The problems here are twofold: one – it’s only nearly died, thus removing most of the impact, and two – who the hell is Blake Fielder-Civil?

Answers on a postcard please.

Even faced with this wall of evidence pointing to the fact that no one cares or knows who this plum is, The Sun still went and chatted to Amy Winehouse’s ex-husband where he revealed the astonishing facts of a regular junkie party for the former couple.

Though, to be fair, it’s not so astonishing when you factor in that he’s a massive druggy, she’s a massive druggy (or at least was) and the combination of druggy plus druggy usually equals nearly dying.

Romanticise the notion, use fruity language of love, be so utterly frank about how scared you were and net a few grand from The Sun (as well as your ex-wife) in the process if you so choose. Thing is, you’re still just a couple of junkies ODing in a grotty room.

He described the situation thusly to the paper:

“She started having a fit on the bed. She slid down on to the floor before I could stop her. She started quivering again and it suddenly grew into what seemed like a full-blown epileptic fit. I was panicking. I didn’t know how to help her. I was out of it on drugs as well – and was sobbing and crying out: ‘Amy!’”

Blake Fielder-Civil – the caring man’s smackfiend – went on:

“I knelt over her as she kept fitting. But then suddenly she just passed out and stopped breathing.”

Fortunately (depending on how you feel about Winehouse), Blake was just about capable to put Amy in the recovery position, make sure she didn’t swallow her tongue and some other stuff that stopped her from dying – all while high. What a hero to us all.

Ladies and gentlemen, our new superhero: Smackman.

Not content with being a caring addict-cum-Smackman, Blaaaaaaaake went on to try and turn Amy off the horse following the incident:

“She had everything going for her. But she ended up behaving badly just to shock. After a while that just becomes a bore. I’d warned her to stop.”

Yep, that’s exactly how we’d describe heroin: boring. His speech was such a rousing success that she had to run off to the Caribbean for a year to get clean. Well done all!

Though maybe Amy Winehouse could have warned him to stop wearing such shit hats to return the favour.

So, it’s over. Amy Winehouse and Blake Incarcerated Fielder-Civil have been granted a divorce, meaning, hopefully, Amy now has enough gruesome, emotionally tortured experiences to turn into material for a cracking new album.

However, that naughty Blake Fielder-Civil is apparently claiming that since his utter swinefulness was what inspired Amy Winehouse’s huge album Back To Black in the first place, he should be due a few pounds. Six million of them, if you believe “reports”.

You see, Back To Black was written and recorded after Amy and Blake’s first split, which occured because Blake had cheated on Amy with his ex-girlfriend. So what Blake’s saying, basically, is that the album wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for his decision to throw his cock up up another woman.

I’m sure I’m not alone in hoping that Blake’s slightly cheeky claim is successful. Why, I’ve lost count of the number of girlfriends I’ve had who, following my long and dedicated campaigns of mental torture, have eventually upped, left and used the horrifying experience to propel them on to professional success.

I believe one of my exes is an area manager now, enjoying such benefits as a company car and a pretty sweet dental plan.

I utterly refuse to believe that she would have reached such giddy heights without leaving me. Were we still together she would almost certainly be a perma-weeping, self-esteemless doormat with little to no get-up-and-go. It was the life of misery she saw stretching out before her that motivated her to go to that job conference, and I feel I should at least be due a loan of the company car at a time that is mutually convenient, and/or the odd free scale and polish. But will she listen to reason?

So if Blake Fielder-Civil is successful in his attempt to get a tasty settlement from Amy Winehouse, I’m probably not the only utter git who will be keen to rifle through his stalking box and get back in touch with a few affluent erstwhile other halves.

The chap from Alanis Morrisette’s You Oughta Know must be due a pretty penny by now – judging by the rage he managed to elicit from Alanis it sounded like he was a complete tool. Where are his dollars, huh? Sure, he got his ding-dong sucked in a “theatre”, but that’s no match for cold, hard royalties. Royalties he clearly deserves.

Yes, it’s going to be raining cash on adulterers, psychological bullies and manipulative sociopaths all over the world if Blake Fielder-Civil has his way. Not such good news for Amy and her fans, however – if her next Grammy-winning album details her and Blake’s divorce, she’ll end up owing him a few more million quid.

This was a guest blog by the frankly stupendous Stuart Waterman off of that My Chemical Toilet.

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The only person who’ll eat ‘em is that one crazy uncle that lost most of his tongue to a series of mouth cancers. If your experience is anything like ours, that’s one uncle you don’t want to invite over too much. He tries to float the conversation when really there’s only one thing we want to talk about – the portion of jagged lip that sticks out from under his moustache.

