Venezuela sucks.

Hey, don’t get mad at us! We’re just saying what everyone is thinking. Venezuela is totally lagging behind its South American counterparts. They don’t even have a body hair wax treatment named after them. Losers. Their children are corrupt, too. It must be because they have The Simpsons on during daytime television programming. Well, no more! Venezuela has pulled The Simpsons because it is unsuitable for children, and replaced it with Baywatch Hawaii.

Good. The sooner the children stop being corrupted and start learning unrealistic beauty standards and uncreative, predictable plot-lines, the better.

If you’re still reading you are, no doubt, just as outraged as we are, but it’s true. Venezuelan officials have declared The Simpsons to be in danger of violating the country’s Law of Social Responsibility in Radio and Television, and say that the show is not acceptable for young children.

Whoa whoa whoa. Let’s take this one issue at a time. Venezuela has television?? So not just shaved dogs dancing on their hind legs while a blind man plays the spoons in the village square like we’ve always been led to believe, then. Okay, good to know.

But moving on… The Simpsons? Not acceptable for young children? That’s shocking. What isn’t suitable about Homer dressing up as a giant salamander that blocks the fire exit in a burning auditorium full of children and later squeezing tennis balls out of his bum? We’re so confused.

Apparently, people running Televen, the station that broadcasts The Simpsons, believe that Baywatch Hawaii is a more suitable alternative to brilliant satire and wit wrapped up with delightful bodily function jokes and swearing. Televen spokeswoman Elba Guillen said that The Simpsons is:

“messages that go against the whole education of boys, girls and adolescents.”

Of course it does. That’s why we love it. That’s why we call it ‘mother’.

Replacing The Simpsons with Baywatch Hawaii is probably a good move on Venezuela’s part, actually. There is obviously nowhere else in South America that children are going to learn about the importance of tanned, sparingly clad, large-bosomed women running on the beach than on TV. Plus, it’s not like the ratings were any good with The Simpsons. Oh, wait. This quote from Televen station general manager Perez Nahim may possibly negate that last sentence:

“We are hoping it will continue to have a good rating, because The Simpsons worked very well—so much so that it had the highest levels of viewership for that morning timetable in the history of the channel.”

Well, then kudos for taking it off the air! Heaven forbid a child’s parents should regulate what is seen in the home. Screw the ratings! Everyone knows child education is all about watching Baywatch Hawaii and a tanned David Hasselhoff trying to run on the beach while sucking in his gut, anyway.

Read more:

Venezuela Beaches Homer for the Hoff – E! Online