Folded:

• Son of Rambow on DVD (the most heart-warming movie experience of the year so far. Blub)
• Cool retro poster for Burn After Reading (God, how good does this film look?)
• John Akii-Bua (interesting documentary on BBC4 about this legendary athlete a couple of weeks back. You probably didn’t watch it)
• Team GB, or the Great British Team to give them their less shit title (well, we done alright, didn’t we?)
• Gillian Anderson (the movie sucked, but she has absolutely still got it)

Creased:

• Quantum of Solace teaser trailer (from the looks of this, Daniel Craig is just going to be thumping everyone he meets for two-plus hours)
• Star Wars: The Clone Wars (enough, George. Enough)
• The X-Factor (enough, Simon. Enough)
• This guy (God knows what his lady is so proud of)
• Karen Taylor and her belt collection (she wears a giant one for every single sketch in her show. Maybe to make her knockers look big, maybe because she’s a bit of a bloater)

Folded:

• Prawn cocktail Pringles (these really make sense)
• I Kissed a Girl by Katy Perry (annoying toy lesbian or taking the piss? Probably taking the piss, so laugh)
• Madonna’s jiggly boobs in the 4 Minutes video (okay, so we’re not Nuts magazine, but we’ve got eyes)
• Genuine Childs (they guys composed the menu music for The Bourne Identity DVD, just in case you were wondering)
• The XXIX Olympiad (numbingly compulsive. Quick, badminton is on!)

Creased:

• The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (the curse of Rob Cohen strikes again)
• Overuse of metaphors on The Hotel Inspector voiceover (about a former-lighthouse B&B: ‘The owners are all at sea’, ‘About to enter choppy waters’ or ‘The bathroom is flushed for success’)
• Bad news about Paul Newman (83 year old smoker or not, this sucks for a Hollywood legend. That’s right, legend. No exaggeration)
• Fat beauty queens (wow, look at the girl in white – she’s MASSIVE!)
• Alexander O’Neal (recently on Celebrity Wife Swap. Believe the hype! From twenty years ago)

And what better way to exemplify that fact then to look back through all the James Bond movies and pick out the most memorable and gory death scenes.

Now, we realise some of you might think such a list to be slightly in poor taste. We know your type. You believe all killing is wrong – even if it means wasting a homicidal maniac who is hell-bent on world domination – and glorifying it only adds to the problem.

Well, frankly it’s only a bloody movie. It’s all just make-believe and we are having a bit of fun. We bet you are the kind of people who think there is something wrong with beating innocent bystanders to death with a baseball bat in GTA IV. It’s a game, duh! And you think we are the strange ones!

Besides, why shouldn’t James Bond enjoy his work? He saves the bloody world every week and gets no thanks or reward for his troubles. Who are we to judge if he wants to get a bit creative?

Of course, 007 is usually the man responsible for such deeds. But hecklerspray doesn’t want to just limit this list to only the man himself – especially when you have an army of villains waiting in the wings. And there’s plenty to choose from, so feel free to pick out the ones we missed. Not that you miserable gits need any encouragement.

Anyway, enjoy! Or, at least try to.

25. Carver henchman
Henchman gets splattered when he is thrown into a printing press. Ouch! Or as Bond quips: “They’ll print anything these days.”

24. Boris Grishenko
Film: Goldeneye

Annoying Russian computer nerd gets a screen freeze he really didn’t appreciate – he is frozen solid by liquid nitrogen. “I am invincible!” Not.

23. Professor Dent
Film: Dr No
Cigarette in mouth, Sean Connery’s Bond dispatches the good professor, who has ran out of bullets by this point, as if he’s sinking another dry martini.

22. Elektra King
Film: The World Is Not Enough

OK, most of the film is garbage, particularly Robert Carlyle. However, Sophie Marceau gives a stand out performance as the villainous Elektra King and her death once again shows James Bond as a ruthless, cold-blooded killer. Gun trained at her, King tells Bond, “You wouldn’t kill me, you would miss me.” To which 007 promptly executes her, then says the words “I never miss.”

21. Chuck Farrell
Film: Goldeneye


The Canadian admiral has the life literally squeezed out of him during a bad sex session with a rather aggressive Xenia Onatopp. Well, at least he dies with a smile on his face. (Video clip is not in English).

