Outraged by all the Sam Ronson split talk, Lindsay Lohan has told the world via her MySpace blog that she and Sam absolutely haven’t split up – which we think is code for ‘let’s give it a fortnight, eh?’

Still, though, they’re still together and that’s good. Now if you feel something clawing wildly at your skin at night you’ll know it’s either a murderer or a feral raccoon, and not Lindsay Lohan trying to get her rocks off. Phew.

We’re sorry to have to tell you this, but the tears you shed yesterday upon hearing that Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson had split up were all for nothing.

You see, that thing that Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson apparently did on New Year’s Day – having an argument in a hotel that quickly escalated into a vicious WWE-style brawl that had to be broken up by security – was simply how lesbians express their love for one another. Or something. We don’t know. Look, the important thing is that Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson haven’t split up, OK? Good.

How do we know that Lindsay and Sam are still together? Because Lindsay Lohan told us, that’s how. Well, not us specifically – in fact Lindsay Lohan chose to tell the legions of hooting all-caps remedial-level ninnies that make up the MySpace community via a post on her ever hilarious blog. Lindsay wrote:

little piece of TRUE information: we did NOT break up! access hollywood, extra, et, every tabloid, page six… AND every GOSSIP website. Get your stories straight please. It’s really annoying to have all of your friends emailing you saying, i saw i read etc… NOT TRUE xoxox Lindsay

That last bit, by the way, is pronounced ‘zokzoz’, and denotes a kind of high-level ranking in the church of Scientology. This is definitely true. Tom Cruise is three ranks up from Lindsay and signs off his paranoid MySpace blogs with ‘xarknoxxle Tom’. We may have made this entire paragraph up.

Anyway, the important thing is that Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson haven’t split up. They’re still completely an item, and the New Year’s fight – if it happened at all – was just a one-off. After all, both Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson have been under a lot of pressure lately – Lindsay Lohan is still looking to find a job that she won’t immediately be fired from and Sam Ronson has a specific type of exhaustion that arises when you don’t have a proper job and your girlfriend’s an idiot.

So the panic’s over. Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson still love each other as much as ever, and they’re planning to spend 2009 doing what they do best – trudging around various cities together pulling glum faces that make them look like they’re both breathing in concentrated animal farts.

And if we have to write another story this week about how Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson have really split up for good, we’re shooting someone.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Do you enjoy the smell of peroxide? Do you ever float Indian style in your kitchen while that one nice black lady delivers a monologue about shiny floors? Are you pretty good at getting 14-year-old bloodstains off of mostly ceilings but probably a little bit off of the upper walls? Would grunge have appealed to you more if it had a heavier emphasis on germ-free personal living quarters?

If so, you should definitely put all of that down on a resume – because Courtney Love may really think about employing you. She said as much on her MySpace account, the venue she’s using to apparently hire a maid.

Well Courtney love is in trouble. Her house really is a total crap-hole though. Not that we’ve been there or anything. It’s just what we assume. Love spends far too much time sending Kurt Cobain’s ashes on vacation, possibly licking Pete Doherty’s always-peeling lips and generally looking awful to be able to dedicate any real time to personal household cleanliness.

That’s why she needs you. She needs your hunger for a dirt free mansion to swoop in and save her. She’s willing to pay you, you know. The catch is she’ll only pay you in carrots, which is really pretty ridiculous.

After all, carrots won’t pay the cable bill.

Her MySpace plea for a cleanliness-assistant touches on a bit more than the already mentioned topic. Really it babbles on for a bit in a mostly unrelated sort of way. Normally we wouldn’t include all the extra filler, but as it’s all a horrendously misspelled murder of the English language, we just couldn’t throw anything away:

is anyone insanely clean neatfreak near malibu? i need a non thieving non freaky housekeeper

also i need we need a documentarist, someone to document our studio as we go in wedsday, and i have ALOT of work to do til then and i wont just hand this to hbo or bbc 2 or bravo and god forbid not vh1! A DOCUMENATRY NOT A REALITY SHOW. get in touch with jason whp will further put you in touch with jason wienberg at untitled.

and am looking for a young PA type someone whor eally wants to get nto the film business cos as we startramping up pay some dues with me for a few months and you can be on this HTH movie – i think i know who i want to play kurt- he may not be as BEAUTIFUL as the other two but hes got something special and looks alot like him and has a great voice.

i know this is wierd- the agencies suck and im sick of PIGS who steal itts simple as that., so fuck it why not try my space , beats monster . no superfans please. and its very good money. btw the housekeeping part just early hours .”

thanks

wierdo mgcee

Keep in mind as you prepare your resume that love prefers Harvard over Yale, English degrees over mathematical ones, and she’d like to see your stomach velcroed shut so it’s easier to rip out your guts whenever the mood hits her.

