The riots in London have seen unprecedented horseshit. People are randomly saying place names and everyone is getting really jumpy, wishing they’d built nuclear bunkers filled with sausages and beans in a tin, where they’ll hide until armageddon comes.

Today has seen Londoners going out in force with brooms and bin bags, attempting to tidy up the mess caused by the fires and looting. Some of them will no doubt find a load of iPads under a hedge and trouser them.

But where are our celebrities? Well, they’re hiding in their gated communities, tweeting about it all like they give two hoots, condemning the rioters and ordering everyone to tidy up because, let’s face it, they’re certainly not going to do it.

Jessie J, Wayne Rooney and Stephen Fry are among the stars who have spoken out against the marauding marauders of London on Twitter.

Wayne Rooney wrote:

“These riots are nuts why would people do this to there own country. Own city. This is embarrassing for our country. Stop please.”

*SIGH* It’s like listening to one of Martin Luther King’s speeches isn’t it? Meanwhile, Piers ‘listened to a voicemail of Paul McCartney but doesn’t seem to think anything is peculiar about that’ Morgan was in typically sympathetic mood:

“Millions of people are suffering in this financial crisis, but not looting/rioting/pillaging – no sympathy for these yobs whatsoever.”

Jessie J, meanwhile, wafted her hand and asked for everyone else to do the dirty work of cleaning up London, saying:

“Calling all #heartbeats please go to www.riotcleanup.com and see where you can help get London back to how we all deserve it to be. #riotcleanup”.

Stephen Fry was a little more helpful, but not much:

“I do hope that if I was in London now I’d be as good & brave & kind as all those who are agreeing to meet & help clean up #RiotCleanup”.

Elsewhere, the news blames twitter for organising the riots in the first place because they really don’t understand the internet yet.

Anyway, hands-up who laughed because this is all happening in London?

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We had to mention those riots that are currently going on in That London. As the hecklerspray hovel isn’t anywhere near the place, we can laugh and mercilessly hoot at how awful things have got down there.

And while we plan a trip down next week for some cheap iPads and PS3 games, we’ve also become terrified of absolutely every noise in our world, certain that the riot will spread to our habitat. We’ll be the first to get set on fire. We just know it.

So with that, instead of soundtracking our lives with fearful, chattering teeth, we’ve decided to listen to a load of songs about riots and such. It’s making us worse to be honest, but we figured we’d share them with you so you can get The Fear too.

Of course, everyone has different views on rioting. Some think of it as a sad climax to a long running problem while others are simply happy to continually shout “SHOOT THE SCUM” and other pleasantries.

So with that, we’ve tried to cater for every rioting mood, from the wistful, world weary musings of Junior Murvin to the noisy hardcore of ‘Shoot The Looters’.

It’s all there for the taking, if you will. (You didn’t expect us to make a serious commentary about it did you?)

Sonic Youth ‘Teenage Riot’

Junior Murvin ‘Police And Thieves’

Bob Marley ‘Burnin’ and Lootin”

MC5 ‘Motor City Is Burning’

Buju Banton ‘Rampage’

Behind Enemy Lines ‘Shoot The Looters’

Ice Cube ‘We Had To Tear This Motherfucker Up’

UK Subs ‘Reclaim The Street’

3 6 Mafia ‘Lets Start a Riot’

Mekons ‘Never Been In A Riot’

BONUS TRACK

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Bob Marley movies are a lot like buses – you wait hours for one then two come at once, plus if you go on one late at night a creepy drunk man will sit next to you and try to stroke your knee.

We've forgotten what our point was now – something about Bob Marley trying to stroke our knee, we think.

No, it's all coming back now – there are two Bob Marley movies on the way, except that they're coming out so close together that an almighty scrap has kicked off about who gets to use Bob Marley's songs. Honestly, they should just flip for it – winner gets Redemption Song, loser gets Craven Choke Puppy. Simple.