20. Capungo
Film: Goldfinger
James Bond once again at his quick-thinking best. Having thrown the henchman in a bathtub in his hotel room, Sean Connery follows it up with a lamp. Shocking!

19. Mysterious man in wheelchair with white cat (who is not Blofeld)
Film: For Your Eyes Only
A bald villain menaces Roger Moore’s James Bond by using a remote control to commandeer his helicopter.
Bond manages to get control of the aircraft, scoops up his wheelchair-bound tormentor and drops him into a large chimney stack. It’s a brilliant scene spoilt by dodgy music, the fact it’s probably meant to be an in-joke following the contract row over Blofeld and it has the worst lines ever uttered by a Bond henchman ever.
If someone can tell us why he offers to buy Bond ‘a delicatessen in stainless steel’, please let us know.

18. Milton Krest
Film: Licence To Kill
Bad guy Anthony Zerbe is put into a high-pressure chamber without a suit by fellow villain Franz Sanchez (Robert Davi). The result: his head explodes. What makes it even better is Sanchez’s quip when asked what they should do with the cash that was in the chamber with Krest. “Launder it,” is his reply. About as gruesome as is gets for Bond.

17. Emilio Largo henchman
Film: Thunderball
A thug learns the price of failure: being thrown in Emilio Largo’s pool full of man-eating sharks. Nice!

16. Kronsteen
Film: From Russia With Love
The chess genius makes the fatal mistake of not complimenting fellow SPECTRE henchman Morzeny on his new shoes. He soon gets the point!

15. Dario
Film: License to Kill
A young Benicio Del Toro is chopped down to size by a grinder.

14. Hamilton
Film: Live and Let Die
The M16 agent – seen observing the Fillet of Soul restaurant in New Orleans – soon realises he’s late for his own funeral.

13. Hugo Drax
Film: Moonraker
The film’s main villain takes one giant leap for mankind.

12. Aki
Film: You Only Live Twice
The Japanese agent is accidentally assassinated by a ninja when a string with poison down it lands in her mouth and not 007’s.

11. Dr Kananga
Film: Live and Let Die

The movie’s main villain is made to swallow a bullet of compressed air and promptly turns into a human balloon. It’s actually quite funny!

10. Helga Brandt
Film: You Only Live Twice

OK, so she was a rubbish Bond girl, but she makes a perfect meal for Blofeld’s piranhas.

9. Vesper Lynd
Film: Casino Royale

Another sad scene as Eva Green’s Vesper Lynd – still feeling guilty for (sort of) betraying him – refuses to be saved from drowning by 007. Our only problem is her really odd voice. Ok, so we’re shallow – unlike her!!

8. Corinne Dufour
Film: Moonraker
Eaten by dogs. What a bitch!!

7. Max Kalba
Film: The Spy Who Loved Me
The owner of the Mojaba Club, who has taken possession of the submarine-tracking system which Bond is trying to buy, soon becomes a victim of metal-toothed henchman Jaws’ terrible crank call. He should have hung up sooner.

6. Emile Leopold Locque
Film: For Your Eyes Only
With his vehicle dangling precariously over a cliff edge, the Belgian hitman (is it us or does that not sound a bit odd to you?) is finally dispatched by a good, trusty kick

5. Oddjob
Film: Goldfinger

If you can’t beat them – electrocute them! After getting an almighty pummelling from Goldfinger’s henchman Oddjob, James Bond quickly figures out another way to get past the man monster.

4. Dryden’s contact
Film: Casino Royale
James Bond’s first kill is probably the most brutal, as he drowns him in a sink. How did he die? “Not well!”

3. Red Grant
Film: From Russia With Love

The best fight scene in Bond history ends with the Robert Shaw’s formidable SPECTRE agent getting strangled by his own garrotte. Well, that’ll teach him for ordering red wine with fish.

2. Tracy Di Vicenzo
Film: On Her Majesty’s Secret Service
A truly sad moment as Mrs James Bond is gunned down by Irma Bunt and Ernst Stavro Blofeld while they set off on their honeymoon. It’s so unlike anything else in the franchise, which of course makes it stand out.

1. Jill Masterson
Film: Goldfinger

Surely, one of the most iconic images not only of the Bond franchise, but also in movie history.
Disturbing, but also quite stunning.