Also, if you were involved in some sort of scouting as a child you should list that too, along with whatever merit badges you may have obtained. It might just give you that competitive edge.

It also explains Kanye West’s ridiculous little outburst at the paparazzi in LAX yesterday, where he pulled his hood up over his head, swung his arms about like a girl and got arrested on suspicion of vandalism and battery as a result. But now that the heat of the moment has passed, Kanye West thinks that people might have got the wrong impression of him.

Yes, he might have apparently smashed up a photographer’s camera, but that didn’t stop Kanye West from leaping onto his blog this morning and telling the world that actually “I’m cool with the paparazzi.” But did Kanye West himself really write that? Doubtful – the 21-word post only contained four exclamation marks. Kanye’s average exclamation mark tally for a post that size is roughly seven hundred million billion. We smell a rat.

A strange thing happened at the MTV VMAs on Sunday. Kanye West turned up and didn’t endlessly bitch about not winning everything. It was strange to witness – usually Kanye West throwing his toys out of the pram is as traditional a VMA sight as a pack of disgruntled virgins. Maybe, we thought, Kanye West had come to terms with the matter and found peace in himself.

We were wrong. Instead, Kanye West did what all graceful losers do and let the bad feelings systematically build up inside him, turning from a niggle to a grump, and from a grump to a strop, and from a strop to a rage, and from a rage to an alleged completely illegal camera-smashing meltdown in an airport. It’s happened to us all.

And that’s how Kanye West got arrested yesterday, more or less. And, given that he was filmed apparently destroying $10,000 of camera equipment and that the entire internet seems to have independently come to the logical conclusion that Kanye West is a turnip who can’t fight very well, we thought we knew what was coming next.

A bloggy rant. You see, when Kanye West is faced with any criticism at all he hops on his blog, bashes out some angry screed, tapes down the Shift and 1 keys on his laptop, goes off for half an hour, comes back and publishes whatever’s on the screen. It’s why, after he was eight hours late for a festival slot recently, Kanye West wrote the following on his blog:

PEARL JAM ENDED ONE HOUR LATE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  AT THAT POINT WE’RE RACING AGAINST THE SUN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Therefore logic dictates that, since actually getting arrested on suspicion of something you’ve been filmed doing is probably a bit worse than getting some hippies miffed, Kanye West’s first blog post on the matter would just be made up of larger and larger exclamation marks culminating in one angry red exclamation mark the size of a bus. But no. Blogging this morning, Kanye West actually wrote this:

We back in the lab!!! I’m cool with the paparazzi. This guy wasn’t cool. I gotta work now… I’ll rant later!

So that’s that. Despite all the visual evidence to the contrary, Kanye West actually likes the paparazzi. That’s good to know, because we hear that whenever the paparazzi don’t like someone, they all gang up together and follow them around flashing lights in their faces and making it hard for them to see where they’re going.

That won’t happen to Kanye West, though, because he likes the paparazzi and the paparazzi likes him straight back. Incidentally, Kanye West’s about to go on a special tour of gratitude around all the professions that he’s cool with, where he plans to kick ladders out from under window cleaners, fill all the lifeguards’ buoancy aids up with cement and punch anyone who works at an orphanage square in the face.

Allegedly.

Seriously, there were loads to choose from and they picked Oblivious Mother Lohan, the teenage Lohan girl with a voice like a laryngitis-stricken pensioner and a little Lohan son so gaspingly anonymous that he might well be a silent figment of our imagination. Basically we’re just annoyed that Living Lohan stars neither Lindsay Lohan or her father Michael Lohan.

Why? Because Lindsay Lohan and Michael Lohan have had a spectacular falling out in public, with Lindsay going on her blog to call her dad a ‘bully’ and a ‘public embarrassment’. And Lindsay Lohan knows what she’s on about – she’s something of a global expert on being embarrassing in public.

