Kids, eh? It’s so hard to watch them grow up. Especially when they’re Miley Cyrus. But then again it’s always hard to watch her.

Miley Cyrus is starting to assert her independence. Until now, Miley had been doing this perfectly normally, like going out with an adult underwear model and being ludicrously rich enough to financially control her entire family, but now she’s crossed the line. How? Miley Cyrus has got her nose pierced.

So now Miley Cyrus is a punk. We’re excited to hear her raw, uncompromising new direction on forthcoming single Let’s Have A Punky Pyjama Party (Lalalalala).

Deep down, Miley Cyrus has always been a rebel. All the signs were there – the romance with the unsuitably older man, the tendency to strip off for photos at any given opportunity, the fearless mockery of arbitrarily-chosen racial groups, that song of hers that had rock guitars in it because a computer had analysed data from several focus groups in Miley’s key demographic and revealed that rock guitars would track well for her in a number of important new markets.

See? Miley Cyrus is bold. Miley Cyrus is single-minded. Miley Cyrus will not sell out – unless of course your definition of selling out involves giving away both your physical likeness and entire childhood to one of the world’s biggest entertainment companies and doing everything it orders you to do in exchange for cash, in which case there might be an argument that Miley Cyrus has sold out a little bit.

But in case you wanted some more proof, Miley Cyrus has just had her nose pierced. And it affected her dad Billy Ray Cyrus so strongly that he’s actually written a song about it, as he told Larry King:

“She said, ‘Daddy would you take me to get my nose pierced?’ I said, ‘Did you ask your mamma?’ and she said, ‘Mamma said I can do it if you would take me.’ We went to a little place in Studio City. I felt kind of nervous… You probably heard the song I wrote, Ready, Set, Don’t Go. It’s about that moment in a daddy’s life that you realise your little girl has grown up. It’s time for her to make her own decisions.”

Now you come to mention it, Billy Ray Cyrus, we think we have heard that song. Correct us if we’re wrong, but we believe it’s on the same album as the songs Don’t Forget Your Old Daddy, What Are We Going To Do For Money Once You Move Out and I Swear If You Stop Making Hannah Montana Now I’ll Be Completely Bloody Destitute (Is That What You Want?).

But anyway, it’s natural for a young girl like Miley Cyrus to want to branch out and make her own decisions. Mark our words, there’ll be a tattoo next. Unless some Disney-sanctioned focus groups decide that tattoos don’t send an appropriately aspirational message to her core markets, that is, in which case we’re probably wrong.

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We don’t know how the Hannah Montana movie ended. We didn’t see the Hannah Montana movie. We hit puberty several years ago.

We assumed that we knew how the Hannah Montana movie would end, though – with Miley Cyrus getting hit in the face with an asteroid then bitten in half by a dinosaur, who then barfs her back up into Billy Ray Cyrus’s crying face. Because movies like that need an feelgood climax, don’t they?

But apparently that’s not how the Hannah Montana movie ended, because Miley Cyrus is making another season. And no mention of regurgitated dino-puke, either. Disappointing.

Thanks to her phenomenal successes in the worlds of TV, film, music, videogames and breathtakingly cynical merchandise, Miley Cyrus never has to work again. It’d be quite nice if someone could pass on that message to her, wouldn’t it?

Because at the moment, Miley Cyrus doesn’t seem to want to stop working at all. We’re not sure why that is – maybe she realises that she’s as popular now as she’s ever going to be and wants to maximise on it while she can, or maybe her showbusiness childhood has left her equating work with attention, or maybe she realises that if she stopped working she’d have nothing better to do than stay at home pondering on how exactly identical her dad’s face is to a human vagina – but it’s true.

So true, in fact, that despite apparently trying to leave the show last year and seeming utterly hacked off about making the movie, Miley Cyrus has decided to churn out another season of Hannah Montana. Reuters reports:

Disney Channel has closed a deal for a fourth season of the blockbuster series starring Miley Cyrus. There had been questions about whether Cyrus would return to the series that made her a global star… As part of the deal, Cyrus will get a long hiatus to work on the feature “The Last Song.”

We’re just guessing here, but we’d imagine that this will be the last season of Hannah Montana ever. And rightly so – it’s wise for Miley Cyrus to bow out of the tween market before she, say, embarrasses herself with a set of risque photos. Oh, wait, she’s already done that. Well, OK, before she hooks up with a much-older boyfriend who poses in his pants for a living. Oh, hang on, she’s done that too.

