Yeah, us too. That was great. We especially liked it when the government of Uganda became so obsessed with the Paris Hilton album that it scrapped its own national anthem in favour of Stars Are Blind, Nothing In This World and Screwed played all the way through six times each.

Oh, wait, no, none of that happened, did it? That’s because the Paris Hilton album was an abject failure that turned Paris into an international laughing stock. Still, at least Paris Hilton managed to scrape together her remaining credibility afterwards, never to return to that debac… what? Paris Hilton is releasing another song? And she’s named it after her new TV show? Oh. Good.

It’s easy to forget what an extraordinary businesswoman Paris Hilton really is. Look at her accomplishments – the way that Paris Hilton managed to get born into a family where her father’s a millionaire real estate developer, her grandfather’s the billionaire co-chairman of an international hotel chain and her great-grandfather was one of the world’s richest men is a shining example to today’s young up-and-comers.

And Paris Hilton’s head for business can be seen in all of her work. Who else but Paris Hilton could build up a product portfolio ingenious enough to include crap fizzy wine sold in cans, a chain of nightclubs built in association with someone who really doesn’t like her and some straggly bits of hair?

Now it’s time for Paris Hilton to put the next piece of her business masterplan into action. Paris Hilton’s new TV show is called My New BFF. Now, while we were under the impression that BFF was an onomatopoeic word to describe the noise Paris Hilton’s clodge makes every time she squeezes out a queef, apparently it stands for Best Friend Forever.

But because just about every two-bit microcelebrity around has their own elimination-based reality TV popularity contest these days, Paris Hilton has a USP for her BFF – she’s releasing a song about the show to coincide with the first episode. Reuters reports:

The show — a search for a new “best friend forever” who is hot, loyal and has the energy to keep up with Hilton’s hectic lifestyle — inspired the techno song Hilton said she co-wrote with her boyfriend Benji Madden. “Could you be the one I want? Could you be the one I need?” the socialite croons. “All of my life, don’t you know I’ve been waiting … for my best friend.” The tune will become the show’s theme song.

Look, we know what you’re thinking. You can remember the last time that Paris Hilton tried her hand at music. She sang a song that sounded a bit like UB40, she released an album that nobody bought and then she edged away quietly because even she realised how utterly without merit she was at everything.

But Paris Hilton only failed as a pop star before because she’d missed out one important fact – none of her songs were about stuff she’d done. My BFF will succeed because everyone will see Paris Hilton on TV and make the cognitive connection between visual and song. It’ll be a hit.

It’s a brilliant manoeuvre and, best of all, it’s not too late for Paris Hilton to start retroactively recording songs about stuff she’s already done. That works out for us too, because we just happen to have demos for two songs called Boo Hoo I Got Drunk And Now I’m In Jail and What? Put Your Cock In My Mouth? Yummy!

Call our people, Paris. We can make this happen.

The Egyptian Sun God Horus; who was naturally begat by Jesus Christ; who was echoed by Nostradamus, and then, most poignantly of all, by Travis Bickle; all spake of a day when the worth of the people of the world would reach such a trough that our almighty lord God would be left with no alternative but to unleash a mighty rain to wash the scum off the streets.

And that day is nigh, our brothers, for 85,000 people have volunteered to become Paris Hilton’s new best friend.

You can waste your time watching as many Al Gore documentaries as you like, but believe hecklerspray when we tell you that global warming is nothing but a 5* hotel-funded conspiracy.

The reason that that tidal wave hit Phuket; the reason that Mardi Gras is now held in a swamp; the reason that the cuckoo now prefers to spend its holidays somewhere other than Kent; is solely down to the existence of Paris Hilton, her mind-numbing minions, MTV and the soon-to-be aired TV show I wanna be Paris’ New Best Friend.

According to People magazine, 85,000 people are seeking a chance to become Paris Hilton’s BFF.

That is far more than enough to fill Wembley stadium. In fact, hecklerspray would like to suggest to MTV that they try to cram all those people into Wembley Stadium.

The ensuing Hillsborough-esque disaster would hopefully go someway to appeasing our understandably furious Lord.

We’d also like to take a moment to apologise to the Lord for our recent reports suggesting the show was in danger of being axed, due to a lack of applicants.

Very embarrassing indeed. It seems no one’s subconscious – not even that of hecklerspray’s – is safe from the retard-tainting of Ms Hilton. On behalf of all humanity, we’d like to apologise for how greatly we’ve let you down.

And so, Lord, from the bottom of our hearts, we thank you for the rain which you are about to unleash.

However, if, by any chance, you could find it in your heart to be more specific with your punishment, then hecklerspray would like to point out that on May 1 Good Charlotte will be performing at Sunfest, in West Palm Beach, Florida, along with Natasha Bedingfield and John Legend.

There is surely no more apt a place for Armageddon to commence.

Read More – Pick me, Paris! 85, 000 vie to be Hilton’s new BFF – AFP

Before turning their attentions back to Deal or No Deal and falling asleep for the rest of the week. Bless ‘em.

And maybe they’re on to something. We have Jessica Simpson describing Scarlett Johansson as unbelievably talented; we have uneducated bloggers posting showbiz articles that infuriate the intense-grammar-loving public of America; and now the word ‘genius’ – once saved for people like Newton, Darwin, Einstein and Darren Anderton – has been used to describe Paris bloody Hilton.

