Glenn Beck may be going blind. Isn’t that sad? Maybe he actually cried all the fluid out of his eye-sockets, leaving him with two rattling pork scratchings in his skull? Maybe he just plays with himself too frequently?

Beck, who you have no doubt seen going slowly postal on Fox News (or indeed, being lampooned on other programmes) could gradually lose his eyesight and he’s already admitted that he’s “too darn lazy to learn Braille.” That’s okay Glenn! Don’t worry yourself unduly! You make stuff up in your round little head all the time… you don’t need your eyes for that (although, you’ll now have to feel some faces before you can decide whether they’re evil terrorists, rather than just spy a turban and call it off the cuff).

In an announcement, Beck said:

“Yes, I have a problem with my eyes. A couple of weeks ago, I went to the doctor because I can’t focus my eyes … So I went to the best doctor I could find … he did all kinds of tests, and he said I have macular dystrophy.”

Don’t confuse that with muscular dystrophy. That’s a completely different thing altogether. Basically, the thing Beck has got affects a tiny portion of the retina which will mean that he’ll have difficulty reading print and identifying faces, blurred vision and it’ll be hard to focus. Alas, it does have the potential to cause blindness.

Glenn Beck haters will be thrilled to know that there’s no known cure for macular dystrophy and, no doubt, with Obama’s health care reforms, he’ll get treated by a dirty commie who will put fluoride in his water and brain-wash him into being a spy.

And what does Beck think of it all?

“I plan on dealing with it with a smile and dignity, and quite honestly, at least I’ll be able to get away with a blind joke from time to time.”

Now, let’s watch a video of Glenn Beck going mental and say really, really dumb things.

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There’s no end to Michael Jackson’s talents – he can sing, dance, act and transform into a giant plasticine rabbit to elude his fans.

But there’s one thing that Michael Jackson can’t do particularly well at the moment, and that’s breathe. According to one of his biographers, Michael Jackson suffers from a potentially fatal lung disorder that requires an emergency transplant before it kills or blinds him.

Hopefully that’s not true because, if he has his lungs replaced, the only parts of Michael Jackson to actually belong to Michael Jackson will be three strands of armpit hair and a fragment of toenail.

Ever since he was acquitted of child abuse, we’ve been inundated with stories about Michael Jackson’s comeback, but they’ve never materialised. The charity singles have never been made, the O2 residency never happened, nor did the Las Vegas revue, the Jackson 5 reunion, the collaboration with 50 Cent or the album of duets with the dead Pope.

And all the while Michael’s financial woes piled up against him until he lost his beloved Neverland and got sued silly by an angry sheikh. The sensible thing for Michael Jackson to do to recoup his losses would have been to either release a new album or go on tour to bang out the old hits to hundreds of thousands of adoring fans. But he never did. And now it looks like we know why.

According to some reports, Michael Jackson’s extended period of inactivity isn’t down to stagefright or the unshakable sense that, three bars into Smooth Criminal, someone’s going to chuck a bottle of piss at him and call him a nonce – it’s all because of that pesky Alpha-1 antitrypsin deficiency – a genetic lung disorder that might very well kill him if he isn’t given a transplant as soon as possible.

That’s the claim by Michael Jackson biographer Ian Halperin, anyway, who also insists that Michael Jackson can barely speak and has lost 95% of his vision in his left eye. OK! reports:

Halperin claims his lung condition has become more acute. The writer added: “He has had Alpha-1 antitrypsin deficiency for years but it’s gotten worse. He needs a lung transplant but may be too weak to go through with it. He also has emphysema and chronic gastrointestinal bleeding, which his doctors have had a lot of trouble stopping. It’s the bleeding that’s the most problematic part. It could kill him.”

If these claims hold any water, then it’s a horrible irony – the very thing that has earnt Michael Jackson his fortune over the last 40 years is being taken away from him by his own genes. Why did it have to be the one thing he was good at? Why couldn’t he have developed a degenerative protein deficiency on a part of his body that he didn’t need, like his hair or whichever part of his brain it is that makes him act so funny around kids? Why?

Still, though, let’s hope that Michael Jackson can get this lung transplant if that’s what will save his life. God knows his children are going to be messed up enough as it is without a dead dad to worry about.

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Being blind must be horrible – as well as being constantly vulnerable, you’d never be able to experience the delight of 2 Girls 1 Cup.

What’s more, people think they can make movies about you and just get away with it. Well they can’t. The National Federation Of The Blind in America is planning to protest the release of new movie Blindness because of what it claims is its unfair portrayal of the blind.

Upset by these accusations, Miramax – the studio behind Blindness – has agreed to make some changes to the movie prior to its release. Unfortunately for the blind, these changes include the insertion of a 10-minute sequence featuring the legend ‘ALL BLIND PEOPLE ARE RUBBISH’ and the entire cast of Blindness all dancing around silently, pulling spaz faces and getting their bums out.

It’s never easy when groups you belong to are vilified in the movies. When the Jodie Foster movie Flight Plan was released it got no end of abuse from flight attendants, all furious that the movie had portrayed them in an inaccurate way.

And who can forget that time when the release of Silence Of The Lambs was met with protests by groups of psychologically-damaged transsexual murderers intent on making suits out of their victims’ skin? Talk about an unfair depiction!

And now the latest group to get its knickers in a twist over how they’re being represented by Hollywood is America’s National Federation Of The Blind. It’s angry at the forthcoming Julianne Moore movie Blindness, because it uses the concept of blindness as a Nobel Prize-winning metaphor for society’s lack of communication and the indomitable nature of the human spirit in the face of seemingly insurmountable vicissitudes. The wankers.

Marc Maurer, president of the NFB, told BBC News:

“The movie portrays blind people as monsters and I believe it to be a lie. The NFB condemns and deplores this film, which will do substantial harm to the blind of America and the world… Blind people in this film are portrayed as incompetent, filthy, vicious, and depraved. They are unable to do even the simplest things like dressing, bathing, and finding the bathroom.”

Marc Maurer only believes it to be a lie that blind people are monsters? Because, you know, we were hoping he’d be a little bit more certain about that. We believe that bumblebees carry guns, but it doesn’t neccesarily mean it’s true. Is he saying that blind people really are monsters, then? Because if they are, that’s the last time we give our seat up for one of them on the bus. Blind people can piss off if they’re monsters.

Anyway, so upset are the blind about being used as a literary device for spiritual pain thay they plan to mobilise as many protesters as possible at 75 cinemas across America when Blindness is released. That’ll be a nightmare. Think of all the dogshit.

Actually, we can understand the National Federation Of The Blind’s concern over Blindness. After all, they have a vested interest in all movies about the lack of visual perception and, even though it might not be directly about them, Blindness does give them a forum to discuss issues that affect them on a day to day basis in public.

Plus Blindness is a Julianne Moore film, so you’re almost guaranteed to see minge at one point or another, and the blind are probably pissed off about missing out as well.

Anyway, we’ve found the perfect solution to this problem that should leave everyone happy. Change the D in the title to a G. Bingo! Blingness – a movie about how wearing lots of jewellery is a metaphor for society’s lack of communication and the indomitable nature of the human spirit in the face of seemingly insurmountable vicissitudes. Nobody would complain about that, would they? Well, apart from rappers, obviously. But they seem like a nice enough bunch.