Right. Here’s the future. In the year 200andGoogleitbecausewedidnot, once all the disinfectant from Leona Lewis’ Olympic Opening Ceremony Performance has sterilized Britain, there is to be some exciting news. Naomi Watts is going to do exactly what Meryl Streep has just done here in 2012.

But she’s going to do it slightly more creepier – and be all PRINCESS DIANA and everything.

Okay. Quick reminder on who Princess Diana is, just before everyone jumps on the bandwagon and starts holding aloft an ironic piece of bunting with a smashed arm of a princess on it or something.

So, Princess Diana was a woman, who married a man whom she did not love (That’s Prince Charles, that guy who once stood 20 miles from a working class civilian and didn’t complain about it at all) Alas, it didn’t work out – both parties allegedly got off with other people, and it was all a bit of a car crash to be honest.

It doesn’t really matter who Princess Diana was. Suffice to say her buttocks was not as pert as Pippa Middleton, she just contributed to various charities instead. Charities are like Children in Need, but they give the money to impoverished minorities, rather than a hedge fund for Terry Wogan’s minibar, per se. Like we say, it doesn’t really matter what charity is or indeed represents.

Here’s the lowdown on this Princess Diana biopic. Obviously, you all know how to type in ‘IMDB’ into Google, but you’re here now – and god, we may as well, right? The wonderlist for Completely Undocumented Life of Princess Diana is as follows:

NAOMI WATTS – PRINCESS DIANA
WHOEVER THE HELL WROTE ‘THE LIBERTINE?’ – SCREENWRITER

The power troupe of Hollywood there, in full force as per usual. The Breakfast Club of our hearts. The Emilio Estevez of our chronic loneliness. (Or ‘Paula Abdul’ if you want the clinical terminology)

Upon the casting, Naomi Watts said quite a large quantity of things about trophy polish and ‘must get a new diaphragm for Elton’s after-party’, but once we breezed past all that, the gist appears to be:

“It is such an honour to be able to play this iconic role – Princess Diana was loved across the world and I look forward to rising to the challenge of playing her on screen.”

Congratulations Naomi Watts! THIS IS ALL SO INCREDIBLY NECESSARY.

One mild concern – who’s going to play Cat Deeley in the crucial Paul Burrell performing terrifying the Chicago soundtrack with the vigour of a repressed 70s Gimp Candyman on Stars in Their Eyes scene?

Bit worried.

Sir Elton John, formerly bald, is planning to make a film about his life. And boy what a life! All that having sex and taking drugs! The travelling around the world! The outfits! That bit when he wrote that song.

The trips to the hairdressers too! Amazing.

And so, talking about this flick, Elt’ has named Justin Timberlake as his “number one” choice. They do look like each other don’t they? No. Not at all. That’s the answer you’re looking for.

Yeah. You heard.

Elton John (real name Method Man) is moving forward with his plans to turn his life into a movie-musical with a little help from his film producer partner David Furnish and Billy Elliot writer Lee Hall.

The Rocketman movie is going to tell the story of Elton’s life and career through his music. Obviously, he didn’t write the words for his songs, but y’know, it’ll do.

And Sir Elton wants Justin Timberlake to tackle the lead role.

He told the LA Times:

“(It is) very much in the works. We’re making an announcement about that very, very soon. We have a director on board, and then it’s just going to be a matter of getting the script exactly the way we want it…

“I’ve got a wish list of people (for the lead role). Number one on my wish list is Justin Timberlake, because he played me before in a David LaChapelle video… and was superb.”

Watch it here and try and work out what’s going on with Timberlake’s jaw and teeth.

Donald Trump is a man of many talents; he pioneered the modern day comb over, he discovered that President Obama was actually a Senegalese street cleaner called Babacar Ousamane, causing him to resign from the Presidency and is rumoured to have been the man who killed Kim Jong-il, with a Chuck Norris style roundhouse.

