After all, he is an actor lacking any discernable passion, he is attractive in a thoroughly mediocre way and he’s generally a bit crap.

It’s a perfect fit for the lead role in the still-vaunted biopic of Jeff Buckley. Especially if Pattinson is into method acting and decides to do his own stunts. In the drowning scene.

Too harsh?

Okay, maybe we don’t want Robert Pattinson dead simply for wanting to play Jeff Buckley – after all, he is just a middle-of-the-road acting type, who only achieved fame by starring in some truly awful films that appeal to children and idiots.

And after all, he only wants to play a middle-of-the-road singer, who only achieved popularity through being both dead and associated with The X Factor.

It’s a partnership for the ages.

In fact, maybe the film will feature Buckley as he is right now, thus taking complete advantage of Pattinson’s “lifeless corpse” acting the manchild employs in so much of his work. The charisma on show would be sure to be palpable.

As reported on Digital Spy, Buckley’s mum said these words:

“Whoever gets the part will need a lot of self-discipline because they won’t be able to fake it. It’s going to take a phenomenal set of skills.”

So it’s going to need real talent as well as acting talent? Ah. Robert Pattinson is probably out then. This would mean the other hopefuls – Jared Leto, James Franco and James Marsden – should probably be struck off the list along with Captain Flatface.

Though, to be fair, at least he doesn’t smell. Even if all of his time will be taken up bathing in tween urine and making dozens of incredibly dull vampire films.

The quest to rape the memory of a reasonably-talented songmeister who had a ridiculously short life continues apace.

Reports that X Factor winner Alexandra Burke was set to feature in a DVD extra where she takes a steaming dump on the grave of Buckley while chanting “hallelujah” were unconfirmed at the time of writing.

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We've forgotten what our point was now – something about Bob Marley trying to stroke our knee, we think.

No, it's all coming back now – there are two Bob Marley movies on the way, except that they're coming out so close together that an almighty scrap has kicked off about who gets to use Bob Marley's songs. Honestly, they should just flip for it – winner gets Redemption Song, loser gets Craven Choke Puppy. Simple.

Nothing scoops Oscars quite like playing singers. Ray Charles, June Carter Cash, Edith Piaf – in recent years they've all been the subject of Oscar-winning movies. But the trouble is that the world is running out of singers to make films about. Soon there'll be a Marvin Gaye movie, a Michael Hutchence movie and a Milli Vanilli movie. That literally leaves just two singers who haven't had movies made about them – Gwen Stefani and Bob Marley.

And since most people would rather let rats chew on their genitals than watch a Gwen Stefani biopic, that only leaves Bob Marley. Trouble is, everyone wants to make a Bob Marley movie.

Earlier this month The Weinstein Company announced that it was going to produce a Bob Marley movie based on his ex-wife Rita Marley's memoirs No Woman, No Cry. Which admittedly sounded lovely – not only did Bob Marley lead a life interesting enough to warrant a biopic, but also by the time No Woman, No Cry was released, enough time would have passed since I Am Legend to ensure that people started to like Bob Marley again.

Trouble is, though, Martin Scorsese is making a documentary about Bob Marley at the same time, and all Bob Marley's songs have been licensed to that. Cue all manner of ironically bitter squabbles over songs called things like One Love. Metro reports:

The reggae legend's family are trying to block his music from being used in a forthcoming docudrama – even though his widow Rita is executive producer. There is also a clash over the release date, since another Marley movie is in the pipeline. The family policy has always been to prevent his music being used in any films featuring an actor portraying Marley. His estate is even concerned about the use of his songs in the Weinstein Company's imminent adaptation of Rita Marley's book, No Woman No Cry.

It's a pickle for sure, but it doesn't mean that the Weinstein Company's Bob Marley movie is completely out of options. For example, it could make the Bob Marley biopic without any songs, even though that'd be a bit like making a Neil Armstrong biopic and basing it around that time a barber stole his hair. Or it could subtly change Bob Marley's songs until they no longer infringe copyright – allowing the performance of hits like Two Loves, No Woman Some Crying and I Stole The Sheriff's Car Keys When He Had His Back Turned.

Or maybe the Bob Marley movie could contain songs only written by Bunny Wailer. No, that's a stupid idea.

Read more:

Rights row mars Marley movies – Metro 

Now it's Bob Marley's turn. He's about to get his own sure-fire critically acclaimed biopic made, and Hollywood is abuzz with anticipation. You could be in it – if you look a lot like head lice.

