Hey nerd baskets! Get this! You’re gonna love this! You know Blade Runner? That sic-fi film you weally weally weally love? Some people are going to tinker with it. Feel free to say “is nothing sacred anymore?”

Ridley Scott’s bleak look at some typically horrible future (why are no films set in the future kinda cool?*) is about to have a whole new set of digits, prodding and poking it and fizzing with excitement about filming in 3D and ‘better’ CGI, when really, the original’s clunky effects only added to the menace of it all.

Aaaanyway, more than thirty years on, the film is about to become a franchise seeing spin-offs on television and new movies.

Some company (they’re called Alcon if you remotely care) is bagging the rights for Blade Runner to make a whole buncha new things which will probably end up looking like those awful Stargate shows that we all endured when there was nothing else on the box.

Bud Yorkin, who produced the original, is set to produce a new untitled Blade Runner project.

The people from Some Company, say:

“We are honored and excited to be in business with Bud Yorkin. This is a major acquisition for our company, and a personal favorite film for both of us. We recognize the responsibility we have to do justice to the memory of the original with any prequel or sequel we produce. We have long-term goals for the franchise, and are exploring multi-platform concepts, not just limiting ourselves to one medium only.”

So expect video games and lunchboxes then.

Blade Runner, of course, starred Harrison Ford as Rick Dekard. Dekard was a retired cop who was tasked with hunting down some clones who escaped from a colony and decided that Los Angeles sounded like a nice place to hang out.

So who will take the role of Dekard in a prequel? It has to be someone with reasonable acting chops and butch enough to tackle the thrills and spills of the story.

In that case, our money’s on either Tom Hardy or Dustin Diamond.

*Granted, a film set in the future where everything and everyone was happy would be immensely dull, but y’know?

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Can robots really be sexy? Can a mechanical object devoid of human emotion and personality really turn you on? Of course it can – just look at Emily Blunt.

But, obviously, it helps if they look like Blunt, Grace Park, Tricia Helfer, or anyone on this list. Two of them even made toasters sexy, for God’s sake. We have never looked at the office Rowenta the same way since.

The same can’t be said for our Henrietta Hoover, though. Sure, she has an eager face, a bag full of accessories and a suck that could strip paint, but she looks more like a hyperactive child that has drunk too much Sunny D than Darryl Hannah in Bladerunner.

Mind you, come to think of it, her bag has been a full a lot recently – the cheap, pink floozy. OK, we are only joking now – and, sure, as we write, we feel slightly soiled and unusual, but robots really can be sexy.

Think about it, robots do what you ask them to do and are happy to please. Plus their beauty never fades and there is always an off switch for those rare occasions when their ‘personality’ chips overheat. Then the attraction starts to become obvious: Less housework, less conflict and more sex – even if it is a bit icky, like trying to mount a pink Optimus Prime or something.

But which robots from movies, TV and even music videos are the sexiest? Well, hecklerspray, as always, provides lame answers to the questions you never asked in the first place.

We have even managed to get one bloke in our list of lovely lady-bots to make it fairer. Mind you it is Jude Law, who, especially after seeing a picture of his private parts, barely counts.

Anyway enjoy – we are already looking forward to comments of ‘you forgot blah blah from that film no one has ever heard of’. Oh, and, yes, we are including bloody cyborgs. Don’t start.

22. Bjork lesbian robot
From: Music video All Is Full Of Love

Brilliant video of Bjork getting it on with herself. No, not like that.

21. Cameron (Summer Glau)
From: Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles

Everyone loves the Summer.

20. Gigolo Joe (Jude Law)
From: AI

Token bloke alert.

19. Diana A
From: Mazinger Z

Her breasts are missiles – what else needs to be said. Don’t look at us like that.

18. Annalee Call (Winona Ryder)
From: Alien Resurrection

Everyone’s favourite shoplifter.

17. Alice (Isabel Lucas)
From: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Great tongue and a more convincing human being than Megan Fox.

16. Joanna Eberhart (Katharine Ross)
From: Stepford Wives (1975 version)

What? Come on! You so would. Or, errr, would have done.

15. Various (The Fembots)
From: Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

Even Liz Hurley almost passed as sexy as a FemBot. Mind you, she already had the robotic moves and cold, emotionless stare – that’s how she normally acts.

14. Rosie (voice of Jean Vander Pyl)
From: The Jetsons

So eager to please.

13. Eve (Renee Soutendijk)
From: Eve of Destruction

If you have never seen this film, get it out now. It’s about a government-created robot built in the image of a sexy scientist and it’s up to actor/dancer Gregory Hines to stop her from blowing up and taking everyone with her. Really.

