Articles tagged with: Blake
You read that right - Amy Winehouse wants to solve your problems on the radio. Even we don’t have to go in to much detail about the potential arse-up that this could bring to the innocent people of London. Granted, there are a few cockney people like the So Solid Crew and Danny Dyer who we'd like to exterminate but that’s another kettle of onions. We have our own plans for those individuals and don’t want Amy Winehouse to jump in and spoil our fun. Unless you only read The Financial Times and have only stumbled upon hecklerspray through mistyping something in to Google, you won’t know who Amy Winehouse is. In a nutshell, she’s a girl with tattoos who sings songs by other people, has her Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake locked up in prison and occasionally dabbles in drugs. Actually, the term “hunting down every dealer in London to eat up their stash of pills and powders quicker then a bear hunts down salmon†comes to mind. So how is she getting this potential gig? Let us explain.
Yesterday brought the news that Amy Winehouse had decided to take a stroll to the hospital. It wasn’t because she finally realised she was slowly destroying her insides, it was simply down to having a crazy reaction to the medication slowly digesting in her stomach. Many people have placed bets on her dying before the end of the year due to her body slowly fading away and her apparent ability to always be pictured with a ciggie and a can of Superbrew. Yesterday saw a couple of people prematurely attempting to cash in that betting slip, but they were wrong to do so - those good people at the NHS managed to fix her up with some sticky tape and drinks straws. It's now surfaced that she’s returned to hospital and her ever-suffering father Mitch has told us what caused her freakout. It was indeed an issue with drugs, but not the good kind. Oh no!
Aside from the chronic signs of drug addiction, self-harm and mental instability, Amy Winehouse has probably been most worried about perverting the course of justice lately.
But now she needs to worry no more, because the police have officially decided to take no further action with Amy Winehouse over her supposed role in her husband's GBH/ perverting the course of justice trial.
Finally Amy Winehouse can relax - and this means she can now hoof down as much crack as she likes without fear of being sent to jail and experiencing any upsetting periods of cold turkey in there. That Amy Winehouse, eh? What a bloody hero.
Amy Winehouse may be many things - like the world's most disturbing semi-professional Marge Simpson impersonator, to name but one - but it looks as if she isn't a perverter of the justice.
Although Amy Winehouse was arrested on suspicion of perverting the course of justice last month - in connection with her husband's alleged plan to buy the silence of a barman who he attacked - it now looks like all charges against her will be dropped. That's wonderful news for Amy Winehouse, who can now put this horrible incident behind her and get on with some of her much-missed hobbies - for instance, Amy sorely needs to catch up on her wandering around London in her bra at midnight looking as if she doesn't really understand what's going on. Maybe she'll even renew her subscription to Wandering Around London In Your Bra At Midnight Looking As If You Don't Really Understand What's Going On magazine.
By all accounts, going to one of Amy Winehouse's recent concerts has been a bit like funding a pikey's drug addiction by paying to watch her stare off into the middle distance and make a noise like a chicken choking on a shoelace.
However, it's not something you'll be able to again this year - Amy Winehouse has cancelled everything for the rest of the year; something she apparently decided two hours before she was set to play a show in Bournemouth last night. Hopefully Amy Winehouse cancelled the tour to focus on getting healthier and improving her state of mind rather than, say, sitting around in her house taking every drug ever invented. But let's not hope that Amy Winehouse disappears completely for the rest of the year, otherwise hecklerspray might spend December as a sort of barren wasteland, kept alive only by the possibility that Heather Mills might say "paedophile" in a funny high-pitched voice on GMTV again.
Amy Winehouse might have to deal with the pressures of drug addiction, self-mutilation and a husband doing chokey for slapping the bloke from the boozer about, but she'll always have her music.
You see, when Amy Winehouse sings, all her troubles instantly get dissolved by her mellifluous voice and pitch-perfect delivery, and the euphoric reaction from the public is enough to lift Amy high above the mess that is her personal life and help her feel free of her burdens. No, wait, that's not true - at the opening of her UK tour in Birmingham last night, Amy Winehouse got booed by the crowd for being crap. Luckily, though, Amy Winehouse is a woman of grace and style, and she managed to win the disapproving crowd over by... no, wait, that's not true either.
What actually happened was that Amy Winehouse promised the entire audience that her husband would beat them all unconscious just as soon as he gets out of prison. You can't buy class like that.
