So. Death! Pretty serious stuff. Pretty bad all round, you could say. Like that time that gentleman from the news died. Not the Bin Laden one, the other one. Not Jeremy Beadle. Oh no, wait, it was Jeremy Beadle, wasn’t it?  It was always Jeremy Beadle.

Oh god, it really was terrible about Jeremy Beadle. Right. Let’s just start again. DEATH. Que sera sera.  Whatever will be will be. The future’s not ours to see.

Prince Phillip

That should get the ball rolling. See, Phil clung to his life because… well… it’s brilliant! He gets to eat rare animals, be as racist as he wants, drink constantly and do absolutely no work (aside from occasionally meeting plebs and pointing at stuff). He’s got it made. Sadly, he didn’t die over Christmas, leaving us with a grisly Queen’s Speech (which would have been Her Madge silently sobbing for 5 minutes). 2012 is the year the Reaper catches up with Phillip and sinks his Battleship, just like in Bill & Ted.

Freddie Starr

Okay, so we’re a good two people into this list so far, and it may be coming across that we’re just picking people that we want to die, rather than who, say, biologically aren’t coming up trumps. That couldn’t be further from the truth. We love Freddie Starr. We love that he hates people thinking he ate hamsters, and talks about the fact he hates people thinking he ate hamsters for money and is quite well off because people think he eats hamsters. However, Freddie did have quadruple heart bypass surgery last year. And quadruple is loads. Also, there’s this whole thing that he might have eaten a hamster, which is just brilliant. Also, he’s a shoo-in for Suicide Watch. His mind has unravelled over the years, to the point where he might actually do it.

Eddie Murphy

Eddie Murphy, once a golden god of comedy and now, four time donkey in Shrek, is something of a wild-card choice. Essentially, Eddie seems in rude health… but he’s as mad a talking hedge. Reason? He willingly had sex without a condom on with Mel B. He’s clearly got a troubled mind and, with that, there’s always chance of a massive breakdown which leads to death by misadventure. Or, if you prefer, doing a David Carradine.

Cat Deeley

Well, you know we’re not having you on about this one. It’s been pretty obvious for a few years now that Cat Deeley is not one for this world. Here is just a typical picture of Cat Deeley hanging out in her garden. Nothing wrong with that. She clearly knows how to trim a nice Ivy. Very good. Although as you can see, her garden attire here really isn’t very fail-proof. If she doesn’t get nipped by the hedge trimmers, she’s most likely going to catch a bit of a sore throat keeping her oesophagus uncovered like that. Something to think about.

James Hewitt

Because somewhere down the line, James is going to be frequenting his enamel adorned sexy kitchen that he bought with his Diana memorial 50p box, and somewhere else down the line, he is going to uncover (either through therapy; or by Reddit) that he once did this.

Paul Daniels

Seems a bit harsh dunnit. Ol’ Paul Daniels, with his little face and smile, and his magic and his *googles* overwhelming urge to gas Ian Huntley to death apparently… Moving swiftly on. Phil is getting on a bit. And err, yeah. He’s old. The elderly die. Also – when you have an ‘Outspoken views’ section on Wikipedia though, there must be something a little up. He doesn’t like Alistair McGowan for example. For no reason. WHAT A DICK! A plague upon your house, Paul Daniels. A PLAGUE.

Michael Douglas and possibly an aggrieved Catherine Zeta Jones but only if she can be bothered

Yep.

Berry Gordy

Sure, Louis Walsh’s claims have been a little just plain insane and insipidly stupid out there during his constant forays over the years of X Factor. However, on missive was passed off as stupidity when really, it was a chilling prediction. When Walsh said that Berry Gordy wasn’t alive to see X Factor’s Motown weekend, he wasn’t kidding. Louis has insider information and his statement was actually a warning to those that want to see the American music mogul live. In 2012, assassins will take Gordy down, mainly for owning the record company that signed Bruce Willis as a recording artist in the ’80s.

