blue - HecklerSpray

S Club 7 To Reconvene, Hecklerspray’s DIY 90s Pop Reunion Template Article

March 22nd, 2012 By Sophie Hall

So that’s Blue, Steps, Spice Girls, Take That, No Doubt, 911 (Really?), Soundgarden (Jesus…), ‘Space’ (WHAT) and Babylon Zoo all reunited and back in our hearts once again. For the good of music.

The dream team are back. (Not ‘the Dream Team’ though. Just the idiom.) What an incredibly unexpected blast from the past! What a lovable foray back into 90s kitsch! What a beautifully orchestrated look into the disenfranchised work ethic of the average mid-30s misogynist. Soundgarden. Brilliant.

In case you haven’t realised yet – we don’t know how – maybe you were tired – maybe you woke up in a bunk-bed – maybe you were too busy thinking, “Crikey, it’s great about Space, isn’t it?” Hey. Whatever it was that you ‘had’ to do that made you not walk full pelt into the conclusion – that we are lying. That’s it. We’re liars. We do not think that every band that hit prominence in the late 90s, thus reinforcing the painstakingly dull ebb of a nation’s continued thrusting urgency for cheesy nostalgia, or an excuse to lift Lee Ryan’s restraining order on woodland creatures, vulnerable women and sci-fi is necessarily a good idea. Oh, and we also lied about Babylon Zoo. Sucks to be you right now.

Blue Ivy Carter Wears Some Clothes, World Goes Mental

March 15th, 2012 By Matthew Laidlow

Clothes, they're important aren't they? We wear them to primarily keep us warm, though there are people who?ll pay over the odds for the same white t-shirt, just because they've got a fancy designer label stitched in. But whatever the cost, they all come in handy, especially if hot chip fat is destined towards scalding our genitals.

As adults, we have the choice of whether we want to cover ourselves in the finest clubbed seal, or market-stall clobber. Babies however, have no control in what garments they’re clothed in. Boys wear blue and girls get covered in pink, though both items will have the same eerie smiling bubble bee design.

People don’t mind buying cheap clothes for babies because they grow so appallingly quickly. Anything will do. Most tots are clad in hessian sacks aren’t they? If you're one of the rich and famous, life?s a little easier. Instead of actually buying clothes, it's sometimes appears that designers use newborn children as crawling billboards to promote their stuff. Marc Jacobs won't be complaining after mystery child Blue Ivy Carter has been seen in his tiny person?s shoes.

Beyonce And Jay-Z Already Treating Baby As Commodity

February 10th, 2012 By Becca Day-Preston

In news that will shock all right-thinking people, and leave the Beckhams kicking themselves that they didn't think of it first, Beyonce and Jay-Z are attempting to trademark their baby?s name, Blue Ivy.

we're not sure if we're allowed to even write ?Blue Ivy? without giving them some sort of remuneration, actually?

Following two unsuccessful attempts by money-grubbing opportunists to trademark Blue Ivy, the ludicrous couple have filed a patent application with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office to protect it, in the process managing to look really, really arrogant and a bit mental.

Jay Z And Beyonce Already On The Lash Like Awful, Terrible Parents

February 8th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Its a matter of weeks since Beyonce and Jay Z popped out a sprog in a hospital which they cordoned off all for themselves (probably leaving patients to die in the street or something), and they’re already out getting drunk like irresponsible thugs.

Seriously. Blue Ivy Carter’s head hasn’t even had the chance to form over the fontanelle yet, the poor neglected thing!

Yet still, this ghoulish pair don’t care one jot, going out and drinking shots and champagne without a care where their child is. Blue Ivy was probably locked in the car or something. It’s all so unspeakably awful that we’re crying here. CRYING.

Lee Ryan Fined ?80 Over His Birthday Party Punch Up

July 27th, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

Proper news organisations have all sorts of grown up codes and practices. So imagine if they were having a slow news day and had to report on less important articles like Lee Ryan? We imagine that a piece about one of life?s biggest blips would go along the lines of saying; ?Lee Ryan, bad boy of pop band Blue has been living up to his reputation of causing chaos on a night out on the town.?

But here at the hecklerspray hole, we know that Lee Ryan has never had a credible reputation as a popstar or as a hard man. A yoghurt that's gone a day past its expiry date poses more of a threat.

