Blake Fielder-Civil - HecklerSpray

Blake Fielder-Civil Plans To Make Money From Amy Winehouse’s Corpse

August 4th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

You’d have to have a heart of coal to not care a jot about the passing of Amy Winehouse. That, or you’re indulging in an exercise in nose-pulling by saying cruel things for the sake of it, just to wind everyone up.

What kind of scumbag would do that sort of thing, eh?

Still, while we all scurry around the floor crying and braying, Blake Fielder-Civil is taking a little from column A and a little from column B as he’s more than prepared to show how inconsolably hurt he is by all this, mixed with a need to rinse Winehouse’s cadaver for a few quid. He’s approaching the world of Paul Burrell, the arena of the overwrought vulture.

Amy Winehouse About To Make a Rare Poor Decision

November 25th, 2009 By Amy Grindhouse

Amy Winehouse has taken a rare wrong turn in her otherwise nondescript life. Thus far, her life has been about merry walks in the park on sunny days and staying as far away as she can from yucky things like crack.

There has been a rumour going around the Webernets today that Amy Winehouse might be going back to her ex-husband, Blake Fielder-Civil, for the millionth time. Perhaps we are operating under some kind of misguided naivete here – but as sure as crack is whack we are going to have faith in Amy’s decision-making and choose to believe that today’s rumours of an unwashed reconciliation are untrue.

Amy Winehouse Died In Blake Fielder-Civil’s Arms (There’s a “Nearly” Missing From That Statement)

July 27th, 2009 By Ian Dransfield

In a bold move to try and make people remember who he is, Blake Fielder-Civil has claimed Amy Winehouse died in his arms.

The problems here are twofold: one – it’s only nearly died, thus removing most of the impact, and two – who the hell is Blake Fielder-Civil?

Answers on a postcard please.

Even faced with this wall of evidence pointing to the fact that no one cares or knows who this plum is, The Sun still went and chatted to Amy Winehouse‘s ex-husband where he revealed the astonishing facts of a regular junkie party for the former couple.

Blake Fielder-Civil Wants Amy Winehouse’s Money For Being An Utter Git

July 21st, 2009 By Stuart Waterman

So, it’s over. Amy Winehouse and Blake Incarcerated Fielder-Civil have been granted a divorce, meaning, hopefully, Amy now has enough gruesome, emotionally tortured experiences to turn into material for a cracking new album.

However, that naughty Blake Fielder-Civil is apparently claiming that since his utter swinefulness was what inspired Amy Winehouse’s huge album Back To Black in the first place, he should be due a few pounds. Six million of them, if you believe “reports”.

You see, Back To Black was written and recorded after Amy and Blake’s first split, which occured because Blake had cheated on Amy with his ex-girlfriend. So what Blake’s saying, basically, is that the album wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for his decision to throw his cock up up another woman.

Blake Wants To Divorce Amy Winehouse, Who Is Allegedly Making Sweet Love Elsewhere

March 24th, 2009 By Shawn Lindseth

A good marriage is like a delicate recipe – if you pour in too much salt you’re gonna eff up all your pastries. And you know what happens then?

The only person who’ll eat ’em is that one crazy uncle that lost most of his tongue to a series of mouth cancers. If your experience is anything like ours, that’s one uncle you don’t want to invite over too much. He tries to float the conversation when really there’s only one thing we want to talk about – the portion of jagged lip that sticks out from under his moustache.

Back to marriage though – good ones, even in Hollywood, take work. And that work occasionally involves bopping other men while you’re husband is wasting away deep inside a prison. Say, that sounds just like Amy Winehouse‘s marriage – at least according to the man who’s moving to divorce her.

Amy Winehouse Cheered Up By Release Of BLAAAAAYKE!

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

If you’ve been traumatised by all those photos of Amy Winehouse looking ill and close to death and alone recently, fear not.

Because Amy Winehouse isn’t going to be ill and close to death and alone any more – she’s going to be ill and close to death with Blake Fielder-Civil, her hat-wearing berk of a husband who was released from jail yesterday, where he’d been since getting arrested for smashing a man’s face in with his feet and then lying about it.

But don’t expect a happy reunion between Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil just yet – after leaving prison, Blake went directly to rehab alone, where he’ll either be treated for substance abuse or violent shower-room bumming depending on how well his sentence went.

Amy Winehouse Gets To Screech About Blake For 27 More Months

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Would-be criminals can learn a lot from today’s news that Blake Fielder-Civil has been sentenced to 27 months in jail.

Firstly, Blake Fielder-Civil’s sentence has shown that you can’t go round violently attacking pub landlords in the face; and that if you do, you definitely can’t try buying their silence with great big wads of your wife’s cash.

Most of all, though, Blake Fielder-Civil’s 27-month jail sentence shows that you’ll still get lumbered with a giant stretch in prison even if you get Amy Winehouse to bellow your name in public every six or seven seconds. Speaking of that, we’ve got another 27 months of that. Thanks, the British justice system. Thanks a lot.

Amy Winehouse May Need To Use New Delivery Service. Allegedly.

March 24th, 2009 By Ian Dransfield

Think of some of the greatest jobs in the world from a purely money-making perspective and ‘Amy Winehouse’s drug dealer’ is sure to pop up near the top of the list.

Maybe it would drop below the ranking of something like ‘supermodel massage artist who earns £500 a minute and is in constant demand’ or a hecklerspray employee, but all in all it’s a role that you certainly wouldn’t sniff at.

Though there would surely be some form of sniffing involved. And general inhaling. And breaking down of constituent ingredients into something more easily absorbed into the bloodstream. You get the idea.

But alas, for two people have been arrested on charges of being the beehived crooner’s personal suppliers. The licence to print money may be no more, it would seem.

Amy Winehouse’s Husband: I’m As Guilty As I Look – Completely

March 25th, 2009 By Paul Sorrenti

Amy Winehouse’s husband, or Blake Fielder-Civil as he’s also known, has changed his plea from not guilty to guilty.

Fielder Civil, 26, has admitted on June 20, 2006, he did indeed assault James King.

Obviously, it isn’t the James King who does those movie reviews for Radio 1 that we’re referring to as, in the eyes of any judge, assaulting him would be no crime at all.

The James King we speak of is the landlord of Macbeth’s pub in London, and Fielder-Civil has also pleaded guilty to conspiring to pervert the cause of justice by offering James King money in return for him dropping the allegations as well as leaving the country.

Amy Winehouse: The Bone-Headed Vow Renewal

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

So Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil have split up and everyone’s generally quite relieved about it, right?

Think again – even though he’s probably going to be in prison for the foreseeable future and she doesn’t seem to be able to go more than a day without being in the papers for getting off with a variety of blokes who all look like infected bum scabs, Amy Winehouse and Blake Civil-Fielder are apparently planning to renew their marriage vows.

That’s the story, at least – in truth we’d imagine that Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil will opt for a slight retooling of their marriage vows. Since it’s fairly difficult to pledge ‘to have and to hold’ when one of them’s locked away in prison, perhaps Amy Winehouse can instead vow to keep her mangy genitals away from anyone out of Babyshambles for a nonspecific period of time. It’s the same wedding vows we’d want.