BBC Three - HecklerSpray

WATCH THIS! TV Picks For The Weekend Bozo

August 5th, 2012 By Robin Darke

Ka-loo ka-lay everyone! It's almost the end of the week, and just like Lenny Henry tells us on those awful hotel adverts, it's almost time for the weekend. And what's a weekend all about? Going out, getting trashed and generally being like those pesky kids from Skins, sitting around in your pants as much as you can in 48 hours.

It's what sets us aside from the animals y?know. They can't figure out the little hole bit for willies.

It?d be remiss, and frankly irresponsible of us, as your favourite website of all time ever in the history of Google, to not keep you occupied between your next bottle of something fizzy or yeasty. It?d be like the 1994 film, Baby?s Day Out. You clearly can't be left to your own devices can you? Sometimes, just sometimes, you actually make us sorry to know you.

WATCH THIS! The Weekend TV Picks Just For Stupid You!

August 5th, 2012 By Robin Darke

Life is hard for many people for much of the time. But we all deal with it in different ways. Some people take solace in religion; placing their happiness in never seeing a ghost. They?d rather have a piece of toast and watch the evening news. Those people are idiots and mediocre ’90s pop stars.

Some people turn to alcohol or narcotics, like many a disgraced celebrity or role model. Would it surprise you to hear that a member of the hecklerspray bedsit likes to drink a bath of gin before singing the chorus from ?I Know Him So Well? from the musical Chess? Would it surprise you that it's Matthew Laidlow?

Whereas some people get happy by watching television and seeing that no matter how hard life can be; unemployment is at record high, there's cruise liners capsizing and you\’ll never be good enough for your partner, but no matter how hard life can be, you\’ll still be better than the people you\’ll see on TV. Fat Pat carking it? You're better than her. Not sure which of 12 potential men is the father of your child? You're better than her. Women chef overcooked her souffles and is now having a massive breakdown? You're better than her as well.

WATCH THIS! Deciding What You Berks Should Watch On TV This Weekend

August 5th, 2012 By Robin Darke

It's not every day that someone will dedicate literally minutes of their time watching upcoming things on TV to tell you whether what they've watched is good, not so good, or the equivalent of getting your toes stapled and then having aforementioned staples removed by the blind nuns that secretly made Kate Middleton?s wedding dress while they sloppily down pints of homemade lemonade.

No-one takes the time to sit down and tell us what's actually good, and more appropriately what has the most emotional resonance and character development in it; instead it's just flash in the pan reactions to developments in the soaps or whatever drama is getting the Daily Mail?s ?we're Not Racist But…? full brief pantaloons in a twist. Or even what coke snorting gnome, Frankie Cocozza is up to. TV is important business everybody! It teaches children how to read and speak, as well as to fear larger women who have chandelier earrings and make-up like Salvador Dali.

Actually, scratch that. There's a reason no-one spends the time to dissect episodes of Outnumbered or whatever nauseating? film Channel 4 stick on at daft o?clock. It's a waste of time. So allow us, dear hecklerspray readers, to guide you through the perilous TV guide and point out what you should, or shouldn?t be watching this weekend.

Russell Howard Breaks His Fingers Which Is Genuinely Good News

November 16th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Russell Howard must have a terrible time with the ladies, what with him constantly displaying a wandering eye. Have you noticed how it mooches around his skull like a beetle tied to a six inch nail?

Aside from his funny eye and the fact that he’s about as funny as finding a shallow grave, Russell has had a slice of bad news while, ironically, filming his woeful ‘Good News’ show.

Basically, he was taken to hospital last night after breaking fingers. We were hoping that the mafia did it, but sadly, he was horsing around on a chair, rather than cowering under the threat of extermination.

TV Review: Mongrels

August 5th, 2012 By Ben Pitt

If you're of a certain age ? say, between four and forty ? it's likely that your moral compass was calibrated by a bunch of hairy freaks, elbow deep in the hindquarters of some hairier freaks.

Yes, Sesame Street not only taught us how to count. It taught us how to love and respect one another.

But as we get older and realise that the world is basically shit and all people are dicks, Kermit and chums refuse to grow up. They?re just so happy and adorable, it almost makes you believe that the world isn't screwed after all. We?ll always have Ms. Spears to remind us of humanity?s squalid plight, but perhaps it's about time those puppets took off their rose-tinted glasses. So while we wait for Big Bird and Mr Snuffleupagus to discover frotting, we?ll have to make do with BBC Three?s new comedy Mongrels. Billed as an adult puppet sitcom, it takes the basic premise of Avenue Q ? swearing puppets are funny ? and runs with it.

Television Review: Snog, Marry, Avoid?

August 5th, 2012 By Nik Johnson

Gosh, women, eh? What with their rubbish driving, bitching and other stupid stereotypes.

None of them true, of course, apart from the one about being self-obsessed weirdy Jordan-a-likes. All of them. Wouldn’t it be great to give the especially mad ones a chance to run around on TV for a bit showing off, and then scrub them down to try something different? Yes? Yes, you say? Excellent, what you need is Snog, Marry, Avoid?.

The “?” in the title is purely there to make your sentences looks weird when it sits at the end. Should it be “?.” or just “?” or get rid of it completely?

Lily Allen TV Show To Return For Some Reason

April 2nd, 2008 By C J Davies

Despite the initial series drawing in less viewers than The Paint Dry Update Channel on a slow news night, BBC 3 has decided to bring back TV disaster Lily Allen And Friends for a second series.

Quite what the general – and licence-paying, we might add – public has done to deserve this is anyone's guess. Maybe the BBC has some secret plan to put us all into a coma so they can get away with showing Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps reruns all day long without anyone complaining.

Or killing themselves.