12. Joanna Eberhart (Nicole Kidman)
From: The Stepford Wives (newer, crappier version)

OK, not to everyone’s taste, but this is my list, OK?

11. Casella ‘Cash’ Reese (Angelina Jolie)
From: Cyborg 2

Cyborg 2 is so bad, it’s worse than Cyborg. But Angelina Jolie, before she is famous, has a naked scene where she cavorts with the guy from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (No, not Uncle Phil from Fresh Prince). You can almost smell her desperation.

10. Maria (Brigitte Helm)
From: Metropolis

An exotic dancer who doesn’t talk?

9. Rachael (Sean Young)
From: Blade Runner

Our replicants really robots, who cares?

8. Gigolo Jane (Ashley Scott)
From: AI

AI is a such a bad film. Even worse than Cyborg 2. But strikingly attractive love-bot, Gigolo Jane, almost makes up for the 18 bum-numbing hours sopent watching this utter turd.

7. Lucy Liu-bot
From: Futurama

A robot with the body of Lucy Liu that you can turn off – Hrrrrrh!!!

6. Android Andrea (Sherry Jackson)
From: Star Trek: The Original series

Kissing Kirk was not part of her programming. What can we say, programmes are there to be hacked. Better still that costume doesn’t leave much to the imagination.

5. Number Eight: Grace Park
From: Battlestar Galactica

4. Pris (Darryl Hannah)
From: Blade Runner

Basic pleasure model – need we say anymore?

3. Number Six (Tricia Helfer)
From: Battlestar Galatica

tricia-helfer

Top of the range toaster.

2. Seven of Nine (Jeri Ryan)
From: Star Trek: Voyager

More 10 out of 10.

1. The Terminatrix (Kristanna Loken)
From: Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

A clear winner.

Honorable mentions:
Demon Seed – Proteus
Arnie – Terminator franchise

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We’ve never met Travis Wright, but we imagine that he hates you – otherwise he wouldn’t be deliberately provoking you like this.

You see, Travis Wright is one of the writers of Eagle Eye – the movie that’s top of the American box office despite looking like it was crapped out by a puppy with a gammy tummy – and for his next trick he says he’s working on a script for Blade Runner 2.

Obviously Travis Wright writing a Blade Runner 2 script is a terrible idea. Not because of the important cultural significance of the original or anything, though. No, we’re dead against the idea of Blade Runner 2 for one reason and one reason only – it’ll probably end up having bloody Shia LaBeouf in it, won’t it.

If you were to make a list of films that nobody should ever think about giving a sequel to, Blade Runner would be right at the top, along with The Godfather and James Bond. Blade Runner was an especially singular film; both direct enough to work as an action movie and vague enough for its audience to interpret it however it wanted. The last thing it needs is a sequel.

But tell that to Travis Wright, one of the co-writers of Eagle Eye. According to an email received by Slashfilm, he’s working on a sequel to Blade Runner himself right now:

“I recently attended a Q&A session with one of the writers of ‘Eagle Eye’ after a free screening organized by the magazine Creative Screenwriting. During the Q&A, the writer said that he and whomever it was that helped him co-write the ‘Eagle Eye’ screenplay were in the process of writing a sequel to Blade Runner, and had already contacted the producers of the original, etc.”

Best of all, according to the email, the full title of Wright’s script is Blade Runner 2: Meet The Deckards! and proposes that Eddie Murphy will star as all of Harrison Ford‘s extended family.

That’s a lie. Actually the Blade Runner 2 script is still going to be set in 2019, but with Phillip K Dick‘s technologically dystopian worldview reduced into something a bit more realistic-seeming to audiences of 2008. To mirror this, during the movie’s climax, when Harrison Ford kills another replicant who looks a bit like Rutger Hauer, the replicant gives this stirring soliloquy:

“I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. A cat in a shoe on the internet. A drunk man trying to bum a Landrover at lunchtime. A Nintendo Wii. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain…”

That’s a lie as well. In fact, by all accounts it seems as if Blade Runner 2 hasn’t got any sort of studio backing whatsoever, and that Travis Wright is just writing it in the dim hope that someone one day will want to pay for it.

That’s fairly unlikely to happen – not many people are stupid enough to want to sully a classic like Blade Runner with an rashly thought-out sequel – and so the fate of Blade Runner 2 is set.

It’ll be filmed in the woods on someone’s mobile phone and star a couple of blokes from accounts and the HR lady’s sister, the way all good sci-fi sequels should be.

Read more:

Exclusive: Eagle Eye Co-Writers Working on Blade Runner 2 – Slashfilm