It’s that time of the year again when music lovers gather in a field to celebrate the thing they love, live music.

There are all sorts of festivals to cater for all sorts of musical tastes in all four corners of the world. The main ones kick off at this time of year and hecklerspray is here to tell you all you need to know about each festival, who the essential people are to see and which act to avoid so you can queue up for the overflowing shit-filled portaloos.

We begin with the first big festival-type affair of the year, this weekend’s Radio 1’s Big Weekend down in Kent. This particular bash doesn’t have a fixed location, but over the years it has proved to be a popular event for all who can get a ticket.

Now listening to Radio 1 may not be to everyone’s taste. Listening to Chris Moyles‘ self-indulgent rants and enduring the apparent queen of radio Jo Whiley may slightly grate on some people. However, Radio 1 is part of the BBC and in return for the Beeb wasting license fee money on stupid flashy graphics for the news, they do occasionally give the public something back. It comes in the form of free music for gig goers.

What makes the festival such a success is that it gives people the chance to see high-flying bands of the moment who normally wouldn’t get the chance. In previous years, Radio 1 has been to Sunderland, Preston and now it’s the turn of Maidstone.

Instead of the people of these towns and cities having to travel for live music, it comes to them. However, the popularity of this concept always knackers things up. 500,000 applied for tickets this year. We don’t think that 500,000 live in Maidstone, though. More than likely people have applied from all over the UK in the hope they are selected in order to make a quick buck on ebay.

As per usual, this festival doesn’t take too many daring risks on who is playing. Most of the acts currently have albums out or are playlisted on the station. No chance of any Ethiopian jazz on the bill. But before we get too cynical, there is a new stage this year showcasing unsigned talent from the local area. So for anyone daring, there could be something new and exciting for them.

Held over two days, the free gig does offer a spectacular line up, and if have got your hand on a ticket, we have selected some of the bands to see and those to miss.

Saturday – Go go go!

Madonna – Watching a pensioner crawl and roll around on stage whilst trying to remain sexy and dignified is a test that will make either vomit or laugh endlessly. Though the vomiting could be brought on by the ropey £5 uncooked burgers you bought earlier in the day.

The Ting Tings – Should be interesting to see how they perform live. Their current single is as good as the first and a big crowd should be there to see how they tackle a live outing

Saturday – Avoid like the plague

Paramore – Sounds just like Avril Lavigne when she was in her grungy and pissed off with the world period. But this time it’s labelled as a band’s sound and not one of a solo artist.

The Hoosiers – You’re not kooky, new or cutting edge. Instead you look like wankers as you prance around like twats.

Sunday – Go go go!

Goldfrapp – Cooler then an ice lolly, Alison Goldfrapp pioneers a cool blend of ambiance and electronica. The electronic sound that granny Madonna rips off.

Gallows – They will tear you a new arse hole. No prisoners are taken.

Sunday – Avoid like the plague

Pendulem live/DJ set - For fuck’s sake, you’re already doing a live set on the same day with your drum and bass which is wooden and bland. So why bother doing a rubbish DJ set when someone else could take the slots? Give us London Elektricity instead!

Basshunter – To recreate the sound of Basshunter, smash your head off a wall. Or we’ll do it for you if we find out you have a copy of their kebab shop anthem.

Now that another man's unborn baby is living in her stomach, Jessica Alba runs the risk of alienating her biggest market – the horny teenage boy.

And while the pregnancy means that they won't get to see Jessica Alba running around in her skimpies on film for a while, Jessica has thrown them a proverbial bone by talking at length about how big and squashy her newly-engorged boobs are. 

Teenagers, don't wank yourself into a blistered stump just yet – you haven't exactly heard what Jessica Alba has to say yet.

It's hard not to feel sorry for Jessica Alba sometimes. All she wants is to stand out from the crowd but the crowd won't let her. After all, it's not like she's the only pretty, almost-nude girl in Hollywood who churns out films so bad it seems like she's punishing us all for something.

But then Jessica Alba got pregnant – something that finally set her apart from her peers. And then what happened? Every single one of her peers got pregnant, that's what. Now Jessica Alba is back at square one again, having to compete for attention among the likes of Angelina Jolie and Nicole Kidman and Halle Berry and – just to really rub it in – old square-jaw from 24.

So if you were Jessica Alba, what would your next move be? You're right – you'd start banging on about your tits like a woman possessed.

And although Jessica Alba has hinted at her boobies in the past, now it's time for her to describe exactly how massive and round and wobbly and, well, booby her boobies are getting. The Sun reports:

Jessica – who will have her first child with fiance Cash Warren in the spring – said : "I was like: 'Wow, where did these breasts come from?' It was instant. It was great, they're nice, but shocking."

And that's not all – just the other week Jessica Alba was loudly proclaiming that it won't be long until she's got a young mouth clamped to her huge, traffic-stopping, see-them-from-the-moon, marshmallowy boobies:

“Breast-feeding is kind of like the only thing I have been paranoid about – more than giving birth.”

Listen here Jessica Alba – stop it. Stop talking about your boobies. Yes, we know they're gigantic, but we're starting to get the impression that you could somehow manage to shoehorn a reference to your knockers into a serious discussion about international trade deficit, and it's getting old. Enough is enough. Leave your boobies alone.

It'll just make the lecture on how badly the birth messed up your vagina seem less important.

Read more:

'Pregnancy boobs are best' – The Sun