Lindsay Lohan’s parents couldn’t be more different. First there’s her mother Dina Lohan, who Lindsay Lohan likes. Dina routinely exploits Lindsay’s fame by banging on about her on a reality TV show that she’s paid to appear in. She also loves those nudey pictures of Lindsay Lohan.

And then there’s her father Michael Lohan, who Lindsay Lohan doesn’t like. Michael routinely exploits Lindsay’s fame by banging on about her to reporters for free. He also hates those nudey pictures of Lindsay Lohan. See? There’s a gigantic difference. Michael Lohan is a bastard.

No, really, he is. We read it on the internet.

Specifically, we read it on Lindsay Lohan’s blog. You see, Lindsay Lohan and Michael Lohan have a tricky history. Thanks to his imprisonment and other interests, Michael wasn’t around during much of Lindsay’s upbringing, something that resulted in Lindsay Lohan writing a song called something like but not specifically Cuh, My Dad’s A Right Old Shitclaw.

And, although Lindsay and Michael patched it up briefly last year, they’ve gone and had another barney. It all started when Michael Lohan expressed his doubts about Lindsay’s possible lesbian lover Samantha Ronson, who might be writing a book about their relationship. He said:

“I’ve shut up about this long enough. She’s using my daughter. People never even knew who Samantha Ronson was until she met Lindsay. She was just some L.A. DJ. And now she’s writing a book? I am at wit’s end with this stuff. This is not in Lindsay’s best interest.”

And that’s resulted in Lindsay Lohan jumping onto her MySpace blog to return the volley of abuse. We definitely know that Lindsay Lohan was responsible for this, because it barely makes any sense:

If you have something to say to me, say it to my face… he is yet to change- but this time, without his daughter by his side- He has become a public embaressment and a bully- To my family, my co-workers, my friends, and a girl that means the world to me (its obvious who that is)… His recent attack on my life and my loved ones is simply for an ADDICTION THAT HE HAS- FAME.

Although fantastically entertaining, this fall-out between Lindsay Lohan and her father is also tinged with a kind of deep sadness, because it looks unlikely that this exchange has reopened wounds that probably won’t ever heal.

That’s not because Michael Lohan has repeatedly abused Lindsay Lohan’s trust, or because his childhood abandonment of Lindsay is probably responsible for all the chronic attention-seeking behaviour that ultimately landed her in rehab.

No, the real reason there’ll never be closure here is because Lindsay Lohan wants Michael to say things to her face, and there’s quite a good chance that the only way that could ever happen is if he hides up inside Samantha Ronson’s vagina.

Sorry.

See, there are times when celebrities get angry at other celebrities – they usually mean a few cross words and not much else. We smirk at these times. We enjoy. We forget.

Then there are times when a celebrity unleashes a furious rant at other celebrities – and this is exactly what Roseanne Barr has gone and done, and in whose direction?

Why, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, of course. The easiest of the targets, as we all know too well.

The internet is a wonderful thing – once we would have to wait for weeks or even months to hear of the spats between two sets of people we don’t know and are unlikely to ever meet. Now, thanks to the popularity and ease of use of blogs, we get to know about even the smallest of arguments straight from the horse’s mouth.

Or Roseanne’s mouth, which – let’s be honest here – isn’t particularly horsey. More beastly.

Yes, she who was on that there Roseanne programme has gone and vented her spleen about the king and queen of celebritydom, starting out on estranged grandpappy Jon Voight but soon moving on to Brad and Angie, slating them for their adoption practices, their charity donations and their political opinions – or lack thereof.

Oh, and she’s only gone and included a passage that very much stands out as something a hecklerspray writer would be proud to unleash on the world.

On the other hand, it does make Roseanne seem utterly, utterly mad and throws the whole matter into question. If it were a reasoned and generally normal person making this post then maybe there would be more credibility behind it, but as it stands, it’s a mad old woman being a bit mad and old.