Back to marriage though – good ones, even in Hollywood, take work. And that work occasionally involves bopping other men while you’re husband is wasting away deep inside a prison. Say, that sounds just like Amy Winehouse’s marriage – at least according to the man who’s moving to divorce her.

If Amy Winehouse’s future song titles continue to be as ironic as her Rehab tune, then its a safe bet her next album will contain titles like Hey, I think I just smelled myself, I’m thinking about firing the literal squirrels that generally style my hair, and Blake & I are still over the moon.

If her songs take a more realistic turn then we’ll just hear her sing all about how Blake Fielder-Civil is moving forward with a divorce filing. Because he is, apparently. And just as well too – once his marriage is broken and shattered he’d be free to love his six-foot tall white-collar crime cell mate in a much more guilt free manner. Even in jail cheating is seriously frowned upon, you know.

Well that’s what we heard – but the Blake/Amy divorce actually has nothing to do with Blake cuddling the man that bought him for two pieces of bacon and a lit cigarette. How could it? That never happened! No – the divorce Blake is currently craving has much more to do with his wife bumpin’ uglies with a series of surprisingly lice-less men. Or maybe just one man. We haven’t ever counted.

But as the Associated Press puts it:

“A lawyer for Amy Winehouse’s jailed husband said Monday his client will be seeking a divorce on the grounds of the soul diva’s alleged infidelity. Attorney Henri Brandman said he had been instructed by Blake Fielder-Civil “to commence divorce proceedings on the grounds of Amy’s adultery.”"

Now don’t you fret if you feel personally invested in the Fielder-Civil/Winehouse marriage – just because Blake told his lawyer to get things started doesn’t mean the divorce will ever actually be properly pushed forward. After all – Blake is currently in jail.

Just you think about that for a minute.

If you’re still crying about the whole thing, might we suggest you go back to a happier time. Try this last Christmas, for instance, when you came downstairs and found Winehouse’s boobies in your stocking or something.

Yes, yes we seem to remember reading that headline.

Perhaps it was worded differently.

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Because Amy Winehouse isn’t going to be ill and close to death and alone any more – she’s going to be ill and close to death with Blake Fielder-Civil, her hat-wearing berk of a husband who was released from jail yesterday, where he’d been since getting arrested for smashing a man’s face in with his feet and then lying about it.

But don’t expect a happy reunion between Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil just yet – after leaving prison, Blake went directly to rehab alone, where he’ll either be treated for substance abuse or violent shower-room bumming depending on how well his sentence went.

Hear that noise? Listen, it’s beautiful. It’s the sound of Amy Winehouse not staggering around bellowing “BLAAAAAAAAAYKE!” at the top of her voice every three or four seconds. It’s also the sound of Amy Winehouse not altering every single word of every one her songs so she can hamfistedly cram in as many goonish references to her jailed husband as possible. Like we said, it’s beautiful.

Ever since Blake Fielder-Civil was arrested almost a year ago, he’s been kept in jail. And, as a result, Amy Winehouse’s life has astonishingly managed to get even worse than it was before. She’s been seen staggering around on the streets, she’s started fights with everyone from strangers in pubs to her own audience, she’s developed chronic lung diseases and, worst of all, she’s probably slept with a man who looks like Little Ben from EastEnders. All of which have been soundtracked by a cry of “BLAAAAYKE!” that sounds like a dying elk straining for a poo.

But that ends now, because now Blake Fielder-Civil has been released from jail, meaning that Amy Winehouse can be reunited with him once again. Well, we say ‘reunited’, but that’ll be a bit difficult given that Blake has had to go directly to a court-stipulated rehab stint and Amy is possibly still in a clinic being treated for a chest infection.

However, a little thing like not being able to see his wife isn’t going to stop Blake from being happy about his release, as E! Online reports:

[Amy's] absence did seem to dampen the spirits of her 26-year-old spouse, who began serving time almost a year ago to the day after assaulting a pub owner and then attempting to pay off a witness. He did, however, seem a bit worse for wear. In addition to a massive grin, Fielder-Civil was sporting red scratches on his arms and a chipped front tooth when he exited the Suffolk facility.

Normally we’d suggest that Blake should get himself to a dermatologist and a dentist quicksmart in order to look his best for his emotional reunion with his wife but, given that Amy Winehouse is now a wheezing old woman with sores all over her face, he probably shouldn’t worry about making too much of an effort at the moment.

Instead, the most important thing for Blake Fielder-Civil to do is try to put the last year of his life behind him and focus on the reason he’s in rehab. After all, the world has changed a lot in the last year, and it’ll take time for him to settle back into life on the outside.

Actually, that’s a bit of a lie. The world hasn’t really changed much in the last year. It still thinks he’s a tit, for instance.