But now, ‘The Donald,’ as he is known, has made his most audacious claim yet, he (and he alone) is personally responsible for the meteoric rise to fame of the 21^st Century musical behemoth, Lady Gaga.

That’s right, if it wasn’t for Donald Trump the world would never have been subjected to the second coming of Madonna.

Top man Trump, stated that it was his choice to have Gaga perform during the 2008 Miss Universe pageant. The resulting performance that she put on got tongues wagging, with people all over the world reportedly not talking about the pageant because they were too busy wondering who that entertainer was.

Naturally there was no mention of the fact that Gaga’s inaugural performance came just after the crucial Miss Universe Wank Threshold. After which it’s assumed that any and all viewers have finally reached their climax and so they’d better wheel out the performing monkey to distract them and give them a little bit of time to recover.

America’s answer to Lord Sugar wasn’t done there though.

Now that he’s successfully managed to convince everyone that he brought us Gaga, instead of simply being a bit gaga, Trump has begun work on his next outlandish claim.

Rumours have been circling Stateside that Trump is planning to claim that he is in fact the man in the moon, having acquired the advertising rights after a hostile takeover of NASA that took place just before they had to scrap the space shuttle program.

Finding a man to play Michael Jackson in a biopic is no easy task. Listen, LaToya Jackson is surely not in the picture, despite being MJ’s reanimated corpse. Think about it. You need someone who vaguely looks like the former King of Pop.

Naturally, what with Michael going from handsome black man to Roswell white man, there’s not many people who are up to the task, unless someone creates some ET/human/chameleon hybrid.

However, seeing as a Michael Jackson biopic is in the pipeline, there’s actors being touted to guzzle Propofol like UHT milk. And oddly, most of them are white.

Weirdly enough, Johnny Depp has been made the favourite to play Jackson in a film that will be made by Ghostbusters producers Ivan Reitman and Tom Pollock. Let us hope that their ghost enthusiasm hasn’t waned and they include that amazing MJ seance held by Derek Acorah when he channelled Mike and said ‘Say hi to Quincy Jones for me.’

Anyway, bookmakers Paddy Power opened betting and Depp ran away with a hilarious lead with odds of 4/1 with other big white names like High School Musical’s Zac Effron getting odds at 9/2 and Justin Timberlake at 12/1.

Will Smith and Usher have also been mentioned too, but that kinda spoils our angle on the article.

Sharon McHugh, spokesperson for Paddy Power, said in a statement:

“It’s going to be one mammoth task trying to get someone good enough at acting and dancing to fill Michael Jackson’s moon-walking shoes but when it comes to the race we’re betting it don’t matter if he’s black or white!”

Jesus Christ. Anyway, one person who has been cruelly overlooked is the marvellously odd Eddie Murphy who is certainly not averse to playing different characters with different faces. Better yet, he’s got form when it comes to singing bad synth-soul!

Check this out. He could totally do a Jamie Foxx when he played Ray Charles and sing the OST!

And, even BETTER than that, Eddie Murphy has links to Michael Jackson. Yes, he appeared in one of MJ’s videos (Do You Remember The Time), but Jackson appeared on one of Eddie’s singles from ’93.

Yes he did. And boy howdy, you’ll laugh when you see this video. Eddie dressed up like he’s just been kicked out of the Blue Oyster club and Jackson looking as ghoulish as ever!

Enjoy this one and start putting your money on Eddie Murphy playing Jackson in his biopic. Oh, and Carlton from the Fresh Prince to play Sexy Conrad Murray, please.

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Normally when we see the ridiculous antics of groups of girls and younger gays on Twitter, clubbing together to form an online “army” and ruining Trending Topics for everyone, we usually want them all to die in a Lady Gaga inspired fire.

There’s armies for One Direction, Justin Bieber, Cheryl Cole; if you’re a modern popstar cum bumwipe, chances are you’ll have yourself an army of devoted fans eventually.

