Its a matter of weeks since Beyonce and Jay Z popped out a sprog in a hospital which they cordoned off all for themselves (probably leaving patients to die in the street or something), and they’re already out getting drunk like irresponsible thugs.

Seriously. Blue Ivy Carter’s head hasn’t even had the chance to form over the fontanelle yet, the poor neglected thing!

Yet still, this ghoulish pair don’t care one jot, going out and drinking shots and champagne without a care where their child is. Blue Ivy was probably locked in the car or something. It’s all so unspeakably awful that we’re crying here. CRYING.

Hova and Bey stayed out ’til arout 4 am at Jiggaman’s club 40/40 according to various people staring at some drunk celebrities, clearly having nothing better to do with their evening.

An obviously concerned source noted that Beyonce attended the afterparty:

“She arrived with her mother, Tina Knowles ,” and her mother-in-law, Gloria Carter. After “sprinting through a side entrance” shortly before midnight, Beyoncé toured the club for the first time since its renovation”

So far, so spectacularly dull.

However, Beyonce was seen sipping ‘what appeared to be a glass of bubbly’ around 3am, while tottering around in a cleavage-erupting red dress and embroidered Christian Louboutin shoes like some kind of expensive prostitute… and all the while, Jay stuck around ’til kicking-out time, throwing drinks down his famous, but irresponsible neck with Nas and some marketing bozo called Steve Stoute.

All the while, Blue Ivy was nowhere to be seen. Out of sight, out of mind.

We can only hope for that poor, poor child’s sake, that she won’t be left to fend for herself in the wild again with her awful parents off having the time of their lives like they don’t have an obligation to look after their newborn.

This is all incredibly troubling. It seems Jay Z meant it when he rapped ‘I got 99 problems but my newly born daughter ain’t one’.

We’re legally obliged to parody 99 Problems. Sorry.

Proper news organisations have all sorts of grown up codes and practices. So imagine if they were having a slow news day and had to report on less important articles like Lee Ryan? We imagine that a piece about one of life’s biggest blips would go along the lines of saying; “Lee Ryan, bad boy of pop band Blue has been living up to his reputation of causing chaos on a night out on the town.”

But here at the hecklerspray hole, we know that Lee Ryan has never had a credible reputation as a popstar or as a hard man. A yoghurt that’s gone a day past its expiry date poses more of a threat.

However, our number one bruv has been in bother with the authorities before. A few years ago, he was fined £500 after attacking a taxi driver following a crash in Surrey. Maybe our Lee’s given up on singing and is now imitating superheroes by getting involved in brawls, but not saving anyone. This particular epic struggle took place at his birthday party in June.

Why we weren’t invited to the birthday celebrations of Lee Ryan is beyond us. It isn’t like we’ve ever fallen out or anything. Well, there was that one time he dropped the “c” bomb on us after we had a snigger at his appearance on reality show Hell’s Kitchen. Surely the skills he picked up could be transferred to his local kebab shop where Lee could claim the title of chief meat botherer? Hell, he could probably stab us all to death in a really artistic way if he really wanted to.

The simplest of things can cause a full blown fight to erupt. It could be from political differences, pointless hate over supporting a rival football team or even the classic scenario of someone accidentally looking at your drink. We don’t know what happened at Lee Ryan’s big bash to cause such a kerfuffle, but we imagine that someone disagreed with Lee’s stance on elephants. After all, the Blue singer does feel that the victims of September 11th weren’t as important as the tusked creatures. We wonder if he knows where ivory comes from? But from reports, we’ve heard that:

“The singer had invited dozens of people to an Oxford nightclub, charging £10 for tickets, but a row inside spilled into the street.”

We’re aware that the world’s economy has gone belly up and everybody is looking to save money where possible, but charging people to get into your own birthday bash? Christ knows what the payment is for. Perhaps Lee did have good intentions and wanted to give anyone attending more than just a party bag containing a slab of cake, hat and rubbish toy. That said, if he was broke, he could’ve sold left-over copies of Blue’s albums before they’re all shipped off to North Korea to be used as coasters.

At this point we’d argue that fining someone a laughable £80 for improper conduct is a joke to justice and hardly a dent in the finances of someone with ‘celeb status. But then again, the judge knows that the perpetrator was Lee Ryan, a bloke who is close to joining a local busking band as backing vocalist in order to make some pennies. So the amount is fair, it’ll take him months to repay in weekly 5p instalments.

But we don’t like to see a bruv in peril. Therefore, we’re offering a staggering £50 for Lee Ryan to come play at the ‘spray bedsit Christmas party. It’ll be a hoot. And full of knock off booze and, most importantly, pointless fist fights.

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Preening, chemically enhanced music “supremo” Louis Walsh has spoken out about his decision to step down as Boyzone’s manager, something that we didn’t even know had happened. Walsh, the man responsible for making the skin of young boys everywhere crawl to the point where it attempts to tear itself from the body of its host and choke itself.

