So. Death! Pretty serious stuff. Pretty bad all round, you could say. Like that time that gentleman from the news died. Not the Bin Laden one, the other one. Not Jeremy Beadle. Oh no, wait, it was Jeremy Beadle, wasn’t it? It was always Jeremy Beadle.
Oh god, it really was terrible about Jeremy Beadle. Right. Let’s just start again. DEATH. Que sera sera. Whatever will be will be. The future’s not ours to see.
Except it is, we totally tapped it. Here’s a list of who’s going to pop their clogs (allegorical or otherwise – this is SHOWBIZ) in 2012, because to be honest, the Mayan’s efforts of just saying ‘Uh, everyone’ were a bit lazy, unlike Sophie Hall and your humble (PAHAHA) editor Mof Gimmers – who have revealed themselves to be more clairvoyant than an X Factor themed M&S advert. Ladies, gentleman, and people who for inexplicable reasons Googled Jeremy Beadle to get here, we give you: THE FUTURE.
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Happy New Year, you jerk-offs. A lot of you have been snivelling onto us, trying to get us to bring back Readers’ Letters so that you don’t have to trawl through our articles looking for all the nut jobs that believe we’re being serious (which we are, obviously) and to you we say only this.
FINE, JEEZ.
You’re so needy. Look at you, sitting there like overgrown babies desperately waiting to read about all the people that hate us so that you can make a mental note of the kind of thing to bombard us with over the next week.
You’re the worst kind of scum and that’s why we love you. Anyway, for the first time in 2012, let’s take a dive into our putrid postbag shall we?
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Barry Manilow, these days, looks like a man constantly doing a bank robbery with a pair of tights squeezed over that peculiar face of his. That’s the perils of indulging in FAR TOO MUCH plastic surgery folks!
And now, Baz The Manilow is shuffling to recovery after undergoing hip replacement surgery, like he’s someone’s nan.
Of course, now he’s got new hips, only his eyeballs are the things he was born with, leaving absolutely everything else constructed by now incredibly wealthy plastic surgeons. Basically, he’s the Frankenstein’s Monster of MOR.
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From DIETPIXIE – Well it makes a change from Girls Aloud (although we don’t need to point out that Cheryl Cole is looking even thinner this week). Barry Manilow, the main man, the big kahoona, the guy who gave you Copacabana and Mandy, is painfully thin.
The sunkissed ‘do and proud snout is still in place, but according to Globe magazine, six-foot Manilow’s weight has plummeted to seven stone.
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