But what happens when Armies turn bad? Well, that’s what Adele is finding out as she is getting some awful things said about her over Twitter recently. Truthful and hilarious, but still awful things.

So what’s got the Gaga Army all riled? Well, Adele’s success apparently. Both the stars are up for one of those fancy award thingies (like the one that we won for being the Best Celebrity Blog Ever) to become the bestselling artist IN THE WORLD.

Alarmingly, Adele has overtaken Lady Gaga and sold one in 10 records this year. That means that not only will Adele have a rotten amount of money and we’ve got to wipe our derrieres on old copies of the News Of The World, but that 10% of all record buying peoples are clearly dicks.

Bet they all tell everyone to shut up when ‘Someone Like You’ comes on and call it ‘their song.’ Even though it’s about having an unwanted love for someone. It’s hardly the most romantic of songs. It’s the thing of violent revenge attacks. It’s literally the soundtrack to Raoul Moat’s life.

It also means that it looks like Lady Gaga will be losing out to the eclair-loving songstress.

So what do the ‘Little Monsters’, the ridiculous name given to Lady Gaga fans, do? Congratulate the “talented” singer about her success and hope her the very best in her future endeavours? Of course not. They’ve been slating her with some hilari- sorry, horrible comments. The best we’ve seen is

“Confirmed: Gaga will not be wearing her meat dress because she is afraid Adele will eat it.”

Which is funny, because it could possibly be the truth. Cheryl Cole is thinking twice about wearing her choux pastry hat with sugar strand shoulder pads for the occasion.

Obviously we would normally only criticise someone because they’ve been attacking their girlfriend Chris Brown style, or if they make Moves (on children) Like Jackson, but we do have a special bucket of hate for Adele, with her depressingly mainstream pop songs that everyone loves all the time and that she’s basically stealing the shtick of most soul stars for the past sixty years.

But we wouldn’t change a thing Adele, mainly because seeing people get harassed on Twitter can be sometimes hilarious, and is a lovely way to spend time on the toilet.

Especially during a ‘distress poo.’

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Apple geeks around the world were united in grief last week when Apple announced that Steve Jobs had suffered a fatal 404 error and couldn’t be restarted. Whilst a replacement for Steve Jobs had already been secured so Apple can dominate the market with sleek and flashy products that’ll require a replacement six months later, we don’t care about that.

It’s all about tie-in movie deals that are coming soon thanks to Sony snapping up the rights.

Total Film published a list of actors who they thought could play the billionaire tech lord throughout his reign at the helm of Appple. After Justin Timberlake successfully played Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg and won countless awards due to his uncanny resemblance to everyone’s favorite social network poster boy, we figured we’d think about those who should really play Jobsy.

A biopic of Steve Jobs is screaming out for high profile actors to play him in multiple life stages. But surely they’d all be busy on other projects and unable to make the movie set. Bearing that in mind, these are the people we’d cast, surely securing us an Oscar.

Michael Stipe

Some word argue that Michael Stipe made a career out of penning feelgood indie hit with Muppets. But in actual fact, he resembles a decaying onion who panics when the sun shines for too long and when a gust a wind threatens to blow off a layer of his skin. This is the real reason why REM broke up. Basically, they look EXACTLY THE SAME.

Michael Jackson

Following a semi-successful music career, coming second to his sibling Latoya, Michael took a turn for the worst following the day Pepsi set him on fire. If there’s a bigger reason not to get hooked on drugs, the image of a once proud man was reverted to that of someone who needed his nose stapled to his face on a daily basis. BASICALLY, THEY LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME.

Mr Burns

Steve Jobs came over as a kind and caring boss who’d personally hug all his employees when they clocked off at the shift. But behind closed doors, we imagine he’d threaten to kill staff members partners if they didn’t churn out the blueprints for a brand new iToaster that contained 400GB of memory and was so small that you could only fit specially baked Apple bread inside. BASICALLY, THEY LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME. (Also, Jobs could come back as iMogul in the same way Burnsy became a cyborg looking for Bo Bo).