Earlier this month, reports emerged that Walsh had ditched the boyband because of disappointing ticket sales, brought about by the death of pop music, something that he is at least partly responsible for. The poor man’s Simon Cowell is said to believe that he missed a trick by refusing to manage Take That because he didn’t fancy Mark Owen enough to take the job.

Add to this lead singer Ronan Keating’s recent revelation that he likes to put his knob about a bit and you have yourself a self-righteous, pompous TV personality trying to get himself some more personality by strategically dropping a relatively unpopular band that are still well-known at the beginning of the downward slope of their singing careers.

Walsh has argues, largely with himself because no-one else cares, that Boyzone cannot compete with their younger, more contemporary peers. Speaking to Heat Magazine:

“They’re like Blue – yesterday’s men, there’s too much competition for them.”

hecklerspray, while delighted at the cheap shot at Lee Ryan’s horrific shower of fecal matter, we cannot condone the suggestion that Louis Walsh knows anything about good music whether it be drivel-filled, manufactured pop or otherwise. He went on to say:

“You have to have something amazing as there’s so much talent out there – JLS, One Direction, Westlife, The Wanted.”

Rumours suggest that cracks between Walsh and Boyzone became wider following the death of group member Stephen Gately at the end of 2009. There are a number of jokes that can be placed here but we sometimes like to have you do the work yourselves.

“Boyzone can carry on but it wasn’t working. It was great while it lasted, but it’s time for me to move on.”

With that blessing from the least interesting man in music, how can Boyzone ever consider splitting up? They should keep going until Shane Duffy is eventually jailed for beating Aston from JLS to death in an alleyway. So far, they have no plans to split up but, just to be on the safe side, let’s all keep our fingers crossed, eh?

Blue’s fairly average effort at the Eurovision Song Contest over the weekend, in which they discussed the merits of a mysterious figure named ‘Ican’, brought to light an interesting political phenomenon north of the border (in Scotland, yeah?).

On realizing that even Jedward were better than the UK entry, several sources on the Twitter could be heard muttering darkly that this was as good a reason as any to vote ‘yes’ to Independence in Big Eck’s referendum.

A lot of people in Scotland will tell you they voted SNP t’other week on the grounds that they did a pretty decent job of the last four months in government; because their traditional faith in the Lib Dems has been bummed to within an inch of its life; or because they were inherently disgusted by the prospect of Labour leader Iain Gray’s toupee-like hair representing the nation at international events, behaving like a ferret on ketamine. But that’s all lies. What the Scottish people really want is to be able to put forward their own entry to the Eurovision.

‘Just imagine it,’ voters whispered dreamily to themselves at polling stations up and down the country, ‘if we were independent from the rest of the UK, we could alternate SuBo and The Proclaimers year after year, winning every competition and building our entire infrastructure around sequins, pyrotechnics and wind machines. The ship yards could reopen, but instead of building boring old ships, hundreds of big beefy men would be crafting set pieces for the show.’

And think of the VT interludes! What a chance to show the country in all its wonderful independent diversity. The West Highland way, littered with the forgotten bones of English ramblers. Highrise tower blocks stand out dramatically against dusky pink sunsets, the cries of agoraphobic elderly tenants faintly discernible above the howling of the gulls. Homeless people line the streets, picking at the remains of discarded Mars bar suppers before organizing a rendition of Auld Lang Syne as one performs a shuffling pas-de-basques.

Our prodigal sons could return home, too. A source lied,

“Alan Cumming freakin’ hates living in New York. How could the bright lights of the Big Apple possibly compare to the bustling nightlife of Kirckaldy?”

Meanwhile we have it on authority that if Sir Sean of Connery has to eat any more paella in his tax-free Spanish villa, he’ll likely explode from boredom. A Scottish Eurovision entry could save him that pain, giving him reason to live again. Maybe he’d even return to acting, and goodness knows we need performers of his versatility to whip amateurish youngsters like James Franco and Jesse Eisenberg into shape.

So watch out, Europe. Pending a successful referendum and several severe changes to the Scotland Act that would have to be approved by both the Queen and the decisively unionist Prime Minister David Cameron, an independent Scotland will be coming atcha in 4-5 years with the catchiest entry since Waterloo.

Imagine, a Scottish hosted Eurovision. It’s a wonderful dream. And this might even be the song to take us there.

This was a guest post by Ali George, and it’s not racist cause she’s as Scottish as kilts and castles, and writes words over at 12books12months

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The Eurovision has been and gone, with an immediately forgettable song from Azerbaijan winning, leaving the controller of AzTV absolutely shitting his pants at the prospect of hosting one of the most prestigious shows in the calendar.

