Even we don’t have to go in to much detail about the potential arse-up that this could bring to the innocent people of London. Granted, there are a few cockney people like the So Solid Crew and Danny Dyer who we’d like to exterminate but that’s another kettle of onions.

We have our own plans for those individuals and don’t want Amy Winehouse to jump in and spoil our fun.

Unless you only read The Financial Times and have only stumbled upon hecklerspray through mistyping something in to Google, you won’t know who Amy Winehouse is.

In a nutshell, she’s a girl with tattoos who sings songs by other people, has her Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake locked up in prison and occasionally dabbles in drugs. Actually, the term “hunting down every dealer in London to eat up their stash of pills and powders quicker then a bear hunts down salmon” comes to mind.

So how is she getting this potential gig? Let us explain.

During the billion previous times that Amy falls over and starts dribbling up pink liquid with chunks all over herself, it’s up to her father Mitch to tell the media all about it. Was it heroin, lighter fuel, crack or some twat spiking her with ecstasy that caused this latest set back or trip to the hospital?

Whatever the case, you can rely on him – kind of like the world’s worst superhero, to deliver the news.

Obviously not immune to publicity thanks to all the speeches he’s had to give on his moronic daughter’s health, he has been offered a co-host job on BBC Radio London whilst another professional twat Danny Baker buggers off for a caravan holiday.

Frankly, we weren’t amazed to learn that he was offered the job after being a guest so many times on the show. There are other reasons, which were probably that he was a) a cheap replacement, b) someone to give live updates on Amy’s health and most likely, c) a fill in while the producers go about exploiting Barry George for airtime.

Despite being literally told to bugger off from recording studios, taking drugs or touring Amy couldn’t contain her excitement about being in our faces again. A source told Heat:

“Amy has always been nifty with the advice. Although she often gets herself into pickles, she is very honest, very caring and very perceptive when it comes to dealing with other people’s problems.”

Erm…if she’s that good then we’d like to ask a few questions on her current well-being. It’s not exactly what we’d call peachy. Skeletor-like figures and the inability to walk straight isn’t exactly the look we want to see in an agony aunt-authority.

But could you imagine the sort of advice you’d get on one of her radio spots?

Caller – “Hi, I have this small pain in my arm – what should I do about it?”

Amy – “First I’d ring Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake. If he didn’t answer I’d neck a bottle of painkillers to numb the pain. If that didn’t work, I’d down about half a bottle of vodka and see the GP in the morning.”

Nothing about Amy Winehouse causes us to bat an eyelid anymore. Like an old, crippled drunk in a pub we can say “we’ve heard all the tales.” When she releases a make believe autobiography telling her story of sharing an underground prison with an elf and a talking jar of strawberry jam caused from a drug hallucination – then we’ll get curious.

To be fair, anyone can get on the radio and offer advice to messed up kids and confused adults. Kelly Osbourne manages to scrape through the Sunday Surgery on Radio One most weeks. And she used to be addicted to drugs and booze too, so with Amy on the radio, she wouldn’t really be the first.

At the moment, drug stories are a bit boring. Well apart from the one Heath Ledger and Mary-Kate Olsen.

It wasn’t because she finally realised she was slowly destroying her insides, it was simply down to having a crazy reaction to the medication slowly digesting in her stomach.

Many people have placed bets on her dying before the end of the year due to her body slowly fading away and her apparent ability to always be pictured with a ciggie and a can of Superbrew.

Yesterday saw a couple of people prematurely attempting to cash in that betting slip, but they were wrong to do so – those good people at the NHS managed to fix her up with some sticky tape and drinks straws.

It’s now surfaced that she’s returned to hospital and her ever-suffering father Mitch has told us what caused her freakout. It was indeed an issue with drugs, but not the good kind. Oh no!

Mitch claims that Amy’s drink had been spiked with ecstasy, causing the young crooner to react violently. It has to be said, hecklerspray loves hearing that excuse from pretty much every person who is sick after a weekends drinking (why do you think Stu is off?). Of course the seventeen pints of lager and no food didn’t make you sick. It was a little white tablet that made you look the village idiot. Again.