C3PO

Perhaps one for the biopic’s closing credits as we take a look in to what the future of Steve Jobs had in store. Due to Apple physically being unable to make a thinner or faster product, Jobs took it upon himself to become the first iHuman. Proving he can wear more than a black turtle-neck jumper and dodgy jeans, it’s time for Jobs to camp it up with a space age gold suit equipped with gadgets we can’t comprehend. He’s just trying to seduce R2D2 who looks like an Apple product anyway. BASICALLY, THEY LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME.

Danny Dyer

When not talking about cutting up ex-girlfriends faces in magazines or meeting the world’s deadliest men, he’ll take any film work going. Usually, playing a comedy gangster, it seems about time for Danny to take on a serious role. Essentially, our cockney friend can’t lose as he’ll crack the American market and gain future roles in films such as American Pie 743: Urgh Is That What It Really Looks Like? BASICALLY, THEY…ER, NEVER MIND.

Jet Li

Watching Steve Jobs slowly wilt away was an awful thing to witness. Especially when he could have gone to the App store and downloaded a guide on combating fatal illnesses. In the film’s flashback scene which sees Jobs fully functioning, people deserve to see a man who could dispose of a gang of Microsoft ninjas who’d attempt to invade the Apple offices and steal secrets about product that make the average Apple customer even smugger. BASICALLY, THEY LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME.

Mr Moneybags

Penetrated the African market? Excellent, go collect a trillion dollars of pure profit from vastly overpriced products that do the same as every other computer on the market. But because Apple release white and shiny items, consumers become part of a strange cult who whoop and cheer whenever a new software download comes out. Steve Jobs must have spent time masturbating over piles of cash in his office. BASICALLY, THEY LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME.

Morgan Freeman

Steve Jobs was considered cool, a rarity really as anyone who works with computers and technology is deemed to be a friendless nerd who gets aroused by a sexy line of binary code. It’s fact that Morgan Freeman is the ultimate image of cool and everyone wants to be him. He’d get the narration job on this movie without having to turn up to auditions. BASICALLY, THEY LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME.

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Lady GaGa is a woman obsessed by fame. She loves it. She likes the idea, the smell, the taste and the lumpy feel of it. She would wouldn’t she? She hasn’t been famous long enough to become jaded by the idea.

It’s all one big, vague art project to her.

And despite the fact she’s only been famous for the blink of a mayfly’s eye, that hasn’t stopped people wanting to cash in on her own clamber to the top of the popular culture pole. Let it be noted that by ‘pole’, we mean a long, slippery stick rather than a man from Warsaw. If becoming famous was as simple as humping a Polish gentleman, we’d all be at it, right? Just us? Oh.

Anyway, some jerks who work for American television have decided to make a new film which chronicles Lady GaGa’s rise to fame and fortune.

Just in time for everyone going cool on her. Seriously. We haven’t heard from her for a while and god knows our attention spans are shorter than Mike Tyson’s fuse.

Either way, executives at the Lifetime network are developing Fame Monster: The Lady Gaga Story, which will show Stefani Germanotta’s transformation from jobbing songwriter to full-on LOOK AT ME pop star.

The TV film (the new ‘straight-to-video’) will be based on Maureen Callahan’s 2010 book Poker Face: The Rise And Rise Of Lady Gaga and the script will be written by Norman Snider, who penned Kevin Spacey’s 2010 movie Casino Jack.

Lady Gaga is not involved in the project, so it can’t be that good.

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Marvin Gaye, one of the greatest soul singers who graced our undeserving ears, is going to be the subject of a new biopic directed by Julien Temple. Hardly surprising that someone would want to make a film about him with the life he had!

Professionally speaking, Marvin Gaye went from being a great pop star to a socially aware, right-on soul preacherman. From the glorious two-minuters of ‘It Takes Two’ and ‘Heard It Through The Grapevine’, to the far-reaching LPs of ‘What’s Going On’ and ‘Let’s Get It On’, Gaye covered a lot of ground.