Firstly, Blake Fielder-Civil’s sentence has shown that you can’t go round violently attacking pub landlords in the face; and that if you do, you definitely can’t try buying their silence with great big wads of your wife’s cash.

Most of all, though, Blake Fielder-Civil’s 27-month jail sentence shows that you’ll still get lumbered with a giant stretch in prison even if you get Amy Winehouse to bellow your name in public every six or seven seconds. Speaking of that, we’ve got another 27 months of that. Thanks, the British justice system. Thanks a lot.

These last nine months have been hellish. They’ve been an unrelenting torture, the likes of which will rarely come round again. That’s because Amy Winehouse’s husband Blake Fielder-Civil has been incarcerated for nine months. And it’s been agony.

Not for Blake Fielder-Civil, who has been plunged into a nightmarish stay in a squalid prison for those nine months. And not for Amy Winehouse, who’s slowly been unravelling to the point where she’s now nothing more than a violent drug addict constantly on the brink of death. No, we’re talking about us.

Nine months we’ve had of listening to Amy Winehouse bellow the word “Blake!” when she’s singing her songs or staggering around Camden off her face on whatever substances she’s into these days. Blake Blake Blake, that’s all we ever bloody hear. And it’s fairly annoying, we don’t mind telling you. We definitely have it worse than Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil put together.

And it’s not going to stop until October 2010, because Blake Civil-Fielder has finally been sentenced for his crime of getting trashed on booze and cocaine, smashing up a pub landlord’s head until he needed a metal plate inserted to hold his face together and then offering him £200,000 to flee the country or change his story. And he’s been given 27 sodding months. The Independent reports:

Judge David Radford told Fielder-Civil he had behaved in a “gratuitous, cowardly and disgraceful” way. Fielder-Civil, who had looked calm and relaxed throughout the hearing, showed little emotion as the sentence was passed. But as he was taken down to the cells by court staff at the end of the hearing he looked up and smiled at friends and family in the front row of the crammed public gallery and mouthed “see you soon”.

Although 27 months sounds like quite a long time – in which Blake Fielder-Civil will miss both Albania joining NATO and the end of the Swedish pharmacy monopoly – in reality he’s already served nine of those on remand, so he could be out by Christmas.

Still, though, the next few months are going to be especially difficult on Amy Winehouse. Being without her husband has been tortuous enough as it is, and she’d been publicly pinning her hopes on his release today, so those around her must be fearing for her safety at the moment.

Will Blake’s sentence throw her back into the drug-drenched miasma she’s been struggling to recover from? Will it cripple her productivity as an artist even further? Worst of all, does it mean she’s going to get off with another ancient member of Babyshambles? Christ, let’s hope not. That poor girl has been through enough as it is.

Maybe it would drop below the ranking of something like ’supermodel massage artist who earns £500 a minute and is in constant demand’ or a hecklerspray employee, but all in all it’s a role that you certainly wouldn’t sniff at.

Though there would surely be some form of sniffing involved. And general inhaling. And breaking down of constituent ingredients into something more easily absorbed into the bloodstream. You get the idea.

But alas, for two people have been arrested on charges of being the beehived crooner’s personal suppliers. The licence to print money may be no more, it would seem.

Shock of all shocks, the news of the alleged dealers being arrested can be tracked back to the infamous video that everyone in the world knows far too much about – even the ones that don’t give two piece of caked-up shit.

The same video that everyone in the world wasn’t shocked about, nor did they care about. But it turns out that the police do care about it – not enough to charge young Amy, seemingly (though what they could do her for is up for debate) – but enough to track down the vagabonds that provided Winehouse with the naughty non-prescription drugs.

So it came to be that two (alleged) bad dudes, allegedly named John Blagrove and Cara Burton, have been charged with conspiracy to supply cocaine and MDMA (that’s as in Ecstasy and not a new, fashionable band, allegedly).

The alleged pair are allegedly set to have a court date at some point, alledgely meaning even more people that Amy allegedly knows could end up in the clink. If their alleged crimes end up being more than just allegations.

Which would mean that Amy Winehouse would be alone in the free world, save for… *shudder*… Pete fucking Doherty. Though there is always hope that someone will take incarcerated hubby Blake Fielder-Civil up on his offer and twot the whiny smackhead.

Which would leave Amy free to… we don’t know… have a music career again?

It would certainly be a novelty. Allegedly.

Fielder Civil, 26, has admitted on June 20, 2006, he did indeed assault James King.

Obviously, it isn’t the James King who does those movie reviews for Radio 1 that we’re referring to as, in the eyes of any judge, assaulting him would be no crime at all.

