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5 Reasons Why The Jackson Family Are Batshit Insane

August 13th, 2012 By Chris Starr

Celebritydom is fucked up. You spend all of your life yearning to be noticed and admired, only to be thrust into the spotlight with nary a gym sock to cover your knackers and a baying crowd of paparazzi waiting to photograph the moment your member goes limp and your covering falls off. No wonder some people get messed up by the experience.

But of all the sad tales of stardom, there is little more depressing than the tale of the Jackson family. A nice, innocent family from Indiana, they suddenly got all Lord of the Flies as soon as the Hollywood spotlight was shone on them. When Wikipedia – which is known for its dry, impartisan style – says that “Members of the Jackson family have been the subject of heavily publicized controversies and legal imbroglios, most notably allegations of child abuse against Michael in 1993, his criminal trial in 2005, and Janet’s controversial Super Bowl halftime performance in 2004“, you know that your family is a little messed up.

Michael Jackson’s Son Lets Family Down By Showing Pre-Court Nerves

September 27th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

The Jackson family are born performers aren’t they? Those that numbered up the Jackson 5 all loved the limelight and, in later years, so did Papa Joe with that belt-brandishing look in his eye and, of course, world-weary mother Katherine.

We also got LaToya and Janet thrown in for free too, which is nice. Not to mention the champion hurdler Colin and Hobbit botherer, Peter.

What a family! However, Michael Jackson’s son is not like the rest of his clan. He’s ‘nervous’ about testifying in the trial related to his dad’s death.

Michael Jackson Baby Dangling Sculpture Unveiled In London

April 11th, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

Michael Jackson truly was a man who kept on giving. Note the past tense: he isn't alive and living on a secret island alongside Princess Diana, 2Pac and Snoopy. However, enough people tell us that Michael Jackson will be coming back in 2057 with robotic facial surgery that gives him scorpion-like stinging powers.

We've already slipped on our sparkly glove in anticipation of this moment.

Let this not overshadow the achievements of a man that supposedly gave so much money to charity that it ruined him to the extent of needing an umbrella to protect himself from the sun and a wheelchair for basic mobility. Dr. Conrad Murray was employed to provide the singer with magical potions and drugs to keep him alive and give the impression he wasn?t stuck together with tape and staples following countless bouts of botched surgery. Countless speculations about his health overtook his once glorious music career and he's now remembered more for his wacko antics than singing, such as his baby waving incident.

Joe Jackson Enslaves His Dancing Orphan Grandkids Or Whatever

July 14th, 2009 By Shawn Lindseth

As far as we can tell the only good thing to come out of Michael Jackson’s death is that he could now remake the zombie part of his Thriller video with a much smaller portion of budget allotted to the makeup department.

The choreography might be a touch less fluid, but still. In that context this whole unfortunate death thing is a Hollywood financier’s dream.

Joe Jackson, allegedly, thinks some other lemonade can be made from the whole mess. He’s trying hard to convince MJ’s three kids to take to the stage in a worldwide tour sort of way.