Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Punchdrunk or Lovesick?
Folded
Creased
The lazy among you will still be dismissing Lady GaGa as a bad Madonna rip-off (God! Imagine that! A popstar being influenced by another artist!) or as an attention-seeking shill (God! Imagine that! A popstar who is needy for attention!), you’re all missing the best jokes like – she’s about 3ft tall and she’s the most typical lapsed Catholic in the world.
Either way, she’s fun to have around because Christ knows we’ve needed a weird pop sensation in our dreary, dreary lives.
And, for those who are fans, you’ll be thrilled to learn that you’ll soon be able to hear new material from the Bad Romancer, as a new song will feature in the Mugler Menswear show. Yay! We don’t know what Mugler Menswear is!
OK, we were wrong. Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson haven’t split up – they’re just so miserable that they look like they should split up.
Outraged by all the Sam Ronson split talk, Lindsay Lohan has told the world via her MySpace blog that she and Sam absolutely haven’t split up – which we think is code for ‘let’s give it a fortnight, eh?’
Still, though, they’re still together and that’s good. Now if you feel something clawing wildly at your skin at night you’ll know it’s either a murderer or a feral raccoon, and not Lindsay Lohan trying to get her rocks off. Phew.
Are you generally considered clean?
Do you enjoy the smell of peroxide? Do you ever float Indian style in your kitchen while that one nice black lady delivers a monologue about shiny floors? Are you pretty good at getting 14-year-old bloodstains off of mostly ceilings but probably a little bit off of the upper walls? Would grunge have appealed to you more if it had a heavier emphasis on germ-free personal living quarters?
If so, you should definitely put all of that down on a resume – because Courtney Love may really think about employing you. She said as much on her MySpace account, the venue she’s using to apparently hire a maid.
Airports make people tetchy, which explains Bjork’s Thailand tantrum, Elton John’s Taiwan tantrum and the inexplicable existence of Jeremy Spake.
It also explains Kanye West‘s ridiculous little outburst at the paparazzi in LAX yesterday, where he pulled his hood up over his head, swung his arms about like a girl and got arrested on suspicion of vandalism and battery as a result. But now that the heat of the moment has passed, Kanye West thinks that people might have got the wrong impression of him.
Yes, he might have apparently smashed up a photographer’s camera, but that didn’t stop Kanye West from leaping onto his blog this morning and telling the world that actually “I’m cool with the paparazzi.” But did Kanye West himself really write that? Doubtful – the 21-word post only contained four exclamation marks. Kanye’s average exclamation mark tally for a post that size is roughly seven hundred million billion. We smell a rat.
We might be alone on this one, but does anyone else think that they picked the wrong members of the Lohan family for Living Lohan?
Seriously, there were loads to choose from and they picked Oblivious Mother Lohan, the teenage Lohan girl with a voice like a laryngitis-stricken pensioner and a little Lohan son so gaspingly anonymous that he might well be a silent figment of our imagination. Basically we’re just annoyed that Living Lohan stars neither Lindsay Lohan or her father Michael Lohan.
Why? Because Lindsay Lohan and Michael Lohan have had a spectacular falling out in public, with Lindsay going on her blog to call her dad a ‘bully’ and a ‘public embarrassment’. And Lindsay Lohan knows what she’s on about – she’s something of a global expert on being embarrassing in public.
Roseanne Barr isn’t really known for being particularly funny, but this time she’s managed to make us all laugh.
See, there are times when celebrities get angry at other celebrities – they usually mean a few cross words and not much else. We smirk at these times. We enjoy. We forget.
Then there are times when a celebrity unleashes a furious rant at other celebrities – and this is exactly what Roseanne Barr has gone and done, and in whose direction?
Why, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, of course. The easiest of the targets, as we all know too well.
Being a member of the Hogan family would be great, if it weren’t for the fact that right now it would be rubbish.
The bright orange dad made of leather, Hulk Hogan, is in some trouble for trying to hide money from his mad wife, Linda Hogan, who’s going out with someone about three decades younger than herself, while the son, Nick Hogan, sits in jail for nearly killing his best mate and the daughter, Brooke Hogan… well – she just continues to embarrass herself.
Today it’s through the wonderful means of slagging off Paris Hilton via MySpace. What an age we live in! Though we can’t help but find it annoying – we slag that bint off more or less every day, and we have a go at the Hogans and we still don’t get national news exposure.
It’s a bloody popularity contest.
Another day, another pile of near-paedophillic crap comes spewing our way – it’s Ali Lohan’s turn again today.
There seems to be an endless stream of reports flowing out in recent months, all concerning subjects that are – not that we place ourselves as moral crusaders, but – inappropriate for the young girls they are talking about.
We’ve had the three thousand stories about 15-year-old Miley Cyrus and her penchant for getting nude and making everyone feel a bit ill, and now it’s time for Lindsay Lohan‘s sister, Ali, to take the brunt of the press’ speculation about whether or not she’s had surgical enhancements.
Oh, did we mention she’s a 14-year-old girl who is barely in the public eye? The same 14-year-old girl who caused a frenzy by auditioning for [a man who used to direct] porn, in a film that was [not] porn?
Yes, she’s that one.
Kanye West's stock in trade is furious, barely-legible indignation about people not realising that he's the greatest human in history, but he's outdone himself this time.
Not so long ago Kanye West performed a set at the Bonnaroo music festival that didn't go so well, possibly because he kept his crowd waiting for eight hours before finally dragging himself onstage at about 4:30am. And since Kanye West is a sage so wise that he rivals all of history's greatest thinkers, he's taken to the internet to construct a well-considered explanation for the mix up.
Just kidding – Kanye West's gone batshit! Properly, 94-exclamation-marks-in-a-row batshit. All-capital batshit. Confused, badly-formed batshit that doesn't make any sense. Hecklerspray commenter batshit. We're scared.
