Picture the scene. You’re in a band and just finished recording an album that in your opinion might just bring every music fan to their knees, trembling in awestruck appreciation of what’s just entered their eardrums.

The record company mightn’t however appreciate the effort which has cost thousands to record and produce. So another cash cow is needed to claw back the money; merchandise.

We’ve all done it when going through the phase of loving one particular band a little too much. Posters, clothes, and stickers are the norm for pop acts, but for artists a little bit more experimental, all sorts of weird and wonderful extras can be found either with the record itself, or as part of a lavish boxset.

We’ve rifled through our own record collection and looked online to find artists offering more than just a bonus CD of demo tracks and videos for the songs on the album.

Is that alright?

Well thank you very much.

Cuh.

Here goes.

Lemon Jelly – Soft Rock 7”

A self-released single due to the band not bothering with sample clearance from Chicago and Black Crowes. Producing ambient electronica with a fun and accessible edge, Fred Deakin (who also runs design studio Airside) decided to do away with the boring 7” sleeve by housing the initial copies in denim sleeves with a condom in the pocket. Copies of the single unsurprisingly fetch less if the rubber addition is missing. Still, that’s no reason to go getting pregnant.

Venetian Snares – A Giant Alien Force More Violent & Sick Than Anything You Can Imagine

The music itself might sound like the demonic din of pots and pans shoved in a washing machine and set on a vigorous spin cycle, but this release had a very different look and style. Housed in a 3″ CD box, a custom-made Viewmaster TV Box can be found with a selection of images. Something to keep you occupied while your ears are being brutalised.

Pigeon* – Mouldy Dough (The Official V/Vm Anthem)

Stockport’s ‘First Lord of Illegal Manipulation of Other Peoples’ Works’, presented the anthem for his more popular moniker, V/VM. Often churning out screeches and wails of punishing white noise that is almost immediately branded shit, we can only assume that Mr V/VM decided to literally give something back to his harsher critics. Alongside the 7” single there’s a zip-lock bag containing a piece of pigeon poo and feather. Strictly limited to 100 copies.

Bjork – Biophilla

We know Bjork is a bit mental and will attack you in an airport if provoked but the luxury boxset for her new album is for the hardcore only. For £500 you’ll get amongst other items, a luxury oak box with the main album, an alternative version, extensive sleevenotes pressed on special paper and most importantly; 10 chrome-plated tuning forks. Why? We don’t know. Why not?

Rammstein – Liebe Ist Fur Alle Da

For their 2009 album release, Rammstein decided to release something that is literally a load of bollocks. The angry Germans decided to release a special box-set that comes with six dildos, a pair of handcuffs and some lube. Perfect for those who really love music and Rammstein. We’re unsure if the dildos are moulds of the bands penises but if it helps, you can pretend that they are moulds of the many penises of Editor Mof.

The Kiss Kasket

Everyone knows that Kiss are a simple bunch and just want to rock all night and party everyday. But why stop rocking in the afterlife? Gene Simmons and co created the Kiss Kasket. He said “this is the ultimate Kiss collectible. I love livin’, but this makes the alternative look pretty damn good. And if buying it seemed like a lousy investment, it has the dual use of a being fridge. Perfect for beer and corpse storage.

Found – Anti Climb Paint

A 7” single, made completely out of chocolate. Best kept in the fridge than on a record shelf. Supposedly lasts ten plays before melting, dissolving or breaking the needle on your turntable. Nice.

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Bjork – she of many haircuts, birthing aquatic creatures in arthouse films and fan of releasing singles on 40 formats at once – has a new tune coming out called Crystalline and, yes divs, we’re telling you about it because you can hear it here.

Now, you’ll have to click over the jump to listen to it… which we shouldn’t really have told you because it means you’re now not reading these words.

We put a lot of effort into these words y’know? You don’t care. You just care about stupid Bjork and her stupid music. We thought you were all into Nicola Roberts’ ‘Beat Of My Drum’ these days. We don’t know.

Anyway, here’s a 30 second video teaser from her upcoming single ‘Crystalline’, which will feature on the new long-player, ‘Biophilia’.

Bjork wrote a little message on her Facebook to her fans about the track, which read:

“Hi, Bjork here. I guess it’s time to let you know about my first song from Biophilia, Crystalline. It will appear towards the end of June.”

Watch it below or, if you really hate our font or something, watch it on Bjork’s official site where all the other sycophants will be fawning all over it saying it’s the greatest thing they’ve ever heard, while casting dispersions on Lady GaGa or something.

Predictable hammer-brained pus bags.

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10 - Genuinely not a clue what this is, but can there be a British spin-off please?…

9 – The internet’s greatest hits - TIME

8 – Behind the scenes of Lesbian Vampire Killers – Greenroom

7 - How old are your ears? – Trihorn

6 – Kate Moss wears some sort of awful beard as a coat – Popsugar

5 - Official: Bjork is adorable. Bjork describing television operation is ADORABLE – YouTube

4 - A 90mph motorbike crash, with helmet-cam – I Am Bored

3 – The best last great roles ever - EW

2 - The Watchmen movie isn’t very good, then – Joblo

1 – 20 horrifying photos of Ronald McDonald – Unrealitymag

We like to voice our opinion. If there’s something we don’t like, we will act. As a matter of fact it happened last week. We successfully got the local café to stop using bacon that had been dropped on the floor in sandwiches.

