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Hello soap fans, have a good weekend? Did you all wake up covered in vomit and shame this morning? Excellent news, you’re all disgusting and that’s why we tolerate you.
Last week was exciting in Soapland wasn’t it? All that stuff happened and then that other stuff happened too! Yeah we didn’t watch any of it but we looked back at our spoilers last week and they were utterly compelling.
Ready to sober up and read this drivel? Fantastic.
You geeks are more than aware that Sherlock Holmes fell to his death in the closer of series two of the stupid BBC adaptation that stars Martin Freeman playing Tim From The Office Again and Benedict Cumberbatch as quirky Sherlock Doctor Who Holmes. And there’s going to be a third series.
Right?
And of course, the internet is filled with theories about what happens, what will unfold and all that junk. Really, you pondering bozos should’ve just come to us because we have all the answers AND we’re going to tell you all about it. Mainly because people don’t care about spoilers anymore do they? They’re more than willing to blurt out plots to shows and films on Twitter and Facebook, so why shouldn’t we join in?
Death is a certainty. It’s one of those things that you can’t escape from, like Witch Mountain. Or Monkey Island. Eventually, just like the rhythm, it’s going to get you. Don’t fight the inevitable readers – roll over and take out as many people as you can. It’s what Guy Fawkes would have wanted.
Sometimes death is sad. Remember when Helen Daniels fell asleep and Hannah couldn’t wake her up? Gutting. Or when that one off Cold Feet was hit by the truck while she was talking on her mobile phone. Tearful. But we wouldn’t be antisocial enough to want to see them back. Anne Haddy had her chance and she blew it. Big style.
But sometimes death is good. It allows us to never have to see some things again. One of these things is Tim Lovejoy’s narcissistic misogyny and Louise Redknapp’s amazing ability to successfully imitate wet cardboard. We were all glad when Something For The Weekend was cancelled weren’t we?
Do you remember the days when standing ovations meant something? When the simple act of standing up and doing some clapping meant you’d seen something really truly fantastic? Yes? Well, last night’s Strictly Come Dancing was out to crush those memories. Crush them to pieces.
Because last night wasn’t just any Strictly. No, it was the semi-final, which meant that the five remaining “celebrities” had to dance twice and the audience had to give every single last one of the performances a standing ovation just to really destroy any meaning the tradition may have once had. They even gave Alex Jones two ovations. Alex Jones.
Yes, that’s right, she was still there.
Maths. That most hated of subjects for millions of schoolchildren every year. It’s truly evil. And last night, it proved that its terrifying evil grip extends beyond the classroom and into reality TV, as Lord Sugar found himself having to fire four people at once because somebody somewhere had forgotten to match the number of candidates to the number of weeks they’re on air.
You’d think that one of Lord Sugar’s minions can count, wouldn’t you? But it seems that millions of pounds can’t buy you competent staff or stop simple maths from cocking up your reality TV show.
And so Lord Sugar found himself with six children, and only two spaces in next week’s final. His solution to this problem? Popcorn.
This week on Strictly, it wasn’t just the quarter finals. Oh no, that wouldn’t be anywhere near exciting enough. So the producers came up with a hastily-thought-up-and-not-at-all-stolen-from-the-X Factor theme.
And so we had Strictly Movie Week. Which was mostly an excuse for atrocious VTs featuring some truly, truly terrible acting. And some tights.
Oh yes, the wardrobe department was out to kill everyone’s mad sexual love of Harry McFly by putting him in pair of bright green tights and shoving him in a forest. Apparently it was because he was pretending to be Robin Hood, but really, we know it was because housewives all over the country had suddenly become deeply unsatisfied with their balding husbands thanks to Harry’s arms. And so, keen to avoid a spike in divorce rates, there were tights.
Shopping. If there’s one thing teenage girls are meant to be good at, it’s that. Right? Well, apparently not. For last night on Young Apprentice, Lord Sugar’s minions proved that particular stereotype spectacularly wrong.
The task they were set was simple enough; they just had to buy stuff. That’s it. Not buy stuff and sell it on, not buy stuff and brand it, not buy stuff and make an ad for it. No. Just buy stuff. Specifically, they had to buy 10 items for the waxwork figures at Madame Tussauds.
We’re not sure if the Sith Lord was intending to use the task to smash gender stereotypes, or if he’s just recruited a particularly useless bunch this year. Either way, they were utterly hopeless.
Wasn’t last week’s Strictly jolly exciting, what with all the thousands of people and the being at Wembley? Who cares that they finally got rid of World’s Happiest Man Russell Grant; it was WEMBLEY and that is supposed to be AMAZING.
Everyone, everywhere was talking about it. If by “everyone”, you mean the Strictly contestants. And by “everywhere” you mean backstage at Strictly.
Still, plastic-faced Brendan was clearly very unhappy about missing out on Wembley after Artem’s miraculous recovery. So unhappy that he launched a despicable plan to get himself back on the show this week. But rather than attacking Artem, he decided to go for Artem’s evil twin Robin. They said on the VT that Robin was in hospital with a “severe foot infection”, but we all know that Brendan injected him with nasty foot plague.
