October’s rubbish. Not only do we have to piss around with our clocks to make our days darker, but it gets a lot colder.

But there is a plus to all of this – Halloween! Hooray for Halloween indeed because, unlike Christmas, it isn’t promoted to us three months before it takes place and we don’t have to have awkward family meals with aunts we’d rather not see.

Everyone benefits from Halloween. The kids get to pester neighbours and pick up tons of free sweets. Adults get to pointlessly dress up as ghosts, skeletons and zombies and get drunk at various parties and clubs. But of course, some people in society are all bah humbug about Halloween. This time it’s the turn of the Christians to get their Bible in a twist and proclaim that it’s evil. Just like this man, see his rant after the jump.

Referencing a book that is thousands of years old and hasn’t really been modernised since, this man is a bit angry about Halloween. He’s basically against everyone having a good time and celebrating the living dead. Because we like to heal rifts between people, we can offer some suggestions as to how Christians and Halloween lovers can get along this weekend:

1 – Wear a cross. When Jesus died, he was nailed in to a cross. So why not spread the word and love about Christianity by wearing your own gigantic death cross? Obviously we don’t want you hammering nails into your own hands, but a bit of fake blood here will totally give off the effect.

2 – Dress as a zombie Jesus. This bloke seems to think we’re not religious. How wrong he is. At Christmas, we celebrate Santa and at Easter everyone gets chocolate eggs from a cute bunny! Easter also has something to do with Jesus coming back from the dead, which therefore makes him a zombie. Surely if we dress as a zombie Jesus, all Christians will love us.

3 – Get drunk off wine. Jesus turned water into wine and, at parties, lots of grown-ups get wrecked off wine. Therefore the blood of Jesus is kept alive in us and in the morning, the spirit of Christ will be released via vomiting and trips to the toilet.

We’re unsure if our tips will make this man all happy and joyous, but you know, we’ve done our best. However for any trick or treaters visiting his house that night, we think you should probably steer clear. Instead of getting handfuls of sweets, you’ll just get a junior version of the Bible and one hundred reasons on how to escape from Hell.

Next, we’ll attempt to solve the conflict between Israel and Palestine. We’re on a roll today.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

10 - This woman thinks people watch her because she’s funny. It’s not. It’s her tits…

9 - Finally! Someone’s made tennis interesting – Moolf

8 – Daniel Craig, read and learn: Bond’s best puns – Maxim

7 - X-ray pictures of stupid dogs – Unfabulouz

6 - And here’s how to tell if your cat wants to kill you – Catswhothrowupgrass

5 – Here’s how to get endless brilliant TV shows for free. 1) Go to MySpace. 2) Be American. Grr - MySpace

4 - Will mixing Pop Rocks and soda kill you? No - I Am Bored

3 – 10 computer ads from the 1980s – Techyshit

2 - Everyone’s favourite bits from the Bible – Gremlindog

1 – We’re late to this, we know. But The Bugle is perhaps the best podcast we’ve ever heard - Times

As the world slowly comes to terms with the fact that Matthew McConaughey has successfully spawned, fears over what he’d name his baby have gradually taken hold.

But it’s OK – Matthew McConaughey isn’t like all these other ridiculous celebrities with their weird predilictions for nutty baby names. Instead Matthew McConaughey has chosen a simple, humble name for his new son – Levi Alves McConaughey – after his favourite character in the Bible.

By naming his baby Levi, Matthew McConaughey must secretly hope that the boy grows up to be the equal of the biblical figure – an astrologist who once stabbed the entire male population of a city to death because one of them might have raped his sister. Still, rather that than making romantic comedies for a living like his dad, eh?

Matthew McConaughey has always enjoyed the simple things in life, like surfing and bongo-playing and magically being able to reverse the advanced stages of male pattern baldness at will, so it’s only right that any child of his should be given a name that’s equally simple.

As it just so happens, Matthew McConaughey became a father for the first time earlier this week, and he had just the name ready to bestow upon the baby – Levi.

It’s the perfect name, and not just because it’s an actual name instead of a Countdown-style random series of consonants and vowels – yes, Shiloh Nouvel, we’re looking at you.

Little Levi Alves McConaughey has been blessed with a name packed with meaning and history and hope, for Levi was the grandfather of Moses, the founder of the Israelite tribe of Levi and, later, the man who invented Reggae Reggae Sauce.

Most of all, though, by calling his son Levi, Matthew McConaughey hasn’t succumbed to that uncomfortably egotistical celebrity habit of naming their children after themselves. Which is most certainly a good thing, because that would have made Matthew McConaughey an uncontrollable dick. Matthew explained to OK! magazine:

“Levi was another name for the apostle Matthew in The Bible. They were, in fact, two names for the same person. Our son was born at 6:22 pm, and this particular time represents my favorite verse in the book of Matthew in The Bible: ‘If thy eye be single, thy whole body will be full of light.’”

Wait a minute – Matthew McConaughey has named his son after himself, but in a slightly clever way! What a dick!

Oh, we’re just kidding, sort of. It’s nice that Matthew McConaughey has found such a deeply spiritual meaning to his son’s birth, and it should be seen as an act of destiny that young Levi was born at 6:22pm – one minute later and his birth time would have represented the verse Matthew 6:23, which reads “And lo, I done a guff in a lift and everyone was like ‘Cor that stinks, who did that?’ and I was like ‘Shut up if you think it’s me, you massive gang of wankers’ even though it was me. I am well nang.” A fortunate escape.