Paul Gascoigne

Quite frankly pushing it now at 44 (which is 132 in Paul Gascoigne years), we predict the once great Paul Gasgoine is not long for this world either. After all, the bloke has not just bi-polar, but also OCD, and also bulimia, and also he gave a chicken to a psychotic once. Not very Gazzamania. Yes, we know what you’re thinking… but it is possible to die of a broken heart. And alcohol poisoning too.

Barry Manilow

*To the tune of Could it be Magic.*

Fractured ankle. Bronchial Pneumonia. Non cancerous cyst in upper jaw. Dicky eye. Dicky other eye too.  Christ Barry, just buy a damn foot spa. Could it be magic? No.

Basically – what all the above was, was a cry for help. But we still think Baz is gonna pop it this year. Besides, his face looks weird.

Jimmie Krankie

This would just be a breath of fresh air from all these years of living in a universe with ALIVE Jimmie Krankie.

Maggie Thatcher/Mezza

The UK could not be throwing enough shit at the walls with this one. Twitter rumours, prearranged state funeral, Shane Meadows pumping her face into mediocre sub-genre 80s dramas like Captain Howdy – we just really want her to die. Now with a Streep-handled Oscar biopic hastily chopped together on Windows Movie Maker, we should be good to go. Unless that gives her something to live for. Unless she uses the plastic from the DVD covers as a makeshift ventilation shaft and lives for another 20 years.  We’ll let you write your own ending to that one.

Neil Kinnock

If Maggie Thatcher goes, then rest assure, Neil Kinnock will go too. His sole reason for existing is to outlive Thatcher. Such was their rivalry in the 80s, Kinnock could well visit Thatcher on her death bed and say “I’m only hanging around to watch you die. I’m going to die ONE SECOND after you do, just to irritate you.”

Geri Halliwell

Now stop right there with your “But 39 year old Geri Halliwell is the picture of the healths” and your “The only Spice Girl who deserves to die is Emma Bunton for practically murdering Petula Clarke in her sleep with that Downtown covers”. Sorry guys, but you can’t hide from the truth. 2012, we will lose Geri Halliwell all over again. And for why? Well, we’re not entirely sure (But we’re still going to write a very long article about it unperturbed) but we believe it might be something to do with the Spice Girls revamped 2010 Children in Need single ‘Headlines.’ (which we’ve just realised 2 years on, might just be a subtle dig at those pesky tabloids who often hassle the girls, YOU’RE SECRET SAFE WITH US GIRLS!) Just think of Geri Halliwell, all in a bra writhing against a wall that doesn’t look like it has had proper asbestos cleansing. At least Mel C will be safe in her two-piece as punishment for being a lesbian with a triphop album in the 90s. What were we talking about?

Mark Owen

He drinks alcohol, he has sex with women, he’s about 4ft. Eventually either the weight of his adultery or the oxygen in the world will get to him first. It’s more a question of when, rather than ‘What the hell are you going on about?’

Bill Cosby/Chevy Chase

Suicide pact. Just you watch.

Bez

We don’t know. Because of physics? Because there’s only so much lenience festival organisers can have? Because of people being more Pussycat Dolls-orientated? Because Or a healthy combination of the three?

Alesha Dixon

Along  with whoever wrote the music for the new Haribo commercial, the people of the universe will no longer take the soundtrack to the annoying adverts and pick up their pitchforks and hound these people into caves where a team of dead-eyed bumpkins await to perform unspeakable and ultimately fatal torture. E4 to televise.

Michael Eavis

He’s killed music. Now it’s his turn.

