In what will no doubt prove to be an almighty blunder, Big Brother XI – the gripping final series – has rather stupidly gone up against a World Cup. It’s a bit like attempting to celebrate your 21^st birthday on the day that Princess Diana died. How do we know that? Don’t ask questions, we just do.

It was not a good day for celebrations.

Anyway, we’re something like a week in now, and this series looks set to go down in history as the sixth or seventh finest yet. Who will go tomorrow? Who will win? Read on to find out.

The first eviction finds an all-female head-to-head-to-head between Shabby, Rachael and Sunshine. A hunch suggests that Shabby will go.

With regards to the other two, Big Brother has pulled the clever trick of removing all focus from Sunshine since the nominations were aired, meaning that instinctive voters won’t have anything to go on, and those who found her abominable during the first few days will have been suitably distracted by Shabby’s stupid hats, and her weird voice that sounds like it really should belong to someone at least twenty years her senior.

Rachael – the beggar’s version of Beyonce – would have been immediately discarded had the eviction been staged at the very moment that she entered the house, but her inability to handle the fact that no-one appears to want to have it off with her might yet garner her a twisted sympathy vote. It suggests the possibility of an inner journey towards humility, which viewers will find thrilling. Plus, there is the very slim chance that one of her rows with John James – the world’s most serious Australian – could escalate into a full shag. If there’s a potential love story going, people will want to see it unfold.

All of which leads to Shabby’s demise. Rather confusingly, for a woman who squats in houses with mobs of highly irritating trustafarians in real life, she has struggled with communal living. And her bad reaction to getting nominated will not have gone down well with the trigger happy voters. Hence, for being a bit weird, brash, a bit too much of a lesbian, and dressing like an extra in Oliver!, she’ll be toast.

As for the rest of them, there is still a long way to go. So far, the series looks set to be defined by a curious ongoing sexual ambivalence, which finds most of the house not entirely sure whether they’re gay or not. Pretty soon it’ll be boy on boy, girl on girl. Girl to boy, to girl, to girl, to boy. Then John James might start mindlessly rubbing himself against Rachael in a moment of weakness.

Great stuff. Milkmaid to win!

This was a guest blog by Josh Burt from Glorious Interestment

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Now that Big Brother has approximately 42,000 housemates, a cull seemed like the most sensible option.

So a cull it is – this week, 11 housemates are up for eviction, with only Lisa and Rodrigo definitely safe – which is ironic, because Big Brother‘s entire audience is desperate to get rid of Lisa at the first opportunity.

We’re not going to talk about all 11 nominated Big Brother housemates, because frankly we can’t be arsed, so let’s concentrate on the three who stand most chance of being evicted tomorrow. So that’ll be Noirin, Marcus and Kenneth, then…

Noirin - If you saw Big Brother‘s eviction show last week, then it might have come as a surprise to see Karly get evicted, since the Big Brother crowd seemed determined to rupture their lungs by booing every time Davina McCall mentioned Noirin, alluded to Noirin or said a word that rhymes with Noirin like, um, sporran. Worse still, Noirin hasn’t done anything to endear herself to the Big Brother audience in the last seven days, apart from continue her creepy non-relationship with Marcus that’s becoming more and more like Who’s Afraid Of Virginia Woolf every day. Only a giant arsehole could take the heat off Noirin this week, but luckily there’s a giant arsehole right there in the Big Brother house.

Marcus – Everyone has got a friend like Marcus. You know the sort of friend we’re talking about. The one who you describe to other people by saying “Oh, yeah, Marcus is great. He’s really funny, yeah, he’s a right laugh. Top bloke. But, you know, it might not be a good idea to leave him alone around women. He gets a bit rapey sometimes.” And, unfortunately for Marcus, he’s trapped in a house with some girls. Specifically he’s trapped in a house with Noirin, who is a) his dream woman and b) completely disinterested. And it’s turning him into a complete tool, especially now that other housemates are starting to take an interest in her. It’s uncomfortable to watch. Only a giant arsehole could take the heat off Marcus this week, but luckily there’s a giant arsehole right there in the Big Brother house.