The James King we speak of is the landlord of Macbeth’s pub in London, and Fielder-Civil has also pleaded guilty to conspiring to pervert the cause of justice by offering James King money in return for him dropping the allegations as well as leaving the country.

This will no doubt be great news for Amy Winehouse who, it is has been alleged, wants her husband – who she promised to stand by till death does ‘em part – to remain in jail for as long as he can.

Fielder-Civil will be sentenced next month, after the trial of his co-defendants is expected to finish.

According to UK sentencing guidelines, Blake can expect to spend about three years in jail for the GBH offence, as well as fined and/or more time in jail for the justice perverting. He was arrested seven months ago to the day, back in 9th November 2007, but was denied bail and remains on remand. Any sentencing will take this in to consideration.

Amy Winehouse didn’t bother turning up to Snaresbrook Crown Court to see Blake plead guilty. A ‘family friend’ told People:

She is obsessional about him. She does the same thing about visiting him in prison. She means to go and then she has a bad night and turns up late and they don’t let her in. They don’t mess around there [at London's Pentonville Prison].

Quite often when you are told the quote is from a ‘source’ or ‘family friend’ you’d do well to be quite cynical regarding the truthfulness of it, but the use of the word ‘obsessional’ here confirms beyond any doubt that this is a friend of Amy Winehouse.

The friend went on to explain how Amy is handling the news:

This isn’t Amy’s biggest problem. She’s a smart girl and she’s such a great talent and she’s strong. Nobody can help her at this point until she decides to help herself.

And, once again, no friend of Blake has spoken up to defend him. But all that matters is that Amy is definitely alright.

Phew.

Think again – even though he’s probably going to be in prison for the foreseeable future and she doesn’t seem to be able to go more than a day without being in the papers for getting off with a variety of blokes who all look like infected bum scabs, Amy Winehouse and Blake Civil-Fielder are apparently planning to renew their marriage vows.

That’s the story, at least – in truth we’d imagine that Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil will opt for a slight retooling of their marriage vows. Since it’s fairly difficult to pledge ‘to have and to hold’ when one of them’s locked away in prison, perhaps Amy Winehouse can instead vow to keep her mangy genitals away from anyone out of Babyshambles for a nonspecific period of time. It’s the same wedding vows we’d want.

Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil are a bit like a soap opera. A really shit soap opera that seems to just comprise of one single episode repeated four times daily until the end of time even though people would rather watch kitten torture instead because it’s less harrowing.

But at least we thought we knew where Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil were going. Ever since Blake’s been in prison for allegedly perverting the course of justice all over some bloke’s face, Amy Winehouse has allegedly found comfort in the arms of other men.

Well, OK, not men exactly – little Ben Mitchell from EastEnders and Cousin Itt and someone’s grotty-looking grandpa to be more precise – but it doesn’t matter. To the casual observer, the signs were clear – Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil were on the outs.

Except now they’re apparently not. Apparently Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil have fallen in love again and want to renew their marriage vows in an effort to prove to the world that they’re committed to one another. It’s either a case of absence making the heart grow stronger or Class A drugs making the brain grow stupider, but we’ll let The Sunday Mirror carry on for us:

A source said: “Amy and Blake are more determined than ever to show the world they are together. As soon as he is out they will be renewing their wedding vows – they want to put two fingers up to those who want them apart.” The source added: “They want another wedding, a family and are even planning to set up a business together.”

Memorise that paragraph, everyone, because we don’t think a string of words has ever been put together more perfectly. You’d think that a quicker way of putting two fingers up to those who want them apart would be for Amy Winehouse to stop being romantically linked to a brand new man every couple of days, while the thought of them starting a business just beggars belief. Unless, of course, they charge people to stay at their house and experience a kind of perpetual retelling of the last few scenes of Requiem For A Dream in the flesh. There’s money in that, we’re sure.

And starting a family? Actually, that’s not such a bad idea. A baby, after all, makes the ideal unwitting drug mule. Maybe Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil aren’t so crazy after all.

Read more:

Exclusive: A second wedding for Amy Winehouse and Blake – Sunday Mirror

You see, when the going gets tough, everyone at hecklerspray unites as one to sing that Billy Ocean classic. Be it debt, demonic possession or running out of pens, we always do our best to help each other out. It seems that the celebrity world is no different. Apparently, these so-called famous people also have feelings like us mere mortals. And in another mind blowing piece of news, it seems that Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty weren’t wrecked out their faces to start the C.U.N.T campaign. To me and you, that means Celebrities United against Narcotic Treatment. And it’s all to do with freeing Amy Winehouse’s banged-up husband. 

Despite being locked away in prison for apparently banging someone on the head and perverting the course of justice, Blake Fielder Civil is still generating his own news. From taking dodgy drugs that nearly kill him and collecting Grammy awards from his wife, it’s a more exciting prison life than most prisoners face.