But did an ecstasy tablet really cause Amy Winehouse to go in to relapse and bring her a bit closer to death? We all have to remember that she eats drugs like Smarties and drinks heroin like Ribena, so surely this wouldn’t have bothered her? If anything, her body was rejecting the drug because it wasn’t up to the usual standard of getting her wasted and reducing her to walking around in her pants.

Normally when Winehouse does get off her tits on pills, crack, heroin or anything else she can wrap her lips around, she starts screeching for dear hubby Blake. It will probably turn out that this time her harpyish screams have been curbed by Blake appearing in her dreams, telling her to battle on. Or something like that. She’s sure to make up some crap, so long as it isn’t straightforward or normal.

A source told the pack of journalists permanently outside Amy Winehouse’s (wine)house:

“Mitch is furious. He’s certain someone put E in Amy’s drink – and he’s determined to get to the bottom of it. He is convinced that one of her hangers-on was responsible and he’s waiting for a toxicology report to show what caused her to have a fit.”

This is just another story in the long line of drug related problems for Winehouse. For her it’s just becoming more like real life, and if anything we want to see another celebrity from the world of music flip out like a crazy fool on drugs. Remember the moon face man from Keane? He tripped off his man tits on the old white powder, apparently, but still managed to remain totally dull.

We hope Dougie from McFly is a secret glue sniffer, or at least a fan of poppers. He’s in a band, so they must have done something extreme apart from give their album away in the Sunday Mail. Or is that classed as hard for them?

But now she needs to worry no more, because the police have officially decided to take no further action with Amy Winehouse over her supposed role in her husband's GBH/ perverting the course of justice trial.

Finally Amy Winehouse can relax – and this means she can now hoof down as much crack as she likes without fear of being sent to jail and experiencing any upsetting periods of cold turkey in there. That Amy Winehouse, eh? What a bloody hero.

Amy Winehouse's husband Blake Fielder-Civil is in jail at the moment. That might come as a bit of a shock to you, we know, because news of his incarceration has been strictly limited to every single word in every single newspaper published for the last six months and the way that Amy Winehouse can't even get through a solitary verse of any of her songs without shouting "My Blakey!" like an overzealous On The Buses fan with a funny haircut.

Blake Fielder-Civil is in jail over claims that he beat up a pub landlord so badly that the landlord needed a metal place inserted into his face and then offered him £200,000 to leave the country and change his story. But wait! Blake Fielder-Civil? £200,000? Blake Civil-Fielder?

It doesn't take a genius to look at Blake Civil-Fielder, all tatty hat and his sallow unwashed skin, and work out that he probably doesn't have £200,000. His wife, though, is Amy Winehouse – the five-time Grammy-winning performer of the biggest-selling album of last year. Maybe – just maybe – Blake got that justice-perverting money from Amy.

That's what the Metropolitan Police must have thought when it arrested Amy Winehouse on suspicion of perverting the course of justice a week before Christmas. But, although she was partly cleared of the charge last month, Amy Winehouse has now been completely cleared, as BBC News reports:

Amy Winehouse faces no further action in connection with her husband's alleged attempt to pervert the course of justice, police have said… The singer was questioned by police in December before being released on police bail to return for further questioning at a later date. But on Friday Scotland Yard confirmed that she was no longer required to do so. A spokesman for the singer said: "Amy is pleased to be discounted from the investigation and thanks the police for their professionalism in their dealings with her."

That'll no doubt be a weight off Amy Winehouse's mind – now all she has to deal with is her debilitating drug habit, continuing alleged issues with self-harm, inability to perform in public without sounding like a cat in a mincer and every single other aspect of her life whatsoever and she'll be completely back to normal.

But she's not out of the woods yet. Blake Fielder Civil today pleaded not guilty to his charges and will remain in custody until at least April. And that means Amy Winehouse will have to free up some time in her schedule to turn up to court hammered again. It's just a bit of a niggle, logistically.