Kenneth – Who ordered the giant arsehole? We’ve only got one with extra dickishness, is that OK? It’s dear old Kenneth, the man who, although officially calling himself an ‘international playboy’, seems to have been precision-designed to alienate everyone he comes into contact with. The Big Brother housemates hate him for his fairly obvious sleaziness and casual misogyny. The viewers hate him because he’s smarmy and insincere. And if Davina McCall doesn’t visibly shudder when she gets within six feet of him tomorrow we’ll be genuinely surprised. Only a giant arsehole could take the heat off Kenneth this week, but… oh, who are we kidding? Kenneth’s the biggest arsehole in the history of the world. Let’s just state his eviction as fact now and move on.

UPDATE – Oh great, it looks like Kenneth has escaped the Big Brother house of his own free will. So Marcus is it, then.

UPDATE TWO – The eviction’s been cancelled. We don’t know why we bother. We really bloody don’t.

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We’re confused. Scared and confused. Scared and confused and incontinent. And it’s all Big Brother‘s fault. Sods.

Why? What did Big Brother do? It didn’t nominate Halfwit for eviction this week. Don’t these idiots understand how Big Brother works? Nothing ever happens and then Halfwit gets nominated for eviction. THAT’S HOW BIG BROTHER WORKS, IDIOTS!

But this week, oh no. The Big Brother housemates have realised that a bucket of plague couldn’t shift Halfwit from the house, which is why Shiavash, Dogface, Noirin and Karly are up for eviction instead. So let’s have a bloody look at them, then…

Siavash – Hey, fans of genuinely mental facial hair! Relax! Your hero Siavash should be safe this week. You see, Siavash has pulled off a very unusual trick in recent weeks. It’s known as ‘being fairly reasonable’. We don’t know where he got it from – we’re assuming that he copied it from someone, because nobody with a dress sense that alarmingly awful could come up the the idea of niceness by himself. And besides, Siavash was only put up for eviction this week because he’s got a slightly dirty mouth. And remember kids, swearing is cool AND grown up!

Dogface – You know when you go to the zoo and there’s a old couple of lions? And then the boy lion dies and the girl lion spends two months forlornly staring out into space before dying as well? Strap a pair of ridiculous comedy tits onto the girl lion and that’s basically Dogface’s predicament inside the Big Brother house. Since Kris was evicted, Dogface has had little to do except mope around, halfheartedly fend off a number of lesbian advances and moderately swear. The swearing’s why she’s been nominated, by the way. It’s like a kind of verbal euthanasia, or something.

Noirin - Look, we’re going to stick our neck out here and beg you. You absolutely must not vote Noirin out of the Big Brother house this week. By general consensus, this has been the dullest Big Brother ever, and the only housemate even attempting to punctuate that is Noirin. Yes, she’s opinionated. Yes, she’s loud. Yes, she’s completely alienated everyone else in the Big Brother house by acting like an uppity brat – but without her, what would Big Brother be? Three months of Rodrigo being reasonable? Ugh. UGH. Plus Noirin keeps promising to get naked and she hasn’t yet. That reason too.

Karly – And then there’s Karly, the favourite to be evicted from the Big Brother house by a mile. Which is bizarre, because it goes against every piece of Big Brother logic we’ve ever heard. Usually the public will need to remember that a housemate actually exists to evict them, but that doesn’t seem to be the case with Karly. She’s tried to slip under the radar and failed, probably because she’s too busy doing her best to look like Fearne Cotton if Fearne Cotton had been born in a caravan and then bullied into prostitution at an early age by an abusive step-father figure. Anyway, it looks like Karly’s a goner.

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One of the problems of this year’s Big Brother is that only two housemates have ever been nominated for eviction at a time.

Which would be OK, except that the public’s inexplicable love affair with Halfwit means that he’ll never get evicted. The evictions are a foregone conclusion right from the get-go. But things are different this week, oh things are different alright. Halfwit’s up for eviction, as ever, but so is Kris, Dogface, Charlie and Marcus. Big Brother is exciting again!

Well, maybe not ‘exciting’ per se, but, um, you know… oh, let’s just look at their chances of getting evicted, OK?

Charlie – We’ve yet to write a single thing about Charlie so far, and that’s for a very simple reason – he never does anything. Or maybe he does and we never pay attention to him, probably because his voice reminds us of what Marcus Bentley‘s voice would sound like if he fell down a pit, broke his leg and stayed there for a week. Anyway, it’s fairly certain that Charlie won’t get evicted from Big Brother tomorrow night. This isn’t because he’s nice, though – it’s because his entire life’s ambition seems to be centred around coming fourth on Big Brother. And we don’t to break the poor lad’s heart.