But now, it seems that Blake wants to give up the drugs. And he needs to get out of prison as well. We all know how Amy Winehouse has tried to make this happen – mainly by shouting the word 'Blake' 35 times during every song she sings on TV – but she's not the only one looking out for him.

It seems that a shining light of help has come from the most unlikely of sources. That’s right, Pete Doherty. The same person who constantly breaks his bail conditions on drug possession but still evades prison. He must be allergic to the place, unlike Amy’s Blake. And now Pete Doherty is all set to try and get Blake out of prison. As The News Of The World reports: 

“He's even started up a campaign to get his mate out of jail, calling it Free Blake For F***'s Sake.” 

Personally, we believe that C.U.N.T is a much better campaign name. We urge them to use this and we promise we won’t sue for copyright infringement. Though his slogan rhymes unlike ours. Maybe he aims to release it as some sort of charity song. A catchy acoustic number must surely be on the cards. But if Pete Doherty wasn’t enough, Blake has turned to someone else for help. And it doesn’t come bigger then this guy. It’s not fat Johnny from down the pub, it’s God.  

"When that metal door slams shut and you're alone with just your thoughts and no drugs, religion is the alternative." 

So what that basically means is that he’s bored out of his mind and has had to read the Bible for comfort. From Adam and Eve to barbaric torture, it’s a barrel of laughs that must surely be entertaining him.

We doubt that Blake’ll be knocking on our doors spreading the wonders of God if he’s ever released from prison. Unless he comes round to tell us how you can get away with sex crimes when you’re a Catholic minister.  

Read more: 

Pete Doherty launches 'Free Blake' campaign - NOTW

Well, technically we're told that Amy Winehouse was shouting those things at her husband, but we've looked at it from every angle and the phrases 'Blake Fielder-Civil' and 'Handsome, gorgeous one' just don't want to fit together.

Blake Fielder-Civil doesn't appear to be a man capable of particularly brilliant thought, since his two main recent thoughts have appeared to be "I know, I'll dress exactly like Pete Doherty from now on" and "Why don't I kick this guy in the face and then allegedly pay him to lie to the police about what happened," but his recent reported thought about wanting to divorce Amy Winehouse was the rare exception to this rule.

After all, that bloody Amy Winehouse has done nothing but hold Blake back, whether it's been through making him more famous than his ratty little face would have ever allowed by not being Mr Amy Winehouse or allegedly providing the financial means to offer the guy whose face he apparently kicked in $200,000 to leave the country. What a bloody bitch.

If that's not grounds for divorce right there we don't know what is.
However, it doesn't look as if Amy Winehouse is going to let this divorce happen without a fight.

On Friday Amy turned up to Blake Fielder-Civil's latest court hearing to show her support. And by 'show her support' we clearly mean 'rolling in looking unsteady five minutes from the end, only to blow kisses like the world's least convincing Barbara Windsor impersonator'.

ABC News reports:

Entering court just five minutes from the end of the hearing — which had lasted more than half an hour — Winehouse, disheveled and dressed in a cream skirt, dark polo shirt and sporting her new blonde haircut, first mouthed: "I love you" and blew kisses to her 25-year-old husband as he left the dock. She then yelled "Love you handsome, gorgeous one" as the judge discussed legal matters with lawyers.

She then turned to the several reporters sitting next to her in the public gallery and added in a loud voice: "I am not talking to you."

And that's about as clear a statement that Amy Winehouse isn't ready for divorce as you're likely to get, apart from that time when she told a crowd of 13,000 people that Blake was going to beat them all up.

In other news, Amy Winehouse seems to have taken our suggestion that she watches Birds Of A Feather to console herself to her new-found prisoner's wife status a little seriously, judging by her new haircut. By going for the 'dyed blonde Jeremy Kyle viewer' look, Amy has switched from looking like Dorian the slutty Jewish neighbour to being the spitting image of Linda Robson in one fell swoop.

Next, we predict that Amy Winehouse will cram her gut with pastry until she looks like Pauline Quirke. At which point, having successfully aped the look of all three Birds Of A Feather actresses, the world will explode. Or something. We really haven't thought this through, you know.

Read more:

Winehouse nearly misses husband's court date – ABC

But there might be trouble in paradise – according to Amy Winehouse's father, Blake has a habit of screaming things like "I want a divorce" at Amy Winehouse during arguments and now their marriage is dangerously on the rocks.

Let's hope they're just rumours, though, because watching Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil squabble for custody of a tatty trilby, a beehive wig that smells of gutters and enough drugs to down a herd of elephants would be quite traumatic for us.