Read more:

Winehouse will not face charges – BBC 

Although Amy Winehouse was arrested on suspicion of perverting the course of justice last month – in connection with her husband's alleged plan to buy the silence of a barman who he attacked – it now looks like all charges against her will be dropped. That's wonderful news for Amy Winehouse, who can now put this horrible incident behind her and get on with some of her much-missed hobbies – for instance, Amy sorely needs to catch up on her wandering around London in her bra at midnight looking as if she doesn't really understand what's going on. Maybe she'll even renew her subscription to Wandering Around London In Your Bra At Midnight Looking As If You Don't Really Understand What's Going On magazine.

Amy Winehouse's last few months have been relentlessly gloomy, what with all the drug overdoses and the cancelled concerts and the booing crowds and the spaghetti madness and her husband getting arrested for apparently smashing up a barman's face until he needed metal plates inserted into his face and then possibly trying to pay him to leave the country, so it's about time that she received a rare chink of sunlight.

And here it is – Amy Winehouse probably isn't going to be arrested for perverting the course of justice. It was on the cards for a while, though – in December Amy Winehouse was arrested on suspicion of it thanks to the way that her husband Blake Fielder-Civil apparently offered the barman £200,000 to go away even though he generally looks so penniless that we're frankly stunned that he doesn't tit about in a striped Tesco Value trilby hat.

But now it seems as though Amy Winehouse is in the clear because police can't find anything suggesting she was in on Blake's screwy plot. According to a source in the Crown Prosecution Service:

"The evidence-building is purely circumstantial at this stage and is not enough to charge Amy with anything. If she did give money to her husband, this is not a criminal offence and is not enough to prove she was involved in a conspiracy. Unless new evidence comes to light it is likely the case against her will be dropped."

It's true – even if Amy Winehouse did give Blake £200,000 it could have been for anything, not just paying for a metal-faced man's extended holiday. Well maybe not anything – looking at Blake we're guessing that Amy didn't give him the money so he could buy some soap, or a wardrobe that doesn't look like Pete Doherty's shit-stained hand-me-downs, or some common sense, or the services of a decent dentist, or any books more advanced than The Very Hungry Caterpillar. But stuff other than that, sure.

Still, at least Amy Winehouse is in the clear now, and we couldn't be happier for her – at least this means we get to watch her unsettlingly tragic decline into drug-smashed madness in full view without a silly little thing like prison getting in the way. Really, this isn't just a victory for Amy Winehouse, it's a victory for everyone who likes seeing disturbed young women freely staggering around covered in blood. And, face it, that's everyone.

Read more:

Amy Winehouse In Clear - News Of The World 

However, it's not something you'll be able to again this year – Amy Winehouse has cancelled everything for the rest of the year; something she apparently decided two hours before she was set to play a show in Bournemouth last night. Hopefully Amy Winehouse cancelled the tour to focus on getting healthier and improving her state of mind rather than, say, sitting around in her house taking every drug ever invented. But let's not hope that Amy Winehouse disappears completely for the rest of the year, otherwise hecklerspray might spend December as a sort of barren wasteland, kept alive only by the possibility that Heather Mills might say "paedophile" in a funny high-pitched voice on GMTV again. 

Since her husband Blake Fielder-Civil got banged up in custody for allegedly smashing up a man's face and then offering him money to lie about it, Amy Winehouse's concerts have basically been performances of Birds Of A Feather: The Nightmarish Musical, except with the bleak whimsy of the original sitcom replaced with what appears to be a yowling transvestite docker who can't quite work out he's supposed to be doing.

And the emotional stress of seeing her husband locked up – coupled with her ongoing struggle with substances – has led to some fairly interesting Amy Winehouse performances lately, whether they involve slicing a big rug into several smaller rugs or prompting boo-filled walkouts with her general ineptitude. But not any more.

Why? Has Amy Winehouse decided to seek treatment for her drug addictions, therapy for her emotional problems and a stricter tour manager who won't let her keep walking offstage or threatening her audience with violence? No, she's just sacked everything off instead.

