Barbara Walters - HecklerSpray

Tacky-Ass Jenny McCarthy Injects Some Needed Sex Appeal Into “The View”

July 17th, 2013 By Chris Chambers

To quote the incomparable Andy Cohen: ?Big Mazel to the great @JennyMcCarthy! #theView is abt to get #cray.? And?it’s true. America’s treasure, that demure little flower, Jenny McCarthy, will be joining the cast of The View, thereby sealing its position as the most unwatchable show on television.

As all diligent hausfraus know, the cast of The View has experienced a real shake-up lately. The insufferable Elisabeth Hasselbeck finally?left to spout her narrow-minded bullshit elsewhere, Joy Behar is leaving later this summer, and Babs has just one year left. But instead of rolling with it, letting that bitch-fest dwindle down organically, maybe letting Whoopi and Sherri fight it out, the producers are tampering with nature and replacing the empty spots.

Adam Lambert Goes On The View, Doesn’t Bum Anyone

December 11th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Everyone knows that letting Adam Lambert be on TV is an act of gross stupidity. What if he kisses a man?

What if he starts humping your leg? What if he mimes a rimjob in such disgusting detail that it causes everyone to splutter into their tea and have a seizure? Adam Lambert is a risk. But the people of The View don’t care about risks, which is why Adam Lambert appeared on the show yesterday. And, perhaps because the sight of wizened old Barbara Walters is enough to sap the sex out of any situation, Adam managed to behave himself.

That said, during his interview Adam Lambert did keep referring to how ABC had pulled him off. The dirty bugger.

Patrick Swayze Gives Himself Two Year

December 9th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

When Patrick Swayze was diagnosed with cancer last year he was initially given five weeks to live, a deadline he easily beat.

But hold your horses, everyone. Just because he managed to beat one depressingly short cancer prognosis, Patrick Swayze wants everyone to know that he’s not going to live forever. In fact, in a bleak reality check during an interview with Barbara Walters, Patrick Swayze has only given himself two more years.

Patrick Swayze has got guts – making that admission while staring directly at a million-year-old bouffant Skeletor who logic dictates he should survive by several decades? That’s bravery.

Can Someone Get Rosie O’Donnell To Shut Up About The View?

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

$Rosie O\'Donnell The View Barbara Walters fight$ There’s a saying in these parts: ‘You can take the lady out of The View, but you can’t stop her from screeching about it like a fat lunatic.’

And it’s true, too. Just the other week, Star Jones was screeching about The View like a fat lunatic and we don’t even know who she is. And now it’s the turn of Rosie O’Donnell to do the same, although helpfully since she acts like a fat lunatic most of the time anyway, it’s easier for her.

Rosie O’Donnell has been involved in a spat with the old Skeletor lady from The View because Rosie O’Donnell says everyone on The View hates each other and Skeletor lady says they don’t. But it’s much more interesting than that because… no, wait. It’s not more interesting than that. That’s literally as interesting as this gets. A fat lady has shouted at an old lady. As you were, everyone.

Why Can’t That Pregnant Man Keep It In His Pants? WHY?

November 14th, 2008 By Stuart Heritage

Readers, we can now die and go to heaven – we’ve just seen the most confusing and slightly gut-churning thing we’ll ever see.

It’s a picture of Thomas Beatie – the famous pregnant man from a few months ago – topless, pregnant and flexing his biceps into a mirror. It’s weird. It’s like that scene from American Psycho where Christian Bale is gazing at his muscles in the middle of the threesome, but a few months after he’s managed to get himself pregnant. Weird. Weird.

Why are we telling you this? Because we saw it while reading that Thomas Beatie has got himself pregnant again. Look, we know what you’re thinking – usually one child is enough for a bearded mother of nonspecific gender – but we can totally see his rationale behind getting pregnant again. Now Thomas Beatie’s children will both have someone to cling onto in terror when their parents tell them how they were born.

Peter Cook Blames Christie Brinkley For Him Shagging That Girl

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

This just in – Peter Cook is a legend. An absolute dyed-in-the-wool cast iron legend that every man on Earth should regard as a hero.

Why? Because even though Peter Cook’s supermodel wife Christie Brinkley recently divorced him after he a) had it off with a teenager he met in a toystore and b) started spending $3,000 a month on internet pornography, Peter Cook says that the divorce was absolutely not his fault at all.

Better still, Peter Cook blames the divorce squarely on Christie Brinkley, because she didn’t thank him for being him as much as he wanted. Peter Cook said all this in an interview with Barbara Walters in an effort to stop him being branded as a “scumbag pervert.” And we’re pretty sure he’s got his wish – we believe the term is “egomaniac scumbag pervert dimwit” now.

Britney Spears: Actually Mental

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

This might come as a shock to some of you, so prepare yourselves – Britney Spears is mentally unwell.

And that might not be new – we guessed that the moment Britney shacked up with Kevin Federline – but Britney Spears' manager Sam Lufti has apparently told Barbara Walters that Britney suffers from "mental issues" that she's seeking treatment for.

And how did Britney Spears celebrate this news? By having a gigantic fight with Sam Lufti and then sobbing on a pavement in front of the whole world. In case we didn't already get the message.

Barbara Walters Thinks The Beckhams Are Fascinating – No, Really

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

If any of you want to appear fascinating to Barbara Walters, here's a tip – why not try splitting your time between humourless self-absorption and badly-tuned mewing with a touring nostalgic pop act?

Because that's what Victoria Beckham has done, and it's got her into Barbara Walters' prestigious 10 Most Fascinating People Of The Year list. Although her complete failure to establish herself as an actress or presenter on American TV might make it look as if Victoria Beckham has had a massively depressing year, at least the inclusion on Barbara Walters' fascinating list means it hasn't been a total disaster. And we're so happy for her that we're willing to overlook the fact that Barbara Walters calling Victoria Beckham fascinating is basically an admission that 2007 was so drearily unfascinating that everyone might as just suffocate themselves to death in their sleep tonight.