Look at most married couples you know. What's the hardest thing most of them have been through? That time their toddler drew on the wallpaper with a marker pen? That time the husband couldn't stop staring at a waitress' arse on their anniversary dinner? Pah.

Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil have been through way more than that together – they've endured near-fatal drug overdoses, public fights, arrests for perverting the course of justice, failed tours and – most gravely of all – the fact that neither one of them looks capable of stringing even a rudimentary sentence together.

But most recently it's emerged that the marriage between Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil is under more pressure than ever. While Blake is banged up pending his court case, Amy Winehouse has been seen out and about with an old ex-boyfriend, her producer Mark Ronson and Pete Doherty.

While it's thought that Blake is OK with Amy seeing Pete – because, really, what is Pete Doherty if not a Blake Fielder-Civil clone carved out of a month-old potato? – the thought of his wife spending time with other men has been sending him crazy; so much so that Amy's dad claims he's asked for a divorce. Now reports: 

Amy Winehouse's hubby Blake Fielder-Civil has asked her for a divorce. The singer's dad Mitch claims his son-in-law said he was ready to call it a day during a recent spat with Amy. 'Blake threatened to issue divorce proceedings when they were having a row,' he says… 'From Amy's point of view, she would stick by him not matter what. But he has said things like, “I want a divorce”.' 

Now, having seen most episodes of Birds Of A Feather, we've witnessed for ourselves the stress that gets put on a marriage when one half of the couple is in jail, so these divorce rumours don't come as a surprise. What Amy Winehouse desperately needs to do is to move next door to a middle-aged Jewish slapper to provide the occasional moment of comic relief in her otherwise bleak life. That's something else we learnt from Birds Of A Feather.

But are Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil really going to divorce? Hardly – it seems clear that Amy Winehouse is smitten on her ratty, dirty-looking husband and, besides, if Amy and Blake divorce then who's going to violently attack all those 13,000 audience members that she angrily threatened back in November? 

Read more:

Blake Fielder-Civil asks Amy Winehouse for divorce – Now 

We’re starting 2008 as we mean to go on, by crossing our fingers really hard and hoping that just about every celebrity couple in the land gets divorced and spends the rest of their lives wallowing about in abject near-suicidal misery just so we can make £12.50 from a lucky stab at a bet. And when we say ‘we’ we really mean ‘you’. It’s £12.50 that you didn’t have before, at least.

So here are the celebrity divorce betting odds for Jordan and Peter Andre, Madonna and Guy Ritchie, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, Liz Hurley and Arun Nayar and Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil. Help, as ever, comes from Paddy Power…

Jordan & Peter Andre – Surely – surely – Jordan and Peter Andre are prime candidates for the first celebrity divorce filing of 2008. Anyone who had the misfortune to stumble across their ITV2 chatshow will know exactly why – if it has any basis whatsoever in the real world, Jordan and Peter Andre’s marriage consists of nothing but Jordan droning “Oh shut up you pointless wanker” whenever Peter Andre even looks like he’s thinking about opening his mouth. There’d be pros and cons to a Jordan/ Peter Andre divorce, though – although it’d mean Jordan would be back on the prowl for innocent young reality TV stars to corrupt, at least it’d put an end to the pair of them churning out horrible duets. Current 2008 divorce betting odds – 8/1

Madonna & Guy Ritchie – We’ll admit that we weren’t expecting to see Madonna and Guy Ritchie stay together for this long, because we never had Madonna down as a woman who plays with her food before she eats it. What with Guy Ritchie’s stalled career and Madonna’s fierce determination to adopt all the sad-eyed babies in the world adding to the existing rumours of marriage counselling and separate bedrooms, it looks like it really might be curtains for Madonna and Guy Ritchie in 2008. And if that sparks Guy Ritchie’s thoughtful cinematic meditation on the intangible ache of love lost then so be it. Because it’ll be rubbish and we’ll have fun kicking the life out of it. Current 2008 divorce betting odds – 6/1

Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie – Now, despite these short odds, we can’t see Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie divorcing at all this year. Is that down to the fact that Angelina Jolie’s well of humanitarian goodwill means that it’ll be impossible for Brad Pitt to fall out of love with her? No. Is it because both Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie understand that a two-parent family will be the best upbringing for their rainbow-coloured band of adopted children? No. It’s because – even though hardly a week passes without reports of tensions between the couple – Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie aren’t actually bloody married, you plebs. Current 2008 divorce betting odds – 4/1

Liz Hurley & Aran Nayar – Imagine a world where Liz Hurley and Aran Nayar got divorced. Just imagine it. Imagine the blow to the foundations of our very consciousness that would happen if two people who we’d forgotten were even married got divorced in 2008. We don’t know if we could take it, especially if we wouldn’t recognise one of them even if they marched around town in a big hat with the words ‘I Am Aran Nayar’ written on it in neon tubing, followed by the thousand-strong Aran Nayar Chorus singing Theme From Aran Nayar through bus-sized loudspeakers. No, we wouldn’t be able to cope with that at all. Current 2008 divorce betting odds – 11/4

