Black Eyed Peas - HecklerSpray

Black Eyed Peas Have Now Sampled Every Song Ever Written

November 28th, 2011 By Michael Park

The Black Eyed Peas announcement of their hiatus was one of the most beautiful sounds ever to hit the human ear. Scientists have recently revealed that the announcement overtook such sounds as Verdi’s La Traviata and Margaret Thatcher’s resignation speech as one of the most delightful sounds ever uttered.

That was until they decided they would eventually come back.

As if it wasn’t bad enough that the multi-million selling idiot’s lantern known as the Black Eyed Peas were going to go and work on their own projects (which would presumably mean Fergie is working on yet another Golden Shower fetish video), frontfool William or Will.I.Am as wankily insists on being called told Ellen DeGeneres that they would be back in good time.

Black Eyed Peas Splitting Up After Completing Mission To Ruin Music Forever

November 23rd, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Have you noticed a trend in pop that sees artists sampling any old shit, rather than sourcing something that works right for a song? Eminem sampled Haddaway, Derulo used ‘Day-Oh (The Banana Boat Song)’ and Cher Lloyd unironically sang the tune from ‘Oh My Darling, Clementine’.

Who is to blame for this? The Black Eyed Peas, that’s who. Have you heard their use of ‘The Time Of My Life’? Crow-barred, lowest common denominating nonsense to provide modernity to familiarity, thereby, maximising sales and opportunities to get played at weddings and bar mitzvahs.

And now, having fully completed Operation Spoil Music For Everyone, they’re able to take a nice long break, knowing that their work is done. Seriously. They’re totally splitting up.

Black Eyed Peas Now Running Away From Michael Jackson Tribute As Fast As Their Little Legs Will Go

October 5th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Haw, poor Michael Forever. The beleaguered tribute show to Michael Jackson is about as useful as a teapot made from Rizla. Basically, half the family hate it, the other half performing at it, joined by a cast of also-rans and nobodies.

And now, someone you will have heard of – the Black Eyed Peas – have cancelled their scheduled appearance at this weekend’s concert at Cardiff’s Millennium Stadium due to “unavoidable circumstances”.

Those ‘circumstances’ seem to be a realisation that this is going to be the worst gig in the history of performing arts. Yes, that includes BEP’s Super Bowl halftime show.

The Black Eyed Peas Plan To Disown One Of Their Awful Songs

July 5th, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

Bands and gimmicks – who?d have thought that some artists use them as a fall back when we realise that the music they release is gash? Fake London type Pete Doherty has a hilarious heroin routine which sees him in constant bother with the local law enforcement. Elsewhere, X-Factor winner Leona Lewis continues in her quest to make a tin of paint seem more exciting than her personality.

So one band we can never work is American chumps The Black Eyed Peas. Fronted by a man whose mother has a terrible understanding of grammar, will.i.am and joined by Fergie, a woman who isn't shy of urinating herself on-stage for either her own sick pleasure, or fans of golden showers. Grammar and whizzing your pants. Some gimmick!

Anogther trick used by the band is to employ the thinking that using choruses from other people?s songs and releasing them for thick people to buy. However, one of their songs will never be played again. You see, ‘My Humps’ has gotten into all-sorts of complicated legal mishaps.

Black Eyed Peas To Make Awful, Awful Video Game

June 27th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

If the Black Eyed Peas brand of dreadful music wasn’t bad enough, they’re going to infect your games console by making a game for you to get furious with, leaving you kicking your controllers out of the window and throttling yourself with the plug flex.

That’s right! will.i.am, Fergie and the other two who don’t seem to do much will be prancing around in a game… but what will it be like?

Well, rumour has it that it’ll be one of those dreary things where you dance and singalonga to the monstrous hits they’ve made. However, if the developers are reading this, they should hear our ideas first because they’re miles better and guaranteed to make they game sell roughly a million less copies.

