Rod Stewart is one of the most unlikely sex symbols in history. Face it, he looks like a melted waxwork of Sarah Jessica Parker crossed with a dead leopard and a nylon bag filled with hammers. Yet somehow, women still want to have sex with him.

One sexual encounter produced a child called Kimberley who, rather than suffering the misfortune of looking like her father, is a carbon copy of Joely Richardson. It’s eerie.

And now, the Russian doll effect continues as she’s about to give birth to a child after Kimberley swapped fluids with ice-cream vendor, Benicio del Toro (who these days, looks like Tim Curry if he lived in a tea pot). This means, for the first time, Rod the Mod is to be a grandfather.

However, this story has a very modern (and rather dull) twist! While Kimberley Stewart and Benicio Del Toro are indeed having a baby together, Del Toro’s spokesperson was incredibly keen to point out that the pair are not a couple.

In fairness to Kim, this is one of her better conquests. She has been seen on the arm/down the throat of Jude Law (who hasn’t?), Jack Osbourne (yes, really), Rhys Ifans and some people you’ve never heard of called Cisco Adler, Talan Torriero and Joe Francis. For all we know, the last three could work in chip shops.

Del Toro is quite the swordsman too, having had flings and romances with Alicia Silverstone, Scarlett Johansson and Minnie Driver.

Alas, Benny Boy isn’t one for settling down. Previously, when asked about it, he indignantly said:

“Why? Everyone says, “Why isn’t he married?” But it’s like, ‘F***! Why do I have to get married? Just so I can get divorced?”

He also described his house as a cave, which makes us hope that his lounge looks exactly like the Vegas hotel room from his scenes in Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas, complete with flooded floor, crying painter girl and stabbed water melon.

He’ll be a great father!

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Hecklerspray rises up in insurrection all the time – it’s our passion.

Just the other day as we sat in the back seat – we decided we most definitely did not like the way our mother was driving. Most people would be content to sit back and go whichever way she turns the steering wheel – not us. We pulled her hair until she was parked smack in-font of a McDonald’s drive-thru window.

We inssurected her the same way that Benicio del Toro inssurects things in his 4 1/2 hour long Che movie, except with slightly less girly interview walk-outs.

Ernesto “Che” Guevara was the greatest Mexican military general of all time. Not only was he solely responsible for taking back Texas, Arizona and the entire top half of South America, but he also liked to tinker in his garage on things like spaceships, escalators and highly nutritional, camel-flavoured soup mixes. That doesn’t sound good, but we’re told it really was.

We know all this because we majored in Mexican history for over two dozen semesters. We were positively riveted the entire time.

The next time we’ll probably be riveted is last weekend, actually. That’s when Benicio del Toro’s Che movie apparently came out. To sum up the basic plot for you – the guy in front of us had to get up to pee three times because the freaking movie is over four hours long. We heard it was first made as a military tool – to be used for information-extraction at Guantanamo Bay.

We didn’t actually hear that. In fact, we haven’t even seen the movie. If we had, perhaps we’d be able to make more sense of Benicio del Toro’s weird interview stromp-out. The Washington Times reports:

“A controversial new biopic about Cuban revolutionary Ernesto “Che” Guevara is awakening old passions and provoking vigorous defenses and denunciations of the iconic revolutionary and – in the case of an interview with The Washington Times – a dramatic walkout.

“”I’m getting uncomfortable,” Benicio del Toro said after fielding a question about his new movie’s portrayal of the Bolivian and Cuban revolutions. “I’m done. I’m done, I hope you write whatever you want. I don’t give a damn.” With that, the Oscar-winning actor walked away, abruptly terminating an interview conducted late last week to discuss director Steven Soderbergh’s “Che.”"

What specific question sent del Toro through the door in unknown, but perhaps it was something like “Hey, are you guys gonna make the sequel about Timothy McVeigh?”

‘Of course not,’ the answer probably would have been. ‘McVeigh looks terrible on a t-shirt.’

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Hecklerspray loves remakes.

Such is our affection for the genre, indeed, that we've been trying for several years to get our own version of Purple Rain off the ground. It's a lot more literal than the original – in fact, the movie features no original studio recordings by Prince, and simply features a shower attachment fixed to our office sink and filmed through a purple filter, while in the background a climate expert chats about the devastating wrongness an actual shower of coloured rain would imply. On the plus side, though, the movie features no original studio recordings by Prince.

Someone who isn't too keen on remakes, it would seem, is director Mark Romanek. Romanek – previously best known for his 2002 film One Hour Photo, in which Robin Williams stands around a pharmacy mumbling a bit before taking some snapshots of a crying man having sex – was all set to direct Universal's upcoming 'reimagining' of horror classic The Wolfman.

Then he walked away.

With weeks to go before the shoot begins – and with that old chestnut 'creative differences' being cited – The Wolfman now looks to be in limbo, something which can't have gone down well with signed-up stars Anthony Hopkins and Benicio Del Toro.

Hopkins in particular must be wishing that all this had happened on a previous film of his, and therefore saved him the embarrassment of starring in a turkey. Something like Hannibal, for example. Or probably definitely Hannibal. Yes – Hannibal without a doubt. He must be thinking of Hannibal. Christ, Hannibal was shit.

This isn't the only Universal film to fall into a directorless trap.  State Of Play – based on the BBC drama of the same name – is theoretically ready to shoot, but just needs that all important head honcho to step behind the camera and tell stars Russell Crowe and Ben Affleck what to do.

Fear not, though – other big-budget BBC adaptations are alive and kicking, and the multi-million dollar update of Terry And June (featuring Jon Voight as both) will be hitting cinemas soon.

Read More:

Director Romanek departs "Wolfman" – Yahoo