Lindsay Lohan is determined to pursue her music career, according to The Daily Telegraph (of Australia), with Kylie's and Rihanna's back catalogue the inspiration behind her new record. Lohan said:

"I want it to be dance. I want it to be kind of Kylie Minogue meets Rihanna. I hope to tour with it and I hope to really promote it. I've already done three songs. I'm doing my third in New York, actually."

Now, although you may be thinking that it would be a pointless task traveling to New York to finish a song she’s just told us she’s already finished, don’t have a go at her. How about you just put your cynical self to the side for just one moment and wish her all the best? Why not spread a bit of love for a change?

Would you take the piss out of Steven Hawking if he tried to stand up by himself? No, you wouldn’t, so why take the piss out of Lindsay trying to sing? 

Upon being asked as to whether any of her new songs would reflect the troubles of her past year, Lohan said:

"I'm not sure yet, I don't know if I really want to (reflect on them). I think the past is the past and it should be kept there. It's a new slate for me and I want to show that in my new record."

And that’s her prerogative, guys. Shame though, because we were all looking forward to such classics as 'Woke up this morning saw my chuff in the paper’, ‘They told me to go to rehab, I said sure, sure, sure’ and ‘Like A Virgin, Touched For The 5,000th time’.

That’s all well and good and hilarious, but it’s also quite cruel when you think about it. Just like it was when reports of a sex video starring her were leaked on the internet. How would you feel if a grainy image of you eating Callum Best’s dirty fudgestick was circling the internet? The humiliation would surely be enough to drive you to stupidity too.

So let's all forget about how rubbish she is at most things, and try focusing on the positive aspects.

Feel free to point them out below.

Read more – Lindsay wants to be Kylie – The Daily Telegraph

It isn't going well. Laidlow, hammered on alcopops, has thrown up in Lindseth's sleeping bag and made him cry. Laverty tripped over the guy rope and dropped all our eggs on a cowpat. C J Davies keeps walking into a tree head-first again and again, convinced he'll be able to move it with the power of his mind and nobody has seen Annette since she went off to film that witch's hut. Only Stuart Heritage has managed to rise above this pathetic scene. Really, he's like some sort of hero or something.

Anyway, want to know what our favourite TV shows of the year were? Good, they're all here…

Stuart Heritage

I was tempted to plump for Tribe here, but didn't for the simple reason that Bruce Parry doesn't break out in whimsical song twice an episode. That isn't a problem with Flight Of The Conchords – the HBO remake of the duo's BBC radio series. Funny, understated and – as proved by the song Leggy Blonde – weirdly touching, Brett and Jermaine from Flight Of The Conchords are smarter, funnier, better-looking and better dressed than I am, and the simple fact that I don't hate them for it speaks volumes.

C J Davies

The Wire Season Three – broadcast a couple of years back, released to the masses on DVD this year – remains one of the best television shows ever made, and word is that the fourth season continues this fine tradition. In terms of new stuff, it admittedly does feel like it's been a year of wavering standards. 24 was notably below par this time around, even for a series that prides itself on far-fetched unreality. Family Guy has been missing the mark with alarming inaccuracy of late, and Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip promised to develop into something interesting but then went and got itself cancelled. Oh, and Heroes is just a big pile of shit, isn't it, really?

Hip-hip-hurrahs then to our two winners, one of which went out with nothing resembling a bang. The Sopranos ended in typically uncompromising style, dividing opinions sharply between pretentious non-ending and work of utter genius (hint: it's the latter). And Lost has made a remarkable recovery from a lacklustre second season, playing out its third year with humour, suspense and intelligence beyond any of its contemporaries.

Meanwhile in Britain, Rosemary And Thyme is set to begin it's six-fucking-millionth series.

Shawn Lindseth

The Best TV show of '08, in my humble opinion – and I have 75% of a GED so my opinion really counts – is 30 Rock. They were on their game during season one, but season two even more so. Anyone catch that Greenzo episode when Al Gore had to run out and save a whale?

Or what about when Kenneth was obligated to seduce Tracy Jordan's wife, and he did so by telling her he was a real good sex person?

Yes, in Shawn Lindseth's humble middle-school educated opinion, 30 Rock takes the '07 sitcom cake. 