Amy Winehouse has cancelled all existing arrangements for 2007 – namely concerts in Bournemouth, Cardiff, Manchester, London, Belfast and Dublin – and said in a statement that:

“I can’t give it my all on stage without my Blake. I’m so sorry but I don’t want to do the shows half-heartedly. I love singing. My husband is everything to me and without him it’s just not the same.”

If any of this sounds familiar, it's probably because it is – in August Amy Winehouse cancelled her American tour because she was so off her face on drugs, and now she's cancelled another one. The financial implications of this will be huge – it's estimated that Amy Winehouse has lost around half a million pounds in ticket sales, plus promoters might pass over her in the future thanks to her relentless unreliability, instead choosing to pick someone more likely to turn up to shows – Sly Stone, perhaps, or John Lennon. 

But let's be serious – compared to Amy Winehouse's mental and physical recovery, a few cancelled concerts won't hurt anyone in the long run. And we're sure that Amy Winehouse will make up for her wayward behaviour more than ever in 2008 – where she'll have recovered enough to take her glassy-eyed, out-of-tune, awkwardly-stumbling roadshow out to more slightly disappointed paying customers than ever before.

Read more:

Amy Winehouse cancels latest tour with just two hours' notice – Times 

You see, when Amy Winehouse sings, all her troubles instantly get dissolved by her mellifluous voice and pitch-perfect delivery, and the euphoric reaction from the public is enough to lift Amy high above the mess that is her personal life and help her feel free of her burdens. No, wait, that's not true – at the opening of her UK tour in Birmingham last night, Amy Winehouse got booed by the crowd for being crap. Luckily, though, Amy Winehouse is a woman of grace and style, and she managed to win the disapproving crowd over by… no, wait, that's not true either.

What actually happened was that Amy Winehouse promised the entire audience that her husband would beat them all unconscious just as soon as he gets out of prison. You can't buy class like that.

Everyone needs a hobby to help them unwind, whether it's needlework, watercolour painting or – in Amy Winehouse's case – freaking Snoop Dogg out by lobbing spaghetti around and slicing rugs into tiny pieces. But hobbies are only good so long as you can back them up by having a job, which is why Amy Winehouse has decided to go back to work after her drug overdose and subsequent rehab follies.

Last night Amy Winehouse kicked off her much-anticipated UK tour in Birmingham, and it was her big chance to show that – no matter what's going on in her life – she can put it all behind her and remind the world why people made such a fuss about her in the first place. Even though Amy Winehouse buggered up her Mobo performance, her MTV EMA performance and all manner of other appearances lately, by putting on a decent show Amy could finally prove that there's more to her than a tidal wave of tabloid headlines and dentistry that looks like it was performed by a madman with a rivet-gun.

Yeah, didn't happen. What did happen, though, was that Amy Winehouse was so shit that the crowd reportedly started walking out and booing her when she quit the stage mid-song. But, hey, at least Amy Winehouse had a snappy comeback for the audience:

"To them people booing, wait 'til my husband gets out of incarceration. And I mean that."

We can't even imagine the logistics of setting one trilby-wearing man onto 13,000 people and coming out on top, but if anyone can arrange it, it's Amy Winehouse – just once she's stopped crying and staring into the middle distance and wailing like a cat being punched in the throat by a worn-down police siren and stuff.

But of course, with her husband Blake Fielder-Civil in jail for allegedly beating a man up until he needed metal plates put in his face and then offering him cash to leave the county, Amy Winehouse is bound to be more stressed than usual. Reports from last night's show say that Amy is very clearly feeling the effects of not having Blake around, dedicating a song to him and inserting the word 'Blake' or 'Blakey' into every single song.

And it's not just Amy Winehouse's performances that will suffer without Blake by her side – it's her whole life that'll suffer. For example, with no Blake around, who'll distract Amy Winehouse by instigating a razorblade fight whenever she's about to do a bunch of drugs with a prostitute? These are the important questions and no mistake.