Billy Corgan - HecklerSpray

Jessica Simpson’s Got A New Boyfriend, So That’s Something

July 6th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

As normal humans, we often find ourselves waking up in a cold sweat worrying about Jessica Simpson’s love life.

Is she single? Is she happy? Do the answers to either of those two questions in any way indicate the onset of more binge-eating? Because then she’d have to get thin again and make another one of those terrible TV shows about how awful it is to occasionally be slightly fatter than normal, and that’d just be unbearable. So a happy Jessica Simpson equals a happy us.

The good news, then, is that Jessica Simpson has got a new boyfriend who used to play football just like her old boyfriend did. But is she happy? Hard to say. She is still Jessica Simpson, after all.

Official: Jessica Simpson Has Manky Teeth

April 29th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

Oh, now we get it. Now we understand why John Mayer called Jessica Simpson ‘sexual napalm’ recently.

It all makes so much sense. The reason why John Mayer described Jessica Simpson as ‘sexual napalm’ is because her breath smells like a mixture of petrol and burnt flesh. It has to, because Jessica Simpson has just revealed that she only brushes her teeth about three times a week. But it’s OK, because she’ll wipe her teeth with a shirt whenever they get a bit dirty. She’s not a monster or anything.

We’re not making a word of this up, by the way. Jessica Simpson told Ellen DeGeneres, in front of an audience, while she was being filmed by a number of television cameras, that she only brushes her teeth three times a week. If this isn’t an aggressive move on Jessica Simpson’s part to render us obsolete, we don’t know what is.

Jessica Simpson: Billy Corgan Gets All ‘Get Yo Hands Offa My Womma’

March 12th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

John Mayer can’t have known what sort of nightmare he’d stumble into when he called Jessica Simpson ‘sexual napalm’.

But now he knows. Now John Mayer’s going to get his arse handed to him. Worse still, he’s going to get his arse handed to him by Jessica Simpson’s new boyfriend Billy Corgan. And when you’re having your arse handed to you by a wan, squat, snaggle-toothed Count Orlok lookalike whose skin is so pale that it may as well be completely translucent, you know that you’re in trouble.

We’ve just seen the opening salvo of this simmering John Mayer vs Billy Corgan war take place, with Corgan warning Mayer that he’s destroying his own career. Hey Billy, that’s not actually a bad thing! Keep your voice down, you bald idiot!

Jessica Simpson Hasn’t Done It With Tiger Woods, Thank God

December 17th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

You’re probably still trying to get your head around the unholy union that is Jessica Simpson and Billy Corgan.

It’s OK, so are we. You know what’d scrub that horrific mental image right out of you mind? The mental image of Jessica Simpson having sex with Tiger Woods. Oh, look, we didn’t say it’d be a better mental image, did we? Stop complaining. Stop it.

But at least it can remain a mental image. According to Jessica Simpson, and despite reports to the contrary, she has never even once had sex with Tiger Woods. So that’s that. If only other female celebrities were that quick to shoot down rumours of sex with Tiger Woods. That’s right Queen Elizabeth II, we’re looking at you.

Billy Corgan + Jessica Simpson = Oh Christ, No

December 10th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

After watching her stumble from one failed relationship to another, we’ve often wondered who Jessica Simpson’s ideal man is.

And now we know. It’s Count Orlock. However, since Count Orlock is a fictional character from a film that was made 87 years ago, it looks like Jessica Simpson will have to do with the nearest human equivalent – Billy Corgan. That’s right. We don’t know how to break this to you, but Jessica Simpson and Billy Corgan are reportedly dating.

And now that you know this, the rest of your day will intermittently be punctuated by graphic visions of Jessica Simpson and Billy Corgan having horrible mismatched sex. Merry Christmas!

Smashing Pumpkins Whine About Something For A Change

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

If you heard a Smashing Pumpkins song advertising a delicious bottle of refreshing Pepsi, what would you do?

Chances are you'd either a) go and buy a thirst-quenching bottle of deliciously refreshing Pepsi right away or b) kick the television over, stamp on it and then slash your belly because you drank some Pepsi once six years ago and you don't want to be seen to be endorsing the Smashing Pumpkins in even the slightest way.

But not if you're Billy Corgan, lead singer of the Smashing Pumpkins. If you're Billy Corgan and you hear a Smashing Pumpkins song advertising Pepsi, you sue your old record label and then get all stroppy and self-important and bitch about everything for the millionth time of your life.