To mark fifty years on this planet gyrating and making everyone barf with her freaky biceps, Madonna is planning to film a sequel to 1991 all-about-me documentary In Bed With Madonna. Though now she is old, it’ll be less lingerie and candlesticks and more electric blankets and Tena Lady.

When Madonna took part in the inaugural In Bed With… she was on the eve of promoting her Blonde Ambition tour. Now she has a new gig to sell, ‘Hard Candy’, and another summer fighting off euthanasia to congratulate herself on.

Original director Alex Keshishian is due to return for the feature-length birthday update. He doesn’t work much these days so is presumably ecstatic at being able to move out of his parents’ house again.

A source close to someone close to Madonna told The London Paper:

It’s like an In Bed With Madonna but made for today. She leads an amazing, high-paced life now and Alex thought the time was right to do another documentary of her life and career.

Amazingly In Bed With Madonna remains the sixth highest grossing documentary of all time; amazing because it’s so boring they had to call it Truth or Dare in America to make it sound remotely saucy and amazing because it slots in just after March of the Penguins, which is similarly plodding but has Morgan Freeman doing voiceover and he is Jesus’s granddad.

Madonna has been a busy bee recently, updating her image from disco granny to curly ex-superstar with massive knockers, as seen in the Timberland produced 4 Minutes video alongside Justin Timberlake, who dribbles, gawping, as if he’s three months old and starving.

Also Mads has announced a new tour kicking off 23rd August at nursing homes around the world and last month won the adoption case to keep a Malawian baby she picked up in Duty Free. Next month Lameo magazine are instigating a competition with Angelina Jolie to see who can adopt the most kids in any country but here.

It’s not known whether Kevin Costner will make repeat appearance in Madonna’s beddy follow-up, spouting more gems like his infamous ‘neat’ first time around (she hated the comment; made her look neat).

If creaky Kev does show up he’ll no doubt have his own belated sequel to punt – Dances With My Zimmer Frame or maybe Robin Hood 2: Prince of Prescription Meds.

He and the former Miss Ciccone could have a chat on camera about the benefits of prune juice; that’ll be better than seeing Guy Richie wheeled into shot with his old Joanna for East End sing-along anyway.

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Madonna Plans Documentary Sequel – Female First