Apparently, ITV’s surprise smash hit The Only Way is Essex is coming back for a third series on Monday and, in a desperate attempt to remind us why we gave a crap in the first place, they’ve been carting the stars out in front of the press. The excitement is almost too much for us to take.
Oh, look at that. We pulled through.
Of course, one star in need of a pay-cheque from the tat-peddling celeb factory that is TOWIE is Jessica Wright. Speaking to some awful red-top tabloid, the quintessential Essex stereotype told the braying masses what they can expect of her and it appears there might be a few changes.
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The lies with which Heidi Montag is filled are the softest known to man. So, when you give her a squeeze, you can’t tell she’s fake. Realising that her star has lost its luster, Heidi has taken to flat-out embellishing about her disfigured form in order to remain in the media. And, because we’re a giving bunch, we’re going to oblige my mocking her.
Heidi hasn’t been in the news much, for the better part of a year. The last thing she really did was mutilate herself, of her own free will, on the operating table, while bemused photographers from an American magazine watched on. Pretty much, that was the last thing she did, except fake a divorce and fake the release of a sex tape, to keep herself in the tabloids.
It’s a pretty sad state of affairs that that’s what it takes to remain on television. At least the Kardashians were willing to take one in the eye for the team and be a little more open about their lack of talent. It’s the smoke, mirrors and subterfuge that’s bothersome with Heidi.
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Okay, so maybe we’re just reacting to Paris Hilton’s new advert as many of our readers react to the sarcasm on these pages – by taking things at face value.
But it would appear that Paris Hilton is indeed running for the presidency of the United States of America. In a video statement released to political hardline site Funny or Die, Hilton responded to the recent campaign ad from John McCain and the Republican party with her own brand of politics.
In the original ad, Paris was likened to Democratic Senator Barack Obama – popular, but ultimately vacuous and easily forgotten (or maybe it was the other way round). It would seem that young miss Hilton didn’t take too kindly to these words and has launched something of a war on the Republican Party, vowing to bring them down if it’s the last thing she does.
Okay, so maybe we’re going a bit overboard – even told a couple of porkie pies. She isn’t trying to bring down the Republican Party. She isn’t actually running for presidency. And Funny or Die isn’t technically a political hardline site.
But she has been involved in a video response, so it’s not all bad news laced with lies.
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No. Just no. There’s a line, it was already crossed and now it’s being urinated on from the other side. This has to stop. Right now.
One more time, for the road, Miley Cyrus has got half naked, someone has taken photos and one more time, for the road, they have been uploaded on to the internet. And we all know how very much the world of the internet loves pictures of 15-year-olds in small amounts of clothing.
She’s fifteen, people. Stop it. If this were a no-name young girl from Bognor Regis then whomever uploaded these pictures would probably receive something of a slapped wrist by the local authorities, but because it’s a superstar Disney child-celeb it’s all fine to go plastering half the internet with scantly-clad photographs of her.
Go on – search for it. You’ll find them on supposedly respectable sites, including FOX News. This is the same FOX News that cries crocodile tears and attempts to whip up public outrage every time anything ‘immoral’ happens in the world. Apparently a small girl in her underwear doesn’t qualify for that same outrage – in fact, it’s news.
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We once went on a beach body diet, you know. It worked, too – after six weeks we looked exactly like a beach. Still do. It’s uncanny.
But we digress. We’re about to link to a gallery of famous women in bikinis, thanks to OSOYOU. You know exactly what you’re going to get here – if you’re female you can alternate between envy and glee as you flick between celebrities who look good in their bikinis and celebrities who look like messy old fartbags.
And, if you’re male, you can look at the pictures and decide whether or not you’d like to have sex with the celebrities before deciding that, yes, you’d probably have sex with all of them. Even Amy Winehouse. Then you can go and cry. For this is how all men work. Anyway, pictures! Let’s go!
Celebs In Bikinis – OSOYOU
Come gather round children, for that most marvellous of phenomena has occurred once more. Britney Spears has got semi-naked in public. Hallelujah!
As we all know, there are only two things that perpetuate the spinning of the earth on its axis these days – celebrities and naked girls.
They are everywhere, constantly vying for our attention. It’s a daily clash of the titans; one day naked girls will get a unanimous victory, only for celebrities to get their sweet revenge soon after, leaving a bloody pool of tits, ass and ego all over the streets in their wake.
The only time peace can be found is when the two of them merge their awesome powers together, creating that all powerful attention-grabbing freak of nature that is: the naked-girl-celebrity.
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