Matthew Perry

Oh Matthew Perry. Oh Matthew Perry. Matthew, Matthew, Matthew Perry. Although he’s over that whole not very convincing Gwyneth Paltrow in a fatsuit morphine addiction phase of his life, our hopes are still not high for Matthew. It’s a shame. He was so sarcastic, and all “There’s no I in team, but there’s two in Martini so everybody BACK TO MY OFFICE!” Haha! Chandler Bing. We mean, he was just so sarcastic. But you know who else was sarcastic? Well, a few people. Like that bloke from black and white films, Other Pope, and Gary Coleman. And you know what happened to those people, guys? They died, guys.

Paul McCartney

Because firstly he spent the entire of the recent George Harrison Scorsese-documentary mid cataract-exam, and also: Ringo Starr has to be the last remaining Beatle.

Eamonn Holmes

Finally. One we can all agree on. Type 2 diabetes, in the kitchen, with the cream pie.

Happy New Year, you jerk-offs. A lot of you have been snivelling onto us, trying to get us to bring back Readers’ Letters so that you don’t have to trawl through our articles looking for all the nut jobs that believe we’re being serious (which we are, obviously) and to you we say only this.

FINE, JEEZ.

You’re so needy. Look at you, sitting there like overgrown babies desperately waiting to read about all the people that hate us so that you can make a mental note of the kind of thing to bombard us with over the next week.

You’re the worst kind of scum and that’s why we love you. Anyway, for the first time in 2012, let’s take a dive into our putrid postbag shall we?

First up this week is a man that will definitely have kicked the bucket by the end of 2012, Mr Barry Manilow. The easy-listening zombie still has some fervent fans who spend their time kicking around Google News, waiting for someone to care enough about him to write something. Like our friend JW for instance:

First of all, it’s obvious you haven’t done ANY homework at all, you jackass! Barry did NOT have hip replacement surgery. He had the abductor muscles and the bursas repaired!

Are you jealous of him because he has more people adoring him than you will ever have? He’s earned everything he has and earned all the fans he has. God bless him for being 68 years young and still going like he was 30. Have you ever seen his show? If not, you have no right to say anything. He isn’t called the “showman of our Generation” for nothing. It’s one of the best shows I’ve ever seen and I’ve seen a lot of them.

And just an FYI for your 20 IQ……..It is Michael Jackson who gets the blue ribbon for the weirdest face in pop music! YOU should look as good as Barry does!

You didn’t even have the guts to put your name on this. No balls????

Nice!! oh wait … yes nice a boson get trapped in your head and thts fenomenal! Because its the only thing inside!
And PF at the olimpia will be fenomenal too.

If you can translate this then please leave us a comment. We’ve had it pinned up in the bedsit for almost a week and we’ve got as far as “Higgs Boson in your head” and that’s about it. Still, at least it prompted one reader to cry out for a return of Readers’ Letters.

I think it is time to bring back the reader’s letters column.

See? Oh well, at least they know what we’re all about, unlike this Robert Pattinson fan:

You are a complete idiot. Who cares what you think.

You, apparently. When you spend so much time trawling the internet looking for people who are bad-mouthing your masturbatory fantasy only to then comment on said articles telling them how little they understand about what makes the object of your fizzy pants great then you are the one who cares what we think. Just thought we’d make that perfectly clear.

Still, at least Ella might get it:

Is this column some form of satire?

If this was Family Fortunes an alarm would sound and Ella would have just won an attractive fridge-freezer. As it stands she wins the hecklerspray award for stating the fucking obvious. Then again, it’s not just hateful nonsense that we get on our articles. This next correspondent believes that we are some kind of official contact channel to the team behind Jackass and left this comment on a picture of the departed Ryan Dunn.

hi jackass i would like to be replacing Ryan Dunn in jackass 3d full penetration because i have seen the preview of the movie and i have done the kind of stunts before if you want me to join jackass 3d call me on __________ my name is Daniel Kemble 11.5 i live at ____________ my postcode is 5164 once again i have done those kind of stunts before i would love for you to read this message one of the remaining of the funniest crew ever and i am deeply sorry for the passing of Ryan Dunn i hope to be in the new jackass movie that you guys are still filming because of Ryan’s passing and i am sorry for saying that i hope you call me about the replacement of Ryan Thank’s hope you guys get this real soon

Bloody hell. Still, even that’s not as weird as this interesting little ditty from Mr. Alexander Simon who has some obscure opinion on the divorce of Avril Lavigne and the one with the big nose from Sum 41.

