synonymous with all that was cool about the Star Wars Universe, Boba Fett? Well frankly, you’d bloody hope so, wouldn’t you?

Still, don’t get your hopes up. Despite negotiations being ongoing, the series is still mired in budgetary wranglings. Supposedly it’s quite hard to make something look like Star Wars for $5million per episode. On the off chance that this might actually be good, why don’t we all have a whip-round? hecklerspray can exclusively reveal that we’re willing to offer 20 pence to Mr McCallum to help fund the pilot episode. We can’t say fairer than that.

So, a gritty, grown-up Star Wars series may be another decade away but isn’t something with a bit of sci-fi credibility worth waiting for? We’ll be here watching and waiting and hoping that we don’t end up taking the blame for it being awful.

George Lucas must have more dead horses on his Skywalker ranch than the stables after the Grand National.

How else could he keep flogging them?

Not content with ruining his own credibility with the Star Wars prequel trilogy and Indiana Jones vs the Aliens, Lucas has announced that he has 2 series worth of scripts ready for his new live action Star Wars TV show.

The new show is to be set between the end of Revenge of the Sith and the beginning of A New Hope, which will hopefully mean that it will average out and be somewhat tolerable to watch.

Rumour has it that the show is also to focus on minor characters within the Star Wars universe and not go anywhere near the pesky Skywalker clan and the acting gene that skipped a generation when it came to Anakin.

Do you remember that guy in the Cantina scene? You know the one, he was milling about in the background minding his own business and having a quiet drink before quietly slipping out without causing much of a disturbance to anyone?

Well, thanks to George Lucas, you’re now going to get to see his entire life story, IN HIGH DEFINITION!

The screen will sparkle as we see what lead him to Mos Eisley spaceport and how he found out about the Cantina and it’s delicious mix of beverages and death sticks.

Why is he drinking anyway? Is it to escape the stresses of his life? Maybe he lost some money on the pod races and was trying to find a loan shark before the Storm Troopers got to him and mistakenly believed that his droids were the ones they were looking for.

Well, thanks to the genius that is George Lucas, we’re about to find out!

Variety clearly is the spice of life.

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Good tradition of love and hate.

Folded:

• The #tweetyour16yearoldself hashtag (starts out funny and then becomes your life story in 140 characters. Illuminating really)
• Heidi Klum’s Halloween costume (your one was rubbish)
• Boba Fett’s invoice for Jabba the Hutt (Carbonite costs more than you might think)
• The competition prizes on The Gadget Show (enough tech to literally bury your house in and then die searching for a free plug socket)
• Terminator 2 remade using Grand Theft Auto IV (this must have taken ages and you have to respect that)

Creased:

• Daybreak is doing well then (pity, the presenters are such a likeable couple. No desire to stick them in one of those traps in the Saw movies at all)
• Ikea kitchen advert (annoying friends of Mark Ronson have a shindig. Terrific cover of Jona Lewie’s You’ll Always Find Me In The Kitchen At Parties though. Oh, and look out for him in the video)
• Absence of trick or treaters (must have been because The X-Factor was on. How very sad)
• The call-in cost for The Gadget Show competition (sure, you don’t HAVE to call in but who can be bothered to send a postcard? £1.50 Is a lot of money when you still consider baked beans a meal)
• Movie t-shirts you will actually look cool wearing (especially this one)

Star Wars fans have had to deal with their fair share of disappointments. Return of the Jedi ending in a teddy bear’s picnic is one. Another was watching The Phantom Menace.

But maybe as Star Wars fans we see the series through rose-tinted spectacles. Maybe – and it hurts us to say this – it was never that good in the first place. Maybe as impressionable young kids we were just taken for the ride of our life through a galaxy far, far away and totally missed the dodgy script, hammy acting and bloody Ewoks.

All right, maybe not. That’s just crazy talk. But it has made me start thinking about things that could have been better throughout the series – not just the three prequels. What if the Jawas rather than the Ewoks helped the Rebels defeat the Empire on Endor? Would that have been better? Maybe. Would it have been even better if Yoda had done some actual fighting in The Empire Strikes Back? No, probably not.

Oh, and would the world have been a better place if Jar Jar Binks had died horribly at the start of Phantom Menace? Definitely. So what about the characters? Were there any characters that just didn’t quite live up to expectations? Quite possibly. Here’s six…

6. Stormtroopers

After they slaughter the Jawas and murder Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru, Obi Wan really bigs them up. He says, “Only Imperial stormtroopers are so precise.” You must be having a laugh, Kenobi. What he fails to mention, of course, is that they couldn’t hit a cow’s arse with a banjo. Crack unit?? Forget it. More like on-crack unit! That would also explain the mind control trick working so easily on them.

5. Chewbacca

We remember being very excited about the prospect of him pulling the arms off some Stormtroopers, but it never happened. All he ever did was whine all the time.

4. Anakin Skywalker

No wonder he turned to the dark side of the force. Look, who would you rather invite to your party? The hard-as-nails, tall guy with loads of party tricks and a ready-made costume, or the petulant, annoying bastard who takes himself too seriously. We know who we prefer.

3. Ewoks

Bloody teddy bears! The only reason they put Ewoks in was to attract more girls to buy the action figures.

2. Darth Maul

He should have been so good. He had a double-sided lightsabre for God’s sake. But he was just a dwarf who died pretty quickly. Rubbish.

1. Boba Fett

OK, we all loved Boba Fett – he is a cult character. He was the coolest of all the action figures and was one of the few to actually stand up to Darth Vader. But we feel at little let down by him at hecklerspray towers. Sure, he was the one that tracked down Han Solo and took him to Jabba. But what else did he do? Nothing. To cap things off he gets eaten by a giant anus. Might as well have been Bob Fett.