Halfwit - Halfwit won’t go because, duh, he’s Halfwit. He’s Halfwit The Invincible. Nothing can kill Halfwit The Invincible! Nothing! Not a public vote-off against Cairon, not a public vote-off against Sree, nothing! We’ve calculated that it’ll be another three weeks before Halfwit’s continued survival genuinely makes him legitimately believe that he’s really invincible and he’ll throw himself off the roof of the Big Brother house to prove it. Three more weeks. Stick in there, kids.

Dogface - Now, it’s easy to say that Dogface won’t be evicted from Big Brother this week because she’s got gigantic tits. But this isn’t the case whatsoever – remember that the majority of Big Brother voters are teenage girls, and they don’t like rewarding girls for having big tits; they like happyslapping girls with big tits and voluntarily putting the assault on the internet. So why do the teenage girls like Dogface enough to keep her in Big Brother? Is it because she’s… a nice… person? No, that doesn’t sound right at all. God knows what the bloody answer is.

Marcus – What? Marcus is only second-favourite to be evicted from Big Brother this week? Why? Didn’t you see him on Friday’s show? He was all “Why dahhn’t you caahm ovah ere an fackiiiin say that?” to Sree, before storming into the Big Brother house and launching into such an impassioned anti-PC defence that it would have made Jim Davidson cry tears of gratitude. Marcus is a villain. Marcus is clearly a villain. He’s so much of a villain that he literally spent the other day walking around the Big Brother house twirling his moustache. What more do you people want? Should we supply him with a child-catcher net? Would that help? Christ.

Kris – And that leaves us with Kris, who is apparently the favourite to be evicted from Big Brother tomorrow night. Once again, we’re not sure why. If Kris goes, the mantle of heterosexual male totty will automatically fall to Shiavash, a man who looks like a Salvador Dali painting of a sinister teddy bear. Actually, we’re being disingenuous here – we know exactly why Kris is the favourite to be evicted from Big Brother. It’s because his Krogface relationship has turned him from a swaggering cock into something worse – the mimsying kind of tosspot who never bothers to interact with anyone else because he’s too busy nuzzling his girlfriend. But, seriously, that makes him worse than Marcus? Seriously?

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On Thursday night the Big Brother housemates voted for nominations live in an attempt to boost ratings.

And it certainly worked because we, um, forgot to watch that particular episode of Big Brother. With dedicated fans like us, no wonder the show’s going from strength to strength. But anyway, it turns out that the Big Brother housemates nominated for eviction tonight are Angel and Halfwit.

One of them has to go – and it doesn’t take a genius to work out which one it’ll be – but for the sake of tradition let’s get down to it and assess their chances of Big Brother survival anyway…

Halfwit – Forget Krogface (yes, we’re still sticking with the Krogface thing. It’ll catch on eventually, we promise) because Halfwit is the only reason to watch Big Brother at the moment. That’s not necessarily because he’s witty and charismatic – because he’s neither, and his stupid voice makes us fantasise about pushing him down a flight of stairs – but because the people in the Big Brother house still haven’t caught onto the fact that he’s inexplicably popular with the public. This is Halfwit’s third nomination in three weeks, and it’ll probably be his third eviction survival. Before long they’ll start to realise that Halfwit is a fan favourite and then – plagued by the knowledge that the viewers prefer a simpering aristocratic bellend with a crap beard to them – they’ll start self-harming for attention. Or Halfwit will get so annoyed by being nominated by his peers week after week that he’ll start smothering them in their sleep. We don’t really care which of these happens first, so long as one of them happens.

Angel – Poor old Angel. She’s up against the confusing might that is Halfwit, and she doesn’t stand a chance. In a way it’ll be sad to see Angel go, because she’s a genuine Big Brother eccentric. What’s more, she’s possibly the horniest Big Brother housemate in years, too – at the last count she’d fallen love with Noirin, made Halfwit fall in love with her and sort of did something dangerously approaching attempted rape on Sree – and given a few more weeks with no action in the Big Brother house there’s a very strong chance that Angel would have started graphically licking herself like a domesticated animal. On the other hand, though, it won’t be too much of a shame to see Angel go, because it means that Big Brother is one step away from ending. So let’s assume that Angel is out tonight. We just hope that she leaves the Big Brother house as she enters it – in slow motion, wearing a top hat, doing cack-handed mime moves and getting booed by just about everyone on the entire planet.

