Because it's Christmas time, it's time to wander around the high street like everyone else to try and buy presents for your cherished loved ones.

Well that’s a lie – actually you have to purchase stuff for relatives you see once every three years who still call you Jimmy by mistake and who keep on getting you a Now compilation CD because they think its “cool”. Anyhow, at the end of December your bank balance is as dry as the turkey your mum serves up on Christmas day and you don’t have any money to go out on New Years Eve even though everything is overpriced and generally shit anyway. However, somebody out there has too much money. Instead of lending us a tenner so we can do better than buying supermarket-brand aftershave for our dad, they’ve only gone out and spent $4 million dollars on the JK Rowling book.  

Now Harry Potter fans, please don’t don your non-magical Asda-branded cape and magic wand – there isn’t a surprise spin-off book charting the adventures of recently outed wizard Dumbledore. Sadly there are to be no stories of him coming to terms with his sexuality and abusing young wizards as part of supposed “extra curricular activity”. 

Instead, JK Rowling has been quite busy writing another book entitled The Tales Of Beedle The Bard. This new work is full of fairy tales and other such fantasy bollocks. But is this like any other bog standard book? Of course not, there has to be some sort of twist in it somewhere seeing as JK Rowling is involved.  

Despite fans around the world literally ready to sacrifice their own flatmate for her next piece of literature, Rowling has decided to make The Tales Of Beedle The Bard an ultra-mega rare book. Basically, it’s as rare as rocking horse shit and you’re not getting one because you’re not special. All you’ll get is two fingers from the author in question.  

Only seven copies of the new book are in existence. That's because each one is handwritten by JK Rowling herself – or someone she employed whilst she slipped of for a quick fag. We aren’t sure why there is only seven and not ten, 50 or even 100. It may be because a) It’s a lucky number, b) she got sick of using tippex to cover up her mistakes, or c) her hand got sore and she couldn’t be arsed anymore.

If that wasn’t enough to make everyone go crazy, the book is encased in a leather cover and decorated with jewels and not tin foil which to us is equally impressive. Out of the seven copies, six were given by Rowling to people who were closely connected to Harry Potter. Sadly this doesn’t mean hecklerspray. We can’t imagine why.

The remaining copy was sold at posh auction house Sotheby’s in London. Whilst it was only expected to fetch £50,000 it reached this amount fairly quickly as a fierce bidding war broke out, and eventually the book sold for a grand total of £1.95 million. Unfortunately, the lucky bidder was not an eccentric billionaire who wipes his arse with £100 bills, but the London art agent Hazlitt, Gooden and Fox. We don’t know if it’s going on display at any point, but if so, we imagine it to be encased in a reinforced glass box with seven angry attack dogs ready to scar any poor sucker who attempts to dare touch the holy grail of JK Rowling writing.

It doesn't matter, because JK Rowling would be thrilled even if they set it on fire and threw it in the bin, so long as the charity it was being sold in aid of got its money. It is all going to The Children’s Voice campaign which aims to give kiddie winks across Europe a fair and equal upbringing.  

Hecklerspray might do the same as Rowling and attempt to sell off some unique works of our own. With the aid of an old-fashioned typewriter, we will type as many stories as we can before we get bored and offer them to you the lucky reader. Spending a small fortune on your own badly misspelt article due to no automatic grammar checks could literally change your life forever. Or possibly not. 

Read more:

JK Rowling Fairytales Fetch £1.95m – Press Association

Aside from outing wizards and rolling around naked in a in a dump-truck full of money cackling at God, JK Rowling hasn't found a whole lot to do with her time since she put the finishing touches to Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows.

Actually that's not strictly true – since Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows was completed, JK Rowling has written a set of fairytales. But these are fairytales with a difference, because a) they've been hand-written by JK Rowling, b) they were mentioned in Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows and c) instead of being published they're going to be given away and auctioned off for charity. And they'll be the absolute last word on Harry Potter, except for the last two films, the merchandise, the theme park and the forthcoming sculpture of Harry Potter that JK Rowling is having carved into the moon along with the legend "I'm a lot richer than you, you know. Love JK" written in Garamond – the fanciest font.

This must be an emotionally draining time for JK Rowling. It's well-known that finishing Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows left Rowling in tears – and now that she has to move on and work on another project, the pressure must be incredi… oh, who are we kidding? JK Rowling is rich. Rich! She could spend the rest of her life just eating endangered bird eggs and drinking liquidised antimatter all day long and she'd still have enough cash left to buy your entire family, dress them up as wood and then burn them on a fire for fun.

What we're getting at is that JK Rowling probably doesn't need the money. 

But that hasn't stopped JK Rowling from thinking about Harry Potter. Just recently Rowling was in America reading bits of Harry Potter books to children and flashing them a bit of bra when it looked like they were dropping off, but that might have all been a front for the latest JK Rowling's latest big reveal – the new, handwritten, screamingly limited edition set of Harry Potter-based fairytales that she's written for fun and profit.

The Tales Of Beedle The Bard were mentioned in Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows when recently-confirmed homosexual Dumbledore left them as a gift for Hermione. And since the Barbara Streisand CDs that Dumbledore left Harry Potter, the half-used tub of lube that he left Ron or the worn-out cock-ring he left Snape were mentioned in the book, it's been left up to JK Rowling to actually create copies of the fairytales herself – by hand and not for publication. One copy will be auctioned off for charity and the others will be simply given away. JK Rowling said:

"Writing it has been the most wonderful way to say goodbye to a world I have lived in for 17 years… Six of these books have been given to those most closely connected to the Harry Potter books during the last 17 years. This seventh copy will be auctioned; the proceeds to help institutionalized children who are in desperate need of a voice. So to whoever now owns this book, thank you — and fair fortune be yours."

She's a canny woman, JK Rowling, we'll give her that. You know, we wouldn't be surprised if she's filled all the Harry Potter books with little mentions of various wizardy trinkets to keep her going if times ever get hard. Should she lose her fortune tomorrow, all JK Rowling needs to do to earn some wedge is pop a housebrick on eBay and say "Forsooth, it is the nefarious housebrick of Q'ayitta Blenp, as mentioned in chapter six of Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets. And this magical, one-of-a-kind item can be yours for just £250,000. No? £100,000? £100? 50p and I promise to get my bra out again. Anyone?" Genius.