Whilst our campaign was a small victory, someone had to try and do something better. And it was only bloody Bjork, who went out of her to try and make a difference to someone. However, in stark contrast between ourselves and the Icelandic pop queen, she didn’t really do much good. Instead of helping, she fucked off the whole of China and consequently the government there now wants to stop foreign artists entering the country.

Well done Bjork! 

China is known for a lot of interesting cultural aspects. For instance, its terracotta army that will sort you out if you step out of line, its big fuck-off wall, its numbers 16, 33 and 56 which can be found at any tasty Chinese takeaway establishment, its knock-off designer goods from the likes of Rebook, Neek, Louise Vitton and Kalven Cleen and its job of hosting the upcoming Olympic games where America will win everything. 

However, one of the biggest aspects of China is its rather rocky relationship with Tibet. We won’t bore you with a full-blown history lesson but, in a nutshell, China owns Tibet’s ass. A lot of people see China’s control of Tibet as slightly wrong and various campaigns have started and ended to free the country. On the other hand, China deems any talk of this subject as a big no no. In its eyes, Tibet is quite happy being under the thumb of China.  

Amongst other things, China is very strict on its own media and bans any public opinion on such hot topics as Tibet. Likewise, the country rarely lets western bands in to play in case they breach the censorship laws. Despite this, the Chinese government recently asked Bjork to come and entertain a few people. It went slightly tits up. 

At a recent gig in Shanghai, the singer and part-time airport fighter simply set the following: 

“Tibet, Tibet.” 

It may not seem like much, but it was enough to offend the government. The ministry for culture in China said Bjork “broke Chinese law and hurt Chinese people's feelings” and pledged to:

"Further tighten controls. We will further tighten controls on foreign artists performing in China in order to prevent similar cases from happening in the future. We shall never tolerate any attempt to separate Tibet from China and will no longer welcome any artists who deliberately do this."  

Obviously, the Chinese have not yet developed tiny police officers who can fly into people's heads and control what comes out of their mouths. So it was highly possible Bjork would say something that could ruffle a few aromatic duck feathers. And, unlike Bono, Bjork has admitted that she wasn’t a part time politician and was simply expressing human emotions. Just coincidentally in China where the subject of Tibet is a wee bit iffy. If she had been slagging off kebabs at an English gig, we may have reacted in a similar way to the Chinese. 

And Bjork’s punishment for her wrong doings? A warning of being banned in China if she does it again. Whilst that’s nothing too extreme, it is important to note that the country wants to tighten the influx of foreign artists due to her actions. Just in case they say Tibet.

This ultimately means that the population of China will never see the likes of Keane, Scouting For Girls and The Feeling grace their country. Actually, that’s not such a bad deal. Where can we sign up for citizenship?

Read more: 

China to crack down on pop stars - BBC

History exists to teach us one thing and one thing alone – you don't talk to Bjork after she's just got off a plane.

12 years after pounding a Thai news reporter in an airport just for having the temerity to welcome her to the country, it looks like Bjork is at it again. A photographer from New Zealand is claiming that Bjork attacked him after she landed at Auckland airport on Friday, destroying his T-shirt.

Subsequently, passengers have been advised to stay away from all airports during the year 2020 regardless, unless they're carrying mace, a taser or some kind of pixie-battering truncheon.

Flying does funny things to people, whether it makes them constantly talk to the stranger next to them even though they obviously just want some peace and quiet, spend the entire flight bolt upright with their seatbelt on convinced that every judder of turbulence means that the massively heavy hulk of metal they're riding in will nosedive into the ground at a million miles per hour or, if you're Heather Mills, dance up and down the aisles like a goon.

But nobody – honestly, nobody in the history of mankind – hates flying as much as Bjork does. For example, in 1996 when a reporter greeted Bjork to Thailand with the phrase "Welcome to Bangkok," Bjork responded in a way that can only be described as 'batshit'. Look…

And now it seems as if Bjork has been at it again. On Friday Bjork touched down in Auckland for the Big Day Out festival where she's performing alongside Rage Against The Machine and LCD Soundsystem. And, although he was asked not to take pictures of Bjork in the airport, photographer Glenn Jeffrey ignored this request and got battered by an Icelandic midget as a result. According to Jeffrey:

"As I turned and walked away [Bjork] came up behind me, grabbed the back of my black skivvy and tore it. As she did this she fell over, she fell to the ground. At no stage did I touch her or speak with her… I don't see being assaulted as I'm working as a press photographer as an acceptable thing. If anybody assaults anybody you have the right to a legal recourse, whoever they are."

Bjork has yet to comment on this alleged attack, and even once she has it might be weeks or months before experts have managed to decode her confusing mixture of cockney, New York slang, impish Icelandic and irregular atonal yowls into something appropriating a coherent sentence.

And a video of this Bjork-attack apparently exists as well, ready for police review. Don't expect it to show up on YouTube any time soon, though, because New Zealand hasn't got round to adopting the internet yet. Or TV. In fact, New Zealand is so technologically backwards that last year a native won an entertainment technology award for inventing the flickbook, even though the rest of the world already invented it years ago, even in poor countries like Africa.

But, still, at least Bjork's demented airport rampage has mixed up the 'Top Three Interesting Facts About New Zealand' list. Now it reads 1) Lord Of The Rings was made there, 2) Bjork battered a photographer there, 3) People in New Zealand all think that thunder is caused by God banging two clouds together.

Previously it was 1) Lord Of The Rings was made there, 2) People in New Zealand all think that thunder is caused by God banging two clouds together.

Read more:

Bjork rips into Kiwi - E! Online