More forgettable that the winning song… which was called… uh… um… whatever it was, is ‘I Can’ by Blue which, in hindsight, should have been called ‘We Won’t’.

Of course, the collective egos in Blue won’t be able to process what happened on the night. They’re still wrapped in their little bubble that tells them that, if they hit a high note or two and flash some pectoral muscles, they’ll be met with unswerving praise, like they’ve just found the cure for every illness in history. Alas, they finished mid-table and are now filed under ‘flop’.

Blue managed to create the world’s first tug o’war that saw neither party wanting them, leaving their song acting as the loose rope, limping dangling between two groups, both yelling “NO! WE HATE THEM MORE!” And while hecklerspray desperately wanted a scoreless performance from the lads, we’re actually rather pleased Lee Ryan & Co finished in middling nowhere.

Everyone remembers Gemini. Hopefully everyone will forget Blue even existed in the first place.

Naturally, this doesn’t make any sense to the members of Blue so they’re sticking with the line, presumably fed to them by a personal assistant who can’t wait to see the back of them, that they have been victims of political voting.

Simon Webbe said:

“It is often not really about the song but who your neighbours are. But we are proud of what we did.”

So proud that, reportedly, Duncan, Lee and Simon stayed up until 6am being really classy and knocking back endless Jaegerbombs like they were students. Token stolen police cone, Antony Costa, was so disappointed that he went straight to bed before planning which cashpoints he’d urinate on in the morning.

Sadly, we suspect this isn’t the last we’ve heard of these horrible, preening gits.

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As far as most music fans in the UK are concerned, there is no other country in Europe that can produce decent quality sounds. This seems like a pretty arrogant attitude to take when you look at the UK charts and consider the fact that sodding Adele has been at number one for weeks.

Nonetheless, it seems that only British acts can top its own chart, giving the impression that all of Europe is rubbish at making music.

But fear not everyone, just like an awkward anniversary of getting a cyst removed, the annual event that is the Eurovision Song Content has rolled around. Each year we forget about our generic sounding cockney twostepgrimedubstepsplattermash and instead wrap our ears round European music that generally leaves us confused and wanting to suckle the safety teat of Lulu. Will we be seduced by Serbian harp playing or blown away by Latvian drum solos? Or will the whole thing be a fucking shambles, making Blue look like musical Gods?

This year’s Eurovision Song Contest is being held at the Düsseldorf Arena, in Germany. The 2010 winners always get to host the overly expensive event that might have seemed a great idea at the time, but once costs mount up, it like a totally pointless exercise. But then again, Germany will probably benefit financially from the influx of tourists who’ll come and indulge in its traditional cultural offerings, such as beer, sausages and weird leather based garments – Angela Merkel’s face being a mixture of all three.

It’s at this time where we should probably offer some sort of betting odds and laugh at some of the various entrants in this year’s competition. However, some of the various slaves who pump out words at hecklerspray have decided to live tweet the event on Saturday. What’ll make it better is seeing the acts for the first time so we can give a totally unbiased opinion, all whilst getting slightly more intoxicated as the night goes on.

As it stands, we’re aware of two acts that are set to feature in Eurovision and both are strangely ones we’ve heard before. For the UK, its piss poor excuse for a boy band, Blue. Once upon a time they were quite popular and then it went downhill as idiot members such as Lee Ryan decided to speak for themselves. Scraping the bottom of the barrel is an understatement as Blue attempt to revitalise their career. We can assume they’ve been picked by the BBC as most of Europe know who they are already, giving a slight advantage. Here is their entry which sounds like a shit motivational speech backed by music made on a broken keyboard:

Elsewhere, Ireland have down the road of using a novelty act and have sent Jedward along to show the rest of Europe that there is more to the nation than U2 and Tatyos.

The duo have remarkably made a decent career after being kicked off the X-Factor a couple of years ago. This track is much more uptempo than the offering from Blue. We can only assume that Jedward are going down the Rihanna and Britney Spears route of releasing an electronica tinged song because it’s the current flavour of the month.

Out of the UK and Ireland song choices, we’d probably say Jedward will win. Not because we we’re being petty and detest Blue, but it’s more energetic track. Europeans seem to like bonkers offerings and out of the two, Jedward win.

Remember, we should be around on Saturday to live blog it. Hopefully Twitter won’t block our account like they did for the Royal Wedding.

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When PR people tout their products to us, we’re often told that “it’s the film or album of the year,” this is quite a statement considering we get sent this claims every day of the year. However, we can categorically say that Lee Ryan of terrible manband Blue has given the quote of the year.

Bless poor Lee and his supermarket own brand socks. Out of all the members of Blue, he was meant to be the cute and adorable member. Sadly, he has an expression permanently glued to his face that resembles a rabbit that’s about to get squished by a lorry.

