Batman 3 is the film nobody can wait for, if only to see whether Christian Bale has coughed up that hairball yet.

But the thing about Batman 3 is, it doesn’t exist. It hasn’t been cast, it hasn’t got a director and nobody’s even bothered to design any bat-nipples yet, a legal requirement of any third Batman movie.

But there is a Batman 3 script. The internet is abuzz after an eight-page Batman 3 script – apparently by Christopher Nolan and his brother – mysteriously appeared this week. The bad news? It’s horrible. The good news? We’ll shave our balls on the internet if it’s genuine.

You probably thought that all the Batman 3 rumours would die down after The Dark Knight got so royally shafted at the Oscars, but that doesn’t seem to be the case at all. Even though Christopher Nolan hasn’t even agreed to direct Batman 3 yet, a script for a film named Batman Crusader bearing his name has popped up on all kinds of websites over the last couple of days.

You can read the whole Batman 3 script over at Cinemablend if you like, but the thrust of it seems to be that Batman is in a building and the police have got him surrounded and The Riddler is a police consultant and at one point one of the policemen says “Are you suggesting that Gotham’s finest isn’t up to the job of catching the Batman?” at which point you will become so embarrassed for the script that you’ll try to chew your own fist off.

So the Batman 3 script is a fake – it’s obviously a fake because The Riddler is described as ‘intelligent’ when we all know that he’s either going to be dressed as a sailor or a black man in a female fat suit who isn’t as funny as he used to be.

But then again, it’s obviously not a work of fan fiction either – something we’ve been able to deduce by the shocking lack of interminable scenes where Batman graphically gives Commissioner Gordon a ribjob while Alfred the butler stands and watches, naked from the waist down and playing I Want Your Sex by George Michael on a medieval lute. Which, it goes without saying, would be a mainstay of any Batman 3-related work of fan fiction we wrote.

Then again, Batman Crusader is such an obviously made-up name – The Dark Knight proved that Batman movies get more successful the less their titles actually refer to Batman, which is why Batman 3 will either be called The Shadowy Conquistador, The Gloomy Ninja or Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction – that it can’t be anything other than completely, hopelessly fake.

Plus there was nothing about Cher being Catwoman in it. That was the dealbreaker.

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