Is Gwyneth Paltrow Schtupping A Billionaire? Would You Even Care? Some advance warning: Coldplay, the dreariest band in the entire world, might be about to get considerably drearier. And it's all Gwyneth Paltrow's fault. Tucked away at the bottom of a New York Daily News article about how many molecules of mashed potato she briefly considered touching with her tongue yesterday - or whatever - came the news that Gwyneth Paltrow's marriage to Chris Martin is 'on a break' and that she's spending a lot of time with an American real estate billionaire named Jeff Soffer. Great. Maybe Gwyneth Paltrow will end up divorcing Chris Martin and shack up with this Jeff Soffer chap instead. Let's hope so because, judging by all the insipid cock she's inspired her husband to write over the years, it'd mean that Gwyneth Paltrow would the impetus for some of the most cluelessly vapid architectural designs ever seen by mankid. Or a swimming pool shaped like a concerned face, at the very least.

Facebook Founder Depresses Us All With His Ridiculous Wealth

We ran a race once when we were ten and got second place. Second place isn’t bad for a chubby little kid with a bad perm. We got a medal and everything. Do you think they gave a medal to the person that came in 785th place in that race? Do you? Well, they most certainly didn’t. Not only because there were only about 30 kids in the race, but also because 785th place isn’t really a place at all. It’s hundreds of spots away from the winner. It’s where the losers hang out. 

Know who’s a 785th place loser, too? Facebook originator Mark Zuckerberg, that’s who. What a slacker. He’s probably all boo-hoo about being 785th place. What’s that? The thing for which he placed 785th was the list of richest people in the world?  

Well, then that’s not too shabby out of billions of people, now is it.