And there we were thinking that Ashlee Simpson called her baby Bronx Mowgli Wentz because she hates it and wants it to be bullied forever.

How wrong we were. According to some reports, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz may have settled on Bronx Mowgli Wentz because then they’d have a baby with the initials BMW, vastly increasing the chance of BMW giving the couple a new car as a way of thanking them for the unofficial endorsement of their brand.

But that hasn’t happened. A BMW spokesman has been quoted as saying that Bronx Mowgli Wentz wouldn’t be getting a free car, not even on his 16th birthday. You know what this means, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz? It’s back to the drawing board. In nine months’ time, baby Tassimo Easyjet Argos PlayStation Tizer Wentz is going to turn your luck around!

Bronx Mowgli Wentz. It’s been four days since Ashlee Simpson gave birth to Pete Wentz’s baby and the name still hasn’t sunk in.

Bronx Mowgli Wentz. It’s not even a bad name – it’s a name that’s bordering on evil. At least Knox Leon Jolie-Pitt can use his middle name to avoid schoolyard bullying. But what’ll happen if Bronx Mowgli does the same? He’ll not only get beaten up, but he’ll get beaten up by children screaming “Oobee doo, I wanna be like you-ooh-ooh!” into his crying face. And that’s obviously worse.

But still, at least Bronx Mowgli Wentz will have a successful future career as the author of several A Child Called It-style misery-lit memoirs entitled things like What Kind Of Idiot Names Their Son Bronx? and My Surname Was Already Wentz, You Didn’t Have To Make My Other Names Stupid Too. And that’s just as well, because Bronx Mowgli Wentz sure as hell isn’t getting a free car out of it.

You see, Bronx Mowgli Wentz’s name is so stunningly bad that some people have felt the need to try and explain it away, because an explanation – any explanation – would help rid them of their fear and confusion. And the most convincing explanation so far is that Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz opted for Bronx Mowgli Wentz because then he’d have the initials BMW, which would automatically entitle him to a free car.

But, as someone from TMZ with too much time on their hands discovered, nobody’s getting a free car. Not now, and not in the year 2024 either:

We contacted BMW, who told us: “A new born baby is a magical moment for any family and we are happy that their son shares the same initials as us, but as for a free car on his sixteenth birthday we can not make any promises.”

Now that’s not because giving cars to anyone who happens to have the initials would be a dangerous precedent that would bankrupt the company in months, but because by the time Bronx Mowgli is 16 it’ll take a decade of back-breaking labour just to afford to fill a car with enough petrol to get to the shops and it’d no longer be economically viable.

Either that or because everyone at BMW thinks that Fall Out Boy are a pile of shit. Both theories are perfectly acceptable.

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