The Super Bowl Comes And Goes And The World Is Briefly United By A Hatred Of Black Eyed Peas

February 7th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

The Super Bowl is one of the most baffling and brilliant events in the calendar. Three hour long national anthems, jets flying overhead, pomp and more pomp, fireworks, halftime shows and roughly 7300 commercial breaks all herald the final of one of the slowest sports on Earth.

Effectively, American Football is crown-green bowling as played by robots and extras from The Salute Of The Jugger.

It was, of course, just the tonic we all needed. A game many of us don’t understand, yet, filled with enough pizazz to distract us from all the horrible things going on in the world (although, that said, the constant referring to war veterans, fighter jets, patriots and talk of exploding rockets in the Star Spangled Banner didn’t help). Last night saw the whole world united and speaking with one voice. It was a beautiful moment that brought many close to tears. As one, the world stood together and said in a single voice… “Fuck. The Black Eyed Peas are awful aren’t they?”

The Black Eyed Peas To Play Superbowl, Not That Anyone Cares Outside Of America

November 26th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

The Superbowl is one of the most peculiar spectacles on Earth. For a start, the whole world reports on it despite not even having the vaguest idea what is going on. Of course, the basic elements of American Football are incredibly easy to dissect. Get ball – score touchdown – wear helmet.

However, elsewhere, it’s utterly mystifying. Man shouts a series of numbers like he’s gone mad watching Lost, then, swings it under his gusset like bull’s bollocks, before handing it to someone who launches it toward a man who gets jumped on, leaving the commentators to say 96th, 3rd and down or something. Then they repeat the process and go to an ad-break.

The Superbowl of course, has the longest half-time break ever (it lasts for approximately 42 hours) and has bands on while the fans run on the pitch. For a bit. And this year, the entertainment will be in the shape of The Black Eyed Peas.

will.i.am Doesn’t Think Much of the New Michael Jackson Album

August 3rd, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

Michael Jackson’s corpse has had an incredibly busy time of things hasn’t it? First, his ghost appeared on some news programme in America, as well as appearing under a giant silver cloche at his mind-melting send-off that was televised and sneered at by Trevor Nelson. Then everyone poked at it in their minds like an open sore so they could cry all over again whilst listening to Man in the Mirror.

Now he’s got a new album coming out! He’s like Tupac or something! And it already has a bad review!

Black Eyed Peas thingy (singer? Rapper?) will.i.am has insisted that an album of unreleased Michael Jackson songs should not be put out.

Another Black Eyed Pea Wants To Get In Cheryl Cole’s Knickers

June 21st, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

Everyone loves Cheryl Cole – what with her shiny hair, impenetrable regional accent and fondness for morons.

She’s adorable. Cheryl Cole is so adorable, in fact, that the Black Eyed Peas are quickly falling under her spell. There have long been rumours that Will.I.Am and Cheryl Cole either had or are having some sort of romance, and now his bandmate Fergie has joined the party by admitting a crush on Cheryl too. Cheryl’s a lucky woman – what we wouldn’t give to be wooed by an occasionally incontinent bisexual former meth addict.

So that’s half of the Black Eyed Peas who now love Cheryl Cole. Maybe more – for all we know the other two could be in love with her as well. It’s hard to say for sure, though, because we don’t know how they feel. Or what their names are. Or what they look like, actually.

Nobody Good Gets Nominated For A Grammy

December 3rd, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

When historians look back on 2009, beyond the wars and the recessions, they’ll see that it was a good year for music.

Actually, that’s a lie. They’ll see that it was a terrible year for music. But at least it was a good year for music awards shows. So far we’ve had Kanye West breaking Taylor Swift‘s heart in front of the world at the MTV VMAs and, even better, a full-on gay kiss and Michael Jackson winning all sorts of stuff he wasn’t qualified for at the AMAs. Top that, Grammys.

What’s that? You can’t? You’re just going to nominate Beyonce, Taylor Swift and the Black Eyed Peas for everything and then slink off into the background? Oh, OK.