But who cares? It’s a funny rant! And it went a little something like this:

“jon voight your evil spawn angelina jolie and her vacuous hubby brad pitt make about forty million dollars a year in violent psychopathic movies and give away three of it to starving children”

Take into account this is printed verbatim, warts, lack of punctuation and all. But Rosey went on and unleashed this beaut, which has to go down as one of the finest sentences a comedian in the decline of her career has said about two top-of-their-game A listers:

“trying to look as if they give a crap about humanity as they spit out more dunces that will consume more than their fair share and wreck the earth even more. (just sayin’).”

It’s got venom, it’s got righteous fury and – best of all – it’s got a half-arsed, abbreviated semi-withdrawal at the end of it. That’s a sentence of kings, really. It demands respect while spitting out fury. But did it stop there? Did it bollocks. The ex-fake wife of John Goodman was obviously just hitting her (typing) stride:

“do you not know that the african daughter you hold in every picture had parents who suffered and died because of the republican party’s worldwide economic assault on africa over the last few decades since reagan?”

Obviously she went on even more, confusing us just as much as she made us splutter our Coco Pops all over our fancy new keyboard, but the choicest pick has to come from how she signs the post off:

“Ps….it might be good for your asian and african children’s self esteem to know you support a brown man for the leader of the free world.”

We can’t help but be conflicted about the whole thing. On one hand it’s utterly hilarious, on the other she does need to take a step back to take another look, calm herself down and probably have a nap, as she seems a bit cranky.

Either way, Roseanne Barr has amused hecklerspray for the first time in our life – marrying Tom Arnold didn’t count, that was a cheap shot – and that’s got to be worth at least something.

Read the Rest of it Here:

Roseanne’s blog

The bright orange dad made of leather, Hulk Hogan, is in some trouble for trying to hide money from his mad wife, Linda Hogan, who’s going out with someone about three decades younger than herself, while the son, Nick Hogan, sits in jail for nearly killing his best mate and the daughter, Brooke Hogan… well – she just continues to embarrass herself.

Today it’s through the wonderful means of slagging off Paris Hilton via MySpace. What an age we live in! Though we can’t help but find it annoying – we slag that bint off more or less every day, and we have a go at the Hogans and we still don’t get national news exposure.

It’s a bloody popularity contest.

Brooke, obviously not content with just being the daughter of a worldwide phenomenon (who happens to be suffering one of the all-time great falls from grace) and a failed pop starlet has come out and berated Paris Hilton for her opinions, or lack thereof, on politics.

Eagle-eyed view-o-readers may remember that Paris released a spoof campaign video some time in the last week or so, responding to a Republican campaign ad from a few days prior. Obviously this makes her something of a high brow political commentator, or something.

At least, it does in Brooke Hogan’s eyes. Her stupid, stupid eyes.

And poor little Brookey, starved for the attention she normally demands, isn’t very happy with vapid blonde morons having their two cents thrown into the ring when it comes to politics. Nor does she understand the concept of irony, it would seem Writing on her ‘popular’ blog, the Hoganette said:

“Only 54 percent of eligible american voters cast their ballots!!!!!! Half of them are only voting cause its ‘cool’ to vote for so and so…they aren’t even up to date on information,” Brooke wrote. “I’M personally not up to date on the facts, so I don’t wanna make a stupid choice for our country. I WANT to vote but only when I know exactly whats going on. More ppl should think like that. Paris Hilton said ‘yaaaay go vote cause its cool and hott!!!!’ …SHE WASN’T EVEN REGISTERED.”

Maybe it would be fine – maybe we could take this kind of thing at face value, or possibly we could just accept that this girl might actually have something of a politically-charged mind on her shoulders.

But then you do have to remember this is the same Brooke Hogan that said Hillary Clinton shouldn’t run for the US presidency as she would be too ‘emotional’ and ‘crazy’ thanks to PMS and menopause. While we won’t argue with the sentiment, she is clearly talking bum.

We would hope that Paris Hilton would form some kind of new video response to this, but surely not even she is attention-seeking enough to bother responding to a comment by a nobody? We mean, she doesn’t respond to hecklerspray, and we’re somebody.

A big, fat, smelly somebody.

There seems to be an endless stream of reports flowing out in recent months, all concerning subjects that are – not that we place ourselves as moral crusaders, but – inappropriate for the young girls they are talking about.

We’ve had the three thousand stories about 15-year-old Miley Cyrus and her penchant for getting nude and making everyone feel a bit ill, and now it’s time for Lindsay Lohan’s sister, Ali, to take the brunt of the press’ speculation about whether or not she’s had surgical enhancements.