However, away from the microphone and piano stool, Gaye had a soap opera of a life which belied the control he had musically. While ‘Inner City Blues’ confidently went about changing people’s perceptions of what black music could offer the world, Gaye couldn’t hope for a stable private life.

Gaye’s relationship with other humans was complicated. He married twice, first hitching up with his boss’ – Berry Gordy, lord and master of Motown – sister, before the marriage imploded after Marvin began stepping out with (the very attractive) Janis Hunter. He promptly went about making his split from Gordy’s sister all the more problematic by making a sleazy disco LP called ‘I Want You’ about his relationship with Janis.

Of course, that marriage exploded within a year.

Gaye’s relationship with Tammi Terrell would also define him. The pair enjoyed great success as a duo, cut savagely short when Terrell collapsed on-stage in Gaye’s arms, brought on by a brain tumour that would eventually kill her. Let us not forget Gaye’s troubles with alcohol and drugs. Marvin had a coke-habit you could see from space.

But of course, the most defining relationship was the one Marvin had with his father.

Gaye had made a successful comeback with ‘Sexual Healing’, despite the fact his mental and physical condition was spiralling out of control. Isolating himself at his parents’ home in LA, groupies and dealers still continually tried to reach the singer, leaving Gaye trying to commit suicide on numerous occasions.

Then, on April Fool’s Day, 1984, Gaye’s father fatally shot him with a gun bought for him by his famous son, after a heated argument about money.

Phew and phew, eh? It’s hardly surprising that British director Julien Temple wants to make a film of Gaye’s life.

It isn’t clear how much ground the film will cover or who might take on the role of Marvin himself. One thing  is for certain, there’s enough personal turmoil in Gaye’s life to make a ripsnorting film.

More when we get it.

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You may well dislike Lindsay Lohan for the way she’s chosen to live her life, but really, lets be honest here, she’s great because she’s so trashy. A bisexual drug hoover who gets into all kinds of scrapes. What’s not to like?

Sadly, she’s been caught be the law and violated probation, which means she’ll have to come away from all this all evangelical and grown-up. That’s no fun at all.

And sadly, despite previous promises that the production of Linda Lovelace biopic ‘Inferno’ was waiting for her to get better, director Matthew Wilder has now stated that the movie will now be shooting without Lohan.

Says Wilder:

“We are withdrawing our offer from Lindsay Lohan. We are currently in negotiations [with another actress] and working out the legalities of bringing her onboard.”

“We have stuck by Lindsay very patiently for a long time with a lot of love and support. Ultimately, the impossibility of insuring her—and some other issues—have made it impossible for us to go forward.”

This is a shame because Lohan’s trashiness could have made Inferno a really fun film to watch. Sadly, she’s going to be in the Betty Ford Center while filming goes ahead.

That said, it is rumoured that Lohan wasn’t happy with the way the film was going anyway.

The ubiquitous source says:

“She wanted them to tone down a lot of the racy scenes. It wasn’t going to be good for her to play someone with substance issues when she is going through her own recovery.”

And so, it seems that the actress taking over the role, Malin Ackerman, doesn’t have a problem with the sex scenes. What’s that? Who is Malin Ackerman?

She’s the blonde bombshell from movies like ’27 Dresses’, ‘Watchmen’ and ‘Heartbreak Kid’.

TMZ have some promo pictures of Lohan in the Lovelace role, leaving us to imagine what could’ve been. Click here to see them.

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Phil Spector is a great example of a person that should be divorced from the music he made. Basically, he’s a hideous prick… but some of the productions he gave us are magnificent. Of course, he’s not the only nasty shit that had a hand in great records, but he is a proper bastard.

As such, demented people like Mr Wall of Sound are much more interesting and thereby more likely to have films made of them. Can you imagine a biopic of Taylor Swift? It’d be 3 hours of someone saying “…which was nice”, apart from the brief Kanye appearance which, “turned out okay in the end.”