Lee’s job is to emit some high pitched squeals and yelps and do nothing more. Sadly, the cogs in his brain don’t quite turn properly and when he does speak his mind, utter drivel comes out. But we’ve got it all wrong according to Lee.

Not so long ago, Lee Ryan decided that it was time to out himself. Not as a homosexual to accompany bisexual bandmate Duncan James, but as a secret genius.

Crikey, this comes as a shock to us as we’ve heard all sorts of stuff come from his mouth over the years. These choice quotes make us wonder if he’s actually a comedian who can keep a perfect straight face:

“To be honest everything goes over my head a bit.”

“I still have imaginary friends who I talk to in my head.”

These are all classic Lee Ryan moments. No wonder his group did so well; people got three singers to entertain them and some sort of village idiot following them around. However, there is one special moment when our Lee topped his own levels of stupidity. After the tragic September 11th attacks, Lee Ryan didn’t have much concern for the innocent victims. Instead he said:

“Who gives a f**k about New York when elephants are being killed.”

Moronic behaviour from such a kind and caring gentlemen? Who are we to judge? Actually, for once we can! That’s right, over the years we’ve had a few run-ins with the warbling tit – not once, twice but three times! Clothes guru Chris Laverty got the c bomb dropped on him and even our evil overlord editor Mof Gimmers suffered some misspelt abuse after he defended the honour of one of our ace readers. And for this writer? Child like anger being sent via MySpace after Lee’s exit from reality show Hell’s Kitchen..

Even though all the evidence suggests that Lee Ryan amuses himself by sticking his fingers into plug sockets, he obviously thinks differently to our superior opinion. Ahead of his band’s dire Eurovision campaign, Lee said:

“They say if you’re left-handed and dyslexic you only use the creative side of your brain. It’s very rare to be left-handed and dyslexic, so I’m a bordering genius.”

All before band mate Duncan James corrected him by saying:

“A borderline genius.”

Zinged by Duncan James. Incredible.

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Latter-day adherent to the Knights Code of Chivalry Lee Ryan has had yet another busy weekend making himself appear exactly as gash as everyone had long-ago decided he actually is.

When quizzed as to why he rarely visits his ‘love-child’ daughter, the permanently perplexed-looking poltroon replied with the justification:

“I already have a son.”

WHAT? DO YOU THINK THAT’S HOW IT WORKS LEE RYAN? It’s not like saying you don’t play on your PS3 because you’ve already got an Xbox you squinty-eyed chump. You get some misguided young lady up the clout, make some sort of vague effort with your responsibilities and that makes any other child born as a result of you getting some other poor lass you met on mySpace up the pigeon just not count?

Whilst not busy appearing in pop music promos with an expression on his face that is meant to suggest he is ‘emoting’ but actually just makes him look like he is suffering a difficult bowel movement, Lee “Man Of The Century” Ryan pre-emptively sprung to his own defence by stating that:

“I haven’t done anything wrong and I’m not a bad bloke. I’ll do what I’ve got to do in my own career and my own life. For my own happiness. I’m not gonna be… told what to do”

Despite it taking a DNA test before Lee “You Look Cold Love, Here Take My Coat” Ryan even acknowledged the child was even his daughter.

The non-bad bloke who hasn’t done anything wrong was also this weekend reported to have replied to the mother of his more important son’s request for financial assistance with the text message:

“You can starve you fucking bitch! I hate u that much!!!”

At time of writing it is not known if the mother of Lee “Don’t Be Silly, I’ll Pay For That” Ryan’s son has actually starved to death, or if his daughter has the slightest idea what he looks like.

But he’s “not a bad bloke” and he has his career to think about. Good luck in Eurovision, guys.

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Massively unsympathetic squinty-eyed failed solo artist, pretend hard-man and member of Blue Lee Ryan has had a busy weekend of failed chat-up lines, starting ridiculous feuds with other boy-bands and then unreservedly apologising for the whole thing like a great big girl’s blouse.

The absurd prancing marionette recently informed a listless world of his thoughts regarding the current music scene:

“It’s been so boring without Blue. All that X Factor b*llocks. F**k X Factor. All they say is ‘Oh, we’re from The X Factor, we’re so boring’. X Factor c***s. Bands like The Wanted are so dull. Don’t worry, Blue are back now,” according to some dreary free newspaper.

Clearly of the belief that Blue are some sort of latter-day Ziggy Stardusts and not the identikit production-line popsters they actually are, weasel-faced Ryan apparently then went on to fail copping-off with MTV presenter Laura Whitmore at the Nintendo 3DS launch party with the stellar line:

“Are you f**king anyone at the moment?”

Brilliant.

