Tupac Shakur wasn’t just one of the most average rappers to ever grace the mic. He was also a man who very rarely wore a shirt. He was really very, very keen when it came to showing off his grotesquely pumped up torso.

However, his family aren’t keen on the idea of another pumped up bit of his anatomy being aired for all to see as they’re threatening to sue anyone who publishes his sex tape.

Does this sex tape even exist? Seems so. And we’ve got ourselves a still from it with a disclaimer so no-one takes us to court.

Of course, the news that there was an inevitably disappointing sex tape was about to hit our brains saw something of a bidding war between smut vendors. However, Tupac’s family are vowing that this tape should never, ever see the light of day.

Presumably because it will tarnish his squeaky-clean image. If there’s one thing that Tupac didn’t do, like the other rappers, is shoot guns, smoke drugs and promote a life of murderous crime. He did swear a little though.

Yup, the rapper’s family have said that they “will sue anyone who tries to sell a Tupac tape.”

‘Pac’s mother – Afeni Shakur – has reportedly told her representatives:

“Get the legal team ready because we will not allow someone to put it out.”

Here’s TMZ providing the “photographic evidence” which supports the claim that this tape indeed exists. The tape itself, of course, allegedly shows Shakur getting his bits gobbled while he dances around and smokes what appears to be an exotic roll-up.

Money B of Digital Underground is also milling around, at one point, walking into the frame. Of course, Tupac being the kind soul that he is, apparently puts his arm around Money B, which is nice considering that his engorged member was on display while his little rapper eyes rolled around his soon-to-be-dead rap skull with pleasure.

Either way, this tape won’t do much damage to Tupac’s legacy… that’s because the huge number of dreadful posthumous releases have seen to that.

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There’s nothing quite like celebrity genitals. They’re much, much better than non-famous genitals. And trumping all those are the famous genitals of a celebrity cadaver. That’s why we’re all getting excited about Tupac!

See, Tupac Shakur isn’t just a pretty average rapper who got good in people’s eyes the minute he died.

He’s also a man who can get a nosh from a lady while dancing around to his own music while smoking cheap drugs. He’s our hero. And now, with the news that a sex tape is floating around, two bongo film distributors are locking becondomed antlers in a bid to buy it, so we can all watch it for free on some dodgy website. Seriously – there’s massive idiots out there who actually pay for skinny flicks.

The ferocious cock-fight to buy the rights to the Tupac sex tape has already seen bids hitting six-figures.

Get this. Such is the nature of this stupid industry, both companies are throwing the cheque book at it despite having not seen the footage.

BUT THEY WANT THE RIGHTS ALL THE SAME.

Let it be known that we are currently in possession of a 14 minute clip of a man receiving fellatio from a man AND a woman who APPEARS to be Elvis Costello. We’re assuming it’s Elvis Costello because we imagine that he’s got curly black pubes.

Start your bidding now. Especially YouPorn because you’re the only people properly daft enough to throw $150k at a tape you haven’t seen or verified yet.

And of course, there’s no real money to be made from this because everyone is going to stream it or torrent it elsewhere as soon as it hits the web.

Anyway, what would Tupac say about all this? Well, here’s a video relating to him being filmed with an engorged member.

Enjoy. Dirty swines.

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You remember Tupac Shakur don’t you guys? He was that vaguely famous rapper who everyone decided was really great because he died, rather than got good at rapping. In fact, he was a far better actor than he ever was at making music.

And this article does contain 2Pac on film and a little juice, but it’s not about lads getting into trouble and a DJing competition.

Nope. This is regarding a five minute tape that allegedly shows the rapper – now dead – receiving oral sex from an unidentified woman while he sings and dances along to his own music. That’s not unusual at all. We all love listening to our own voice on tape while dancing around with our member inside someone’s mouth. Perfectly normal behaviour.

Apparently, the footage was filmed during a house party in ’91 and sees Tupac, with a drink in one hand and quite probably a joint in the other, having a nice talk with Money B from Digital Underground while the lady continues to chew his guts.

Of course, professional ambulance chasers TMZ.com are the people everyone is looking at to release the tape.

It goes without saying that Tupac isn’t the first celebrity to appear in a sex tape, but he’s definitely one of the first famous corpses to appear in video with his excitable glans on the go.

And what with Shakur being elevated to a falsely lofty position thanks to his premature death (see also: Kurt Cobain, Heath Ledger and Marilyn Monroe), there’ll be a whole load of interesting in seeing his famous wang getting some action.

We sincerely hope that this is the beginning of a new trend in posthumous sex-tape leaks, featuring people who can no longer blush when such a thing finds its way into the public domain.

That said, half the fun is the resultant squirming that greets every leaked nude and whatnot. All you need to know is that Tupac couldn’t rap for shit.

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Tupac. What a terrible, terrible rapper. Of course, he had bags of charisma and could’ve been a great actor, but seriously, he didn’t release many great records.

However, he most certainly saw the benefit of being shot. After taking a bullet, he cemented himself in the ‘for real’ league and then, well, he became a legend when he got shot and released more records in death than he did when he was alive like a black Elvis.

However, there’s those that don’t believe he’s even dead. Well, ‘Pac’s chums – The Outlawz – would beg to differ. Why? Because they smoked his ashes.

This isn’t some rap euphemism you’ve missed a memo on. The Outlawz are actually saying that they got his ashes and rolled them into a joint and smoked them.

Oh, they just happen to be reuniting as well, which is a huge coincidence.

Basically, the idea came from one of 2Pac’s tracks and the daft sods that make up The Outlawz went and took him seriously.

And here they are, telling you all about it and the nice chicken wings they had.

If you don’t know who The Outlawz are, they appeared with 2Pac on one of the most vicious beef records ever made in Hit ‘Em Up. Listen. It’s got bad words in it, obviously.

