Beyonce Knowles - HecklerSpray

Beyonce’s Use of Photoshop is Killing My Soul

September 29th, 2014 By Krysta Fitzpatrick

Oh, Beyonc?, what has become of you? Up until very recently, I have been a huge fucking Beyonc? fan. I think she’s beyond talented (like her husband, Jay Z, said, she’s the greatest entertainer of our generation) and I even named her one of the twelve coolest feminists in Hollywood, but now I’m starting to think I was giving way too much credit to good old Mrs. Carter.

Beyonc? has been accused of photo-shopping her Tumblr and Instagram pictures to look thinner, like she’s a goddamn Kardashian or something. For a while, I didn’t buy into it, just like I had trouble believing that Beyonc? and Jay Z STUNTED me with all their divorce shit, but her latest Tumblr pics have me thinking that maybe Queen Bey isn’t some feminist icon, but instead just a Kardashian level basic bitch who photo-shops her thighs.

Beyonce Has Fake Baby Inside Her While Surrogate Suffers. Possibly.

October 11th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Oh look at you, all pleased for Beyonce and Jay-Z for growing a lickle baby waby inside her. It’s amazing isn’t it? She’ll go from Best Woman In The World to Shoving Stupid Pictures Of Her Spawn All Over Her Stupid Facebook in one felled swoop.

Of course, if you’ve been gawping at her, you will have noticed that she has been showing something of a baby bump off. This is so we can all coo about her pregnancy glow, right?

Well, rumour has it that, while she is indeed waiting on a baby, she’s not pregnant at all! NOT PREGNANT AT ALL. So what’s the muttering?

Cops Pull Switchblade On Solange Knowles’ Gigantic Banana

August 30th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

How was your bank holiday weekend? Chances are, it wasn’t nearly as eventful as Solange ‘Beyonce’s Sister’ Knowles… unless of course, you’re always having policemen stab your giant banana with a switchblade.

Of course, in America, it is tradition to carry a humongous banana with you when you’ve found out you’re going to be an auntie (Beyonce is having a baby. Haven’t you heard? Expect a horrible ‘motherhood’ LP in the near future).

However, Miami police (the same ones that fished Sean Kingston’s nearly-dead body out of the water not too long ago) haven’t heard of this tradition and promptly tried to stab the banana, thinking it was some dreadful Godzilla thing about to rampage through the city.

Beyonce’s New Perfume Advert Will Definitely Make You Think Impure Thoughts

November 17th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

If you have even the vaguest trace of a pulse, then there’s a strong chance you fancy Beyonce Knowles. Even if you’re a massive racist, you probably still would. Well, if you think she’s looked hot in the past, brace yourself to become full-on aroused.

Her advert for her new perfume, called ‘Heat’, is sexually charged to the point where you may convince yourself that your computer is about to cum.

As such, the commercial for her personal perfume has been hammered by the folks at the Advertising Standards Authority. But not, you’ll be glad to learn, barred by us who are more than happy to show it to you.

Beyonce Not Pregnant According To Mum. Unless She Is.

October 21st, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

Beyonce has fine child bearing thighs. We’d know because we’ve spent countless hours staring at them in all their majesty. Of course, to make the entire human race jealous, Jay-Z spend a fair bit of his time between them. Having sex. Sex with Beyonce. Naked. Rapping.

And the rumours circulating at the moment is that Beyonce didn’t put her spermicidal diaphragm in or that Jay-Z went in bareback and got her fallopian tubes pregnant.

Unless of course, the baby belongs to hecklerspray, by which we mean, we didn’t have sex with Beyonce and therefore she can expect to not give birth. You’d be astonished at the huge volume of we haven’t got pregnant here at the hecklerspray bedsit.

Cadillac Records – DVD Review

August 5th, 2012 By David Scarborough

Adrian Brody has managed to dazzle many a woman with his modestly-sized schnoz, thereby blind-siding them so he can then attack their lips. It worked on Halle Berry and Naomi Watts – and now he is at it again with Beyonce Knowles!

The independent woman is at the acting game again, this time alongside Brody who plays Leonard Chess, founder of Chess Records. The film tells the story of the rise of Chess Records and its owner along with its first artist Muddy Waters (Jeffrey Wright). Other notable artists join the two in the studios, including; Chuck Berry (Mos Def), The Rolling Stones and Etta James (Beyonce).