The Wanted’s Tom Parker responded to Ryan’s jibes with the following, actually quite amusing, tweet:

“Dear Mr Ryan. I’m writing this message to say fuck you calling us ‘dull’ in the paper today. I’m really excited to see you represent the UK at eurovision this year. My thoughts, and more importantly MY PRAYERS will be with you at this very difficult time”

How did taxi-driver assaulting and alleged fiancé-battering (charges dropped) Lee Ryan respond? Big, hard Lee Ryan? By hiding behind the skirts of his boy-band’s Twitter account, that’s how:

“On Sunday 27th March 2011, @officialblue said:

From Lee Ryan: I’d like to set the record straight about my comments that have been reported today. I was only making a joke that too many current music acts are overly ‘media trained’. I didn’t mean to cause any offence and my comments were not aimed at any band in particular at all. For the record I think The Wanted are a great band”

We presume Lee Ryan is no longer on Twitter himself due to some advanced new stupidity filter or something.

In what we assume is unrelated news, fan-site lee-ryan.org has recently closed down because, hilariously, “we are no longer Lee Ryan’s fans” according to a statement on the homepage.

Can’t imagine why.

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It was announced recently that boyband goons Blue would fly the flag for the UK and attempt to convince Europe that we haven’t lost the musical talent we once possessed. We’d be lying if we weren’t one of the people questioning the decision of sending a retired act to compete. But then again, we spend our lunchtime writing rude words out of alphabet soup. Who are we to judge?

Unlike the rest of Europe, the UK has a world famous broadcaster greasing the cogs for the band, telling then what to say, what to wear and generally making sure they receive gleaming PR.

So you’d assume it would be hard for Blue to make a mess of this glorious opportunity? Inevitably, you’d be wrong as a spanner has just been thrown in to the works. Not by chief moron Lee Ryan, oh no, it’s by another pesky critter in the Blue ranks, Anthony Costa.

Because Blue are competing in a European competition, you’d be forgiven for thinking that Anthony Costa made some sort of Top Gear remark about another country. If Richard Hammond can get away with broadcasting a remark about Mexicans being renowned for their laziness, then you’d assume that Costa made a quip about the Germans and the war, Iceland being idiots for not controlling their volcanoes or an easy pop at the French for riding bicycles, chomping on baguettes and dosing themselves in garlic perfume.

Strangely, none of the above acts of verbal stupidity were committed. In fact, he didn’t say anything relating to any of the other nations competing in the world’s weirdest singing competition, otherwise known as Eurovision.

What Anthony Costa did was strangely unremarkable, yet utterly wrong. Ladies and gents, the man decided to have a tinkle whilst using a cash point.

Let us reiterate that to you again. He didn’t just have a wee against a money hole; he did it at the same time as extracting some money, thus proving that men can actually multitask. We can think of more pleasant ways of showing that blokes can do two things at once, but this is a start we guess.

Some newspaper who never links to our articles, so they can go whistle if they want a link from us, says:

“The 29-year-old father of one relieves himself while deep in conversation on his mobile phone, leaving a pool of urine on the pavement. After finishing the call, he reaches into his back pocket for his wallet. He eventually re-fastens his trousers – with total indifference to other people needing to use the Post Office cash machine – after withdrawing a wad of notes.”

At this point in the article, we now need to throw in the obligatory Blue based song gag, so here we go. We assume that after waking up and seeing the antics of his behavior, he’ll want to send an apology to the people who have to mop up his piss, but, as he knows himself, “sorry seems to be the hardest word.”

Frankly, we can’t believe he has the ability to pull out a “wad of notes” from a cash machine. We’d assume he’d be begging for money these days.

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It seems bitterly ironic that the UK fails to storm home every year as winners in the Eurovision song contest. After all, you just have to look at the wide variety of established musical acts across multiple genres.

We’ve seen it all from jazz, punk, indie, rock ‘n’ roll and electronic. Whenever we look to find someone to represent us in Eurovision, we have a habit of picking people who look like they’ve been let out of an asylum for losers.

Each year, a nobody comes along and spectacularly fails. Many reasons are blamed for why we finish bottom of the pile. The standard excuse is because every country in Europe hates us for licking America’s bumhole and joining in on the war on terror. Or, more realistically, it’s because the songs we pick are woeful compared to singers from other countries who feature really fit transsexuals and singers who turn in to butterflies during a performance. So how can the UK radicalise its chances? That’s right, by offering boyband Blue who were shit back then and are still shit now.

The idea of using a band once famed for selling bad pop records to children who couldn’t think for themselves isn’t even an original idea by the people responsible for the UK’s entry. Ireland are already fifteen steps ahead of us and have cast the hyperactive duo Jedward.

While Blue will presumably sing a ballad about something dreary, Jedward will no doubt be swinging around the stage on harnesses, inexplicably charming the socks off everyone.

Why ‘we’ decided on Blue is a decision that will cause more confusion than outrage to the general public. If anything, we assume it was Blue who camped outside the judging panels houses and begged for a chance to pester us and score some sales of old records based on any fame that comes from Eurovision.