Amy Winehouse & Blake Fielder-Civil – No shit, Sherlock. Last year Amy Winehouse married Blake Fielder-Civil and instantly transformed from a slightly odd-looking drunkard into a toothless self-harming drug-addict with a husband in prison on suspicion of beating up a man so badly that he needed to have metal plates inserted into his head. If this spiral holds its pattern, it’ll either end in divorce or death. And since it’s much easier for pithily sarcastic British entertainment blogs to make off-colour jokes about divorce than death, we’re hoping it’ll be the former. That said, we do have a whole lot of death jokes stockpiled. You should cross your fingers that Amy gets pecked to death by an emu, because that baby’s a doozy. Current 2008 divorce betting odds – 2/1

Tomorrow: Betting odds for that new Big Brother show! We think! But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power celebrity divorce betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

Oh, alright, actually we do know. Amy Winehouse was arrested on suspicion of perverting the course of justice yesterday after she was apparently implicated in all this business that's got her husband Blake Fielder-Civil currently banged up. After allegedly beating up a pub landlord to such an extent that he needed metal plates inserted into his face, Blake Fielder-Civil is then claimed to have offered him £200,000 to shut up and leave the country – and it's thought that Amy Winehouse was brought into it because, without her wealth, all Blake could offer the landlord was 26p, half a packet of Refreshers and tatty hat that looks like someone's been wiping their arse on it.

It's been an up and down year for Amy Winehouse, really. There's been a drug overdose, an aborted shot at rehab, cancelled tours, universally-derided performances, self-harm, ill-advised friendships with Pete Doherty, blood-soaked stumbles through London at midnight – and on top of that her husband has been remanded in custody for apparently kicking in a pub landlord and then offering money to make him shut up.

On the other hand, though, Victoria Beckham said that she quite likes some of the clothes that Amy Winehouse wears, so on the big scale of things it probably balances out.

Or at least it balanced out until yesterday, because that's when Amy Winehouse was arrested. And this wasn't a run-of-the-mill minor drug arrest, either – Amy Winehouse was arrested for perverting the course of justice, which could land her with a lengthy jail sentence if she's convicted.

As everyone knows, Amy Winehouse's husband Blake Fielder-Civil has been banged up because – after he apparently beat up a pub landlord so viciously that metal plates were needed to put his face back together – he offered the landlord £200,000 to be quiet and flee the country.

Now, look at Blake Fielder-Civil. Look at him. Doesn't he look a bit, you know, homeless. A bit free school dinners. A bit like the only way he'd ever get £200,000 is if he spent a million years being a rent boy to blind, poverty-stricken businessmen. Amy Winehouse, on the other hand, has sold millions of records and is actually quite minted. So it's thought that Amy Winehouse was arrested because she's the logical source of Blake's alleged justice-perverting money.

So far, all the police will say is this:

"A 24-year-old woman has been arrested by appointment at an east London police station. The arrest is in connection with an investigation into perverting the course of justice."

Amy Winehouse's slave, though, is at pains to point out that Amy Winehouse volunteered herself to the police and that she hasn't been charged with anything yet. Indeed, police have previously stated that there is no evidence linking her to Blake's arrest, and that they just wanted to question her.

And anyway, a big celebrity like Amy Winehouse has nothing to fear from the police – who could stay mad at a crooked, witchy face like that? At the very least, we'd expect Amy Winehouse to reach some sort of plea deal where she'd plead guilty to perverting the course of justice, but would avoid jail by offering her services as an interrogator.

Seriously, after about six seconds of hearing her wail Me And Mr Jones right in our faces in the style of a concussed cat falling down a well, we'd admit to anything the police wanted.

Read more: 

Winehouse arrested in link to husband's court case – Independent 

But just because Blake Fielder Civil is going to be banged up in prison until the middle of January – possibly even June – it doesn't mean that he's not in love with his wife. That's why Blake has apparently urged Amy Winehouse to spend Christmas in Miami, the city where they got married, to reflect on the good times instead of wallowing glumly and screaming like an angry kestrel at paying fans. And it seems like Amy Winehouse has decided to listen to him and go to Miami. That's probably for the best because not only will Amy Winehouse get some distance from her current troubles, but it means that Blake won't have to kick her in the face until she needs metal plates inserted because she defied him.