So who would play Phil Spector in a film? Would you need a separate team just to control his gigantic wigs? Well, Al Pacino is reported to be staring as the controversial music producer who is currently serving life in prison for murder.

If the idea of a  biopic about Spector’s life isn’t intriguing enough, the addition of Pacino makes it even more interesting. Pacino has apparently said he finds Spector a ‘very interesting character’. He means ‘absolutely barking mental’. Read between the lines folks.

In addition to this, the biopic is being made by HBO Films. We’re legally obliged by the Those In The Know Board to say that HBO is really cool and made The Wire. Even though The Wire really wasn’t that great.

If you don’t know what Spector did, in his prime, he was behind some of the best pop songs ever made. We’re talking The Ronettes’ ‘Be My Baby’, the Righteous Brothers’ ‘You’ve Lost That Loving Feelin’ and The Beatles’ ‘Let It Be’ album.

We all know that Spector was fond of sticking guns in people’s faces… just ask The Ramones who Spector was particularly fond of sticking a barrel in the faces of… and, well, he stuck a gun in the face of Lana Clarkson and, in what would be his downfall, pulled the trigger too.

At the time, he allegedly told one reporter:

“She kissed the gun.”

That’s a little too close to notorious Spector production hit, ‘He Hit Me (And It Felt Like A Kiss)’ for our liking. Spector was a maverick in the studio and chilling in the flesh. It’s little wonder that there’s someone as big as Pacino lining up to play him.

However, Pacino is certainly too old to play a young Phil Spector if the film is to cover his entire life.

The as yet untitled film is said currently in development stages and no release date has been given. Whenever it comes out, it will attract a lot of attention, no questions.

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Sacha Baron Cohen is taking a step away from mocking the working classes of various countries in an attempt to ultimately make stupid people look even stupider on the screen (obviously, we’re talking about Ali G and Borat here) in favour of playing Freddie Mercury.

This is the latest in a long line of Let’s Flog The Dead Horse That Is Queen, thanks to the surviving group member’s lack of talent.

Unless, of course, you count Brian May’s penchant for wearing clogs and notoriously having curly hair a ‘talent’.

Brian May, who used to be married to the female version of himself – Angie Watts (real name Angie Watts), told the HARDtalk show:

“We have Sacha Baron Cohen, which will probably be a shock to a lot of people, but he’s been talking with us for a long time.”

The film will focus on the period leading up to Live Aid in 1985 and will begin shooting next year. Presumably then, it’ll miss out all the really fun and interesting things from Freddie’s life, like the decadent parties of the ’70s and his terrible fall to an AIDS related illness.

Mercifully, this won’t be some self-congratulatory Fredfest as May added:

“I think we’ll try and keep ourselves out of it as much as we can.”

May and Queen drummer Roger Taylor are going oversee music featured in the film, which will include songs by the band and by Mercury as a solo performer. Basically then, they’ll be making a CD comp and sending it to someone and saying ‘Include these’.

Graham King, of GK Films, which is co-producing the movie along with Robert De Niro and Jane Rosenthal’s production company Tribeca, said Queen was “a music brand all unto itself”.

“Freddie Mercury was an awe-inspiring performer so with Sacha in the starring role, coupled with Peter’s screenplay and the support of Queen, we have the perfect combination to tell the real story behind their success.”

Confusingly, Morgan has previously worked on The Queen. Yeah. The other one. He also worked on Frost/Nixon. One thing that should be interesting about this one is whether Baron Cohen will be sporting the kind of teeth that see people wondering about folks eating apples through tennis rackets.

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Pubeless girls the world over are currently getting their school bags in a twist over absolutely any snippet of news or information concerning Justin Bieber. Only yesterday, Bieber considered having a look at his Twitter feed whilst on the pan, curling one out, and the internet actually set on fire. This, of course, means that people like us shamelessly latch on to this in the hope that someone might read our stupid words as well.