Since splitting up, the various members haven’t done much apart from appearing on reality TV, speaking on panel shows and having awful solo careers.

In particular, hecklerspray’s favourite ever popstar is in Blue. The humble bell that is Lee Ryan will be unleashed so he can emit high pitched squeals that shatter glass in a close proximity. And the glass will be happy to die. We don’t know how he gets to sound like a big girl, but if he needs a kick in the stones to unease his manliness, we’ll personally fly over with our best steel capped boots on so we can deliver the required blows.

Hopefully the natives of Europe will see him as a demonic beast and sacrifice him live on stage.

Former manager Daniel Glatman isn’t a fan of all this. He’s already described the decision to enter the group as “reckless insanity”.

“They will have to win. Anything less and their reputation would be in tatters. It is the equivalent of Lewis Hamilton entering a go-kart race – he will be the strong favourite but there is also the possibility he could lose. So why risk it?”
“Bookies suggested the UK entry stands only a slim chance of victory. William Hill list Blue as 25/1 outsiders. Only Jedward – entering for Ireland – have worse odds at 33/1. Last year’s UK entry Josh Dubovie came last after his song – masterminded by hit-maker Pete Waterman – picked up just 10 points.”

Come the night of Eurovision, we’ll be supporting the French and every other country entering so we finish bottom, hopefully shattering the career of Blue forever.

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There’s only the occasional moment when the collective ‘we’ hate ourselves more than usual. We go from a curled, weeping ball in the corner to a full-on howling banshee at the sheer depravity and hideous abandon that is life.

One such moment came last night as thoughts of Derren Brown breaking Uri Gellar’s spine using the power of his mind crossed our thoughts, and was suddenly greeted by a neon sign flashing through the mind’s eye. It read, in large, green, garish letters:

“Wonder what Lee Ryan’s been up to recently?”

Unfortunately we may never know why this image flashed through the hecklerspray head. It’s possible that such a thing is the warning sign of an impending massive aneurysm. We may never know. Or you won’t at least. You’ll just be sitting there, happily drinking your cup of chai tea while blood pours from a massive wound in my head.

Head wounds, of course, aren’t a common symptom of an aneurysm but could easily be a symptom of “Insultiryanitis” which will no doubt plague us over the course of this article.

It is a good question though. Just what has Lee Ryan been up to since he left his fans with no-one to turn to for tips on covering bruises?

1. Writing a Screenplay

Anyone who is familiar with Lee Ryan (obviously, only his fans truly know the man) will no doubt be familiar with his incredible body of film scripts which he has penned on his own without the help of a dictionary or an imagination. Many of Hollywood’s biggest A-List celebs have already signed on to “Cyan – A Band’s Story” which tells the tale of a manufactured boy band called ‘Cyan’ and their meteoric rise to mediocre stardom. Supposedly the film will feature a cameo from Stevie Wonder because the man just never learns.

2. Training to become a Gondolier

In preparation for work on a new film to be produced by Steven Spielberg and directed by Michael Bay, Lee Ryan will play “The Gondolier”, an Italian… well… gondolier who taxis people around the canals of Venice by day but by night turns into a 20 foot tall, CGI robot with the sole purpose of protecting beautiful women from being felt up outside nightclubs. We’re led to believe that it’s a romantic comedy that, as with all Michael Bay films, is really hard to follow owing to poor direction and an unconvincing leading man.

3. Writing a New Dictionary

Here in the murky dungeons of the hecklerspray bedsit, where Mof Gimmers flogs writers until they churn out copy on the hateful antics of singers with Disney contracts, our favourite thing about Lee Ryan is his way with words. He has such a grasp of the beauty of the English language as anyone that ever gazed with reverence at his Twitter feed will be able to attest to. Lee Ryan is a man so possessed by the beauty of the English language that he is aching to introduce his own line of words into the English language.

hecklerspray have managed to get our hands on a couple of these words and we think our readers will agree that these are almost more eloquent than the left-field naming of his son ‘Rayn’.

Bluesoors – verb. – To bruise or injure with the single-minded conviction of a former boy-band member. (Etymology: A similar word “Bartors” describes the act of vicious wounding by a Premiership footballer)

Seljam – verb. – The act of “jamming by the pool” when no-one else around. (Etymology: Before this word was invented it was impossible to ‘jam’ without the company of others)

Truly poignant. Words that we would surely be lucky to have in our paltry little language.

4. Fighting Crime

Under the guise of Phoenix Jones, Lee Ryan has been using his violent streak and martial arts training to protect the streets of Seattle, Washington. Why Seattle, you ask? Supposedly Ryan was so infuriated at an episode of Frasier that he pledged to punch him out of existence (not realising that Frasier is a fictional character). Supposedly the leather suit came after a drunken evening playing darts in the back of a sex shop left him unable to wear anything else after losing a bet.

