Articles tagged with: BBC
Your money used to fund Noel Edmonds you know - his gunge, his annoying sidekicks, his helicopter, his mansion and his funny little beard. It doesn't any more, though, and Noel Edmonds has got a right old cob on about it. Now that Noel's made his 'glorious comeback' - which mainly involves ordering dimwits to open boxes on daytime Channel 4 and banging on about orbs of energy like some kind of swivel-eyed fairground huckster - he's decided that everyone at the BBC is a great big idiot and so he doesn't want to pay his licence fee any more. So Noel Edmonds has stopped, because of what he describes as the BBC's 'threatening' behaviour. It's an impressive outburst, not least because the whole world - including Noel Edmonds - knows that Noel Edmonds would probably agree to host a show called Noel's Donkey Masturbation And Anthrax Hour if it could be on BBC One again.
If we could only harness the power of stupidity, then the upcoming global energy crisis would be no cause for concern whatsoever. In fact, given the level of lunacy collected on spEak You're bRanes - a site named after the classic segment on The Day Today - the planet would have so much excess power whirring around ...
There are times in life when things look bad, when you don't see the point in much and when, well, you just downright hate things.
Then something happens that picks you up, makes you happy again and fills you with a beaming smile that somehow manages to envelop your entire body, filling your whole physical presence with joy from head to toe.
Take, for example, when a UFO sighting was reported somewhere
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Say what you want about Coldplay frontman Chris Martin. While the majority of you may say “total twat†he does have one thing over a lot of people.
It’s not a scrawny wife or badly-named children – there are plenty of people like that across the country. Instead it’s a shed full of money that he’s made via creating music that wants to make you open the curtains and screaming out loud†hello world, how ya doing?†.
He may need a bigger shed to stash his money in as Coldplay have only gone and sold a bucketful of copies of their new album Viva La Veda. Maybe people have stopped downloading illegally, or the local Chinese man didn’t have any dodgy copies ready when we last saw him in the pub.
To flog records, you need to promote it. Chris Martin and the drummer stopped by to the Radio 4 show Front Row to do this. Only it didn’t go that smoothly.
In an act of betrayal not matched since the Italians turned their backs on the Nazis in World War Two, or when Sol Campbell moved to Arsenal from Tottenham on a free transfer in the cold, dark summer of 2001, Sharon Osbourne, who recently parted company with long time friend ITV, is preparing to jump in bed with the BBC. Sharon recently quit ITV1’s X Factor because of something about money. She wasn’t getting her cut of the phone-in vote or something (just joking Sharon). Whatever, she left them, and it doesn’t look like she’s going back. But then again she’s no doubt said that to Ozzy a few dozen times over the years. And yet, no matter how big the betrayal, she still remains by his side. The poor fella - as if being a human vibrator wasn’t enough to live with without that over-opinionated ear-ache hanging about the place.
Hecklerspray doesn’t believe much in Jesus but, if we did, we imagine he’d resemble something like Sir David Attenborough, only less accomplished, less heart-warming and far less beautiful. His thirst for knowledge, his elegance in communication, his unparalleled integrity - it all amounts to a man with the cosmic value of a billion yous. If only he didn’t accept his knighthood, we can safely assume he’d have been the first perfect ape in existence. But, as we all know, all good things must come to an end and, unfortunately for David, he has ended his life long before death even got the chance too, for he has declared - like some sort of maniac - that celebrity culture is ‘ghastly’.
Ahh, the BBC. Known across the world for single handily setting the standard for television and radio output.
Throughout the corporation’s long and established history, a selection of programming has been available to cater for every taste. For the petty criminal, the opportunity to see your handy work appear on Crimewatch was an accolade to suggest you were up there with the Kray twins in terms of hardness. And for the freeloader, the chance to have Changing Rooms decorate your house for nowt could save a few quid on decorating bills.
In the last few years, however, some diabolical cynics have said the BBC has been dumbing down. How dare they. However, if reports are to be believed, programming chiefs at the BBC may want their heads smashed together. You see, they may be commissioning a UK version of a Japanese TV show we looked at last year - Hole In The Wall, otherwise known as Human Tetris.
The fourth season of The Apprentice starts on BBC 1 next week and, although people come to see Alan Sugar be all gruff and hedgehog-faced, they stay for the hopefuls.
And, as is normal for The Apprentice, the full line-up of candidates angling for a £100,00 job being Sir Alan Sugar's monkey-slave have been revealed. But what are this year's gang of Apprentice contestants actually like?
Well, one is a global pricing leader, one is an international car sales strategist, one is... oh, let's cut to the chase - all the Apprentice contestants will be hateful, ambitious, money-fixated, ladder-climbing arseholes who don't have the skills to match their endless tiresome self-promotion; the sort of people who you'd punch to death in a second if they came up to you and started trying to network. That probably covers them all.