Before Miley Cyrus’s voice gets so deep and hoarse that when most viewers tune into an episode of Hannah Montana they assume they’re watching a foreign version that’s been dubbed using nothing but professional Tibetan throat singers and broken lawn strimmers? Before everyone gets completely sick of seeing her face everywhere? What? Miley Cyrus has already done both of those things too?

You’re not exactly making this easy for us here, Miley. Buck up.

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When Jamie Foxx said that he wanted Miley Cyrus to catch Chlamydia from a bike, he messed with the wrong dude.

Or the right dude. He messed with Billy Ray Cyrus. And now Billy Ray Cyrus wants blood. “It was hurtful,” he said, before adding “If anyone is going to turn Miley Cyrus into a disease-ridden drug addict it’ll be me and my relentless desire to piggyback vicariously on her wealth and fame regardless of the cost. Not Jamie Foxx. ME!”

Just to clear that up, Billy Ray Cyrus didn’t actually say that last bit. He probably thought it, though.

In many ways, Billy Ray Cyrus is just a normal dad who wants the best for his kids. True, when we say ‘normal’ we mean ‘in the clutches of such a startling mid-life crisis that he appears to have strapped a vagina onto his chin’ and when we say ‘wants the best for his kids’ we mean ‘wants to push his kids into the brutal world of showbusiness so that he can live in a quite big house’, but you get the jist.

So when a man – no, worse than a man, an actor from the movie Stealth – uses his radio show to spew out a torrent of inappropriate hatred about his teenage daughter, then Billy Ray Cyrus has no choice but to stop thinking rationally.

And that’s what happened after Jamie Foxx started to rant about Miley Cyrus on his radio show this weekend, suggesting that Miley Cyrus should take heroin and crack and become a lesbian and make a sex tape. Although Jamie Foxx made a grovelling apology to Miley Cyrus on TV a few days ago, it was too late. Billy Ray Cyrus’ blood surged. He saw nothing but red. Generations of boiling testosterone welled up inside him until he was forced to take the most furious course of action available to him.

That’s right – Billy Ray Cyrus went on a daytime television programme to describe how badly Jamie Foxx had hurt his feelings. Yesterday Billy Ray Cyrus told Bonnie Hunt:

“It was hurtful. There wasn’t nothing funny about it. And, quite frankly, I think if I said those things about his daughter, he might not find it so comedic.”

Oh Billy Ray Cyrus, don’t stop there. We know you’re dying to do it – say something about Jamie Foxx’s daughter. And remember, it has to be worse than wishing she’d become a lesbian heroin addict, or it doesn’t count. Go on, include a couple of sailors and a horny monkey into the insult. Give her a beak. Set it in space. You can do it, Billy Ray Cyrus! We believe in you!

Actually, we’re being highly inconsiderate here. What father wouldn’t fight back against a slur about his daughter? Also, remember that he’s essentially doing us all a favour – the more Billy Ray Cyrus speaks out about Jamie Foxx, the less Miley Cyrus has to. And, quite frankly, every second that we don’t have to look at Miley Cyrus’ face or hear her stupid voice is a second that we don’t want to hurl ourselves off the nearest bridge.

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And, of course, that was Justin Gaston – the 20-year-old undercracker model who might very well be Miley Cyrus’ special and conspicuously older boyfriend. It’s not really a surprise that Justin Gaston didn’t go to Miley Cyrus’ birthday party – he’s too old for Disneyland and was probably doing something cool like riding a motorbike or drinking cider at a bus stop or something.

But Miley Cyrus’ dad Billy Ray Cyrus doesn’t mind. He’s heaped praise on Gaston despite his no-show. And so would you too, if you knew that pretending to enjoy the fact that your little girl is probably in some kind of relationship with a full-grown man was the only thing stopping said little girl from financially abandoning you the second she turns 18.

The big Miley Cyrus 16th birthday party in Disneyland on Sunday had just about everything you could wish for. Fireworks, thrill rides, celebrities, a short set by Miley Cyrus herself, the profoundly depressing realisation that you could work 24 hours a day for the rest of your life and still not earn what Miley Cyrus does in a month and – in Billy Ray Cyrus’ performance of Achy Breaky Heart – a couple of minutes to sneak off to the toilet.

But Miley’s party did lack one thing, and that was romance. We’re going to put that down to the absense of Justin Gaston – the fully-grown underwear model who Miley Cyrus seems to have developed some sort of romantic attachment to.

Now, we know what you’re thinking. The reason that Justin Gaston didn’t go to Miley Cyrus’ birthday party is because, prior to the party, Billy Ray Cyrus took him to one side and threatened to smoosh his skull into goo with half a brick if he even so much as thought about touching his special little daughter, but that’s not the case at all.