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Remember Tupac Shakur? Good looking, talented, excellent in Juice as the unhinged Bishop. He had it all apart from one vital thing – he really never made a decent record. Sure, there were a coupla good moments, but he was never truly great. So good thing he died young to cement his place in the pantheon of hip hop’s greatest.

Of course, his premature end was a big twist in one of pop-cultures most fascinating sagas. The Tupac/Biggie beef was big news for the music press at the time and, when Shakur was pictured flicking the bird while being wheeled onto an ambulance after getting shot, everybody was hooked, despite the lack of good records.

As you know, ‘Pac was eventually gunned down and the whole thing spawned a million conspiracy theories from blunted wasters, all scurrying around their modems trying work out whodunnit?, but to no avail. Then there were the corpse cash-in releases (posthumous, if you prefer). And now, the New York Police Dept. are investiagting a Tupac shooting all over again.

Now, seeing as New York City is like the modern equivalent of Rome, with all manner of immoral and dodgy stuff going down constantly, you’d think the NYPD would have something better to do than to look at the case of Tupac Shakur again, mainly because all their efforts won’t bring him back to life and, more pertinently, won’t stop the unending dross released under his name since he shrugged off his mortal coil.

That’s not stopping them though as they’ve launched a formal investigation into an online posting from felon Dexter Issac who claims to have shot and robbed Shakur in ’94. NYPD have to determine whether this claim is legitimate first. So if you’re living in NYC currently, and generally alive and a target for bullets, the police might not be able to help as quickly because they’re all having a circle jerk over a celebrity cadaver. Okay? Good.

Dexter, who is currently serving a life-sentence for a whole bunch of nasty shit, has decided to ‘fess-up, claiming that he was paid $2,500 dollars by James “Jimmy Henchman” Rosemond to rob Tupac at a studio in Manhattan.

Dexter says:

“He [Rosemond] gave me $2,500, plus all the jewelry I took, except for one ring, which he wanted for himself. It was the biggest of the two diamond rings that we took. He said he wanted to put the stone in a new setting for his girlfriend at the time, Synthia Ried. I still have as proof the chain that we took that night in the robbery.”

This is lovely timing on Issac’s behalf as it is the eve of what would have been Tupac’s 40th birthday. And with that, he’d like to apologise.

“I want to apologize to his family [Tupac Shakur] and for the mistake I did for that sucker [Jimmy Henchman]. I am trying to clean it up to give [Tupac and Biggie's] mothers some closure.”

Here we go again…

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The world today is rife with conspiracy theories like never before. There are people out there who believe 9/11 was an inside job. There are people who believe the moon landing was staged.

There are people who think Jay-Z is profiting from the African slave trade. Lily Allen’s Dad believes Princess Diana was murdered and one guy hecklerspray knows thinks badgers are actually midgets crawling around the woods in costume.

And now Alicia Keys says Gangsta Rap was created by the government and the media in an effort to get influential black people to kill each other, so they don’t have to.

Ms Keys told Blender magazine:

“‘Gangsta rap’ was a ploy to convince black people to kill each other, ‘Gangsta rap’ didn’t exist.”

She also claims that the murders of Tupac Shakur and Notorious B.I.G, back in September 1996 and March 1997 respectively, were fueled by “the government and the media, to stop another great black leader from existing“.

Hecklerspray would like to remind readers that we didn’t even exist back then, so our conscience is clean.

Or Is it? Maybe we did exist, but were operating on an invisible level. Maybe we were posting anti-2Pac and Biggie articles in a font that could only be read by rich, white people? Can you prove it otherwise? You can’t, can you? You’ll just have to take our word for it (mwa-ha-ha!).

Alicia also explained the reasons she wears a gold AK-47 pendent around her neck. It is because it “symbolize strength, power and killing them dead”. For some reason she doesn’t go on to say exactly who ‘them’ are. Wait a minute…maybe she’s referring to us; the hecklerspray folk; readers, writers and all?

Think about it; have you ever heard Alicia Keys say she likes hecklerspray before? Have you ever heard Alicia Keys say she likes you before? In fact, we don’t believe Alicia has ever expressed any love for our people. This is getting spooky – does Alicia Keys want to kill us dead?

Just to be safe, let’s all stay away from Alicia Keys and her music until the day she pledges allegiance to the hecklerflag. Get yourself a gold hecklerspray pendant of Stuart Heritage’s face, hang it round your neck and tell people it “symbolizes strength, power, weekly stories about Lindsay Lohan’s tits, the avoidance of Alicia Keys and killing ‘em dead with our superb use of cruel/witty reporting”.

But even that has its risks. Why should we trust you lot? You’ve no doubt got an alternative agenda like everyone else. Probably best everyone just stays at home with their families.

But what if it turns out all our parents have been nurturing us all these years into becoming cash cows to fund their early retirement? Ok, so we all go home but we are to stay in our rooms, alone, only leaving at allotted times to get food from the kitchen and use the bathroom.

But what if our personality splits into two while we’re alone? Maybe one half of us will want the other half dead? In which case, the half that doesn’t want us dead has no choice but to saw itself free from the other half. This will leave us all dead, but we will at least be safe.

Ah, screw all that – let’s all have a cuddle!

Alicia says that, in the future, she wants to write more political songs and feels that if black leaders like late Black Panther Huey Newton “had the outlets our musicians have today, it’d be global. I have to figure out a way to do it myself”.

Hang on a minute…What if Alicia Keys is merely a creation of the government and media, a singing hologram used to bore people into submission, leaving us feeling powerless against the rise of the New World Order?

What if…What if…What if she’s right?

Read More – Alicia’s Conspiracy Theories – OK! Magazine