A LION’S SHARE! Second Verse

Hunger cries the Lion;s Heart,
As Heat warms bones dry and waiting …;
Teeth open and thirst edded open for girl waiting!

Hair like mother’s monetary;
Cool simmer of frame;
A girl new and caring;
Whet and win; as sun does dance like new sun!

A lovely carpet sand and dance, a love!

Swoon and river red boils hot open …,
Man Lion and Woman Lion Garel and stir the wind dressed tumble;

Hot is whet and whet is more …;
Girl and boy dance and whirl in sand and lock in heat;
And fire … more in sand and waist not a taste!

Moments are days and days are months … time is longer;
He kisser Her with teeth locked into her groin;
Steady now Lady I give you, my lock;
Babies in seven months;
All makes a Lion no sweet tonight!

The moon is cool, calm is bed,
One month in morphine heaven are babies read!

With a battle and brother red with smile;
Dead is father not brother amile!
-#30-

Err… right. If anyone has any idea then please do leave us a comment and let us know what the hell we’ve just experienced. We’re afraid to go outside at night.

So while we cower in the bedsit, we’ll leave you with this honest and frank confession by andy j.b:

im a fat bellend

Right, fuck off. We’ll see you next week. Same Batshit Crazy Time, Same Batshit Crazy Place.

Barry Manilow, these days, looks like a man constantly doing a bank robbery with a pair of tights squeezed over that peculiar face of his. That’s the perils of indulging in FAR TOO MUCH plastic surgery folks!

And now, Baz The Manilow is shuffling to recovery after undergoing hip replacement surgery, like he’s someone’s nan.

Of course, now he’s got new hips, only his eyeballs are the things he was born with, leaving absolutely everything else constructed by now incredibly wealthy plastic surgeons. Basically, he’s the Frankenstein’s Monster of MOR.

The 362-year-old star underwent an operation to treat an inflammatory condition called bursitis or something and quacks repaired some torn leg muscles. Presumably, they were under too much strain after being pulled toward his eerily immovable face.

If you ever see Manilow with a jazz beard, you can absolutely assume that his facelift is so tight that it has pulled his public hair all the way up to his neck.

In a letter posted on Facebook, Manilow gave fans an update on his progress.

He wrote:

“I tell you, going though something as rough as this makes you very grateful for a lot of things. Grateful for the genius doctors who can perform this incredibly complicated surgery; grateful for the caregivers who treated me like their own family and most of all grateful for good health. I will never, never take being healthy for granted again.

“Not being able to do anything without a team of people helping me was an eye opener. And I mean anything. Like getting out of bed or getting to the john to brush my teeth…”

Aw, someone had to help him whizz! That’s nice isn’t it? We bet his genitals look exactly like his face.

He added:

“The good news is that after three nightmarish weeks, I’m coming back from the dead. I’m slowly beginning to walk – still with a walker – but I think that will be over soon… The doctors say that everything should start to ease up by the end of this week. If that’s so, what a great New Year’s Eve I’m going to have!”

A great NYE with the weirdest face in pop! HURRAY! Hopefully, he can have a think about that song of his, ‘I Write The Songs’, which he didn’t write. It’s been bugging us for years!

From DIETPIXIE – Well it makes a change from Girls Aloud (although we don’t need to point out that Cheryl Cole is looking even thinner this week). Barry Manilow, the main man, the big kahoona, the guy who gave you Copacabana and Mandy, is painfully thin.

The sunkissed ‘do and proud snout is still in place, but according to Globe magazine, six-foot Manilow’s weight has plummeted to seven stone.

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