So what’s going on then? We’ve got pictures of Justin Bieber naked? We’ve got news that he is in fact having sex with a variety of barnyard animals because he hates humans so much that he actually has to get up early in a morning to cram all the loathing in?

Of course not. That’s just silly talk. He is, in fact, going to start in a film.

Yes ladies… once you’ve finished screaming your lungs up through your tear-ducts, you’ll know that Justin Bieber is going to star as himself in a 3D biopic from Oscar-winning An Inconvenient Truth director Davis Guggenheim.

That’ll be a challenging role for him won’t it?

The As-Yet-Untitled-Movie will include performance and tour footage of the prancing pre-born spliced together with a narrative exploring his life story.

It will probably go something like this: ‘I was born and, well, that was a matter of minutes ago so… yeah! Here I am! Any of you ladies want to nibble on my umbilical cord?‘

Bieber recently divulged the movie news on his Twitter page, writing:

“Just some incredible news… Next Valentine’s we r coming with a major 3D Movie telling the story with an Oscar winning director and also filmin the tour at MSG in NYC!!”

It’s going to be amazing and insightful isn’t it? ISN’T IT?

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When looking for someone to act as the once-prodigious, now-dead Jeff Buckley why not go for talent on the level of Robert Pattinson?

After all, he is an actor lacking any discernable passion, he is attractive in a thoroughly mediocre way and he’s generally a bit crap.

It’s a perfect fit for the lead role in the still-vaunted biopic of Jeff Buckley. Especially if Pattinson is into method acting and decides to do his own stunts. In the drowning scene.

Too harsh?

Okay, maybe we don’t want Robert Pattinson dead simply for wanting to play Jeff Buckley – after all, he is just a middle-of-the-road acting type, who only achieved fame by starring in some truly awful films that appeal to children and idiots.

And after all, he only wants to play a middle-of-the-road singer, who only achieved popularity through being both dead and associated with The X Factor.

It’s a partnership for the ages.

In fact, maybe the film will feature Buckley as he is right now, thus taking complete advantage of Pattinson’s “lifeless corpse” acting the manchild employs in so much of his work. The charisma on show would be sure to be palpable.

As reported on Digital Spy, Buckley’s mum said these words:

“Whoever gets the part will need a lot of self-discipline because they won’t be able to fake it. It’s going to take a phenomenal set of skills.”

So it’s going to need real talent as well as acting talent? Ah. Robert Pattinson is probably out then. This would mean the other hopefuls – Jared Leto, James Franco and James Marsden – should probably be struck off the list along with Captain Flatface.

Though, to be fair, at least he doesn’t smell. Even if all of his time will be taken up bathing in tween urine and making dozens of incredibly dull vampire films.

The quest to rape the memory of a reasonably-talented songmeister who had a ridiculously short life continues apace.

Reports that X Factor winner Alexandra Burke was set to feature in a DVD extra where she takes a steaming dump on the grave of Buckley while chanting “hallelujah” were unconfirmed at the time of writing.

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Bob Marley movies are a lot like buses – you wait hours for one then two come at once, plus if you go on one late at night a creepy drunk man will sit next to you and try to stroke your knee.

We've forgotten what our point was now – something about Bob Marley trying to stroke our knee, we think.

No, it's all coming back now – there are two Bob Marley movies on the way, except that they're coming out so close together that an almighty scrap has kicked off about who gets to use Bob Marley's songs. Honestly, they should just flip for it – winner gets Redemption Song, loser gets Craven Choke Puppy. Simple.

Nothing scoops Oscars quite like playing singers. Ray Charles, June Carter Cash, Edith Piaf – in recent years they've all been the subject of Oscar-winning movies. But the trouble is that the world is running out of singers to make films about. Soon there'll be a Marvin Gaye movie, a Michael Hutchence movie and a Milli Vanilli movie. That literally leaves just two singers who haven't had movies made about them – Gwen Stefani and Bob Marley.

