The riots in London have seen unprecedented horseshit. People are randomly saying place names and everyone is getting really jumpy, wishing they’d built nuclear bunkers filled with sausages and beans in a tin, where they’ll hide until armageddon comes.
Today has seen Londoners going out in force with brooms and bin bags, attempting to tidy up the mess caused by the fires and looting. Some of them will no doubt find a load of iPads under a hedge and trouser them.
But where are our celebrities? Well, they’re hiding in their gated communities, tweeting about it all like they give two hoots, condemning the rioters and ordering everyone to tidy up because, let’s face it, they’re certainly not going to do it.
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We had to mention those riots that are currently going on in That London. As the hecklerspray hovel isn’t anywhere near the place, we can laugh and mercilessly hoot at how awful things have got down there.
And while we plan a trip down next week for some cheap iPads and PS3 games, we’ve also become terrified of absolutely every noise in our world, certain that the riot will spread to our habitat. We’ll be the first to get set on fire. We just know it.
So with that, instead of soundtracking our lives with fearful, chattering teeth, we’ve decided to listen to a load of songs about riots and such. It’s making us worse to be honest, but we figured we’d share them with you so you can get The Fear too.
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Bob Marley movies are a lot like buses – you wait hours for one then two come at once, plus if you go on one late at night a creepy drunk man will sit next to you and try to stroke your knee.
We've forgotten what our point was now – something about Bob Marley trying to stroke our knee, we think.
No, it's all coming back now – there are two Bob Marley movies on the way, except that they're coming out so close together that an almighty scrap has kicked off about who gets to use Bob Marley's songs. Honestly, they should just flip for it – winner gets Redemption Song, loser gets Craven Choke Puppy. Simple.
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That Ray Charles movie brought in a lot of green. Although Charles may have known it'd be a money-maker, the green reference was completely lost on him.
That Bob Dylan movie got rave reviews all over the place. It had a bunch of taped-down girls pretending to be him, and critics went bananas. It's a simple recipe really, make a film about a musical fellow and you're sure to walk the red carpet at least once before the fall leaves fade.
Now it's Bob Marley's turn. He's about to get his own sure-fire critically acclaimed biopic made, and Hollywood is abuzz with anticipation. You could be in it – if you look a lot like head lice.
We heard the script is gonna deal mostly with what it was like to live on Bob's head. A little tiny journal was found by the guy that embalmed him, and the present script has been derived from that. It's just what we heard.
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