If Peaches Geldof wasn’t the daughter of a moaning old rocker who pretty much called us pricks for not giving to charity, she’d be the sort of girl you’d see tapping furiously on a laptop in Starbucks all day and blabbing loudly on Skype.

With a face resembling curdled milk, she always looks like a combination of someone surprised and zoned out. Either everything is a surprise to her, or she takes a lot of ketamine.

Every time she appears in the news, we don’t get to hear of any great deeds she’s done for charity. Instead, she’s either off her chops on drugs, accused of stealing clothes or having relationship issues. Basically, she’s just a piss poor UK version of marriage mentalist Britney Spears and jewellery pincher Lindsay Lohan. For reasons unbeknown to us, Peaches Geldof keeps on getting TV work, with ITV2 giving her a ghastly show called OMG! With Peaches Geldof.

ITV2 is the equivalent of BBC3 where programming is commissioned for the respective network, all because it hasn’t quite got the sophisticated factor to be shown on the main channel. While we know that it’s designed to test the waters, the broadcasters labels the respective channels as ‘edgy’, ‘cool’ and ‘youthful’. Or, if you prefer, ‘totally gash’.

At times, we feel that ITV2 is used to give us never ending backstage footage of shows such as Britain’s Got Talent, X-Factor, I’m A Celebrity and Dancing On Ice alongside extended editions with seventeen seconds of extra footage. Occasionally, fresh programs are shown such as the never ending feud between Katie Price, Peter Andre and Alex Reid. But this a bit boring – what we want is something unique, visual representation of something that appears in glossy magazines.

We can only assume that OMG With Peaches Geldof is a programme that the producers aim to shock us with based on the 11pm timeslot that it has been given. Either that or, even before it was screened to the UK population, people involved with the making of the programme recoiled in horror about the monster they’d created.

Back in times gone by, pretty much before people could get their own decent internet connection, we marvelled at shows that showcased people who are open and honest about their weird activities. Kind of like a modern day Victorian freak show. But as websites like YouTube developed, the need to gawp at someone in a studio while a ringleader controls a hyena-like crowd isn’t needed. Peaches Geldof has seen a variety of people waltz on to her show including blood drinkers and older ladies seeking younger men. All making for TV that wouldn’t break the boundaries of a wet paper bag. Moaning as usual, she said of the negative reviews of her show:

“I like the language that people use, it’s fascinating and fabulous. I love to read a shitty review of anyone, including myself.”

We don’t know what’s next for Peaches Geldof, but with the way that higher education has been watered down, we expect that she’ll be lecturing students in how they can become successful at being famous for doing piss-all.

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Peaches Geldof has decided to forge a career for herself outside of composing listicles for a myriad of otherwise credible media publications.

It’s just a shame that she’s being accused of breaking the law in her new line of work. It’s a shame because, according to multiple reports, the 22-year-old is turning quite a roaring trade.

It was reported yesterday that the daughter of Live Aid’s founder, Bob Geldof, and daughter of the late Paula Yates, had been accused of theft. Again.

Peaches was minding her own business, coating her fingers with something sticky, when she was phoned by a store she’d patronised the previous week, Three Amigos, in Camden Town.

We should imagine the conversation went something like this:

*Phone rings… Peaches answers, with sticky fingers that are getting all over the bloody buttons*

Peaches: What?!

Store: Hello, Ms Geldof?

Peaches: Egads, I’m caught… I mean, yes?

Store: Hello. It’s come to our attention that the items of clothing left in our store, since your flying visit, have become covered in something sticky; possibly honey. And it got all over our floor. The floor we’d just mopped!

Peaches: So you want your floor mopped?

Store: No. Well, yes. But we also want back that £70 dress that went missing. Ugh, my fingers are sticking to our phone and my feet to the floor. I’ll have to phone you back. *click*

Pretending that conversation actually took place, we can deduce from our (not) scientific evidence that we… ate most of the honey with breakfast. Yummers.

The Daily Mail addresses the previous accusations that Peaches is a low-rent Lindsay Lohan/ Winona Ryder.

