When conducting an interview with Leona Lewis, it is best to set a tape recorder running because, should you fall asleep with tedium (an absolutely certainty), you’ll still get a document of the words she says.

Alas, the problem is, is that, when you listen to those same words back, you’ll fall into a coma all over again, leaving you with a predicament. hecklerspray tends to rig a car battery to the soft, delicate skin of the genital area to keep us from wholly passing-out.

And yet, despite this, Leona Lewis has the audacity to suggest that she isn’t boring at all. She’s not boring, because she says she isn’t boring. Not because she actually wants to tell us of the non-boring things she indulges in. She won’t even talk about her curdling hatred of cats.

See, Leona is tired of being called ‘boring’ by people like us.

She knows that she’s quieter (not when she’s booming out some gut-spasming ballad, again) and less risque than pop stars like Lady GaGa, Rihanna and Daniel O’Donnell… hell… she probably knows that she’s less risque than a single, lonely glove, curling around around a fence post in the rain.

However, she thinks she has other things to offer to fans of her music.

“I don’t care what anyone says. I’m not boring. Unless you know me, I don’t really care about your opinions. I couldn’t care less.”

“Lady Gaga does her crazy thing and she is great. I definitely have something different to offer. I’m all about the music and songs.”

Get that? She’s all about the music and the songs. So has she got some of the greatest songwriters in the universe to pen hits for her?

Step forward Ne-Yo and Jessie J.

Jesus. What a boring, boring bore she izzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

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Oh look! It’s Valentine’s Day which means one of two things: If you happen to be single and lonely like us, you’ll be spending the day furiously masturbating whilst eating a fist full of chocolate, all in the name of creating a fake romantic setting. For the loved up, couples everywhere will be bankrupting themselves as they spent money on tacky gifts like stuffed bears that hilariously say, “I WUV U.”

If you’re a bloke and manage to get your special lady more than just a bunch of flowers for the garage that end up smelling of diesel rather than nectar, what can you expect back? Sex! Well, that’s what usually happens with folk who are all loved up.

But how to set the mood? A meal that isn’t microwaved? Candle light? Rose petals scattered everywhere? If you’re a traditionalist yes, but now Leona Lewis can help improve the setting.

Don’t worry, she isn’t launching a vibrator with her horsey face etched on to the tip or launching a brand of condoms like JLS.

Leona Lewis can officially take the title of the “most played love song.” So, when raiding your CD or vinyl collection for a song to play during your three minutes of shagging, don’t put Sexual Healing on, rather, play Bleeding Love as it will definitely make any sexual act a billion times more romantic and that includes the swapping of STI’s.

Now we know what you’re thinking how can a song called Bleeding Love be given such an honour? After all, the song is essentially about periods. We only thought that someone with an extreme fetish involving blood would find that vaguely arousing. But no, this poll wasn’t picked by the public, but by an organisation called the PPL. The Press Association reports:

“Her 2007 single Bleeding Love tops a list of recordings played in public, including radio and shops, featuring the word love in the title. Figures released by airplay royalties’ body PPL show that one in 15 songs given a public airing has a name featuring “love” or variations.”

Let’s dissect this a little shall we?

Basically any song with the word love in the title stood a potential chance of being included on this list. That’s great, but we all know that the other people making up the list weren’t given a helping hand by karaoke competition X-Factor; all mastered by evil musical puppeteer Simon Cowell. As soon as she won the show, the song flooded TV & radio, forcing everyone to listen to her squeal about monthly cycle.

Other rubbish songs on the list include The Feeling’s 2006 song Love It When You Call. Spiller and Sophie Ellis Bextor’s single Groovejet (If This Ain’t Love) ranking third in the list.

Basically, it’s the second popularity contest she’s won really. On X-Factor Leona Lewis was crowned the winner for having all the charm, charisma and personality of a mushed-up paper bag. Being played the most on the TV/radio pretty much means that you should reward the person who gets the hashtag #cake trending on Twitter. Go on do that today, just to see if we make it popular enough to confuse everyone.

We’re sad that a decent love song didn’t get to number one in the list. Ape man Richard Keys has also angered us. He’s failed to see Valentine’s Day as a chance to release to his own romantic card with the heart warming message, “I’d Like To Smash You.”

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Top that, crying bad-haired Scottish boy whose name we can't even remember – Leona Lewis, who won X Factor before you is number one in America.

Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis is number one in the American singles chart, proving that not even global superpowers are immune to personality-free girls doing generally passable Whitney Houston impressions.

It's worth pointing out, though, that Leona Lewis is the first British female to get a US number one single since Kim Wilde in 1987. And if Leona Lewis keeps her head down and work hard, maybe she'll reach the same dizzying heights. That's right, the TV gardener/ health food commercial actor/ novelty Christmas single with the fat one from Smith & Jones combo is now well and truly within her grasp.