All the things you take for granted this Christmas – unwrapping presents, realising you don't like the presents, tactlessly asking for the receipt so you can exchange the presents, making the present-giver cry, rolling your eyes and asking them what all the bloody fuss is about, getting told it's because you're a heartless bastard – Amy Winehouse's husband Blake Fielder Civil won't get to experience any of that this year.

That's because Blake Fielder Civil is going to be spending Christmas in Pentonville Prison for his alleged role in beating up a barman and then perverting the course of justice by trying to buy his silence. And prison Christmases aren't much fun, because instead of turkey you're given a bowl of spitty porridge and instead of dozing off in front of The Two Ronnies you're shanked in the kidneys by a tattooed murderer. 

What's more, Blake Fielder Civil will definitely be spending New Year's Eve remanded in custody – and maybe even Valentine's day, Easter, and April Fool's Day too, if it's decided that he has to stay in prison until his trial begins in June. All of those special dates are marked with a murderer kidney-shanking too, by the way, except for Valentine's day where you get shanked and bummed at the same time. 

But as awful as all that must be for Blake Fielder Civil, imagine how it must feel for his wife Amy Winehouse. She's already overdosed on drugs, been booed by her fans and staggered around London covered in blood this year, and now she has to spend the festive season all alone, too? That's too much for any girl to bear, which is why Blake Fielder Civil has stepped in to help Amy Winehouse out.

It's been reported that Blake has ordered Amy Winehouse to spend Christmas in Miami, where they both got married earlier this year, to think about all the good times they've had together since the wedding, like the near-death overdose, the messed-up rehab visits, the arrests, the blood-soaked razorblade fights and the skronky fan-angering concerts, that sort of thing. And, according to Amy Winehouse's hairdresser, that's exactly what she's going to do:

"Amy told me Blake wants her to go away for Christmas to get away from it all. She is not on top of the world. But speaking to Blake on the phone helps. She'll go to Miami if Blake keeps going on about it because she loves him and wants to make him happy."

Of course, nobody can expect Amy Winehouse to solve all of her problems just by spending a few days in Miami, no matter what Will Smith may have rapped to you in 1998. But perhaps the trip will give Amy some time to put her issues in perspective. After all, it's only away from the media spotlight that Amy will see it's really not such a big deal to destroy your own career and become a laughing stock because you're addicted to hard drugs and married to a trilby-wearing pillock of a jailbird. 

Read more:

Amy Off To Miami – Sunday Mirror 

But he is, and he won't be getting out any time soon. Amy Winehouse's husband Blake Fielder-Civil was supposed to be in court this week over claims that he beat a man up so violently that the injuries left him needing metal plates in his face, but thanks to Blake Fielder-Civil getting arrested again last week for perverting the course of justice, the case has been pushed back. That means that a) Blake's going to be held in custody for a lot longer than he thought and b) it's looking more and more likely that the next Amy Winehouse album will just consist of 12 increasingly morose renditions of the Birds Of A Feather theme-tune.

It's often said that the greatest love between a man and a woman comes when the woman is publicly disintegrating due to an addiction to hard drugs and the man beats up barmen a lot and then tries to buy their silence. That's the reason why Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil are the Romeo and Juliet of our times. Not Romeo and Juliet the fictional Shakespeare couple, you understand – we mean Romeo the Birmingham takeaway pizza outlet and Juliet Finch, the girl from our school who wet herself a lot.

That's not a title we bestow easily either – Blake Fielder-Civil and Amy Winehouse are always there for each other, whether Blake is helping Amy to freak out and run away from rehab or saving her life by initiating a bloody razorblade fight every time he catches her doing drugs with a prostitute in a hotel room.

But Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil are going to have to get used to coping without each other's company for the next few weeks because it doesn't look like Blake will be released from custody any time soon. Although he was due to go to court this week over his role in the beating of barman James King with friend Michael Brown back in June, his recent arrest for perverting the course of justice following last week's police raid on Amy Winehouse's home means that the whole thing's been postponed.

It's thought that Blake Fielder-Civil had offered James King £200,000 to change his story to the police and leave the country – something that the law apparently frowns upon slightly. So while the judge has decided to delay the court case until November 23 so that the perverting the course of justice charge can be examined, poor old Blake has to stay banged up in Pentonville. Mark Williams, the prosecution lawyer, has said of the new charges that:

"Things developed last week amid allegations that Mr Brown and Mr Fielder-Civil have conspired to pervert the course of justice to offer Mr King a significant sum of money to tell him to withdraw the allegations and to leave the country. Some of that has video footage."

So now the only times that Blake Fielder-Civil will get to see Amy Winehouse is when she visits him in jail, as she has been today. But it's not all bad news – we hear that hardened convicts like to treat skinny pointless gold-digging trilby-wearing tossmunches like royalty in jail.