According to Contact Music, Heroes star Hayden Panettiere has said of Paris:

“She’s a nice girl and a lot brighter than people give her credit (for), but no one sees her like that because she plays this character all the time. She’s actually a marketing genius.”

What’s that? It’s all been a marketing ploy? She’s been fooling us with her faux-foolishness this whole time! D’oh!

Shame we missed the meeting where she proposed to the board that, in order for her shooting-star celebrity to become a cash cow, she planned to record herself performing the most erection-repellent sex tape of all time (honestly, you’d be easier aroused lying dead at the local Warcraft convention with Justin Timberlake’s sexy-noise pouring through the speakers as Margaret Thatcher rips her long-johns asunder and squats down above your rigamortified mush. It’s about as sexy as that. Not that we’ve watched it! OK, we watched it, but we didn’t inhale).

To be fair, though, it was a very successful meeting indeed, and now everybody knows who she is and what she’s about (clue: It’s the same thing Seinfeld based a whole show on).

The same can’t be said, however, for the meeting where she proposed that she wants to get MTV to find her a new best friend – forever. A project which, as we’ve already reported, was doomed from the start.

And – God damn it! – if Hayden Panettiere thinks Paris Hilton is a genius then what must she think of herself? That surely puts her IQ on par with that of a dildo – one far too big to fit anywhere effectively.

Stay tuned for more genius showbiz articles, coming to you all day, every day, at hecklerspray.

Read More – Hayden Panettiere: Panettiere – Hilton Is A Genius

This is no doubt something to do with hecklerspray’s article last week, which confirmed to the masses that anyone who wants to compete to become Paris Hilton’s new BFF is a gargantuan retard.

According to Trans World News, an insider said:

“There were less than 40 people there.”

This isn’t much, but is still enough to fill a modest size room and create a scene not too dissimilar from the one’s found in videos of Hitler’s inbreeding experiments, which – it should be remembered – also failed spectacularly. But who knows, maybe MTV is better organized these days than the Nazis were? They’ve certainly got more power.

Paris says she will “teach” the contestants who make it on the show how to be her BFF. It may be wise for them to also take lessons from Paris’ hitherto most loyal friend:

1) Be cute.

2) Be incapable of speaking sense.

3) Be small enough to fit in a handbag.

Get those three points covered, and you’ll definately avoid the weekly elimination. Paris has said:

“(I want someone I can) trust and not someone who’s going to stab me in the back – it’s happened a lot in this town. Just someone I can have fun with, someone who could be like my sister.”

Someone who could be like your sister, hmmm? Why not just dress up your drink-driving, cabbage-patch-kid-faced brother Baron in one of your wigs? That’s probably your best bet. You’d probably find you have a lot in common, like the shared experience of being the foremost example to the theory ‘all rich kids are worthless dicks’.

You could even have a child together. The nine months it will take you to create your son/daughter/nephew/niece will surely be less painful than the process of seeing this show through to its bitter end.

And if your body was to healthily reject the gene pool prematurely, all you’d have to do is tie a pretty pink bow around its neck, therefore helping it to pass the aforementioned three point plan, and you’d gain yourself another BFF, as well as a play mate for Tinkerbell!

It’s all so obvious when you think about it.

Read More – Paris Hilton Best Friend Show Short On Applicants – TWN

Instead the candidates will first have to pass an interview with two of the casting directors of MTV reality show ‘Paris Hilton’s My New BFF’.

According to the Metro, the premise of the show is this: ‘hot bitches’ and ‘fabulously fierce guys’ – or ‘girls’ and ‘gay fellas’ as they were once known – battle it out to become Paris Hilton’s new best friend forever.

Forever!

What level of mind would consider that a worthy cause to fight for? And worse – what level of mind would watch such a show?

Oh! Of course – it would be a mind akin to that which is interested in the home-life of a flimsy-yellow-t-shirt-tearing-OAP, we suppose, and there seems to be a truly depressing amount of them. Does anyone remember when MTV had shows like Beavis and Butthead? What the fuck happened?

Perhaps Paris herself has had similar doubts about the contestant's mental states, which is why she is point-blank refusing to meet the maniacs. It all depends on whether you consider her capable of such foresight.

It’s also further proof behind her theory that her independence is growing as each day passes. Not so long ago, if she’d have wanted a new BFF, she’d have just asked daddy for one. But now, because of the frenzied attention we’ve all been giving her and the money and fame she’s managed to extract from it, she is able to get a television company to bend over backwards and find her a friend instead! Oh, what a life she has!

The other route for Paris to take on her quest to find a BFF would be the path us normal folk are most used to, that of ‘trying, over a number of years – perhaps a lifetime – to be a good, nice, friendly person to someone else’. But we don’t understand what it’s like to have such power and, until we do, our suggestions are without experience or worth.

Hecklerspray does hope that it all works out, and hopes the experience will be rich and life fulfilling for all involved.

Remember to get your minge out, contestants – she loves all that – and don't forget to leave any respect you had for your daddy at home – cos' it be time to impress Paris Hilton!

Yee-haw!

Read More – Paris won't meet new best friend – Metro