Of all the megastars that X Factor has ever produced – like Chico and, um, that crying Scottish boy we just mentioned and Emily the scarily violent schoolgirl – none have been bigger or more successful than Leona Lewis. Right from her first appearance on X Factor, it was a certainty that Leona Lewis would win – she had it all.

OK, not quite 'it all' as such – try and talk to Leona and all you'll get back is a tumble of meaningless robotic statements about how grateful she is and what and honour everything is and how she's wanted to sing since she was a little girl – but Leona Lewis was able to sing a bit like Whitney Houston and looked decent in pretty dresses, which is usually enough to win these things anyway.

And now Leona Lewis has surpassed all expectations after an appearance on Oprah helped push her single Bleeding Love to a coveted American number one spot. The Independent reports:

Yesterday Lewis's single shot to No 1 in the Billboard Hot 100, knocking Usher from pole position – the first British woman to top the US singles charts since Kim Wilde in 1987 with her cover of The Supremes' "You Keep Me Hangin' On"… Despite finding her music "very safe" and "overwhelmingly mainstream", the Billboard contributor Paul Sexton agrees that Lewis has undoubtedly hit the big time. "There's no denying she's a big star now," he said. "Getting to No 1 in America is a very big endorsement, whatever you think of her music."

What's all the more shocking is the chiming endorsement that Oprah Winfrey gave Leona Lewis when she appeared on her show: "Wow, wow, wow… Talk about a star is born. You're the real deal, girl," she told Leona on air – marking the first time in history that Oprah Winfrey has ever got excitable about anything on TV, with the sole exception of everything else she's ever encountered.

And Leona Lewis' success in America has meant that she's leapfrogged Amy Winehouse, who is yet to score herself a US number one despite all the attention she's got there. However, Amy Winehouse can win Grammys and Leona Lewis can't even win a Brit, so if Leona wants to start winning the critics over she should probably start huffing crack on videotape and cutting herself. Just a thought.

Read more:

The Oprah Effect: America's next big thing – The Independent 

The 2007 Christmas number one is just days away from being revealed, and if the anticipation was any higher then it'd probably blow up and kill the bloody lot of us.

Oh, who are we kidding? The Christmas number one is going to be flipping Leon Jackson from X Factor and his special song about believing in fairies or whatever, and that's pretty much guaranteed already. But who'll be the Christmas number one not including that travesty? Now you're interested, huh? Huh? Oh, please yourselves.

Here are the Christmas number one betting odds for Malcolm Middleton, Leona Lewis and Katie Melua & Eva Cassidy, with help from Paddy Power…

Malcolm Middleton, We're All Going To Die

Yes, Malcolm Middleton of Arab Strap and Former Boyfriend Of TV And Radio's Lauren Laverne fame has got a Christmas record out. And, by jiggery, if it isn't one of the front-runners to become this year's Christmas number one. It certainly deserves to be, if not for the perverse kick of knowing that a song with the – actually absurdly catchy – chorus of "you're going to die, you're going to die, you're gonna die alone" beat Chuffing Leon to Christmas number one, then for the brilliant video. We're All Going To Die doesn't stand a chance of topping the charts on Sunday, obviously, but just imagine what'd happen if it did – Malcolm Middleton impersonators on Stars In Their Eyes. Go and buy it now, just for that. Current Christmas Number One betting odds – 8/1  

Leona Lewis, Bleeding Love

Now, we don't know who this Leona Lewis woman is, or how her Bleeding Love song goes, but we've heard that it's basically a lo-fi version of We're All Going To Die by Malcolm Middleton. Oh, not really – Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis has been number one for about a million years already despite the fact that it's basically a Whitney Houston rip-off about self-harm sung by a woman with all the personality of a soggy envelope. But can Bleeding Love become the Christmas number one? Hardly – two months after it was released, surely everyone with even a passing interest in blasted-out powerballads already owns a copy of Bleeding Love by now, so there can't be anyone left to actually buy the bloody thing. Surely. Please. If we hear it one more time we swear we're going to shit down our leg. Current Christmas number one betting odds – 4/1 

Katie Melua with Eva Cassidy, What A Wonderful World

People, this is a warning. Someone somewhere has thought "You know what I'd like to hear? A duet between Eva Cassidy and Katie Melua. Singing a watery version of an overplayed song too, please." We don't know about you, but it scares us that people can be capable of such inhumane cruelty. And yet What A Wonderful World by Eva Cassidy and Katie Melua is the current favourite non-X Factor song to become Christmas number one. But it's horrible – an exact negative of We're All Going To Die. Instead of being a happy song about death, it's a song about life that sounds like carbon monoxide suffocation. If you see anyone buying this record, do your duty and give them a dead arm. It's what baby Jesus would have wanted. Current Christmas number one betting odds – 4/6 

Tomorrow – Strictly Come Dancing final betting odds. But if that's too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Christmas number one betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.