Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
I’ve yet to meet someone that intensely dislikes Katy Perry. She’s not the best singer in the world, and nor is she the best looking person ever (though she is stupendously attractive). I have met people that dislike Yoko Ono.
Many, many people dislike Yoko Ono. And for good reason. She broke up the Beatles. She made John Lennon really, really weird. And she’s basically managed to get rich and famous off absolutely no talent other than that better associated with leeches.
You know when somehow people suppress information for months and months because they know that it’d send the nation into a mad panic if it was reported at the time? Like how people never knew how close Britain came to losing the world wars, or how close terrorists come to blowing us up. Well we have old news for you!
Paul McCartney almost died. That’s right. The loveable, fake-haired moptop singer of the Beatles (the only one still living that’s not called Ringo Starr, natch) could’ve been involved in a helicopter crash. Back in May.
Alright everybody, heads up. Everyone’s least favourite Beatle has an announcement to make – one that makes him seem almost responsible and, simultaneously like a lame-rebel pensioner. Ready?
Paul McCartney will not be taking any more drugs anymore.
This will no doubt hurtle straight into, say, number 7 or so on the?‘Other Seriously Important Things That Don’t Happen Any More List.‘ ?that we all live by day after day. And if you’re wondering what the rest of the list is and Macca’s reasons why he’s knocking blow on the head, read on.
The year 2012, what exactly does it mean to you? For enthusiasts of time, calendars and dates, 2012 means a leap year! That's right, it isn't one of those run of the mill 365 day occasions. Instead, we get an extra day that normally doesn't exist! Roll on February 29th!
And this year, thuggish England football fans will be getting excited as they prepare to jet off to Poland and the Ukraine to witness our lads (? The Sun) losing in Euro 2012.
But the mass global event we're all thoroughly bored of hearing about is the 2012 Olympics. Like a school sports day on a grander scale, millions from around the world will get to see London make a complete mess of it. With the help of an all singing, all dancing and all wrinkled Paul McCartney.
John Lennon’s ‘Imagine’ is a pretty lousy song. Sure, it is still massively popular today, but then again, so is war and racism. Numbers and time multiplied doesn’t necessarily show the inherent quality of something.
Either way, that doesn’t stop people being precious about it and today, various arms are being thrown into the air in disgust (because there’s little else to be disgusted about of course) after Cee Lo Green changed the words to one of the laziest lyrics in pop history.
During a televised performance on New Year’s Eve, the visually impaired Green altered Lennon’s lyrics, turning a line that criticises religion into one that actively promotes it.
Paul McCartney is bringing a new album out. There’s a phrase that hasn’t caused too much excitement since Wings were knee-high to a grasshopper. Unless, of course, you’re a bloated Beatle fanatic who is unable to hear any criticism against any of the Fabs. Ever.
Unless it’s Ringo.
The fact remains, Macca is going to stick a new LP out on 7th February and he’s doing a whole bunch of cover versions because, sadly for him, he’s run out of ideas. The last vague hit he had was ‘Dance Tonight’ and that was thoroughly poo.
The McCartney family have done alright for themselves haven’t they? Weird that those related to a Beatle should make it completely off their own bat, eh? No help from famous papa there at all! Nope. Never.
Anyway, the child that has done the best is Sir Paul McCartney’s daughter Stella. She likes making clothes that you can’t afford.
Now, she’s created a perfume in tribute to her mother, Linda, which is an absolute godsend for people who like to make snide jokes about the deceased.
John Lennon – you may remember him from such bands as The Beatles, Plastic Ono Band and Getting Drunk For Two Years With Harry Nilsson – is, like Michael Jackson and Elvis, one of the deadest, hardest working muvvers in showbiz.
Of course, being adopted by America, Lennon still stirs up a lot of interest with people still keen to paw over his memory.
Naturally, memorabilia is the big winner. So what’s being sold now? Would you believe us if we told you his teeth were up for auction? Cloning scientists, do your worst!
Sir Paul McCartney, of forgotten ’70s beat group Wings, has for some peculiar reason, had his phone hacked by ‘so-called journalists’ and he’s gone grassing everyone up to the police. Including us. We got a letter informing us we’d be under investigation.
Even though we only have one PAYG mobile phone (the one with Snake II on), we do use it to get into people’s voicemails. We’ve got a great story about the not very famous comedian David Schneider, but that’s for another time.
Anyway, Macca is not pleased that we’ve been in his messages, very much in the same way his former wife, Heather Mills, was hopping mad (fnarr) that she’d had her voicemails hacked into and, of course, John Lennon’s chest was very much breached by Mark Chapman with his best gun.
Paul McCartney is all set to headline the opening ceremony of London 2012 Olympic Games alongside other British music stars who probably aren’t nearly as good. Unless they get Girls Aloud on which would be amazing.
The Beatle has told organisers of London 2012 he is “up for” playing at the opener, but which songs he will play is yet to be seen. Or organised at all probably. And Ringo Starr won’t be there, which is simultaneously a shame and of little consequence.
But which songs should Macca consider? Sure, he’s got a massive back catalogue to play with, but there’s some cheeky tracks that are less famous that he should really think about including.