Chris Laverty

Not just the best show of the year, but now one of my favourite shows of all time: Aaron Sorkin's Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip.

Less hyped than Heroes and with a cast largely over the age of 30, this show never really stood a chance.

Literate and moving, funny and meaningful – this is the kind of programme that nobody you know actually watches; especially not anymore, because it was cancelled with criminal haste after just one series.

Matthew Laidlow

It has to be the Jeremy Kyle show by far. There really is no better way to wake up on a morning in a hangover state to see Britain’s morons being paraded around for my amusement. Such brilliant tales of 'My daughter's a 14-year-old smack head' and 'I’m the village bike' never fail to make me laugh. Where they get them from I don’t know, but it’s like the Jeremy Kyle show is single-handedly picking out and showing us all of God’s hideous mistakes. We all make errors from time to time, I guess. At least ITV has the chance to exploit this for an hour or so every day. All it needs is a ridiculously easy phone-in competition prize of a 20p Pick And Mix at Woolworths and it has the makings of the greatest TV show ever.

Annette Hyde

I can now somewhat confidently admit to my love of Heroes. I was ashamed at first. What was to come next? Two and a Half Men curiosity? A subtle regard for Grey’s Anatomy? But, I can now admit that I am a Heroes supporter. My main reason for choosing Heroes is that if I could heal myself like Hayden Panettiere’s character I wouldn’t have to panic wondering if I contracted a deadly disease after accidentally sticking myself with a needle at work… or needles. Yep. It’s happened more than once.

Next week – our wishes for 2008. But leave your favourite TV shows of 2007 in the comment box below. If that’s what you want to do.

But fear not, because hecklerspray's very own personal best-of-2007 lists are here again to save the day. Literally save the day. Like Superman would. As you know by now, the Spraylist is a chance to shine a light on the essentially contradictory nature of the senior hecklerspray writers by getting them to reveal a bunch of stuff they liked this year, even though chances are all the stuff's been slagged off on these pages within the last 12 months anyway. Probably by the same people who are now saying they liked it. It's a tough life.

Today – our favourite movies of 2007…

Stuart Heritage

In a year when Hollywood seemed to be hell-bent on making issue-bloated movies about the war, along came Michael Clayton – a sombre, autumnal, intelligent thriller that actually managed to be thrilling – and blew everything else away. Compelling performances, tight unpatronising plotting, an exhilaratingly vague ending, some pretty horses - Michael Clayton had it all in spades, plus if there's been a more chilling cinematic death scene in recent years I'd very much like to see it. And, yes, I know it's a George Clooney film, but at least it isn't Ocean's Thirteen so shut up.

C J Davies

It's actually been something of a downright shoddy year for cinema. Tarantino's 'long-awaited' Grindhouse was one of the most tedious and uninvolving things I've ever seen, Spider-Man 3, 300 and Pirates Of The Caribbean: Whatever Sequel We're On set new benchmarks for incoherent pointlessness, while The Simpsons Movie may well go down in history as one of the biggest disappointments popular culture has endured. Ten years in the making and about four good jokes? Well done, guys.

So. The 'good' ones, then. Well… although it was made in 2006, it was only released in the UK in April this year, so I guess I can legitimately claim that The Lives Of Others kicked the arse of everything else released on our blustery shores. Although The Bourne Ultimatum wasn't too bad.

Shawn Lindseth

My choice for movie of the year would have to be Beowulf in 3-D. I found myself ducking spears, dodging arrows, and perhaps most importantly vomiting in my popcorn bucket every time Angelina Jolie seemed to float out of the lake and touch me. Not to worry as that day I'd only eaten sticks of butter.

My chief problem with her is I know she's visited AIDS countries, and I'm not exactly sure how the disease spreads. My friend Joey says he got it from a gas station toilet. Since we're on that topic, poor sick Joey probably needs money from you guys too.

'Tis still the season, after all.

Chris Laverty

There have been a lot of good films this year: Control, The Bourne Ultimatum, Death Proof, Becoming Jane. There was also Elizabeth: The Golden Age, which made me jab my own testicles with my reviewing pen just to stay awake (it felt so good that afterwards I joined a site).

