The internet can be a dark and cruel place full of cyber bullies hiding behind anonymous usernames and bastards like us, who are rewarded by the mainstream media for having blogs dedicated to slagging off celebrities.
Ha!
In fact, the internet is such a vile cesspool of hate that the stars have come out and whinged about how they’re being made fun of too much and it hurts their feelings and that people should care about their pointless little lives and treat them as humans and not the dancing monkeys they actually are.
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Teenage warbler and spawn of the devil (aka Billy Ray) Miley Cyrus, recently ‘fessed up to being the raging pothead we all suspected at her 19th birthday party in Los Angeles.
Guest included, Kelly Osbourne and Rumer Willis, boyfriend Liam Hemsworth and of course her parents who were probably out the back, line-dancing through the piles of money they’ve made from selling their child to the Disney factory.
Miley was presented with a Bob Marley cake and before devouring it face first, she gave a small speech, made up of words.
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There are some songs that just shouldn’t be covered. A lot of people would agree that Nirvana’s Smells Like Teen Spirit was one of those.
But not Miley Cyrus.
Miley decided that she was the perfect person to belt out a borderline sacrilegious version of the Nirvana classic, on her latest tour.
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Bret Michaels – a man who looks like a horrible scientific hybrid of Axl Rose, a pirate and a drag queen – is suing the Tony Awards. Why? Possibly because of his dunderheaded sense of spatial awareness (or lack of it).
In 2009, Michaels performed some awful poodle rock at the Tonys and walked slap bang into a giant bit of set. It was very, very funny (video over the jump).
However, the dumbass singer is now suing the Tonys, stating that it more than likely caused his brain hemorrhage. Like we’re supposed to believe there’s a brain in there!
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Despite technically being her biological father, Billy-Ray has always seemed to have been a sort of peripheral figure in the life of Miley Cyrus. We, like most people, just assumed that this squealing, garishly coloured infant that was thrust onto our screens/music charts/cinemas/nightmares a few years ago was grown organically in one of Disney’s many factories, like all teen stars. Possibly incubated in pork render, agar, MSG, and ‘fairy dust’ (which is the trademarked term they use for the last remaining precious spoonfuls of Uncle Walts ejaculate, apparently).
So imagine our surprise when we learnt that it was none other than the combination of the by product of a faux cowboy’s testicles and a genuine human woman’s warm embracing vagina that were contracted out to design and produce her. Under the aegis of the Disney corporation, obviously (probably).
Because of this embarrassing start to life, Miley has tried to distance herself from the biological process that marks her out from the rest of Disney and shown almost no emotional response to her ‘parents’. Until now.
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Rocker and tight-faced oddball Bret Michaels had successful surgery at a hospital somewhere in America (do you really care which one?) on his heart. And a miracle happened! Doctors not only found a heart, but they managed to repair a hole in it while they were there!
Of course, Billy Ray Cyrus will be hoping doctors can mend his heart after Michaels ran off with his wife. Allegedly. She’s obviously got a thing for men with awful, awful haircuts.
Michaels, of course, was the frontman for the band Poison… and… well… somehow, he’s stayed famous, despite looking like an ageing wrestler with his face trapped inside a pair of tights.
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Kids, eh? It’s so hard to watch them grow up. Especially when they’re Miley Cyrus. But then again it’s always hard to watch her.
Miley Cyrus is starting to assert her independence. Until now, Miley had been doing this perfectly normally, like going out with an adult underwear model and being ludicrously rich enough to financially control her entire family, but now she’s crossed the line. How? Miley Cyrus has got her nose pierced.
So now Miley Cyrus is a punk. We’re excited to hear her raw, uncompromising new direction on forthcoming single Let’s Have A Punky Pyjama Party (Lalalalala).
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We don’t know how the Hannah Montana movie ended. We didn’t see the Hannah Montana movie. We hit puberty several years ago.
We assumed that we knew how the Hannah Montana movie would end, though – with Miley Cyrus getting hit in the face with an asteroid then bitten in half by a dinosaur, who then barfs her back up into Billy Ray Cyrus‘s crying face. Because movies like that need an feelgood climax, don’t they?
But apparently that’s not how the Hannah Montana movie ended, because Miley Cyrus is making another season. And no mention of regurgitated dino-puke, either. Disappointing.
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