Actually it turn out that Billy Ray Cyrus is quite the fan of Justin Gaston. We already knew that he introduced Justin to Miley Cyrus, but he’s followed that up with even more effusive praise. Fox News reports:

“He is a great guy, a really talented guy,” Billy Ray said of Gaston, adding that he is great company for his daughter.

That’s not very comprehensive, Billy Ray Cyrus. Do you think you could back that up with another statement? Perhaps one that’s completely out of touch, has nothing to do with Justin Gaston and seems to bewilderingly paint yourself as some kind of world-healing Jesus figure?

“It’s our family going full circle. Being here with these fans is an appropriate way to celebrate. It’s the fans that our show is all about. It’s what our music is all about. Touching people’s lives worldwide and these are the people right here.”

OK, that’s better. Thanks.

Anyway, it’s not hard to see why Billy Ray Cyrus and Justin Gaston get along so well. They both love country music, for example, and they’re both Southern-born, God-fearin’, rootin’-tootin’, tobacco-chewin’ rednecks cowboys. Plus they’re roughly the same age, obviously.

And, what’s more, it must really take the heat off dealing with your girlfriend’s new boyfriend to know that no matter what filthy, depraved stuff he gets up to, he’ll never quite be as creepy around her as you are.

But not if you’re Billy Ray Cyrus. If you’re Billy Ray Cyrus then your 15-year-old daughter will never introduce you to her 20-year-old underwear model boyfriend. That’s because if you’re Billy Ray Cyrus, your 15-year-old daughter is Miley Cyrus and it’s you who’ll introduce her to the aforementioned 20-year-old underwear model.

That’s right – it turns out that Billy Ray Cyrus is responsible for hooking Miley Cyrus up with her new, much older, mostly naked boyfriend Justin Gaston. Normally we’d suggest that Miley Cyrus’ ex-boyfriend would be feeling pretty inadequate because of this, but given our suspicion that Miley Cyrus’ ex-boyfriend was actually Billy Ray Cyrus anyway, we’ll probably just leave it.

We’re going to let you into a little secret. We always thought that Billy Ray Cyrus was a little bit stupid. Maybe it was his awful haircut, or maybe the way he consistently mispronounced the word ‘lips’ as ‘layps’ when singing Achy Breaky Heart, or maybe even our possibly imagined fondness of his for wearing leather waistcoats with nothing underneath. We just don’t know.

But we were wrong. Billy Ray Cyrus isn’t stupid at all. Billy Ray Cyrus is a red-hot progressive. You can tell that just by the way he’s raised Miley Cyrus.

For instance, when Miley Cyrus split up with whichever one of The Jonas Brothers she was with, Billy Ray Cyrus yelled “Don’t worry honey, he was just a boy. I’ll find you a MAN!” and ran off to try and find a nice-looking 20-year-old stud with morals loose enough to allow him to take payment from standing around in his knickers all day to ease his little girl’s broken heart.

And that’s how Justin Gaston came to be. You see, when we reported yesterday that Miley Cyrus had a much older boyfriend, we assumed that Billy Ray Cyrus would be furious. But he’s not, because he was the one who set the pair of them up. OK! reports:

Allen Osborne, says Billy Ray thinks very highly of Justin. “He doesn’t drink. He doesn’t smoke. He’s a very up-and-up guy.” {A source said] “Miley and Justin were really playful with each other. And for being with her parents, they were extremely touchy-feely. Miley had her hands on Justin’s stomach. They definitely seemed like a couple. Her parents really gave them space.”

You see, Billy Ray Cyrus has nothing to worry about. Just because Justin Gaston is legally an adult whose girlfriend is legally a child, he doesn’t drink or smoke so nothing funny’s going to happen. And it’s not as if Miley Cyrus knows anything about sex anyway, is it? She hardly goes around bragging of her love of Sex And The City while posing in a series of risque photos on the internet, is it? Oh…

Also, we’re sure that Billy Ray Cyrus’ acceptance of Justin Gaston has absolutely nothing to do with Miley Cyrus being the primary breadwinner in the Cyrus household and having enough money to have her dad kidnapped and beaten if he ever voices an opinion on her love life. Nothing at all.

You'd be distraught, wouldn't you. Miley would have left this world leaving us with only two albums, a slightly annoying TV show and a 3D movie of a concert to remember her by. And that could have been the case after a scene from the Miley Cyrus movie clearly showed Miley Cyrus and her dad Billy Ray Cyrus riding around in a car without a seatbelt on.