Staff at the Three Amigos store in Camden Town claimed that the garment disappeared after the 22-year-old TV presenter visited last week. One line of inquiry is that the alleged theft is due to a misunderstanding between the shop and Miss Geldof. The claims are the latest in a long line of shoplifting allegations for the socialite – though she has always been exonerated. In March 2008, she was accused of leaving the Victim store near Carnaby Street with a £500 dress she had not paid for. After store staff realised it was missing, they phoned her management firm and Miss Geldof returned to the shop and apologised, saying it had been a ‘simple misunderstanding’.

See, it’s just another ‘misunderstanding’. Those are like buses, right?

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, so three stinkin’ cheers for that.

Even though Bob Geldof and Bono may go on with themselves like they have single handedly solved the problem of Africa (that’d be famine and debt, rather than them generally not liking the whole continent), the fact remains that there are still huge problems out there.

Of course, in the Western world, we have our own problems too. Slow internet connections, updates on our computers, a lack of signal for our mobile phones and, of course, the fact that we’re all hugely obese and all joining the type 2 diabetes club.

However, amongst these two main problems is a solution. You can donate your fat to the malnourished people of Africa, thereby saving their lives and making us look beautiful and thin. And really, really smug.

You don’t have to wait for ageing Irish rockstars to be the saviour of entire continents. You can be the person to help save lives without donating a single penny.

With the help of the Klaxon Institute, you can look good and feel better.

They’ve pioneered a new way to help flabby folk like us do good with revolutionary reverse liposuction techniques. Basically, they can take the excess fatty tissue from you – the patient – and inject it into the bodies of starving people in the third world.

This means they are able to live off it for months at a time without having to struggle to feed themselves. This documentary footage, as shot by the Klaxon group themselves, shows the immense benefits of their work. To find out more about this process, visit www.klaxoninstitute.com

The trendiest must-have pet to have this year is the micro pig – it boasts all sorts of advantages over the traditional puppy.

Every winter, stark warnings are given to us that a dog is for life, not just for Christmas. Now, whilst we don’t condone the abandoning or even killings of puppies, at least the micro pig can be put towards an early morning bacon sandwich once it stops being cute.

So what makes micro pigs so desirable? Well, it turns out they do nothing but look stupidly cute because they’re very small. They’re so teeny, in fact, that stepping on them is a dangerous likelihood. Now one micro pig has gone the extra step and gotten its very own Peaches Geldof to look after. Let’s hope it knows the task it’s taking on.

Peaches Geldof is the creation of angry sweary Irish charity man Bob Geldof. He tried to do wonders for the world and help African people get medical care, housing, access to water and a nice pair of trainers. Late at night, he must cry deep tears knowing his stupidly-named daughter hasn’t done anything to mirror his actions.

This is probably why there’s now a micro pig on the scene – to keep her occupied and stop her from doing anything stupid. Based on her previous outings in the big bad scary world, for a few months at least, it might work. Pinging the creature’s tail from curly to straight should make her shriek her with laughter. But just what exactly will this micro pig prevent Peaches Geldof from doing?

1 – Getting stupid tattoos. Peaches Geldof has the figure that most teenage girls would probably want to go for. Well, take out the fake tan products, hair extensions and eliminate the post-photoshoot airbrushing. It’s a shame she has decided to ink herself with random body decorations that can’t be removed with fairy liquid.

2 – Taking heroin. Despite her PR insisting that the hardest drug she takes is alcohol, photos of Peaches floating around the internet last year came attached with unsettling rumours of a freaky heroin binge. With her mother dying in drug-related instances, getting involved with this ropey world shouldn’t be actively encouraged. Baking, horse racing or gardening would be better.

3 – Not inflicting her unique style of media work on us. As well as watching Peaches’s fascinating life through Sky One programmes, we also got to read articles by her in grown up newspapers like The Telegraph. It’s great to know she was able to do this all by herself without once using her father’s name to help her along. That’s like saying Stella McCartney had a helping hand too. Never in a million years.

Now Magazine reports that the cute porker is called Pennington, and we have a few key bits of advice in order for it to make sure its new Peaches Geldof grows big and strong. For example, it’s important that she’s given plenty of booze to liven her up, and to regularly expose her to plenty of paparazzi when she attends the launch of a new BBQ meat product so her ego doesn’t deflate.

This way, she’ll never run away and get hit by a lorry on the M25.

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The Geldofs are like ants in some respects. They always seem to be floating around despite no-one really wanting them there.

Ants scurry around and get in your food on a summer day. Whilst we wouldn’t out it past Bob Geldof to steal your sandwiches and give them to the starving, he is an annoying twat. Just like ants.