The best of the best for me though has to be Beowulf. Like an old Ray Harryhausen monster movie that charms you awake from a coffee crème-induced coma every festive holiday, Robert Zemeckis' bonkers animated/live action mash-up takes a big thick bite of stupid and runs with it.

Dragons, some icky thing that screams, wenches, sea serpents – it's fun, and that is a damn nice place to visit when sat in a room surrounded by total strangers who smell of nachos for two hours.

Matthew Laidlow

I wasn’t sure what to make of Die Hard 4.0. Sure, it was hyped up from every critic everywhere. Whilst this usually puts me of, I wasn’t at all when I was in the cinema eating my overpriced popcorn and hotdog combo. For any normal person doing what he does, they would have been killed pretty much after the first ten minutes. But not John McClane. It takes a bloke of some calibre to not get injured after being chased by a fighter jet destroying the motorway as he drives a truck in a load of traffic. He’s like an action clown who should do parties for adults to keep them amused. Over the top action + explosions = awesome in my book.

Annette Hyde

After deeply pondering the movies released in 2008, I realised I am lagging in my movie-viewing to a disgraceful degree. How in the name of holy heaven have I seen Perfume: The Story of a Murderer, and pretty much nothing else? Therefore, I have based my Top Movie choice based on the most objective, sophisticated, well respected qualification: actors I think are really hot and stuff. Based on this, my choice is The Prestige. Cool movie, hot Christian Bale. He’s Batman, for the love of Pete. Batman. I am sorry I have no further depth to offer.

Tomorrow – our best TV shows of the year. But, hey, why not leave your best movie choices in the comment box beneath? We might even get around to moderating them sometime before the new year, too. 

But don't worry. We're here. Well, actually we're not here at all. We wrote this weeks ago. Right now we're either laying on the balcony of an exclusive five-star hotel in the Seychelles or we're watching An American Tail on TV in bed with a bucket of Haribo and a hangover. Who knows where our lives will take us?

Anyway, as is now fast becoming traditional in the week between Christmas and the new year, we're going to fill the gap with the Spraylist, a personal insight into the stuff our senior writers liked best this year. And we're kicking off today with everyone's favourite albums…

Stuart Heritage

Sneaking through on a technicality – it came out in Cornelius' native Japan in 2006 – Sensuous couldn't be more beautiful if it advertised bras for Marks And Spencers. A genuine masterpiece of production, Sensuous manages to sound vital and meditative all at once, ambient and electronic but human too. True, I'd yammer on about how brilliant Cornelius was if he released an album of armpit farts, but Sensuous utterly justifies the hype. You deserve this album in your lives.

C J Davies

Ten of the fellows? In some sort of 'countdown' format? Sounds like a plan:

10. 'Because Of The Times' – Kings Of Leon
A few unwelcome guitar solos, but otherwise top-notch unpretentious fun. And 'Arizona' is one of the best things they've ever done.

9. 'We Can Create' – Maps
Drifty and ethereal niceness that should have won that Mercury thing.

8. 'Mirrored' – Battles
Math-rock pioneers assault your eardrums and will slowly – guaranteed – invade your humming glands.

7. 'Proof Of Youth' – The Go! Team
Pop distilled.

6. 'And Their Refinement Of The Decline' – Stars Of The Lid
Epic shimmering wonderment.

5. 'Strawberry Jam' – Animal Collective
The Baltimore basketcases come of age with a remarkable – and surprisingly accessible – selection of gems.

4. '23' – Blonde Redhead
The epitome of 'a grower.' Melodies that suddenly become so good around the third or fourth listen, you'll wonder how you did without them.

3. 'In Rainbows' – Radiohead
I once heard someone say this sounded like a 'Massive Attack album with Thom Yorke guesting.' Their problem being?

2. 'Kala' - M.I.A
Fucking awesome.

1. 'Neon Bible' – Arcade Fire
You know it's good. You own it.

Shawn Lindseth

The best album of 2008 without a shadow of a doubt is that old LP that fell off my neighbour's bookshelf and crammed deep in his neck. I'm fully aware this is sounds quite morbid, but that guy tried moving his fence eight inches into my yard. I mean my Step-Dad's yard.

Other than that, the best album based on musical merit would have to be Ween's La Cucaracha for two chief reasons. The first is the opening track, the second is the closing track. Two bookends surrounding genius.