Nothing scoops Oscars quite like playing singers. Ray Charles, June Carter Cash, Edith Piaf – in recent years they've all been the subject of Oscar-winning movies. But the trouble is that the world is running out of singers to make films about. Soon there'll be a Marvin Gaye movie, a Michael Hutchence movie and a Milli Vanilli movie. That literally leaves just two singers who haven't had movies made about them – Gwen Stefani and Bob Marley.

And since most people would rather let rats chew on their genitals than watch a Gwen Stefani biopic, that only leaves Bob Marley. Trouble is, everyone wants to make a Bob Marley movie.

Earlier this month The Weinstein Company announced that it was going to produce a Bob Marley movie based on his ex-wife Rita Marley's memoirs No Woman, No Cry. Which admittedly sounded lovely – not only did Bob Marley lead a life interesting enough to warrant a biopic, but also by the time No Woman, No Cry was released, enough time would have passed since I Am Legend to ensure that people started to like Bob Marley again.

Trouble is, though, Martin Scorsese is making a documentary about Bob Marley at the same time, and all Bob Marley's songs have been licensed to that. Cue all manner of ironically bitter squabbles over songs called things like One Love. Metro reports:

The reggae legend's family are trying to block his music from being used in a forthcoming docudrama – even though his widow Rita is executive producer. There is also a clash over the release date, since another Marley movie is in the pipeline. The family policy has always been to prevent his music being used in any films featuring an actor portraying Marley. His estate is even concerned about the use of his songs in the Weinstein Company's imminent adaptation of Rita Marley's book, No Woman No Cry.

It's a pickle for sure, but it doesn't mean that the Weinstein Company's Bob Marley movie is completely out of options. For example, it could make the Bob Marley biopic without any songs, even though that'd be a bit like making a Neil Armstrong biopic and basing it around that time a barber stole his hair. Or it could subtly change Bob Marley's songs until they no longer infringe copyright – allowing the performance of hits like Two Loves, No Woman Some Crying and I Stole The Sheriff's Car Keys When He Had His Back Turned.

Or maybe the Bob Marley movie could contain songs only written by Bunny Wailer. No, that's a stupid idea.

Read more:

Rights row mars Marley movies – Metro 

That Ray Charles movie brought in a lot of green. Although Charles may have known it'd be a money-maker, the green reference was completely lost on him.

That Bob Dylan movie got rave reviews all over the place. It had a bunch of taped-down girls pretending to be him, and critics went bananas. It's a simple recipe really, make a film about a musical fellow and you're sure to walk the red carpet at least once before the fall leaves fade.

Now it's Bob Marley's turn. He's about to get his own sure-fire critically acclaimed biopic made, and Hollywood is abuzz with anticipation. You could be in it – if you look a lot like head lice.

We heard the script is gonna deal mostly with what it was like to live on Bob's head. A little tiny journal was found by the guy that embalmed him, and the present script has been derived from that. It's just what we heard.

Bob Marley died when Melanoma spread to his lungs and brain at the age of 36. Now that you know the end you may think there's not much point in watching the up-coming biopic based on his widow Rita Marley's book No Woman No Cry: My Life With Bob Marley. You're probably right.

But that won't stop people from making his movie anyway. The rights to said book have been scooped up by The Weinstein Company, who we heard envision turning it into a Star Wars type saga, except the force is a doobie and Luke is portrayed by thousands of head-inhabiting insects. Rita says of the forthcoming film:

"Our lives began in a government yard in Trenchtown with hopes of reaching the world through music and through dreams.  I wrote my book to tell my story—of the dreams we shared and those days we spent living and believing in our hope.  I saw it and now we get to tell it through our movie."

The impending film news will no doubt upset the Banshee that sued Marley's dead body for child-feeding money a bit ago. It was Bob Marley and the Banshees wasn't it? Is that what they called themselves? Furthermore the BBC will be shocked if they make it to the end of the film and see that the king of reggae is apparently not alive and available for interviews right now.

When this movie comes to be there's only one question we think must be answered. That being – if Bob Marley was dead, then why are we pretty sure he had such a successful career playing the role of Mr. T on the A-Team from '83 – '86.

Answer that, screen guild writer.

Read More:

Bob Marley's Widow Producing His Biopic – Entertainment Weekly