5. Releasing a New Album

This part is actually true. It’s coming out on Geffen records who had initially dropped Ryan due to poor sales of his previous work. After much online bleating from fans, they resigned him. A decision we’re sure they’ll come to regret.

So that’s it then. Now you’re all caught up on what Lee Ryan of being Lee Ryan fame has been up to just in time for the release of his latest album. We’re sure you’ll agree that, of all the things you’d been expecting us to write about Lee Ryan, these were some of the least likely… but the facts are (not) the facts.

We can only salute Lee Ryan for keeping so busy while the rest of piss away our time telling each other that we just had a nice piece of brie that had previously been owned by Elvis Costello.

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Pop is short for popular and songs which are legally purchased are arbitrarily complied in a big list to see who comes out on top.

Musos snort at girl groups doing a dance routine and singing irresistibly catchy melodies. Amazingly, grunge bands from Dagenham who only burn five hundred copies on CDR will never be too popular, yet apparently, more ‘real’.

Of course, Smash Hits was a pop music bible for the latest reviews, gossip and poster to ruin your bedroom wallpaper with. Now defunct, the best alternative can be found at Pop Justice. Like every other publication, the magazine held an annual awards ceremony. Roughly nine years ago, upcoming bands were rewarded for their musical efforts, but where are they now? Well, let’s put on our detective caps with our select pickings from the winners.
Best Single: Atomic Kitten – Whole Again

Atomic Kitten didn’t have any real charm or sophistication when they were busy dominating the charts. The Spice Girls were promoted as a feisty five piece whilst All Saints had a cool edge about then. At best, Atomic Kitten appeared to be hurriedly thrown together after an A&R man saw three drunk woman singing karaoke style whilst digging in to a bag of chips.

Since they split, the most high profile member has been Kerry Katona. She did reach a stage of being rock bottom and had to resort to that jungle program to reclaim popularity. After sucking that dry, she had some kids, did some drugs, married some bloke, made an MTV show, did a little cry and got fired from Iceland. Elsewhere, Jenny Frost from Atomic Kitten hosts Snog Marry Avoid. This is a bewildering show where people in 14 inches of makeup are politely told they look like shit.

Best Band – Westlife

What do you owe Westlife? Quite frankly, just about everything. After formulating the groove for trip hop, they pushed the boundary further when ditching the traditional 4/4 signature time format in electronica in order to create an explosion of 16/7 crazyness for the breakcore genre. Phew, we’re glad for research tools like Wikipedia, otherwise we’d be completely stumped for material to write in this section.

Best Album: Westlife – World Of Our Own

Of course we know who Westlife are! Do you like ballads? Well then this is the album for you. Track after track is full of soft male vocals that slowly soar into a wave of orchestral bliss. It’s great to see that this is the same safe format that they have continued for a further nine years. Overseen by Louis ‘You Remind Me Of A Little Lenny Henry’ Walsh, he might have bugger all luck in X-Factor, but he’ll have raked in a fortune from the band. Brian McFadden probably regrets leaving.

Best Newcomer – Blue

Regular readers of hecklerspray will know that Blue are our favourite pop group. We’ve had a couple of run-ins with one member in particular. Lee Ryan has called us all sorts of words that left us incredibly upset. We’ve spent weeks crying over his barbed insults.

After he foul mouthed a young bipolar lady, users of Twitter decided to do the same to him, subsequently making him a trending topic. All the members have bombed in solo attempts and now rumoured to be getting back together. In his own dyslexic words, Lee Ryan is a toatl cnut bsaket.

Best Live Act – Steps

Who needs instruments when you gave dance moves that have been rehearsed roughly one week before gigs? Smash Hit fans clearly loved this blend of camp pop and cover versions. Steps could have been any other pop band as at the time, the fashion and personalities of the group didn’t shine through. Probably why most of them have been forced to do reality TV and panto and put loads of weight on.

Best R&B – S Club 7

No, we have no idea how they got this award either.

So what have we learned? Well, nothing. Bands go in and out of fashion all the time and awards ceremonies are ultimately useless things that only serve to let sad writers like us hang around with famous people for an evening, in the hope that some of their magic rubs off on us.

Sadly, all that rubs off is a feeling of our collective failings as humans. We’re off to have a little cry over that Blue song that sings about Mother’s Pride bread…

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Reputations aren’t tags you’re simply given. Oh no – after years of hard work, there is a possibility that someone will attach some sort of meaning to your life.

Looking back through history, we can see that an iconic figure such as Henry VIII was not only known as the fat bastard who ate all the pies, but someone who literally chopped and changed his lovers whenever he felt like it.