Oh, did we mention she’s a 14-year-old girl who is barely in the public eye? The same 14-year-old girl who caused a frenzy by auditioning for [a man who used to direct] porn, in a film that was [not] porn?

Yes, she’s that one.

But fortunately this time we have an ally in the fight against all that is a bit weird in the world of the celebrity press – she who is on a quest for all that is good and right in the world, the mighty Lindsay Lohan.

If this were a year or two back, that would be a pretty daft statement to make, as Lindsay would probably be naked, upside down, coated in smack and/or booze and speaking in tongues to the legions of paparazzi around her, but not now.

Now we have what appears to be a newly lesbianised Lindsay in a stable relationship, clean and set for marriage – in fact, the last bad thing she did was offend her dad by accident.

And frankly, that’s not that bad a thing.

The newly-crowned heroine of all that is good, clean and right on the planet decided to set the world to rights through the mightiest of media powers – her MySpace page. Obviously this would normally be reserved for telling the world about her most recent car crash, drunken bust-up or non-stop nude-o-rama, but the once-amazing-now-boring 22-year-old is now using the powers of the Murdoch empire to cure the many ills of society.

Starting with her young sister’s body.

Lindsay, writing on her MySpace blog, wrote these words (and far too many exclamation marks):

“i just had to share something that came up today and it made me feel a bit sick to my stomach. so, here’s the visual…two paparazzi come up out of nowhere (like usual) and start throwing questions at me…one of them being, ‘Hey Lindsay, what do you have to say about people commenting on your sisters implants?’ WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Continuing the fight for all that is right on the planet earth, Lindsay followed her incredulity with a witty snap back at the pro-snapper, as her blog continued:

“‘Did you really just ask me that? She is a 14 year old girl, and you are a pedophile!”

See – we told you she was fighting on hecklerspray’s side.

Now we just wait on the news to come out that Ali Lohan actually has had surgery – it’s not like it’s beyond the realms of rational thought, what with Dina being involved somewhere along the lines.

Not so long ago Kanye West performed a set at the Bonnaroo music festival that didn't go so well, possibly because he kept his crowd waiting for eight hours before finally dragging himself onstage at about 4:30am. And since Kanye West is a sage so wise that he rivals all of history's greatest thinkers, he's taken to the internet to construct a well-considered explanation for the mix up.

Just kidding – Kanye West's gone batshit! Properly, 94-exclamation-marks-in-a-row batshit. All-capital batshit. Confused, badly-formed batshit that doesn't make any sense. Hecklerspray commenter batshit. We're scared.

Kanye West is a man you can't help but admire. It doesn't matter how conceited you are or how much power you have, chances are you've probably experienced self-doubt at some point in your life. Even if it happened for a millisecond while you were playing Jenga drunk in boxing gloves during an earthquake, you probably at least have some idea of what self-doubt feels like.

Not Kanye West. It's Kanye West's job to strut around like a ninny telling everyone how brilliant he is at everything. Hold an awards ceremony – even if it's a local village fete awards ceremony for especially large marrows – and you can guarantee that Kanye West will storm the stage and start bitching about how his marrows are undeniably superior to all other marrows past or future. He unironically dresses up as Jesus, for god's sake. The man's a flipping treasure.

Having said that, there are one or two people who'd disagree. Like, for instance, the entire crowd of people who went to see Kanye West's recent performance at Bonnaroo. As previously reported, Kanye West was due on stage at some point around 8:15pm, only to eventually start his set at 4:30 in the morning in front of a handful of bleary-eyed insomniacs who were only hanging about to shout "Kanye sucks!" a lot anyway.

Now, Kanye West has heard this criticism over his Bonnaroo performance, and it's hurt him. He's so hurt that he's decided to write a blog entry detailing his feelings in painful detail. In capital letters. With excessive punctuation. And he probably growled a lot as he was writing it, although that's just a guess. 

The full blog entry is too mind-bogglingly long to publish here in full, and also there's a good chance that it'll destroy your brain forever if you were to try reading it all in one go, so here's a few (genuine) choice snippets:

This Bonnaroo thing is the worst insult I've ever had in my life. This is the most offended I've ever been… this is the maddest I ever will be.  I'm typing so fucking hard I might break my fucking Mac book Air!!!!!!!!

