Winners and losers.

Folded:

• The Hangover (out now on DVD and funnier than a dog with no legs)
• Be original; buy a BlackBerry (get the different one)
• The Thick of It (so many put downs you’ll wish you were back at school)
• Eggnog latte (from Starbucks where the staff are a hell of a lot nicer than the customers)
• Hair wax (shiny)

Creased:

• Putting up Christmas decorations (more fun than taking them down, but still less enjoyable than sitting around doing nothing)
• Be boring; buy an iPhone (get the better one)
• Poor Malcolm Tucker (dark, less funny times are ahead)
• Alesha Dixon: Who’s Your Daddy? (don’t know who your father is? You now have Alesha as your spokeswoman. How d’you feel about that?)
• Hair gel (greasy)

Until now, there has always been a fundamental difference between iPhone users and BlackBerry users.

And that was this – if you own a BlackBerry, you’re a serious, business-minded professional who favours practicality over aesthetic. And if you own an iPhone, you’re a smug little namby-pamby who wants to buy into a horrible fake lifestyle that’s been invented by an objectionable advertising man in a polo neck sweater. Have you got an iPhone? You have? Use it at Starbucks, do you? Listen to Feist on it, do you? You make us sick.

But now something terrible has happened. BlackBerry has started chasing the lifestyle market, too. We’re doomed.

Look, these are the facts. People don’t buy BlackBerrys to make up with their angry girlfriends or video breakdancers in garishly-lit subways or climb mountains. They don’t buy BlackBerrys because they love what they do. They buy Blackberrys so they can sit on cramped little trains on slate grey mornings and joylessly compose mind-numbingly dull emails about spreadsheets to people called Nigel in the misguided belief that doing so will somehow give them more time. Nobody buys BlackBerrys because they actually like them.

Someone should probably mention that to BlackBerry. Because, forget those adverts asking for your gold or the boy who wants to do a poo at Paul’s house, BlackBerry is responsible for the absolute worst advertising campaign in history. It was bad enough when a BlackBerry advert meant watching 30 seconds of a U2 song, but this?

This is appalling. Nobody who owns a BlackBerry can do ballet or write songs or design clothes. Nobody who own a BlackBerry has ever even experienced a single moment of happiness in their entire lives, to our knowledge. That indie rock version of All You Need Is Love doesn’t help, either – it’s precisely the sort of thing that’ll repel new customers and make existing customers shrivel up with burning shame. And we should know, because we’ve got one.

Look, BlackBerry, this iPhone envy has got to stop. No more U2. No more bad Beatles covers. No more smiling, faux-aspirational people in your adverts. It’s not what your customers want. They want something that’s sturdy, leaden and about as sexy as an animal cadaver.

Actually, we’ve just described U2, haven’t we? OK, sorry, ignore us.

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Jail has changed Foxy Brown, that’s for sure.

In the past, if anybody had been stupid enough to accuse Foxy Brown of any wrongdoing, they’d have to spend a week afterwards trying to pull their kneecaps out of their nostrils with a set of blood-splattered pliers.

But not any more. Now that she’s out of jail, Foxy Brown got to go to court to face charges over that time she punched her neighbour’s head in with a Blackberry. And rather than lie and gripe her way straight back to jail, Foxy Brown unusually pleaded guilty and apologised. So it finally looks as if Foxy Brown has learnt her lesson. That’s rubbish, what are we supposed to write about now?

It’s a sad day, really. It seems as though Foxy Brown is no longer the super-violent maniac she used to be. A while a go we’d be lucky to go a couple of days without hearing about how Foxy Brown had gone around kicking nail salon workers or starting a one-woman riot in a beauty supply store, but that’s all changed now.

Foxy Brown is now – gulp – pleading guilty to things she obviously did. It’s weird. It’s freaked us out a little.

Last year Foxy Brown got arrested for punching a woman in the face with a mobile phone, an incident which left the victim with a chipped tooth and a black eye. At the time Foxy Brown pleaded not guilty to the attack and things were left there, primarily because Foxy Brown was already in jail for being the world’s angriest woman.

However, her time in jail has made Foxy Brown see the light. Now that she’s free, Foxy was called into court again yesterday over the Blackberry incident and – rather than repeatedly change her story or fake a pregnancy to hope it’d keep her out of trouble as she’s done in the past – Foxy Brown was quick to plead guilty and apologise for being a bit mental. BBC News reports:

Appearing in a New York court, the 28-year-old admitted hitting Arlene Raymond during an argument over the volume of her car stereo last July. Brooklyn Supreme Court Judge John Walsh sentenced Marchand to time already served, issued an order of protection and ordered her to submit a letter of apology. In a hand-written note, the star said: “I apologize for the incident that occurred on 31 July 2007, in that I attempted to scare Arlene Raymond and place her in harm’s way.”

And immediately after admitting her crime, Foxy Brown left court and walked into the sunset to a chorus of chirping cartoon bluebirds and adorable baby deers dancing a happy little jig. For this, readers, is what happens when you’re so shit-scared of spending seven more years in jail that you’d admit to bloody anything.

It’s always a Blackberry, though, isn’t it? If a phone’s been used to smash someone in the face it’s always a Blackberry. God knows why – if Foxy Brown’s Blackberry is anything like ours, then she’d have kept pressing the stupid massive voice dialling button on the side by accident and the attack would have been punctuated by a stupid detached woman’s voice going “Say a command” again and again all the sodding time. Blackberries are stupid. No wonder Foxy Brown’s so angry all the time.

Anyway, the moral of the story is this – someone send us an iPhone.

Read more:

Foxy Brown guilty of phone charge - BBC News