Stupid Michael Jackson. He caused trouble for everyone when he was alive, trouble which was unfathomably passed off by fans because he donated a slender portion of his grotesque wealth to charity and, since his death, has caused even more hassle for everyone.

When will this horror end?

When he’s wasn’t mangling his face to the point where he could curdle Pepsi simply by staring at it, getting caught up in various scandals involving children and having pale children despite having the DNA of a black man, he went and died because it was the only thing that could keep him in the centre of everyone’s attention. Just ask Dr Conrad Murray. And now, some boring insurance people are getting in on the act as well, refusing to pay-up, thanks to Jackson’s “prescription drugs use/or addiction”. The daft prancing junkie.

That’s right. Lloyds have been charged with the payout over Jacko’s comeback gigs and have asked a judge in Los Angeles to nullify the policy, basically meaning that they’re refusing to pay out the $17.5million to cover the cancellation.

Promoter, AEG Live, are still stood at the doors of Lloyds with an impatient hand out, waiting for a huge bag of cadaver shaped money to land in it. Basically, no-one actually cares that Jackson has died – everyone concerned just wants money.

Understandable really when dealing with a potentially strung-out ghost.

Lloyds reckon that a lawyer for the promoter submitted a claim, along with Jackson’s death certificate, within days of Michael’s passing. Sadly for AEG, Lloyds are pointing out that a required medical examination was never carried out when the policy was taken out.

This saw rapturous applause in the offices of Lloyds, where a group of balding men in badly cut suits started to do Bo Selecta! impressions of Michael Jackson, much to the annoyance of everyone else who worked there. Sha’mon, etc.

Basically, the insurer is saying that, for all of the reasons given, they are not obliged to pay for the cost of cancelling the shows.

So, stick that in your pipe and smoke it. May hecklerspray suggest that each individual Michael Jackson fan offers one solitary dollar to whom it may concern to cover the cost of the cancellation? They’ll do anything, and blindly, for Michael Jackson.

All it requires is that someone dig up Jackson’s corpse – who in fairness will still look like the singer when he was alive, regardless of decomposition – and animate him with wires, Jim Henson style, and get him to make a televised plea for the money needed.

And we’ll take 10 per cent for that idea.

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Hey kids, don't bother trying hard at school; it turns out that the quickest way to financial success is to knock up a borderline-deluded superstar a couple of times – just ask Kevin Federline.

As we've told you every day since pretty much the dawn of man, Kevin Federline and Britney Spears are currently fighting for custody of their two children. If she didn't act so crazy, Britney would have been the obvious choice for custody because a) she's the mother, b) the father is Kevin Federline, a man who looks like he still needs to use children's safety scissors and c) she's loaded. Even though she does keep acting crazy, though, the last point still stands true. But if Britney Spears wanted to exploit that by riding the custody battle out until Kevin Federline runs out of money and gives up, she's in for a shock – Britney Spears has been ordered to pay for Kevin Federline's legal bills as well as her own.

It's never been in doubt that Britney Spears is a special mother. After all, it takes a certain calibre of person to call your children accidents in public, endanger their lives by driving with them perched on your lap and then have a full-scale head-shaving meltdown that sees you end up babbling about being the Antichrist in rehab. 

But just to reinforce that point, the judge presiding over the interminable custody fight between Britney Spears and Kevin Federline has ruled that Britney Spears now has to pay the legal bills for Kevin Federline as well as herself. And now that she's effectively funding the world's biggest negative publicity campaign against herself and paying hundreds of thousands of dollars to have her children torn from her forever, that has to make Britney Spears the specialest mother ever.

Because, as much of a loving father as Kevin Federline is, he's also a workshy sod and a hopeless rapper to boot. As court documents from last week show, it took all of last year for Kevin Federline to make what Britney Spears earns in a month. And that's a month of nothing but listless idleness too – now that Britney has an album out that figure could skyrocket. Meanwhile Kevin Federline has to live off the $3,000 he got in royalties from PopoZao, whatever money he's got left from that Super Bowl insurance advert and all the handouts he gets from Britney. How's a hustler supposed to piece together an effective legal strategy on a shoestring like that?

The short answer is that he isn't – now that it's become apparent that Kevin Federline can't afford his lawyers it's down to Britney Spears to cough up the outstanding $120,000. Commissioner Scott M. Gordon wrote in his ruling that:

"Even if a party has the ability to pay his or her own fees, a disparity in the parties' respective circumstances may itself demonstrate relative 'need.'"

But if Britney Spears is now paying to try and keep her children and paying for Kevin Federline to take her children away from her, doesn't she get any sort of say in the matter? If we were Britney Spears we'd only agree to pay Kevin Federline's legal bill so long as he promised to sack his current lawyer and instead employ someone who'd be less likely to paint Britney Spears as a terrible mother in court.

True, even a blind Albanian orphan with learning disabilities and no grasp of the American legal system whatsoever would have trouble painting Britney Spears as anything other than a terrible mother but, hey, it's probably still worth a shot anyway, right?