Chris Laverty

I didn't buy a thing worth mentioning this year. I did quite like April March's cover of Chick Habit on Death Proof soundtrack. But I didn't buy it.

Matthew Laidlow

There have been quite a few bits and bobs this year that have gotten me all excited and giggly like a pregnant schoolgirl who’s just found out she’s getting a free council house. So I’m going to be annoying and list more than one. Animal Collective’s Strawberry Jam is pushing experimental songwriting in my opinion, Radiohead’s In Rainbows is a welcome return to form after a few ropey recent efforts, and The Tuss who is really just Aphex Twin under a silly name is also back to form after his last 'proper' album. I could go on, but I’d be here all day. Well seeing as we’re here, Bogdan Raczynski’s Alright album is quite bouncy to.

Annette Hyde

LCD Soundsystem, Sound of Silver – I like this album because it’s a nice little mix that will get you through a workout where you want to strangle the old guy with halitosis on the treadmill next to you with his sweatband, and some more mellow stuff for when you want to slip into a trance after your latest blissful chance on with my mom’s egg nog pie.  Seriously, it’s the best thing ever… the pie, not the album. The album is good, but the pie… ohhhhhh, man.

Tomorrow – our best movies. But don't just sit there – list your favourite albums below. If you want. It's not like we're here. 

But as experienced as we are, we'll never be as flat-out incredible at autograph-signing as Johnny Depp. For the third year straight, Johnny Depp has been named as the best Hollywood signer by Autograph magazine for the way he unfailingly manages to put a pen onto some paper and spell his own name correctly without mistaking the pen for some corn on the cob and eating it or inadvertently writing 'Fabian Gottlieb von Bellingshausen' or 'Lunar Orbiter 3' instead of 'Johnny Depp'. Truly the man deserves a medal.

Although it's easy to mock celebrities who don't sign autographs – because writing your own name a few times a day must really make these people want to give up earning tens of millions of dollars every year – it must get a bit tiring to see squat little men waddling up to you with foot-thick piles of photos and being expected to sign every one, especially when every one of them swears blind that their name is Winner Of eBay Item 120129428830.

And although having a celebrity refuse to sign their autograph can be slightly annoying to the regular man on the street, it's literally the worst thing that can happen to the staff and readers of Autograph magazine. Yes, there is an Autograph magazine, and the articles are very good – especially last month's feature entitled Christian Bale Has Started Drawing A Little Heart Over The I In His Name Instead of Dotting It, The Twonk.

Anyway, to name and shame the best and worst celebrity autograph signers in Hollywood, Autograph magazine routinely holds an annual Best Hollywood Signer poll. And Johnny Depp usually wins these polls with equal routine for the way he puts his fans at ease throughout the duration of the tricky autograph-signing process. That's no different this year, because Autograph magazine has called Johnny Depp the best signer of the year. According to Autograph magazine's editor and publisher Steve Cyrkin:

"It's the third consecutive year Depp has topped the list of the 10 best signers. Whether at a premiere, in a restaurant or on location, Depp may just be the best Hollywood autograph signer of all time."

However, while the usual likes of George Clooney, Matt Damon and Jack Nicholson can also be found in the top signers list, there's more fun to be had looking at the worst signers. And the worst two autograph signers in the world today are Tobey Maguire and Will Ferrell.

Now Maguire we can understand – he's always had a slightly twatty demeanour, and we're sure he's getting sick of people asking for his autograph as a front to slap him in the face while screaming "What the hell did you do to Spider-Man 3 you arsehole?" – but Will Ferrell?

We always thought that Will Ferrell was a friendly, approachable man. Seems not, though, because Cyrkin explains:

"What's so frustrating about Will Ferrell being the worst autograph signer this past year is that he used to be so nice to fans and collectors, and a great signer. What makes him so bad is that he'll taunt people asking for his autograph."

Sounds upsetting, but let's not be hasty – for all we know Will Ferrell might just be researching for a film role about an arrogant autograph-signer who one day breaks his signing finger and then goes on a hilarious, yet redeeming, journey of recovery. You know, like he did in Anchorman. And Blades Of Glory. And Talladega Nights. And Bewitched. And Semi-Pro. So, you know, it's not unfeasible.

Read more:

Depp named top autograph signer as Ferrell bombs – Reuters