And it’s all Gwyneth Paltrow’s fault. Tucked away at the bottom of a New York Daily News article about how many molecules of mashed potato she briefly considered touching with her tongue yesterday – or whatever – came the news that Gwyneth Paltrow’s marriage to Chris Martin is ‘on a break’ and that she’s spending a lot of time with an American real estate billionaire named Jeff Soffer.

Great. Maybe Gwyneth Paltrow will end up divorcing Chris Martin and shack up with this Jeff Soffer chap instead. Let’s hope so because, judging by all the insipid cock she’s inspired her husband to write over the years, it’d mean that Gwyneth Paltrow would the impetus for some of the most cluelessly vapid architectural designs ever seen by mankid. Or a swimming pool shaped like a concerned face, at the very least.

It’s no secret that Gwyneth Paltrow and Madonna are the best of friends. It’s adorable. They’re both like two little lambs frolicking together in a field. Or one whiny piss-thing lamb that looks a bit malnourished and another lamb in a horrible leotard who actually hasn’t been a lamb for about 30 years but still dresses like one. This analogy’s going nowhere, sorry.

Anyway, Gwyneth Paltrow and Madonna have a freakish amount in common. They both give their kids crappy names. They both look like they live on one grain of rock-hard rice a week. They both think they can do British accents. They both do an inordinate amount of whining. They’re both a bit spiritually batshit. And both of them moved to London to be with their overrated British cultural icon husbands.

Or at least they were. Madonna, of course, divorced her cockney husband Guy Ritchie recently so that she could dedicate her life to thrusting her groin towards baseball players while crying in full view of thousands of strangers. And, since Gwyneth Paltrow is happily married to Beaker from Coldplay, at least they’re different in that sense.

For now, at least. Because it turns out that Gwyneth Paltrow has been spending an awful lot of time around mild-mannered billionaire Jeff Soffer, to the extent that she’s apparently now telling her friends that her marriage is all but over. The New York Daily News reports:

Feeding speculation that Paltrow and Martin are ready to split, Paltrow has been staying at Soffer’s Indian Creek Island mansion and spent Thanksgiving with him, sources said… “Gwyneth has confided to friends she and Chris are taking a break,” a source claimed. “Jeff is crazy about her.”

How true any of this is, we just don’t know. But it does seem perfectly feasible that, given the choice between a billionaire or a funny-haired Bono wannabe whose greatest contribution to mankind will be bellowing the word ‘yellow’ over and over again in the style of an elk being anally brutalised with a spiked club, Gwyneth Paltrow would possibly pick the former.

So it looks like we’ll have to keep Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s marriage under tight watch for the next couple of months. A divorce wouldn’t surprise us because, as history has shown, if either Madonna or Gwyneth Paltrow do something, the other is never far behind.

Well, most of the time, anyway – Gwyneth Paltrow occasionally makes films that aren’t complete monkeybum every now and again. Madonna’s never really seemed to pick up on that.

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Know who’s a 785th place loser, too? Facebook originator Mark Zuckerberg, that’s who. What a slacker. He’s probably all boo-hoo about being 785th place. What’s that? The thing for which he placed 785th was the list of richest people in the world?  

Well, then that’s not too shabby out of billions of people, now is it. 

People say that money can’t buy happiness, but if we were named one of the richest people in the world by Forbes magazine right now, we’d be happier than a drunk Care Bear on speed right now. But, we’re not on the list. Neither are you, for that matter, but someone who is on the list making you feel even more pathetic and unsuccessful is 23-year-old Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg.  

Yeah, you read that right. 23 years old. In fact, he’s apparently the youngest person on the list who didn’t inherit money from their dead, geezerly sugar daddy (Anna Nicole Smith we’re looking down at you. Well, we have to look down because you’re dead in a grave) or anyone else. Mark Zuckerberg is a self-made man. We hate our lives.  

So, basically, Mark Zuckerberg has become a billionaire making a website that allows you throw cyber cows and chickens at people and join groups like ‘Group to stop all of these applications for all these groups’ group. Well, he’s actually made $1.5 billion dollars if you want to split hairs. Seriously. $1.5 billion dollars. For throwing cows. Man, do we feel the fool for not starting that farm animal-chucking farm website we thought about. By Mark Zuckerberg’s example, it’d probably be a lot more successful than our real-life farm animal-chucking farm.  

Wow, we just can’t get over that Mark Zuckerberg is only 23 years old. If you’re anything like we were at that age – and we know you are because we scour your Facebook profiles like neurotic ex-girlfriends looking for evidence of that new hag you’re dating in the manner for which the site was intended– you were aimlessly staring off into space wondering what to do with a college degree in Gregorian Masters of Chant, trying to figure out where in the world that smell is coming from.    

At least we can take solace in the fact that Bill Gates dropped from the number one spot where he's been for 13 years to the number three spot. Friggin' imbecile.  

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Facebook Founder Youngest Billionaire On The Planet - People