Hooray! Big Brother is back! Hooray! And because this is its final year, the launch show did its best to mimic the entire Big Brother decade.
It started out exciting. Then halfway through it threw in somebody who looked famous but wasn’t. And then it became so overwhelmingly tedious that we automatically wished pain on all of the housemates and briefly considered euthanising ourselves because we didn’t think it was ever going to end. The entire Big Brother experience, summed up in 90 minutes. Great work, Channel Four.
But who’s in the Big Brother house this year? Glad you asked – we’ve listed them after the jump. Honestly, the things we put ourselves through for you people…
And so the planet mourns the death of Michael Jackson. Singer, dancer, owner of monkey. 
Alan Sugar, now affectionately known as Suralan – or, alternatively, a grimacing Wooly Willy toy with a haunted look in its eye stuck crudely onto a child’s wrinkled body in a mortician’s suit – sits in the high chair grumbling at moronic, vapid shills. 