JUST SAY THIS OUT LOUD IN  A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE, "KANYE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT GIVING A GOOD PERFORMANCE."  CAN ANYONE HONESTLY SAY THAT ?????????

PEARL JAM ENDED ONE HOUR LATE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  AT THAT POINT WE'RE RACING AGAINST THE SUN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The main thrust of Kanye West's argument seems to be that, since his tour is named Glow In The Dark, it should be dark when he performs. At 8:15 when he was scheduled to go onstage it wasn't dark, so Kanye shifted his set to around 2am. But then it took longer than expected to set up his preposterously overblown set, by which time it was 4:30am and getting light again.

It's not Kanye West's fault that his Bonnaroo set went down like a lead balloon, you see, it's night's fault for not being long enough. We await night's apology with bated breath.

Incidentally, this cock-up has already inspired Kanye West's next tour concept – he's going to call it the Shouting In Front Of Several Tired And Disgruntled Hippies tour. It just seems like it'd be a better fit.

Read more:

Untitled – Kanye West

Oh, and you get to be complete and total prannocks about seemingly everything involving the internet, yet still somehow manage to maintain the credibility that would clearly be destroyed if you were any other musical act in the world. Things, they are strange.

For this time Metallica have decided that allowing people they have invited to listen to their new music to review it would be something of a cardinal sin. Possibly on a par with the holocaust, but we’re still waiting for a quote on that one.

It all began a few days ago when the band invited a number of music journalists to hear their new material, somewhere in London. These critics gorged their aural senses with the gravelly-voiced delights of James Hetfield and co. and returned to their respective abodes, fresh in the knowledge that they could freely impart their newfound wisdom to the fans of the world.

Unfortunately, these journos seemed to forget that to satiate the hunger of these waiting Metallica fans they would have to use the tool most hated by the band: the internet. In using this evil device – which was probably crafted by Satan no less – the information pertaining to the new album was uploaded onto a few blogs.

Good God, what were they thinking?!

It didn’t take too long for Metallica to get wind of this though, and soon enough they were out bullying the sites where reviews were hosted, forcing them to withdraw the offending articles.

Just as with the horror that was Napster and its ridiculous idea of a future where digital distribution could thrive, the tiny, underprivileged band managed to safeguard their music and their reputation once more.

So thank you, Metallica. Thank you for being so utterly, completely and totally insane. Thank you for hating technology, discouraging innovation and stamping down on all those far smaller than you. It makes us feel all warm and fuzzy inside to know that you’re still a bunch of tossers.

Who had bets on Lily Allen for this week? Odds were vastly in favor of another Amy Winehouse meltdown, but when Lily Allen showed up at the Glamour Magazine awards with bright pink hair and that glistening, boozy glow, she quickly became the hammered, career plummeting favourite.

And sure not to disappoint, we can all enjoy Lily Allen’s victory speech, also known as the morning after regretful blog entry.

Lily Allen’s appearance at the Glamour Magazine Awards in London earlier this week confirmed that if anything is constant in this world, it’s that celebrities will continued to get hammered in public and have to be carried off by some burly bodyguard, or something.

Lily Allen arrived at the awards with hot pink hair and accepted a special award from the editor for her ‘multi-faceted’ career.

So, according to the editor of Glamour magazine, the many facets of Lily Allen’s career that merit awarding are a crap TV show, being pregnant, not being allowed into America even though the words on the Statue of Liberty say they’ll take all the people no one else wants, not being pregnant anymore, and belting out a song here and there.

Sometime after accepting her award for having lots of facets and stuff, Lily Allen had to be carried out of the party after having a few too many drinks. It’s okay, though. She’s real sorry about it. Honest, you can officially read about it on her official MySpace blog. She officially writes:

“… I’m putting my hands up, I got very drunk last night, too drunk. It’s not cool getting that drunk. Kids, drink responsibly or you’ll end up looking like this, not pretty!”

That’s right, kids. You drink too much and you’ll end up looking like Lily Allen. Maybe Lily Allen’s parents drank too much and that’s how Lily Allen ended up looking like Lily Allen. Yikes. That’s enough to frighten anyone into sobriety.