But now Billy Ray Cyrus has publicly apologised for their lack of caution. That's not enough, though – we'll only rest when Billy Ray Cyrus wears a seatbelt all the time, even when he's walking around his house or going to the toilet. And if the belt could be wound around his mouth or neck, then that's even better.

Miley Cyrus is undoubtedly an influential person. Thanks to her show Hannah Montana, her pop albums and her latest box office-topping 3D movie, there's a vast army of tweens who hang on Miley's every word. If Miley Cyrus started wearing yellow shoes, her fans would all start wearing yellow shoes. If Miley Cyrus started swanning around in top hats and talking in an unconvincing Swiss accent, then her fans would do the same. Point is, Miley Cyrus is a massive role model.

And that means when Miley Cyrus is filmed not wearing a seatbelt, millions of young girls around the world will immediately think it's cool to unbuckle their seatbelts and pray for their parents swerve off the road and plough into a tree at 100mph. That's not an exaggeration – millions of young girls will literally do exactly that.

The outrage caused by the scene in the movie Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus: Best Of Both Worlds Concert Tour showing Miley Cyrus and Billy Ray Cyrus not wearing seatbelts has been so overwhelming that you'd think it showed the pair of them smoking crack through a hollowed-out endangered salamander, humping nuns and discussing how brilliant suicide terrorists are – but nevertheless it threatens to ruin everything that Miley Cyrus has achieved so far in her career.

To counter this, Billy Ray Cyrus himself has decided to apologise to the entire world through People magazine:

"We got caught up in the moment of filming, and we made a mistake and forgot to buckle our seatbelts," Billy Ray Cyrus tells PEOPLE about a gaffe in the hit 3-D movie Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert Tour – one that's caused a head-on collision with controversy. "Seatbelt safety is extremely important," he adds.

In addition, Miley Cyrus is thought to be planning a seatbelt-awareness pop album to further make amends, entitled Seatbelts Like Totally Rule. The first single from that album – Oops! I Almost Got Mangled To Death – will be released shortly.

No, not really – and the fact that it was Billy Ray Cyrus and not Miley Cyrus who spoke out about the controversy speaks volumes about how much she regrets the mistake. Then again, if Billy Ray Cyrus was our dad, we'd probably encourage the likelihood of death as well.

Read more:

Billy Ray Apologizes for Not Buckling Up – People 

Sorry, that was confusing. Look – Miley Cyrus, who plays Hannah Montana in the TV show Hanna Montana, has just changed her name from Destiny Hope Cyrus to Miley Ray Cyrus because her Dad is Billy Ray Cyrus and everyone called her Miley Cyrus anyway and she liked the 'Ray' part of her Dad's name.

There, that's cleared all the confusion up.

If you've got children, chances are you know who Miley Cyrus is because your children do nothing but watch her TV show over and over again and again and again like gawping attention span-deficient monkeys. And even if you don't know who Miley Cyrus is, you should probably learn, because she's the sort of ultra-focused, all-singing all-dancing teenage sensation who'll either take over the planet or end up driving her car the wrong way up a motorway on drugs. Either way, you'd do well to remember her name.

Actually, no, don't remember Miley Cyrus' name. Because she's not called Miley Cyrus any more – she's just officially changed her name to Miley Ray Cyrus.

Why? Well, it might be because Miley Ray Cyrus' dad is rootin' tootin' early 90s rat-haired achy breaky cowboy Billy Ray Cyrus and she wants to do everything she can to remind people of that, presumably because she enjoys being pelted with bits of old fruit. Star reports:

Hannah Montana star Miley Cyrus has legally changed her name to Miley Ray Cyrus. Her birth name was Destiny Hope Cyrus. She changed her moniker to reflect her nickname and honor her father, Billy Ray Cyrus. 

Destiny Hope Cyrus? Wow, no wonder Miley decided to change her name – was she originally named after a shop that sells dreamcatchers? And now that Miley Cyrus has changed her name, it can only be a matter of time before all her brothers and sisters – like Accomplishment Optimism Cyrus, Self-Esteem Tenacity Cyrus, Glorious Eaglevision Cyrus and Braison Chance Cyrus – do the same. Braison Chance is real, by the way. We know.

The confusion isn't over just yet, though - Miley Ray Cyrus' body double still has to work out what her name is – but once that's over, Miley will be able to start her life afresh. After all, if the knowledge that she's not explicitly sexually active won't stop the creepy middle-aged perverts from hitting on her, then perhaps the subtle reminder that she might grow up to look like Billy Ray Cyrus will.

Read more:

Miley's Name Change – Star