Bob Geldof can’t quite get over the fact he failed in his mission to get a McDonalds in every African country. They’ve had to deal with Burger King instead. But hey, he’s trying to do the world some good. Unlike his daughters Peaches and Pixie who use the Geldof name in vain to try and make us think they are vaguely important.

Peaches and Pixie are the annoying offspring who prance around scumholes like Camden like they own the place. Once they are refused entry to trendy nightclubs and the chicest kebab shops, they bring out the inevitable line “Don’t you know who we are?” The bouncers say no and the result sees a couple of spoilt kids trot off into the night.

Despite being fairly young, the sisters have both had lucrative media careers. These include TV shows, magazine columns and naïve girls thinking they are some sort of inspirational figures. So, did they work hard in school, go to university and gain all the key experience needed for the big bad scary media world? No, they leeched off daddy’s name and scored their way to fame that way.

We can’t really remember what Peaches Geldof has done, but we can recall the stupid bint suddenly getting married towards the end of 2008. Like everyone else, we didn’t see this happening. However we were quite right in predicting that this marriage wasn’t to be, and it would soon end in tatters. Surely it wasn’t a cheap PR stunt for her then husband’s band? If so, it didn’t work, as we can’t remember the name of them. We possibly recall the band being called The Bellends, but that could be an overall description of them all.

Whilst Peaches has also done DJ work where she cues up tracks on iTunes, she is now taking on a more serious musical role. According to Now magazine:

The socialite has formed Kiss And Makeup with pal Johnny Makeup.

Let’s hope that this isn’t a bad play on name. Because you see his surname is Makeup, so the songs could all be wretched love songs about the pain of a romance when a boyfriend steals your guinea pig. Yeah, that sounds about right, but we’re not overly bothered if we’re wrong. If you’re a bit odd in the head, we recommend getting to one of their gigs; they probably won’t last as long as Peaches’ marriage.

Don’t expect them to see them in our MySpace Trawl feature anytime soon. Unless we run out of bands to write about/forget to do it and need a reserve band to scribble about.

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Peaches Geldof has been filmed handing over money to a pair of notorious drug dealers and is to be investigated by the police.

Nineteen-year-old Peaches was secretly filmed offering Jonny Blagrove and Cara Burton £140 in return for some unspecified goods.

Then Blagrove, ‘dealer to the stars’, tells Peaches what she wants will actually cost her £190.

The extra £50 quid doesn’t deter Peaches, she is after all the daughter of modern day Jesus, Bob Geldof, and it’s good to see the royalties from I don’t like Mondays aren’t going to waste.

Peaches is then reportedly recorded saying:

I’m going to need Valium tomorrow after this.

It is because of this statement that police strongly suspect something drug related has happened here, as Valium is often used as a comedown by professional users. But, until the investigation is carried out, who’s to say Peaches wasn’t buying £190 worth of Red Bull? We just don’t know.

Maybe she was buying an X-Box 360 with GTA IV off them? The excitement of getting her hands on that could require a good dosage of Valium to help her get to sleep at night, in order to get up early, refreshed for another day doing whatever it is that she does.

The secretly filmed footage was found on a memory stick that was seized by police from Jonny Blagrove and Cara Burton, as part of an investigation into what they suspect is a celebrity drugs empire run by the couple.

A police source told the News Of The World:

She will be interviewed some time this week and asked to explain what is happening in the video and why she is handing money over to the couple. It is all part of a large investigation into alleged drugs dealing.

And, on that very same stick, there is also the footage of Amy Winehouse allegedly smoking crack at a house party last January. One hell of a part going on in that pen-drive.

All the footage had been deleted from the memory stick but police, using special secret police techniques, managed to recover the lost data, which is vaguely terrifying.

Let’s just hope girlfriends don’t figure it out anytime soon, or else it’s time for an acid bath.

It has also been suggested that the filming was carried out by the alleged drug-pushing couple, perhaps in an effort to blackmail Peaches.

If it is found that Peaches did indeed purchase illegal substances, she could face a jail term but, as she’s a white, female, middle-class, first time offender and the daughter of Christ, we can safely assume a slap on the wrist will suffice.

Read More – Peaches Geldof To Be Questioned Over Drugs Footage – EntertainmentWise