Fast forwarding hundreds of years, and it’s clear that anyone can gain a reputation by doing the simplest of things. There was that fat bird in Big Brother who wanked herself off with a bottle, a moment that defined her entire existence. Someone who we know and love is Lee Ryan from crap boy band Blue. We used to think he was a washed-up twerp. But hold the press! Our opinion might be drifting towards ‘angry mentalist washed-up twerp’.

In the past, it seems that we’ve only seen one side to Lee Ryan. Who couldn’t love that naive idiotic expression he puts on when he smiles? Come on, everyone appreciates him and could never stay mad with a man who once declared elephants to be more important than the victims of September 11. Then there’s the whole MySpace situation with an ex-girlfriend and his brilliant strop on ITV’s Hell’s Kitchen.

Basically, who couldn’t love this man? He provides so much comedy material that we want to physically staple him to our bookshelf and insert one of those pull strings that releases one of 25 Lee Ryan phrases. So what’s our favourite bruv and all-round poor man’s Danny Dyer gone and done now? He’s only gone and got into a scrap with a club promoter over an appearance for his handful of fans. Bummer.

When making an appearance in Edinburgh, Lee was booked by a promoter called Laithy B Pal. Call us slightly naive, but anyone with a name like this might be the sort of person who’d maybe try and do one over on you. He sounds like some sort of bad garage singer who’s trapped in 2001. But in all fairness, if you book an act to entertain a group of women who would be more interested in the cheap alcopop deals than the main attraction, you’d reduce the £350 fee if they were an hour late. And that’s exactly what happened. New Magazine reports that our Lee was offered a reduced rate of £180 and he said:

“I’ll rip your fucking face off, I’m from South London.”

Crumbs, with that sort of outburst did the DJ press pause on his premixed CD in order for the club to soak up the atmosphere? No, everyone just continued their business which might have been trying to get a drunken girl to agree to sex in the toilet or having an argument on the middle of the dancefloor. An onlooker said:

“He was acting like someone out of his film, but it didn’t wash. It was hilarious.”

Supposedly, Lee Ryan was at the club to promote a brand new film he’s got a cameo in alongside the launch of his awful new single. We hope it goes well for him; otherwise we’ll have no more tales of his zany antics to report on.

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We’re glad that our favourite ever boy band member has got some work on the go. After all, we wouldn’t like to see him tour the countries social clubs in a clapped out Clio doing his own solo gigs. Just imagine it, for the pricey sum of £50, a couple of pints and a bag of salted nuts you could have Lee Ryan perform all of his erm…”hits”.

During the recession, it hasn’t been clear what the various members of Blue have been doing. Some say they had to take up summer jobs as cinema ushers or dog walkers. Lee Ryan has been off the radar but now it looks like he’s back to reclaim his tile of “biggest twonk in music” with some new tunes. But don’t scoff at the thought of him releasing another album full of shit ballads. Oh yes, get ready to raise the roof for an album of dance music that will delight anyone who shops in poundland.

Over the years, Lee Ryan has brought us nothing but constant amusement. Whilst we could easily call his songs an insult to anyone who calls themselves a fan of music, we won’t. After all, we have to give credit where it’s due and admit that we couldn’t reach those ridiculous high screechy notes. Not after being kicked in the nuts.

Perhaps our favourite TV reality chef failure is looking to broaden his market. After all, the songs he was penning were usually about love, courgettes, landfills and gramophones were usually aimed at teenage girls with heads the size of peanuts. Now it seems he wants to reach out to a new audience and prove he is a mature artist and not someone who beats up taxi drivers for no apparent reason.

Digital Spy reports:

“I grew up in Blue, but I became an adult when I left. I’ve exorcised some demons and hope people understand me better after listening.”

Christ, that’s a bold statement if ever we heard one. Put some dramatic music underneath him saying it, run a backdrop of two armies charging down a hill to commence in battle and you’d have a box office film that would break even at best. Then remember its Lee Ryan we’re talking about. But would his new musical direction sound like?

With dubstep firmly on the rise, maybe we’ll see Lee take his musical to a slow dirty sounding edge. One of the most annoying forms of dance music to actually dance to, he could jump on the bandwagon and maybe get the recognition he deserves by getting 4.7 seconds of a track used on Skins.

Because we’re so kind and want to offer a bridge of support to our mate Lee Ryan, we know how he can drum up publicity to get people interested in his music. After all, he did that spectacularly with his spiel about elephants being more important than the victims of the terrible 9/11 tragedy in New York. With Lee not fearing controversy in the slightest, here are some current topics he could capitalise on and use:

1) Sprucing up terrorists wardrobes and reducing their drab and bleak look. Why not add some colour to the wardrobe of burkas and head scarves. Plain black is so last season.
2) Penning the official anthem for the Conservative party.
3) Claiming that a priest did more than just take him for choir practice.

Don’t say we’re not helpful.

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