As good as Dancing With The Stars is, we’ve often felt that it hasn’t teetered on the brink of emotional breakdown enough.

But lucky old us. The Dancing With The Stars producers have listened to our unspoken wishes and signed such a bewilderingly diverse array of celebrities for its new season that we’re honestly convinced that Len Goodman will end the final with a broken nose, several deep gashes to his face and a kitchen knife poking out the back of his skull.

How scary is the new Dancing With The Stars? Steve-O scary. Lil’ Kim scary. Jewel scary. Scary.

Look, Dancing With The Stars is mental enough already. Just thinking about Dancing With The Stars conjures up visions of tiny screeching incoherent Italian homosexuals, one-legged backflippers, frail old shuffling zombies, members of the Osmonds falling over for no reason and Steve Guttenberg – in short, the kind of visions we tend to save for our most terrifyingly anxious fever-dreams.

But whereas before Dancing With The Stars seemed like it had accidentally blundered into weirdness by accident, this year the show seems intent to dive headfirst into the abyss. Honestly, we’re not kidding. This year’s Dancing With The Stars is going to be like a more-spangly version of Dante’s Inferno.

Why? Because, dear lord, here are this year’s Dancing With The Stars contestants. May God have mercy on us all:

Denise Richards – The woman who was professionally naked until she got too old, then threw a computer at a wheelchair-bound pensioners head and made a reality TV show featuring nothing but her twitching and blinking. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 9

Belinda Carlisle – The woman who believes that heaven is a place on Earth. She’s wrong. It’s Devon. Devon is place on Earth. Idiot. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 6

Shawn Johnson – A 17-year-old professional gymnast. So, as if Shawn doesn’t get bullied enough for titting around in a leotard all day, he’s now going to learn how to samba? This one’s a loose cannon. He’s not even a boy. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 8

Lawrence Taylor – A former NFL footballer. That’s right, just like OJ Simpson. And what did OJ Simpson end up doing? THAT’S RIGHT. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 9

Lil’ Kim - Ex-jailbird midget rapper whose songs include Suck My Dick and Fuck You. But, other than that, we hear she’s just lovely. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 6

Steve-O – The man who used to make a good living from stapling his testicles to his thigh in front of crowds of people, before he took all the drugs in the world, went legitimately mad and got sectioned. In short, he’s just a little bit less mad than Denise Richards. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 8.5

Steve Wozniak – He co-founded Apple, which isn’t crazy at all. But Apple created the 1998hockey puck mouse, and that’s downright certifiable. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 8.5

David Alan Grier – A black comedian who can apparently do a passable Leonard Nimoy impersonation. Not crazy at all. We don’t know what he’s doing here. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 1

Gilles Marini – Has been in every single American drama show exactly once. One of them was Ugly Betty. Cuckoo. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 5

Nancy O’Dell – We can’t say with any real certainty who Nancy O’Dell is, but anyone who thinks that tanning herself that much is normal clearly isn’t the full ticket. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 7

Chuck Wicks – Never trust a man whose name is a command. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 12

Ty Murray – A professional rodeo rider who – hold the phone! – married Jewel. Clearly has deep self-loathing issues. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 8

Jewel – Come on, she’s Jewel for crying out loud. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 43

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