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Wow, Big Brother‘s fascinating this year, isn’t it? Oh, don’t nod and pretend you’re watching it this year – nobody else is.

So for everyone who’s studiously avoiding the show, here’s what’s happened on Big Brother so far: Krogface (yes, we’re sticking with the Krogface thing even if nobody else is) might have had sex. The Russian one stopped eating for a little while. And, oh, what was that other thing? Oh yes, that’s it – nothing else happened at all.

This week, Big Brother will evict either Halfwit or Cairon. Who goes? Nobody cares. But let’s take a look anyway…

Halfwit – Two weeks in and Halfwit has already been nominated for eviction from Big Brother twice. That wouldn’t be a particularly great record to have at the best of times, but on this year’s Big Brother – where the competition is made up of Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons, The World’s Dullest Homosexual and a Russian who’d probably edge Joseph Stalin out of the top spot in terms of ability to irritate – that’s really got to hurt Halfwit’s feelings. It seems as if the other Big Brother housemates dislike Halfwit because he’s so proudly intellectual. Or because he’s an endlessly smug bastard with the most punchable face in the history of reality television. It’s hard to tell. Either way, Halfwit seems to have connected with the fraction of the public that still watches Big Brother, so his position is probably safe for the time being.

Cairon – Cairon, on the other hand, is the hot favourite to be evicted tomorrow night. It’s clear to see why – he’s so busy strutting around the Big Brother house calling everyone “jive-ass monkey-humpers,” or whatever it is he says, and generally giving off the impression that his ultimate goal in life is to become enough of a racial stereotype to have Samuel L Jackson play him in the eventual movie adaptation of his life that he’s forgotten to actually be nice to people. So let’s just assume that Cairon is on his way out of Big Brother. That’d make him the second black housemate in a row to be evicted from this series, and the third non-white housemate. Is this a reflection of the BNP’s comparative success in the recent European elections? Or is it simply because everyone on Big Brother this year is a hopelessly unlikeable bellend who should, by rights, be fired out of a cannon into a brick wall, regardless of the order in which they’re evicted? We wish we cared enough to think this through properly.

Next week: More of this Big Brother nonsense.

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As far as Big Brother goes, tomorrow is going to be a huge day – it’s the first real Big Brother eviction of the year.

And you know what that means? It means that there’s only going to be another seven evictions, then the introduction of four more housemates, then another six evictions, then some more introductions, then some evictions, then a re-introduction, then some more evictions and Big Brother will all be over! Hooray!

Anyway, this week’s Big Brother eviction is between Sophia and Freddie, also known as Halfwit. Who’ll go? Let’s find out…

Halfwit – We know this isn’t going to be a popular thing to say, but we’ve actually developed quite the soft spot for young Halfwit over the short amount of time that Big Brother has been on air. For the first time in years, Big Brother has found a genuinely unpredictable housemate. Not in the tiresome ‘Gor, look at me! I’m being deliberately eccentric!’ way that propelled Crazy Pete to victory all those years ago, but more in the sense that you literally can’t ever guess what he’s about to do. Tuesday’s Big Brother, for example, was a masterclass in guile-free cluelessness – first Halfwit gave a lecture about how he’s an anarchist (just one who’s really, really structured in everything he does); then he cooked a salad using the all the eggs in the house and people got angry and he had to hug someone because he was sad; then he decided to put everything right by performing an Italian aria for everyone, followed by an encore of Summertime that was seemingly inspired by the dying yelps of a homeless man. If Halfwit gets evicted from Big Brother tomorrow, and we don’t say this with any exaggeration, it’ll be the worst thing that’s ever happened to mankind.

Sophia - Similarly, Sophia must leave Big Brother on Friday. She just must. For starters, there’s already a Sophie, a Sophia and a Saffia in the Big Brother house this year, which just seems like shoddy planning on the part of the producers. And then there’s Sophia’s mood-swings, which caused her to lurch from ecstatic euphoria to frightening anger within the space of about three seconds earlier this week. In fact, given the way Sophia’s outburst was treated in the televised broadcast, it seems as if she’s the first disabled Big Brother housemate in about five years who we’ve actively been encouraged to dislike. And we’re all for being discouraged to dislike people. So, yes, her out please.

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