And since most people would rather let rats chew on their genitals than watch a Gwen Stefani biopic, that only leaves Bob Marley. Trouble is, everyone wants to make a Bob Marley movie.

Earlier this month The Weinstein Company announced that it was going to produce a Bob Marley movie based on his ex-wife Rita Marley's memoirs No Woman, No Cry. Which admittedly sounded lovely – not only did Bob Marley lead a life interesting enough to warrant a biopic, but also by the time No Woman, No Cry was released, enough time would have passed since I Am Legend to ensure that people started to like Bob Marley again.

Trouble is, though, Martin Scorsese is making a documentary about Bob Marley at the same time, and all Bob Marley's songs have been licensed to that. Cue all manner of ironically bitter squabbles over songs called things like One Love. Metro reports:

The reggae legend's family are trying to block his music from being used in a forthcoming docudrama – even though his widow Rita is executive producer. There is also a clash over the release date, since another Marley movie is in the pipeline. The family policy has always been to prevent his music being used in any films featuring an actor portraying Marley. His estate is even concerned about the use of his songs in the Weinstein Company's imminent adaptation of Rita Marley's book, No Woman No Cry.

It's a pickle for sure, but it doesn't mean that the Weinstein Company's Bob Marley movie is completely out of options. For example, it could make the Bob Marley biopic without any songs, even though that'd be a bit like making a Neil Armstrong biopic and basing it around that time a barber stole his hair. Or it could subtly change Bob Marley's songs until they no longer infringe copyright – allowing the performance of hits like Two Loves, No Woman Some Crying and I Stole The Sheriff's Car Keys When He Had His Back Turned.

Or maybe the Bob Marley movie could contain songs only written by Bunny Wailer. No, that's a stupid idea.

Read more:

Rights row mars Marley movies – Metro 

That Ray Charles movie brought in a lot of green. Although Charles may have known it'd be a money-maker, the green reference was completely lost on him.

That Bob Dylan movie got rave reviews all over the place. It had a bunch of taped-down girls pretending to be him, and critics went bananas. It's a simple recipe really, make a film about a musical fellow and you're sure to walk the red carpet at least once before the fall leaves fade.

Now it's Bob Marley's turn. He's about to get his own sure-fire critically acclaimed biopic made, and Hollywood is abuzz with anticipation. You could be in it – if you look a lot like head lice.

We heard the script is gonna deal mostly with what it was like to live on Bob's head. A little tiny journal was found by the guy that embalmed him, and the present script has been derived from that. It's just what we heard.

Bob Marley died when Melanoma spread to his lungs and brain at the age of 36. Now that you know the end you may think there's not much point in watching the up-coming biopic based on his widow Rita Marley's book No Woman No Cry: My Life With Bob Marley. You're probably right.

But that won't stop people from making his movie anyway. The rights to said book have been scooped up by The Weinstein Company, who we heard envision turning it into a Star Wars type saga, except the force is a doobie and Luke is portrayed by thousands of head-inhabiting insects. Rita says of the forthcoming film:

"Our lives began in a government yard in Trenchtown with hopes of reaching the world through music and through dreams.  I wrote my book to tell my story—of the dreams we shared and those days we spent living and believing in our hope.  I saw it and now we get to tell it through our movie."

The impending film news will no doubt upset the Banshee that sued Marley's dead body for child-feeding money a bit ago. It was Bob Marley and the Banshees wasn't it? Is that what they called themselves? Furthermore the BBC will be shocked if they make it to the end of the film and see that the king of reggae is apparently not alive and available for interviews right now.

When this movie comes to be there's only one question we think must be answered. That being – if Bob Marley was dead, then why are we pretty sure he had such a successful career playing the role of Mr. T on the A-Team from '83 – '86.

Answer that, screen guild writer.

Read More:

Bob Marley's Widow Producing His Biopic – Entertainment Weekly