However, our number one bruv has been in bother with the authorities before. A few years ago, he was fined ?500 after attacking a taxi driver following a crash in Surrey. Maybe our Lee’s given up on singing and is now imitating superheroes by getting involved in brawls, but not saving anyone. This particular epic struggle took place at his birthday party in June.

Louis Walsh Conveniently Forgets That No-One Cares About Why He Hates Boyzone

June 22nd, 2011 By Michael Park

Preening, chemically enhanced music “supremo” Louis Walsh has spoken out about his decision to step down as?Boyzone’s manager, something that we didn’t even know had happened. Walsh, the man responsible for making the skin of young boys everywhere crawl to the point where it attempts to tear itself from the body of its host and choke itself.

Earlier this month, reports emerged that?Walsh had ditched the boyband because of disappointing ticket sales, brought about by the death of pop music, something that he is at least partly responsible for. The poor man’s Simon Cowell is said to believe that he missed a trick by refusing to manage Take That because he didn’t fancy Mark Owen enough to take the job.

Add to this lead singer?Ronan Keating’s recent revelation that he likes to put his knob about a bit and you have yourself a self-righteous, pompous TV personality trying to get himself some more personality by strategically dropping a relatively unpopular band that are still well-known at the beginning of the downward slope of their singing careers.

Scottish Independence Equals Scotland At Eurovision

August 7th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Blue?s fairly average effort at the Eurovision Song Contest over the weekend, in which they discussed the merits of a mysterious figure named ?Ican?, brought to light an interesting political phenomenon north of the border (in Scotland, yeah?).

On realizing that even Jedward were better than the UK entry, several sources on the Twitter could be heard muttering darkly that this was as good a reason as any to vote ?yes? to Independence in Big Eck?s referendum.

A lot of people in Scotland will tell you they voted SNP t?other week on the grounds that they did a pretty decent job of the last four months in government; because their traditional faith in the Lib Dems has been bummed to within an inch of its life; or because they were inherently disgusted by the prospect of Labour leader Iain Gray?s toupee-like hair representing the nation at international events, behaving like a ferret on ketamine. But that's all lies. What the Scottish people really want is to be able to put forward their own entry to the Eurovision.

Blue Can’t Comprehend Europewide Ambivalence So Blame Failure On Politics

May 16th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

The Eurovision has been and gone, with an immediately forgettable song from Azerbaijan winning, leaving the controller of AzTV absolutely shitting his pants at the prospect of hosting one of the most prestigious shows in the calendar.

More forgettable that the winning song… which was called… uh… um… whatever it was, is ‘I Can’ by Blue which, in hindsight, should have been called ‘We Won’t’.

Of course, the collective egos in Blue won’t be able to process what happened on the night. They’re still wrapped in their little bubble that tells them that, if they hit a high note or two and flash some pectoral muscles, they’ll be met with unswerving praise, like they’ve just found the cure for every illness in history. Alas, they finished mid-table and are now filed under ‘flop’.

HecklerPlay: It's Eurovision Time, Again

August 7th, 2012 By Matthew Laidlow

As far as most music fans in the UK are concerned, there is no other country in Europe that can produce decent quality sounds. This seems like a pretty arrogant attitude to take when you look at the UK charts and consider the fact that sodding Adele has been at number one for weeks.

Nonetheless, it seems that only British acts can top its own chart, giving the impression that all of Europe is rubbish at making music.

But fear not everyone, just like an awkward anniversary of getting a cyst removed, the annual event that is the Eurovision Song Content has rolled around. Each year we forget about our generic sounding cockney twostepgrimedubstepsplattermash and instead wrap our ears round European music that generally leaves us confused and wanting to suckle the safety teat of Lulu. Will we be seduced by Serbian harp playing or blown away by Latvian drum solos? Or will the whole thing be a fucking shambles, making Blue look like musical Gods?

Lee Ryan Isn’t A Moron – He’s A Genius

May 10th, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

When PR people tout their products to us, we're often told that ?it's the film or album of the year,? this is quite a statement considering we get sent this claims every day of the year. However, we can categorically say that Lee Ryan of terrible manband Blue has given the quote of the year.

Bless poor Lee and his supermarket own brand socks. Out of all the members of Blue, he was meant to be the cute and adorable member. Sadly, he has an expression permanently glued to his face that resembles a rabbit that's about to get squished by a lorry.

Lee?s job is to emit some high pitched squeals and yelps and do nothing more. Sadly, the cogs in his brain don't quite turn properly and when he does speak his mind, utter drivel comes out. But we've got it all wrong according to Lee.