We heard the script is gonna deal mostly with what it was like to live on Bob's head. A little tiny journal was found by the guy that embalmed him, and the present script has been derived from that. It's just what we heard.

Bob Marley died when Melanoma spread to his lungs and brain at the age of 36. Now that you know the end you may think there's not much point in watching the up-coming biopic based on his widow Rita Marley's book No Woman No Cry: My Life With Bob Marley. You're probably right.

But that won't stop people from making his movie anyway. The rights to said book have been scooped up by The Weinstein Company, who we heard envision turning it into a Star Wars type saga, except the force is a doobie and Luke is portrayed by thousands of head-inhabiting insects. Rita says of the forthcoming film:

"Our lives began in a government yard in Trenchtown with hopes of reaching the world through music and through dreams.  I wrote my book to tell my story—of the dreams we shared and those days we spent living and believing in our hope.  I saw it and now we get to tell it through our movie."

The impending film news will no doubt upset the Banshee that sued Marley's dead body for child-feeding money a bit ago. It was Bob Marley and the Banshees wasn't it? Is that what they called themselves? Furthermore the BBC will be shocked if they make it to the end of the film and see that the king of reggae is apparently not alive and available for interviews right now.

When this movie comes to be there's only one question we think must be answered. That being – if Bob Marley was dead, then why are we pretty sure he had such a successful career playing the role of Mr. T on the A-Team from '83 – '86.

Answer that, screen guild writer.

Read More:

Bob Marley's Widow Producing His Biopic – Entertainment Weekly

We'd go with 'multi-talented'. Which, we know, is two words as well. We haven't thought this through. Anyway, Beyonce's staggering versatility has just been exercised again because, following her much-hyped turn in 1960s period musical Dreamgirls, Beyonce has decided to branch out and star in 1960s period musical Cadillac Records.

They're different, really they are. Mainly because Beyonce is a producer on Cadillac Records so she gets to make sure that nobody casts sodding Jennifer Hudson to steal all her thunder again.

We used to think that we were the only people in the whole world whose lives hadn't been turned into a biopic. That'll chance in the autumn when Hecklerspray: The Movie is released – starring Karl Howman from Brush Strokes as Lee Ryan and Michael Bay as himself – but in the last few years alone Ray Charles, Johnny Cash, Edith Piaf, Bod Dylan, Ian Curtis, Idi Amin and Jesus have all had their lives put on film.

There's obviously one giant name missing from that list, though – the woman who sung the song on the Diet Coke advert from 12 years ago, or Etta James as her mother called her. However, Beyonce is about to put rest to that by producing and starring in a film all about Etta James, as MTV reports:

The "Irreplaceable" singer will star as legendary blues singer Etta James in Darnell Martin's "Cadillac Records," according to The Hollywood Reporter. She will also serve as one of the movie's executive producers. "Cadillac Records" will follow the life of influential Chicago-based record-company executive Leonard Chess — who ran the legendary record company with his brother, Phil, through the 1950s and '60s — and the label's lineup of musical icons, including James, Muddy Waters (Jeffrey Wright), Willie Dixon (Cedric the Entertainer) and Little Walter (Columbus Short). Oscar winner Adrien Brody is scheduled to play Chess.

It's good to see that Beyonce's starting to learn her lessons after failing to win any major awards for Dreamgirls – especially since Jennifer Hudson won an Oscar and Beyonce didn't even get nominated. You see, Beyonce's mistake was to play a singer who was only heavily alluded to be a real person – if she plays an actual singer who really existed, she'll easily win an Oscar, because you always win an Oscar if you play a real singer.

And Etta James certainly has a life worth making a film about. She toured with Little Richard as a child, she developed a drug habit, she went a bit mad, she got massively overweight and she did songs for both Diet Coke and posh car adverts. Whereas you've probably only done two or three of those things, loser.

Nevertheless, it'll be interesting to see how Beyonce chooses to play Etta James. After all, a bit star like Beyonce will want to put a little bit of herself into the role. And if that's the case, we can't wait for the scene in Cadillac Records where Etta James smashes her face to pieces on some stairs and then offends an entire religion with her tits.

Read more:

Beyonce To Portray Legendary Blues Singer Etta James In 'Cadillac Records' - MTV